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“Pearson XI Defeated in Sanitised Performance

 

 

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Match:  20 / 510

Lost by 8 wkts

 

 

Team

 

Total

FFTMCC

72

I. Howarth  27

 

Middleton Stoney CC

74 - 2

M. Reeves  2 - 11

 

 

 

 

 

10

S. Bhattacharjee

st Hotson b Howarth

26

 

 

The stumping of Mr Bhattacharjee on September 15, 2019 would be the last piece of cricket undertaken by The MAD until Chris Williams faffed about with a dot ball some 304 days later. This was a record of cricketing idleness only bettered by the individual slackness of the famed Richard Hadfield. It is a record unlikely to be broken until the team disband or perish with the upcoming Wave 2 of Covid-19 this autumn.

 

Not to dwell on the numerous hurricanes that battered the UK, a world knackering pandemic and the non-stop barrage of protests and demonstrations foreshadowing mass unemployment and starvation, the ECB’s decision to grant recreational cricket a renewed licence was a wonderful one. Now the guys could finally stand in a field in off colour whites, bitch and moan about the world at large and welcome back into their lives that wholly depressed feeling of sporting underachievement. It would also be a long overdue and blessed three hours away from significant others, non-others or a fucking laptop with a Zoom app.

 

 

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The first socially distanced MAD team photo.

 

 

Notable amendments to the game in its now socially crippled format would include travelling on your own where possible, no bar or pavilion, turning up in ones whites ready to play like James Pearson, no bar or pavilion, signing your life away on a Track & Trace form, no bar or pavilion, sanitising yourself, sanitising the ball, sanitising the scorebook and sanitising Giant Duck. You must also remember not to high five, avoid celebratory group hugs, not hand the umpire anything whilst in the field and not throw the ball to each other, apart from when you have to or forget not to. You could, thankfully, on this particular occasion, use the crapper hidden behind the unmentioned closed bar and pavilion to avoid over-sanitising the hedgerows should you need a visit.

 

On arrival at a leafy Middleton Stoney park, it quickly became obvious that the home team were far more experienced in adapted gameplay having hosted the Sunday before versus Banbury. In contrast, The MAD just shuffled about looking perplexed and awkward but nevertheless overcome with emotion to once again be reunited with a quorum of hasbeens and neverweres.

 

Attention was now drawn to Mr Turner out in the middle, who was once again securing the toss before elbowing his opposite number. This act of elbowing wasn’t akin to football where you lose your rag and break someone’s jawbone, but symptomatic of the times where elbow bumps have now replaced the cordial and very English handshake. That seems most odd.

 

 

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Cricket in 2020….

 

 

The decision to bat first at MSCC is a simple one, given that the second innings is normally played out in darkness as the non-sun dips behind the very real trees. Entrusted with laying the foundations of a solid MAD total were Williams (7) and Hotson (1), both looking bewildered at the wicket and both out in comical fashion. Jake notched an earlier contender for the fictional EBI Trophy, whilst Williams decided to find the welcoming hands of the same deep cow fielder who dropped him for four the ball previous. Who says stupidity doesn’t strike twice?

 

A docile pitch shorn of any real pace would eventually do for Captain Turner (12) and would almost do for Howarth first ball. Dropped, Ian then chanced his arm for an enterprising 27 before lobbing some flan to point. From 59-4 the pub team lived up to their name by collapsing about like banjaxed winos at a landlady’s wake. Carter (1) may have been there, but probably wasn’t, Pearson could have scored fifty but only jogged 9, Timms’ (3) dismal day got off to being out to the catch of the century and Mike (4) was deeply unimpressed with walking out to face the opposition’s quickest bowler when clearly he shouldn’t have to because he holds the prestige of being The MAD’s incumbent Player of the Season.

 

 

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Hotson (facing) on his way to duck avoidance….

 

 

Anyone left? Ah, yes. Mr Rundle (0*) would cleverly stand at the non-striker’s end to expose Vermaak and Bullock to ducks (golden and silver respectively). Corne’s dismissal did of course tip its hat to that classic village two-card trick – namely an ill-directed wide followed up by a pearler on middle just nibbling off the seam. So, 72 all out off 18.5 unspectacular, run-of-the-mill, nothingy, often trundling, unmemorable and occasional pie-esque humdrum overs.

 

During an odd and decidedly puzzled interval bottles of sanitiser were liberally splashed about as fielders resolved to rebuke vectors of infection and stand up and be counted. In the gathering gloom, Mike (3-0-11-2) then did what Mike normally does, which is bowl with the ball on a shoelace and encourage batsmen to have a slog at him and eventually perish (Lancaster 0, G Williams 13). Mr Rundle (4-0-30-0) is similar in pace and dexterity but he alas had Mr Timms fielding at mid wicket. Gary would later apportion blame for his buttery fingers on sanitising gel being like butter (sort of).

 

The other two bowlers to go wicketless in this early late season MAD shafting were Vermaak (4-0-18-0) and Timms himself (2.1-0-16-0). Despite the latter throwing down a turd last ball which apparently had Gary snaffle up Buffet, a lengthy argument raged the following day against an online economy app and this decision would later be reversed (Mr Rundle thus receiving Buffet courtesy of the chap who leaked him runs). It’s a team game after all (giggles)….

 

 

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Psycho (left) blissfully unaware of the Buffet fiasco to come….

 

 

In a year symbolic for banging household pots and pans for NHS workers and ignoring all other essential workers, it felt utterly therapeutic to be back out in the field chasing leather and taking the piss. Friendly cricket doesn’t miss the competition, it doesn’t even miss being cricket sometimes, it never has, but it desperately misses the social interaction and witticisms. If this turns out to be the one and only game of 2020, before team mobiles begin to chime with calls from government offices to self-isolate, it will have been worth it.

 

Many thanks to Simon Pettit and MSCC for their resolve in getting this game on and a very warm clanging of his missus’ Stella cans for our Skipper, Mr Turner. Russ performed admirably on the evening as he cajoled and shepherded his flock and in doing so helped to divert an obvious unease.

 

Fuck you Covid.

 

 

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‘Spam’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Middleton Stoney CC

Played at Middleton Park, 15 July 2020

 

Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat

Middleton Stoney CC won by 8 wkts

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  n/a

 

 

20 / 510

 

 

 

 

 

35 over match

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

C. T. J. Williams

c E. Barton b J. Williams

7

(8)

1

-

2-14

2

J. C. W. Hotson

b J. Williams

1

(8)

-

-

1-5

3

R. P. Turner *

c J. Williams b R. Barton

12

(23)

1

-

3-28

4

I. Howarth

c A. Patel b J. Williams

27

(25)

5

-

7-68

5

G. Carter

b R. Barton

1

(10)

-

-

4-33

6

J. W. Pearson

b A. Patel

9

(15)

1

-

5-59

7

G. J. Timms

c R. Barton b G. Williams

3

(4)

 

-

6-66

8

M. K. Reeves

b Wordsworth

4

(10)

-

-

8-71

9

M. S. Rundle

not out

0

(7)

-

-

-

10

C. J. Vermaak

b Wordsworth

0

(1)

-

-

9-72

11

M. Bullock †

b Wordsworth

0

(2)

-

-

10-72

 

Extras

W7, B1

8

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 18.5 overs)

72

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

Econ

 

1

J. Williams

4

1

11

3

2.75

 

2

Wordsworth

3.5

1

8

3

2.09

 

3

E. Barton

2

0

12

0

6.00

 

4

R. Barton

2

1

4

2

2.00

 

5

A. Patel

3

0

14

1

4.67

 

6

K. Patel

2

0

19

0

9.50

 

7

G. Williams

2

0

3

1

1.50

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Middleton Stoney CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

H. Lancaster

c Vermaak b Reeves

0

 

-

-

1-0

2

G. Williams

b Reeves

13

 

2

-

2-28

3

K. Patel

not out

28

 

4

-

-

4

J. Lumb

not out

30

 

3

1

-

5

B. Breaker

 

 

 

 

 

 

6

T. House *

 

 

 

 

 

 

7

A. Patel

 

 

 

 

 

 

8

P. Wordsworth

 

 

 

 

 

 

9

J. Williams

 

 

 

 

 

 

10

R. Barton

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

E. Barton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

W3

3

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 2 wickets, 13.1 overs)

74

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

Econ

 

1

Reeves

3

0

11

2

3.67

 

2

Rundle

4

0

30

0

7.50

 

3

Vermaak

4

0

18

0

4.50

 

4

Timms

2.1

0

16

0

7.38

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  I. Howarth

Champagne Moment:  M. K. Reeves’ wicket with a straight ball

Buffet Award:  M. S. Rundle’s out-of-date Tesco Value chicken pie 

MAD Moment:  I. Howarth  &  J. W. Pearson ball watching as it stopped shy of the boundary (would then sprint two)

 

 

Opposition:  V079 / 06

Ground:  G071 / 06

Captain:  C024 / 32

Match No:  20 / 140