“Mike’s Fault”

Match: 21 / 541

Lost by 8 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	98
M. Reeves 41, R. Turner 19
UOHCC	101 - 2
C. Roberts 2 - 16

With the airwaves full of kiss and spread stories by Tory politicians, it almost went unnoticed that the FFTMCC were struggling manfully to rescue a Sunday of cricket. With the Harwellites opting to go down the League route, the stars would finally align for an inaugural match against the acronymically confusing UOHCC. This was very much a ‘United’ front of ‘Oxford Hospitals’ and not one of the other dozen translations banded about. A team destined to play The MAD for some three or four years, a game hampered by shit weather, an absence of a ground, pandemics and a myriad of other issues and problems.

A clutch of Ulster Operational Heroes Hospital dudes.

With Brasenose booked by some blokes in jeans and shorts, today’s cricketing duel would be shifted next door to Queens College, home to The MAD’s solitary win of the season and a day to treasure because we didn’t lose. If weather apps were to be believed, it would start pissing down around 1pm, so the point of turning up and changing into whites would be inconsequential and a waste of everyone’s time and petrol. The discussion was had, as it always is on days like these, shitty forecasts and leaden skies, but no actual… real rain. The optimists won out and the game would survive.

Timms would ensure he had no say in the day by quickly losing the toss and being intrigued by the Universities of Halifax UOHCC’s decision to bowl first. Had they read our match reports? Seen our results? Known of The MAD’s ever lengthening injury crisis to the batting department? We will never know, unless we ask them. Hadfield OUT (hamstring) after life on the run. Sergeant Pearson OUT (shoulder) after close quarter combat behind enemy lines. Emerson OUT (ribs) after laughing at MAD batting. Howarth OUT (knee) after drunk parkour running… and the… (sigh)

Mike on his way to finishing 109 in arrears….

Deciding that this was the day to have Mr Reeves hit the team’s maiden 150, six of the top order quickly got out to give him ample time at the crease. Turner paddled 19, Williams lumped 17, Timms and Rundle jointly slapped fourth top scores of 5, and Hoskins and Gerber blobbed. Mike now began his assault. Into the 10s, into the 20s, into the 30s, into the 40s, and… oh.

The shock of our left hander’s departure for a shameful and dispiriting 41, would pull the plug on The MAD innings two runs shy of a ton. Debutant Bateman (4) avoided the ignominy of a Duck on Debut (no mean achievement), with Roberts (1) and Vermaak (0) opting to leave Hotson defiant on not a lot not out. Pick of the Umbrella Organisation of Housing UOHCC bowling were G Halfhead (4-16) and young Ms Patel (5-26), the latter graciously sacrificing her bank savings for jugs of beer.

Rundle hitting out and managing something other than a dot.

We haven’t seen a flapjack nor the Tintin tin for a good while and this autumnal day in June was no different. MAD Players collapsing to the turf during the interval with hypoglycaemic fits. It’s Mike’s fault, not his wife you understand, just like those missing 109 runs we were sure he promised.

On resumption of the game, the paparazzi descended on the ground to shoot thousands of photos as The MAD got splattered. Tall Bob did good with figures of 4-1-16-2, getting extra bounce from that thousand-foot vantage point of his, but everyone else wasn’t that good, with the other 9.1 overs going for 81 runs. Mr Timms sneakily nabbed buffet, but it was all Mike’s fault for getting clobbered at 12.93 an over. Talbot (60*) and Choudhry (30*) saw the Unbelievable Onion Harvest UOHCC home at a canter.

Umpire under a South African attack!

This match was played in a fine spirit with no small modicum of humour and banter, a rivalry to nurture and one where The MAD will hopefully see the return of many of their absent bodies in years to come.

The final chapter of this day concerns Howarth finding a pint of draught cider at the Tap Social for “only” £4.50 and Mike causing the pub’s app to crash by using a fraudulent credit card. Matter finally resolved, there was ample time to bemoan the ageing process and ogle the quite stunning waitress in tight leather trousers, tumbling dark jumper, long ebony hair… and (ahem)… who for all intents and purposes, must have felt a quiet sadness for all the middle-aged men reliving the part of Kevin Spacey in American Beauty.

An amusing footnote to this match, was the groundsman (Dan) only charging the FFTMCC the going rate for a T20 match! Hahahaha!

‘Pat Arkour’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Isis CC Played at Queens College, 27 June 2021 United Oxford Hospitals CC won the toss and elected to field United Oxford Hospitals CC won by 8 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: James Christopher Bateman (162)

21 / 541 40 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. P. Turner	c N. Halfhead b G. Halfhead	19	(32)	1	-	3-33
2	G. J. Timms *	b G. Halfhead	5	(7)	1	-	1-10
3	J. C. Bateman	c Choudhry b Gray	4	(20)	-	-	2-29
4	C. T. J. Williams	c Choudhry b G. Halfhead	17	(18)	4	-	4-46
5	M. S. Rundle	b Patel	5	(35)	1	-	7-62
6	J. D. Hoskins	b G. Halfhead	0	(1)	-	-	5-46
7	D. Gerber	b Patel	0	(3)	-	-	6-46
8	M. K. Reeves	c Choudhry b Patel	41	(44)	7	-	10-97
9	C. D. Roberts	b Patel	1	(11)	-	-	8-79
10	C. J. Vermaak	c Gray b Patel	0	(5)	-	-	9-85
11	J. C. W. Hotson †	not out	0	(5)	-	-	-
	Extras	W4, B1	5
	TOTAL	(all out, 30.1 overs)	97

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	G. Halfhead	8	3	16	4	2.00
2	Gray	8	1	30	1	3.75
3	Patel	7.1	2	26	5	3.63
4	Angrish	4	0	14	0	3.50
5	J. Halfhead	3	0	10	0	3.33

Team	United Oxford Hospitals CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. Talbot	not out	60	(39)	11	-	-
2	N. Halfhead †	c Hotson b Roberts	0	(4)	-	-	1-7
3	N. Khan	b Roberts	10	(11)	2	-	2-29
4	T. Choudhry	not out	30	(18)	3	-	-
5	J. Halfhead
6	R. Angrish
7	A. Gray
8	J. Venables
9	G. Halfjead
10	J. Lamerton *
11	P. Patel
	Extras	B1	1
	TOTAL	(for 2 wickets, 13.1 overs)	101

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Hoskins	2	0	15	0	7.50
2	Roberts	4	1	16	2	4.00
3	Vermaak	3	0	10	0	3.33
4	Reeves	2.1	0	28	0	12.92
5	Timms	2	0	28	0	14.00

MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: C. D. Roberts’ wicket (bowled) Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ value flapjacks (undercooked) MAD Moment: I. Howarth’s shining of ball (for opposition) before Hoskins is bowled to an inswinging yorker first ball

Opposition: V0 / 0 Ground: G0 / 0 Captain: C0 / 0 Match No: 40 / 0