MAD Glossary “A – I”
*
Comic book? Graphic novel? Back of a graffiti daubed toilet door? The
Glossary is an idea dating back to 2006 which was sewn by Mike Reeves, who
having recently joined the club from a shit pub team worse than our own,
declared he hadn’t got a clue what everyone else was on about. His reasoning
was that since the club was established some eight years previous, many of
the terms, references and lingo were alien to the unacquainted. Fast forward to a pandemic riddled 2021 and after an annually
exhaustive MOT, the Far from the MCC’s allegedly
most popular web page comes back online. A huge amount of thanks to all
contributors, however small, for the gems and inspiration which have gone
into creating this encyclopaedic breakdown of MAD folklore. |
*
“AAAARRGGGHHH!!!!!” A
typical noise omitted when a player gets a ball in the knackers (bollocks).
Russ Turner copped a beauty whilst fielding at Wootton & Boars Hill in
2013. Similarly, James Hoskins was felled in 2010 v Milton CC (see below). On
any and every occasion players from both teams find it hilarious. |
“Accumulator” Not
a reference to a steadily built innings, but in fact a reference to Chris
Robert’s easy way to become a millionaire. Tall Bob regularly picks seventeen
(or more) home wins on the football pools and watches the cash come flooding
in. Oh….
|
Adjoining
Field A sustained and prolonged hammering by an opposition
batsman was a regular fixture in 2017, but the pasting on Tour on Blagdon
Hill was perhaps the pastiest of all. Young L Trottman (bowling below)
whacked a dozen enormous sixes, which would result in a non-playing James
Pearson permanently stationed in an adjoining field (behind the bowler). |
Aggro Any match against Wootton
& Bladon CC (the provocatively nicknamed Fat Boys]) The early years were
the worst with 2003’s encounter in Bladon the best worst example, in which umpire Tony Mander (aka ‘The Doc’)
threatened to take the teams off the pitch to quell the unrest. |
“All
day mate.” A saying embraced by The MAD ever since Dan Edwards was
quoted using it whilst batting in the face of hostile sledging. It is thought
as meaning a type of rebuke “whatever, ha ha, bring it on… etc, just keep
trudging that crap out etc – and I’ll just keep on going… batting all day etc.” Or maybe it had some other darker meaning, but you’d have
to ask Dan…. |
Afghanistan In 2013, Rahman Alizha became
The MAD’s first Afghan recruit, after being coerced into playing from a St.
Clements’ newsagents by Ian Leggate. Rahman bowled and batted with aplomb and
then sadly... disappeared. |
Age Just as with ‘height’, The MAD are fixated with ‘age’.
Who is the youngest and, more importantly, who is the oldest cunt in the
team? |
Amazingly
Amazing A perfect couple of words
which encompass Mr G. J. Timms’ first MAD Tour experience. After an elongated
apprenticeship, and after tiring of the endless Tour stories assuaged by his
team mates, Gary finally enrolled for the 2014 shambles which was f______
T______. We are deeply sorry, Gary – Tour is usually fantastic…. Better look next year, aye? |
Ambassador Before (and during) the Tour of Louth in 2009, club snob
and chief extrovert Steve Parkinson announced to the entire team that he
would be representing the team in an “ambassadorial role”. This aloof,
self-proclaimed importance netted him a pile of abuse and a shitload of fines
– and still haunts him to the present day. |
Amnesia Prior to the match at
Stogumber, Minehead in 2017, Ian Howarth went on a quiet day’s binge drinking
with Geoff Carter. Starting off at the hotel, they then got twatted on a
steam train, twatted at the ground and then some pub in the outback. By
morning, Ian text and emailed the team in a panic realising he has lost his beloved
Canon and all the photos from the previous day. That was until he found it is
his kitbag – in his room – where he put it. |
Anatidaephobia Gary Timms was accused by his missus of suffering from
this peculiarity after a rash of ducks and subsequent obsession thereof. The
phobia describes the sufferer fearing that no matter where they are, or what
they are doing, a duck is watching. |
Angel
& Greyhound Pricey pub situated just off The Plain in the centre of
Oxford, the Angel was the rendezvous for the ill-fated trip to Wembley in
2011, where a quick pint and a coach turned into an elongated session and
Gary Littlechild waiting an eternity near the stadium for his “team mates” to
show up…. |
Antony’s
Bunny Andrew Darley was, and always will be, Antony Mann’s
bunny. See “Bunny” for further information relating to. |
Apparel
(Club) Martin Westmoreland is, and
always has been, the Club Kit Man. Somehow, sometime back in the day, Moo
ruefully accepted responsibility for ordering in new shirts. These days, he
has an inventory comparable to Sports Direct and an entire family working on
outstanding orders. |
Appetite There have always been some
LARGE appetites within the Far from the MCC, but none can come anywhere near
matching the destructive, carnivorous force which is one Mr. R. P. Turner. |
Appleton Appleton is a village in the
civil parish of Appleton-with-Eaton some four miles northwest of Abingdon. It
boasts a leafy little cricket ground by some sewerage works, with the amusing
and affable local team providing opposition for the FFTMCC since 2009. |
Arm
Wrestling After the conclusion of a
very successful 2015 AGM, the excessive booze then commanded several players
should partake in an impromptu arm wrestling competition. Tall Bob (below
left) would manhandle his way to victory, and on the way cause various
injuries to other contestants. |
Aston
Tirrold Home to the Astons CC, South
Oxford – perennial opposition for The MAD since 2007. Also, home to Tim and
Lucy Henman who live adjacent to the ground and of course not forgetting some
totally bias umpires. |
Auction Following the end of the 2011 season, it was decided to
auction off at the subsequent AGM all of the crap that had slowly built up in
team kit bag[s] over the years [a decade if told]. The idea, first muted by
Jake Hotson, proved highly successful bringing in much needed revenue to the
club. |
Australia The club have had many
Australians play for them over the years, with nearly all of them deciding
they hated their downtrodden, sarcastic teammates and buggering off whence
they came. |
Balti
Towers An amusing nickname for the
Fountain Court Hotel which is located in Hythe & Dibden. The term was
coined on the Tour of 2016 due to the laughable nature of the place and the
fact it had Indian owners. |
Barrow
Boys A collective for The MAD’s two commuting Londonites Steve
Dobner and his brother-in-law Gary Littlechild. Whilst not strictly
geographically true, we don’t give a shit as we enjoy using the term. Also,
they both have a ‘barrow’ drawl, awight? |
Battered Another
bilingual term. It is both used to describe the condition of some of the team
prior to a match on a Sunday – and, also to reference some of The MAD bowling
on display. |
Beach
Hotel (Minehead) Somehow
Dave Shorten managed to book sixteen pissed cricketers into the Beach Hotel
on Minehead seafront in 2017, all for the price of some cheap toilet roll.
James Hoskins would then repeat the feat two years later. |
Beavis
& Butthead Jon
Newman-Robson (Beavis, on the right) and Andrew Darley (Butthead, on left)
are likened to our cartoon comedy heroes. They room together on Tour and
behave like our cartoon heroes (on and off the field). |
Bench A
wooden or galvanised iron bench is a sure-fire way to sleep off the effects
of a healthy session. The MAD have made religious use of benches over the
course of time. |
Berry’s
Coaches (Minehead) The
MAD have got previous when it comes to having “issues” with coach hire. On
Tour to Minehead in 2017, Mr Reeves ensured the team all died of carbon
monoxide poisoning after booking an obsolete model from the 1970’s. Below is
the last known photo of those tourists. May they rest in peace. |
Bertie Joe
Cartwright’s iconic little (Bassett) hound is now synonymous with MAD matches.
After losing his head and legs to a mauling from Midge (Dave Shorten’s dog),
they now appear to have a more rounded understanding. |
Big
Society (BS) Another
popular local watering hole for team members living off the Cowley Road, Oxford.
The Big Society offers up welcoming staff, US-style fast food and a decent
smattering of beer and cider served in schooners. There is also plenty of
nice eye candy. |
Biffa A name given to a new club bat acquired by Steve Dobner
back in 2004. It was thought to give the ball a pretty good smack when
middled and thus ended up with the name “Biffa”. There were numerous
investments in “Biffas” over the years, each with an identifying numerical
post-fix (i.e Biffa 3). To date there are now none left – all fucked. |
Bicycle
/ Bike Ride Ever since Mike Reeves decided to cycle across America
from Los Angeles to Boston in 2009, anyone seen on a bike is said to be
impersonating him. He would now struggle to cycle from Botley to the centre
of town. |
Big
Bird No, not a reference to another MAD dismissal for a large
nought, but the nickname of OUP master batsman Chris Heron. See “Inspector
Gadget” for further details. |
Bitch Since
Paddy Mellor made mention that he loved batting against teammate David
Emerson – the dye was cast. Whilst on Tour in 2013, Paddy guested for
Belvedere CC and by opening the batting for them, got the opportunity to back
up his boasts. He duly humped David all over Weston-super-Mare, and as a
result – David became his bitch. |
Black
Boy Inn Represents the designated watering hole for pre and
post-match drinks against Milton CC in Bloxham. It also boasts barmaids of
wonderful form, Morris Dancers and an excellent beer garden. The beer, lager
and cider aren’t too bad either. |
Blackout
Juice Traditionally consumed by Italians as a springtime
aperitif, this sparkling wine (cava) has quickly become the fast-track to
lightly sparkling oblivion for millions of UK drinkers, and of course members
of the Far from the MCC. |
Black
Cat During
and after Mark Rundle’s incredible sequence of wicketless matches as a MAD
bowler (spanning more than one season), it was assumed he had ran over a
black cat or something (an old superstition). Watching him toil away, over
after over, the ball continually beating the bat (and stumps), it was assumed
he must’ve been cursed…? |
Blame
Game It’s
always somebody’s fault. ALWAYS. Usually, it’s the Skipper for losing the
toss and / or batting first on a shit pitch etc. Other times it’s the
groundsman for preparing a total dog of a wicket (notwithstanding it’s the
same for both teams). But
sometimes, it’s simply easier to lay blame on Mr Paddy Mellor for organising
the 2014 Tour to f______ T______. Never to be forgotten! |
Blenheim
(Andy) During the now infamous pasting at Tetsworth CC in 2009,
the home Skipper Andy Blenheim championed our cause with a typically West
Indian grin throughout – though it could have been the effects of the 38 cans
of Stella he consumed on the day. Recently snapped on camera at the
Cricketers Arms off the Cowley Road. |
Blenheim
Palace Without doubt, Blenheim is one of the most regal of
cricket grounds in Oxfordshire – if certainly not one of the best of
pitches in Oxfordshire. A match against Blenheim Park CC provides all the
surroundings and scenery to make it a true highlight of any MAD fixtures
calendar. However, after going back to the wrong pub for a post-match drink
some years ago, we haven’t been invited back. C’est la vie. |
Blenheim
(The Royal) Centrally based by the new Westgate centre, “The
Blenheim” has been host to many a decent MAD session to take in a variety of
sports. Perhaps most famously (or infamously if you are Mike Reeves) it
carried coverage of Superbowl LI where the Patriots beat the Falcons in the
early hours following a rather surreal and dramatic turnaround. |
Blue
Room (St Aldates Tavern) Serial venue for many MAD AGMs, the Blue Room atop of
the St. Aldates Tavern in the centre of town and is perfectly suited to small
social gatherings. It has its own bar, a functioning kitchen, a projection
monitor for endless PowerPoint presentations and resplendent views onto the
Oxford streets below. |
Blue
Mountains Irregular MAD antipodean, Mr A. G. Mann, now resides in
the Blue Mountains of NSW, Australia. It does a fine line in bush fires,
plane crashes and alien infestations. It also has a cricket team who are a bunch
of joyless pricks (apparently). |
Boars
Hill Oxford’s
answer to Mulholland Drive, Boars Hill boasts roads (Foxcombe Road) with
similar views to the famed American highway in a very particular English type
of way. However, the area will always be synonymous with MAD player Dave
Shorten – who took time out to thrust a flag in the soil and build his own
home there. |
Bodleian
Fallout With
the release in 2018 of The MAD’s second book ‘Never at This Level’, a
celebration of their twenty years of being, it seems their banter and
ebullient fervour wasn’t quite reciprocated by the good fellows of the
Bodleian (cricket team). Taking umbrage at the narrative after feeling
slighted, The Bods declined to play The MAD going forwards as they felt “the team cannot take to the
field in the spirit of good sportsmanship.” |
Bodyline Synonymous
with the infamous Ashes series of 1932-33, Jon Newman-Robson and Ian Howarth
decided to re-enact this dangerous pastime whilst on Tour to Felixstowe in
2018. Amped up on Ribena (dark fruit Strongbow), our braindead heroes went at
it for several overs before Howarth collapsed after being hit. |
Bollocks Whenever
The MAD lose a game of cricket, the critique in the bar thereafter revolves
around decisions made by the Skipper – rather than the individual failings of
the team (of which there are no doubt plenty). His decisions are likened /
compared to testicles (bollocks). The
word has Anglo Saxon origins and is used as an adjective to mean “poor
quality” or “useless”. |
Bologna,
Italy T20
specialist Nick Hill left these shores in 2017 to go teaching in Bologna. He
is rumoured to still be alive with no horses’ heads thus far found on his
bed. |
Boonie’s
Toast After a tiring net session in 2006, OU Office batting
star James Boon found his stomach didn’t agree with his pint. Bystanders were
caught in the subsequent projectile attack – with Andrew Darley keeping this
unfortunate piece of toast in his garage fridge for posterity. |
Bovine
Mascot The battery powered Bovine Mascot made his debut
in 2006 and was intended to perform a celebratory role every time Mr
Westmoreland hoiked a ball to cow corner. Its little dance routine involved
the cow opening its coat and mooing half a dozen times. The item is
now thought sadly lost…. |
Bowlplex
(Telford) Gaudy, trite and full of
unruly pissed up chavs on jugs of shocking lager – it’s your local Bowlplex,
and the one to be found in f______ T______ has to be right up there with the
very shittest ones on Mother Earth. |
Boxing In the fall of 2017, lightweight
Chris Williams collected hundreds of pounds off willing sponsors to have his
face filled in at a white-collar boxing event. Unfortunately, in the run up
to his charitable debut, his ribs were smashed to pieces after he was given
some sparring against a fully blown heavyweight. Bout off. |
Brasenose After a year in the sporting wilderness (Kidlington), the
Far from the MCC returned to central Oxford at the start of 2009. Following
successful negotiations, their home games would now be played at Brasenose
College Sports Ground. It certainly ticked all the right boxes when not
underwater and also had a decent pub in spitting distance from the pavilion. |
Bridge Who
can forget the bridge that gives you access to the ground at Bridgetown CC in
Minehead? Certainly, none of those who toured there in 2017 (and 2019). |
Bridgetown
CC Who
can forget the picturesque, slopey ground of Bridgetown CC in Minehead?
Certainly, none of those who toured there in 2017. |
British
Gas (Centrica) The
corporate energy giant has been a fertile hunting ground for MAD recruitment
in recent years. It seems everyone who works at the Cowley offices seems to
play cricket. If you don’t play cricket, you won’t get an interview, it’s that
simple, or at least it appears that way. Now of course the building is
closed, so new faces…. |
Broken
(Nets) Before
the 2012 season had even gotten underway, Captain Mr Westmoreland, would
declare nets officially “broken”. The unruly session came about in Martin’s
absence, finding numerous bowlers trying to knock the heads off their
counterparts with short pitch shite, and batsman who really should know
better, trying to smash ceiling lights whilst slogging. The Sunday in
question was a true half-mast day for MAD cricket in general. |
Buffet
(Bowling) According to the Urban Dictionary, it’s “a bowler in cricket who is bowling deliveries that are easy to hit for
runs. So, named because in a buffet, you can take what you want in large
amounts.” The MAD have been serving up
this type of shit for years, as the image below so perfectly illustrates…. |
Bullshit Not a reference to the excrement which exits a male cow’s
behind, but a term applied to most things that come out of Michael ‘Billy’
Clarke’s mouth (after numerous sherries at the bar). His propensity for
exaggerating certain truths first became apparent on Tour in 2004. |
Bumming The use of the term “bumming” is a Lincolnshire saying
passed on by club snob Steve Parkinson. It is an accurate critique of an
absolute drubbing; “we [the team] were made to look like the other team’s
bitches as we got resolutely tonked (smacked all over the bloody place). A
right total bumming”. |
Bunny Bunny: also
known as a Rabbit. A member of the side who cannot generally bat and
is selected as a specialist bowler or wicketkeeper (or neither and
generally just makes up the numbers for the team). It can also be used to
describe a player who often gets out to one bowler in particular – Mike
Atherton was Glenn McGrath's bunny. |
Butlins
(Minehead) Thinking you could simply walk into the place and pay up
for pirate golf, the tour party of 2017 found themselves turned away at the
gate having no day passes. Fuck Butlins. |
Cake Any fans of Radio 5 Live would be well acquainted with
talk of delightful cakes and scones that light up the commentator’s box. The
MAD have had their own culinary genius to thank for some of their superb
exhibits from time to time – Kim Dobner (beaten housewife of Steve). |
Campervan If you toured Somerset in 2005, how could you possibly
forget Thornton Smith’s iconic campervan? A rickety death machine that
doubled as a mobile scoreboard after rubber suction cups and plastic numbers
were sourced from a nearby toy shop. To complement the below image, we found The Dude (Antony
Mann) hanging out. |
CAMRA Matt Bullock is chairman of
The MAD and he is also the chairman of Oxford CAMRA. Henceforth, the club are
fairy ingrained in all things beer, cider and real ale. |
CAMRA
Pub Crawl With every MAD Tour comes a
Matt Bullock enthused CAMRA pub crawl. Typically earmarked for the day off, a
medium size troupe of sizzled tourists follow Warnie like a pack of sheep as
he guides them to a succession of CAMRA endorsed watering holes. Some of
which are even open for business. |
Canada The FFTMCC’s fourth female player, #120 Sandra
Steinhauer, heralded from Canada. Boyfriend and Club hedonist Ian Leggate
recently disappeared to this North American country to stalk her and
eventually marry her. |
Canterbury
House During the fateful Tour of Sidmouth in 2010, Mr. Hoskins’
party (of six) were served an invoice for their 3 day stay at the Canterbury
House B&B. On there was a now legendary charge for the urination
of a bed. Further to the charge was the below statement at the bottom of the
invoice: ** - Please note that we are reserving the right to make
any further compensation claims, depending upon what action (if any) needs to
be taken to remove the urine smell from room 6, ready for further letting
immediately from the 15th August, and any other consequential
damage that may have been caused to the mattress. |
Cape
of Good Hope Regular watering hole for Team MAD during the off season
and during the season to be fair. The former landlady, Rachel Langley, would subsequently
take over the Royal Oak on Woodstock Road whereby the team followed in lieu
of sponsorship. She left that pub too, and so did The MAD. |
Car
Park Exactly what you would opinion this term to describe – an
area to park your car. However, due to an on-field altercation between one of
the club’s resident Happy to relay the situation was resolved in an adult
fashion before anyone needed to move their cars [or cover their front teeth]. |
Cash
Box A familiar site post-match is
Mike Reeves’ bulging bean box. Here he collects MAD cricketing taxes and
plans his holidays to the USA by pilfering club funds largely unaudited –
much like the EU (not that we can validate that statement naturally). |
Causeway On Tour in 2013 in
Weston-Super-Mare, Team MAD paraded their wares along the seafront causeway.
Built sometime by somebody, it went some way to entertaining the players for
a good few minutes. |
Charity
Shops and Arcades Full of junk that nobody really
wants but can’t be bothered to dispose of at a recycling plant, charity shops
are now a British institution. Having replaced decent retail outlets by the
coast, club beatnik, Mr. T. P. W. Smith, can be seen pilfering through the
vast mountains of shite before heading off to a run-down amusement arcade
with little in the way of amusement. |
Cheese
Boys A common name banded about to describe our arch rivals
Cholsey CC. It was derived during a match at the Cheesites’ home several
years ago, where the cricket teas consisted of various types of cheese
sandwiches, cheese and onion crisps and cheesecake for afters [good news if
you’re a vegetarian]. Even the local boozer [Red Lion] served up a variety of
cheese dishes. |
Chemical
Brothers An amusing collective for MAD regulars Thornton Smith,
Ian Howarth and the late (and great) Adrian J. Fisher, who in 2004 carried
out extensive post-match research into an assortment of “chemicals” that
could be procured from various social misfits. |
Cheque
(Giant) This huge cheque*, or placard, was presented to Mr I.
Howarth at the 2007 AGM for his winning of the Player of the Season
award. Thought lost, it eventually turned up under his bed beneath some
hardened cat shit. The cheque was last seen in a skip off the Abingdon Road. |
Cidre Bouché As an award for the Champagne Moment of season
2005, Ian Howarth was presented with a bottle of French Cider at the AGM. The
bottle of Cidre Bouché (4.5%) resided in a wall-mounted cupboard in his
kitchen for several years, before the ungrateful cunt poured it down the sink
after finding it to have “gone off”. |
Cigarette
Lighters Fed
up with Jake Hotson’s constant requests to borrow someone’s lighter whilst on
Tour to Minehead in 2017, Andrew Darley finally broke and went to the nearest
pound shop to buy him a couple of hundred. |
Cigarette
Lighter Domino Rally Pissed
up of the Friday evening on Tour to Minehead 2017, Russ Turner stole all of
Jake’s lighters and delighted in creating a domino rally out of them at the
quayside pub. |
Clouds Tall Bob has his head in
them, whilst Mr Hoskins worships them. Clouds – a visible mass of liquid
droplets suspended in the atmosphere above the surface of a planetary body. A
little like Marmite, you either love or hate them. |
Clueless The informed opinion of
everyone who witnessed Andrew Darley’s bow as MAD skipper on Tour at
Stogumber in 2017. Re-organising the batting order and deciding in his
infinite wisdom to open up with roommate, Jon Newman, the team immediately
slumped to 12 for 6. Game fucking over. |
Coach
(Reynolds of Caister) Whilst
on Tour in Norfolk in 2012, Tour Organiser Ian Howarth persuaded the
Treasurer (Mike Reeves) to part with £280 of club funds to commandeer a
twenty-six seater coach to Saxlingham Nethergate (to play the Gents). It
was an unprecedented waste of money on a grandiose scale, with the coach less
than half full including a Giant Duck. The journey was capped off by dropping
the team off in the middle of nowhere in lieu of finding a pub near to the
ground that didn’t exist anymore. |
Coffin Seemingly
back in vogue, the familiar cricket coffin has suddenly made a reappearance
after years in the sporting wilderness. The one pictured below belongs to Mr
J. Newman-Robson and is self-indulgent beyond belief – so much so it boasts
personalised ‘salad’ stickers and other assorted bollocks. |
Cold The coldest place on Mother Earth – Enstone CC. A
joyous away trip at the start of the year where you get to see reindeer and
father Christmas. |
Collapse The
match situation in which many batsmen are dismissed in
rapid succession for very few runs. The terms top
order collapse or middle order
collapse refer to batting collapses in a specific part of the batting
order. With the Far from the MCC, however, they usually combine several
specific collapses into one seismic all-encompassing collapse. Here is a
photo from Blenheim 2011…. |
Concrete The composite material that encases James Hoskins’ feet
whenever he goes out to bat. For example, there is absolutely no foot
movement whatsoever. |
Conference
Centre Balti Tower’s secret room of Tour 2016. So secret, it
never gets cleaned – thus extremely handy when you leave (Travel) Duck there
overnight. Unless Duck was there to keep an eye on a pissed-up opening
batsman of course.... |
Cornwall Forming
the westernmost part of the south-west peninsula of the island of Great
Britain, Cornwall is a beautiful and scenic area very popular with tourists.
Unfortunately, if the weather is shit, then it’s not very good, as was the
case when The Jude toured there back in 2002…. |
Covid-19 Starting
out as a trifling cough out in the Far East, the world would shortly
experience a pandemic courtesy of a contagious disease to be named Covid-19. A
couple of people died and everyone got to wear funky masks, but the serious
side was a delay to the cricket season starting. |
Cow Nope,
not a reference to cattle, but an ugly ‘hoik’ to leg which is commonplace in
village cricket. This ignoramus of textbook elegance has been embraced by The
MAD ever since their inception in 1998. |
Cowley
Marshes The
singularly most depressing of council pitches The MAD have ever been
unfortunate to play on. Unloved, rugged and with feral kids running amok
against a backdrop of graffiti splattered walls likening war to TERROR.iSM –
the Cowley Marshes is a desperate option. |
C___ The
‘C’ word – or “cunt” for those from another planet. It is a vulgar term for
female genitalia, and it is also used as a term of disparagement. Reflecting
different national usages, cunt is described as “an unpleasant or
stupid person”. Used extensively on and off the cricket pitch, it came into
its own on Tour 2016 with the Fines Book being riddled with the word. |
Cutteslowe
Park A
world away from the detritus of Cowley Marshes, Cutteslowe Park offers up an
excellent council ran cricket pitch and decent changing rooms. In summer the
place is awash with happy kids and parents and little in the way of unruly
yobs throwing bricks and bottles at you. |
Dancing
Injury A phrase often brought up to describe people struggling
with leg movement – or used to take the piss out of impaired opposition. It
came about after an incident involving James Hoskins some many years ago (in
a nightclub one would surmise). What the fuck he was doing that evening we
have no idea…. For the record, James is always breaking his ankles. See
below…. |
Daniel
Emlyn-Jones A research microbiologist and
author of numerous books on Amazon, Daniel somehow ended up on The MAD email
list during the 2018 campaign. Initially amused by the banter and rhetoric,
it soon became tiresome and Danny asked to be removed. But as we all know so
very well, that’s as easy as said than done once the original email had split
into several other threads. In the end, T20 Skipper David Shorten copped the
blame and in doing so reprimanded the team for being overtly childish for
repeatedly spamming Daniel’s email address…. |
Darley’s
Bunny Ian Howarth has always been rumoured to be Andrew
Darley’s bunny – on the pitch or in the nets. See “Bunny” for further
details. |
Darcy Russell Following Russ
Turner’s keeping against Appleton in 2018, Andrew Darley was quick to praise
him on email by stating “Turner kept wicket exceptionally, dancing elegantly
around behind the stumps and thus earning himself a new nickname of ‘Darcy
Russell’. |
Dark Fruit (Strongbow) The poison of choice whilst
on Tour to Felixstowe in 2018. Likened to Ribena, this tainted cider was
drunk by the gallons to keep hydrated. Before , during and after games. |
Dark Thoughts An attribute (and fine), that was often levied against
the club’s antipodean novelist, Antony Mann. He was often caught “staring” at
players during the course of match and it is thought that many of these
individuals contributed to the characters in Antony’s published (dark) short
stories. |
Deck
Chair(s) Brasenose
College Sports Ground is synonymous with its aged and striped deck chairs to
be found in the antiquated pavilion. In summer months these restive, classic
antiques transform the boundary into quintessential seaside affair. |
Deep
Slip A position in the field somewhere deep behind the slip cordon.
It was first coined back in the day by Jake Hotson – and was then
subsequently stolen by the excellent Sky Sports commentary team (avoiding
copyright). |
Dew
Drop Inn Reopened
and rebranded in 2016, The Dew Drop has served as a watering hole for Team
MAD since the early days. The pub’s close proximity to the cricket grounds at
Jordan Hill and Cutteslowe Park has made it an ideal pre and post-match
venue. |
Diamond A “diamond duck” – a batsman who is ran out without facing
a ball. Idiots dismissed in this fashion for Team MAD include Dave “Diamond”
Emerson and Ian Leggate (pictured below). It is an exclusive and much revered
club. |
Diarrhoea Several players are usually afflicted by bad guts during
a MAD Tour. Consecutive days imbibing oneself with beer and shitty fast food
render the individual bog ridden for hours at a time. Ian Howarth is prize
example, although his toiletry dependency is more a result of eating hot
curries and scotch bonnet pizzas. |
Dicking The use of the term “dicking” isn’t in any way a
reference to sexual shenanigans. It is often used by cricketers in answer to
the question of “how did you get on today, ole chap?” Well, if one’s day
consisted of getting a complete hiding / stuffing / massacring / tonking /
whalloping / bumming etc… you kinda get the drift. An excellent recent example of a “dicking” can be found
by perusing the link below…. |
Dobner
Clause Back in 2006, Steve Dobner claimed he was “too poor to
play” and that the resultant post-match fines were making his decision to
represent The MAD “unsustainable”. As a directive, it was decreed by the
Fines Committee that anyone currently unemployed could claim
“insolvency” (the Dobner Clause) and thus only be expected to pay a flat £1
fine whenever their fines exceeded that total. |
Dog
Shit A
bilingual term to describe a MAD player’s abject batting (a far too common
occurrence) and also a reference to the substance walked through a B&B
whilst on Tour to Weston-super-Mare in 2013 by Ian Howarth. |
Doggett
(Gary) Wootton
& Bladon’s legendary, cavemanesque glovesman and batsman. The whimsical
Gary is held together by bandage tape and glue and brings a certain brutality
to batting that Gilbert Jessup could only have dreamt of. |
Dorchester-on-Thames Back
in 2004, the Far from the Madding Crowd (as the team were then known)
contested a timed and moribund affair against Dorchester-on-Thames. The only
highlight, if you can call it that, was watching Thornton Smith pick magic
mushrooms in the outfield. Needless to say, the fixture was not continued. |
Dots A dot in a scorebook denotes a ball which has not been
scored off. Dan Edwards’ innings for The MAD are (were) synonymous with dot
balls and lots of them. Dan loved dots and dots loved him. His team mates
are less enamoured. |
Doughnuts A term first coined by Oxford’s joy-riding community in
the early 90s. A period in which they used to scream stolen cars in circles
in Blackbird Leys, filling the night air with the smell of burning rubber and
oily smoke. Fast forward to June 11, 2006 and club stalwart, Matt
Bullock, was seen “pulling a doughnut” in his TVR after enduring an insipid
defeat to Milton CC. Fortunately, Matt was exiting the adjacent field and not
the actual cricket pitch. |
Drone In
2018, James arrived on Tour to Felixstowe with his pet drone. His first act
of flying was to navigate it into a tree to spend the next hour retrieving
it. |
Duck Nobody is quite sure where Duck came into being,
he just did – although James Hoskins claims he bought him at a motorway service
station on Tour in 2009. Wherever the toy came from, Duck has cemented
himself at the very heart of The MAD’s mascot fraternity. In his short term
with the club, he has been drowned in lager at the Rose Bowl in Hampshire,
soaked up several pints of cider at the Folly Bridge Pub in Oxford, chewed to
a pulp by Joe Puppy and been on several MAD Tours. He is now rumoured to be
lost and David Emerson knows nothing about it. |
Duck(s) Nope, not the mascot who is called “Duck”, but the
registering of a “duck”. A batsman who is dismissed without scoring and out
for nought. The FFTMCC are quite obsessed with ducks and ducks are obsessed
with them. Go to the “Records” section of the website to find a
fascinating page relating solely to… er, ducks. |
Dude Dude, in
the prescriptive sense, can refer to both men and women. After Antony G. Mann
(who is/was often likened to “The Dude” from The Big Lebowski) forgot to
include an “s” at the end of the word in a group circular – the term could
thus be applied to a group of
Madsters. i.e a dude
of MAD. |
Duggers Duggers by name and Helen Dugdale by deed poll. Duggers
was synonymous with The MAD’s nemesis, the now defunct OU Office team. She
scored for them, organised their fixtures, supported them, washed their
whites, collated their statistics, massaged their egos. Helen is still available for contract should a club
require a cricketing servant of the highest possible calibre. |
Duke
of Wellington (Minehead) If
getting shitfaced on the cheap is the order of the day, then having an
evening/night out at Wetherspoons’ gloriously endorsed watering hole in
Minehead ticks all the right boxes. It also has a back room which doubles as
a godawful nightclub for Russ Turner to pull some shapes. |
Dumb
and Dumber Somehow,
Jon Newman-Robson and roommate Andrew Darley were nicknamed Dumb and Dumber
on Tour in 2017. Opening the batting at Stogumber and contributing two ducks
towards 12 for 6 certainly didn’t help. Hobbs
and Sutcliffe they most definitely were not. |
Dummer The
term can easily be used to describe some of the shot selection of MAD
batsmen, but in actual fact it relates to the indoor cricketing facilities at
the Dummer Cricket Centre in Basingstoke. The Far from the MCC have used
these facilities on numerous occasions under the false assumption it might
improve their game. It didn’t, though Howarth had a good argument with one of
the batting coaches. |
Dunkery
Beacon Hotel The Dunkery Beacon Hotel in Minehead, served as hotelier
for the Touring MAD from 2003 to 2005. A ramshackle, but cosy building cut
into the picturesque Somerset hills, it holds many wonderful memories for the
team – even if other guests would probably rather forget…. The hotel was bought and modernised some years ago and
now boasts a la carte evening menus and a Fine Wine list. |
Duntisbourne
Abbotts A
village and civil parish located in Gloucestershire that forms part of the
Cotswold District. Former opposition the Nomads of Swindon often hosted
cricket matches here. |
Dwile
Flonking The pastime of dwile flonking (also dwyle flunking)
involves two teams, each taking a turn to dance around the other while
attempting to avoid a beer-soaked dwile [cloth] thrown by the non-dancing
team. It is prevalent in Norfolk and whilst on Tour there in 2012, The MAD
were promised some ‘Flonking’ by the Saxlingham Gents CC. Alas, this never
came to pass, but the ridiculous game remains in MAD psyche. |
Eagle
& Child Best known as a watering hole for CS Lewis and JRR
Tolkien, and of course the far superior writer and talent who is Antony G
Mann. Owned by St John’s College in the centre of Oxford City, rumours
continue to swirl around its longevity as a pub. |
Eastbourne The FFTMCC toured the south coastal town of Eastbourne in
2007. It was a riotous success, despite the off-colour weather – and there
was hardly a whiff of piss in the air (old people). Organiser James Hoskins
even orchestrated an air show to keep the Tourists amused – super stuff. |
ECB Coaching Course Certificate – Level
1 Proof positive that some of the
Far from the MCC are actually qualified to ECB Level One coaching standards,
or at least James Dunne Hoskins is. Note the certificate covered and stained
by a red wine spillage, which is very apt. |
Eco
Toilet A waterless toilet existing in the jungle behind Reach
CC’s cricket ground. This composting turd hut was used by the team on Tour in
2018, when all other options were given up. |
EGM Things got so bad in the
results department in 2011, that an Emergency General Meeting was called
halfway through the season to shore up confidence for the then beleaguered
MAD skipper, Mr M. T. Westmoreland. In total The MAD lost a
staggering 13 consecutive games, which included a humbling reverse in the
rain to the Bodleian in a T20. |
Electricians A common name given to historical opposition R. T.
Harris. Their team apparently consisted of sparkies (electricians) who worked
for the company, although a random head count would never throw up more than
two employees, probably due to the number of East Oxford CC players in their
ranks. |
eLighters An electronic fag, vape or
nicotine delivery system is a battery-powered vaporizer which simulates the
feeling of smoking, but without tobacco combustion. It’s a gimmick obviously,
and several of the team have bought into it. |
E-mail
List “Once you get on, you can never get off.” A quote that
sums up the Far from the MCC’s notorious team e-mail list(s). Since its
inception back in the day, this list has morphed and transformed into
many varied, hybrid bastard versions – each seemingly belonging to a
different player of the team past and present. So even if you want to get
yourself removed from one list, you’re fairly guaranteed to be on another…. New recruits are now warned in advance of heavy Club
spamming and advised to use a Hotmail address. |
Emblem An excellent job by Russ
Turner’s printing press in 2017 to produce Touring Emblem’s to give away to
various hosts. |
Estonia A reference to Enstone CC
following a trip there at the start of 2013 to play one of the coldest games
of cricket ever known. It is doubtful the temperature got much above
freezing, but with the wind chill applied, it was desperate. See “Cold”. |
Exercise(s) In
recent years, some of The MAD team have taken to pre-game warm up exercises
in addition to drinking alcohol. Whether the two go hand in hand is open to
debate. |
Extreme Since
Paddy Mellor was sworn in as Fines Chairman, nearly every fine’s tariff was
doubled on being “extreme”. Extreme frowning, extreme sighing, extreme
smugness and extreme… well, anything really. Rather
than being indicted for being an officious prick, Paddy was instead
championed by the Treasurer for raising ‘essential’ fines income for the
Club. |
Fantasy
Cricket MAD
Fantasy Cricket was the brainchild of James Hoskins and dates back to 2006.
Using mysterious convoluted formulas based on previous seasons successes and
failures, JMO’s competition runs every season and has now become almost as
important as the cricket itself (at least you have a chance of winning). |
Far
from the Madding Crowd Revered home pub and sponsor to the club after it was
opened by Posthumous Club Patron, Noel P. Reilly, back in the summer of 2002.
Located in the centre of Oxford it became the sister pub to the Jude Obscure
in nearby Jericho. The club became nomadic (the No-Mad) after deciding to
leave the establishment in the fall of 2004. Sadly,
the pub closed at the start of 2015 after being deemed by the landlord as “no
longer economically viable”. It has since reopened after becoming a Caribbean
restaurant. |
Fat
Boys An amusing nickname given to our arch-rivals and good
friends from Wootton & Bladon CC. It was noted several years ago that
various members of the opposition were ample of the gut and most rounded at
the waist. Over the years, we’re happy to relay that some of these (more)
portly gentlemen have been replaced in kind. |
Felixstowe A seaside town in Suffolk and
location of the sun-baked MAD Tour of 2018. The Port of Felixstowe is the
largest container port in the UK (apparently). |
Female
Weightlifters Due
to the quite shocking weather which serenaded the Tour of 2008 to South Wales
(The Mumbles), the tourists found themselves camped on a daily basis within
the four walls of the local pubs. Fortunately, the Beijing Olympics was on –
so attention and betting was immediately focused on the female weightlifting
competition. Fuck
knows who won it (the competition that is)… though probably the Chinese…. |
Fennel A vegetable, bulbous in shape, which is rumoured to give
good luck to the team utilising it. Prior to a match a ritual is performed to
see if it can be inserted into the wicket, such as by Nick Hebbes in 2003
whilst on Tour to Minehead, Somerset. |
Fennel
Brothers A collective for Steve and Nick Hebbes who were to
introduce the bizarre fennel ritual to The MAD back in 2003. See “Fennel” for
further details. |
FFTMCC
go digital Popular MAD WhatsApp
group used for extreme spamming and pissing Dave Shorten off. |
Fir
Tree The
Fir Tree pub on the Iffley Road, Oxford, has hosted a few of The MAD AGM’s in
previous years. It was a rather cramped affair in the back room, but
nonetheless did a serviceable job. Beer, food, landlord and regulars are all
good. |
First
Aid Kit The
MAD first aid kit is a joke. In fact, it has always been a joke. Only recently
has a nondescript see-through envelope made way for a small handled bag,
containing, erm… a few paracetamols and some torn and bloodstained bandages.
Worse: Ian Howarth is the designated First Aider…. |
Fish
n’ Chips Due
to club’s fixation with touring close to the coast, the staple diet has
always been a fish n’ chips frenzy whilst perched on a harbour wall. Exceptions
to this rule are vegetarians who eat pizza (perched on a harbour wall), and
the trip to f______ T______ in 2014 where there was no fucking harbour wall. |
Flares Club
hipster and fashion guru, Jake Hotson, is often seen showcasing a groovy pair
of white flares for his cricketing histrionics. Yeah, no idea why. |
Folly
Bridge Due to its close proximity to Brasenose and Pembroke
College Sports Ground, the Folly Bridge pub has always been a regular to The
MAD since back in the day. Recently
the pub has been bought out to have its twentieth rebrand in as many years…. |
Fountain
Court Hotel The aforementioned hotel did
the team just fine on their Tour down to Hythe, Hampshire in 2015 and 2016.
Extremely reasonable rates underpinned a friendly bar, decent pool table,
darts board and SKY coverage of England giving the Aussies a good pasting in
the Ashes. What more could you possibly ask for? A bed – for Mr Shorten’s
dog? Done. See “Balti Towers” for
further details. |
Friendly
Cup The FFTMCC were invited to
participate in the Friendly Cup for the first time in 2016. They have
subsequently made two finals whereby losing to the OCCSCC by 49 runs and
Moreton CC by considerably more than that. The cup has been running for
some thirty years. |
Frisbeer The game of “Frisbeer” came about in season 2010 when a group
of MAD cricketers, bored with sitting pitch side and doing fuck all, decided
on trying to knock over some stacked beer cans with a Frisbee (hence its
name). The game (if it can be called that) was underwritten on Tour of the
same year as being part of the “Madolymps”. |
“FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!” Whoops
– some butter fingered incompetent has just dropped a catch…. |
“Fucking
hell….” Popular
cricketing outburst which is never broadcast by the SKY having been picked up
on their stump-microphone. Typical examples include a fuck up in the field,
losing the toss, a demoralising defeat, or accompany a meltdown whilst alone
in the changing rooms…. |
“Fuckin’
ell, Geoff!!!” An
audible exclamation which usually accompanies the latest fielding fiasco by
doddery Geoff Carter. |
“Fuckin’
ell, George!!!” An
audible exclamation which usually accompanies the latest fielding fiasco by doddery
George Carter. |
“Fuck
it.” A
common post match analytical comment which accompanies any inquest or post
mortem into the latest MAD defeat. |
“Fuck
me.” Head
in hands, back in the changing rooms, the grim realisation of what a shit innings
you played for The MAD comes home to roost…. |
“[Oh]
fuck off!” The
typical vocal reaction from a MAD batsman at difference to an adverse LBW
decision awarded against him [read plumb and generally sanctioned by a member
of his own team]. |
“Fuck
Sake!” Evenly
split between batsmen, bowlers and fielders of The MAD, this common vocal
utterance can be heard at regular intervals following moments of non-glory
and ineptitude. |
F______
T______ Telford
is a god accursed shithole from hell that unfortunately became venue to a MAD
Tour in 2014, after Shrewsbury defaulted. Nobody was to blame, but Mr P. A.
S. Mellor was involved…. |
“Fuck
this….” We’ve
all been there – another crushingly, mortifying day of total underachievement
and non-fulfilment on the field of dreams. Right now, you couldn’t give a
shit and can’t even contemplate playing this fucking game again…. |
Fucking
Horrendous We’ve
all had bad matches where things don’t go according to plan. Jon Newman-Robson
saved his worst performance for his Tour debut to Minehead. He bagged a
golden duck opening up, fielded like a cock and then returned bowling figures
of 0.1-0-5-0. |
“[No]
fucking way….” Despite
numerous failings at this most frustrating of sports, you’ve done it again –
gone and fucked it right up. You wouldn’t believe it…. |
“Fuck You You Fucking Fuck!” Sticker The Fuck You You Fucking Fuck sticker was proudly displayed by former MAD skipper Ian Howarth on his bat
in the game against Dorchester in 2005 (a gift from his friend and teammate
Thornton Smith). It was silent sledging of such wit and cleverness that,
after a bad-tempered game which they lost by five wickets, The MAD were
never invited back, and never wanted to go anyway. The sticker ended up in a
mouldy old kit bag and was eventually discovered by Ant Mann’s 9-yr old son
Zac in their attic in Cricket Road, and now resides on the inside cover of
the folder used by Ant to keep all his old cricket crap. |
“Fuck
your fish n’ chips!” Reserved
exclusively for the vegetarian members of any MAD Touring party, this curt
response is a reaction to suggestions that everyone head to the fish and chip
shop by the seafront. |
Fruit
Inspector Ahh, the blessed “Fruit Inspector”. A mysterious
character who came into [fruit]ion in the summer of 2005 – after penning a
short report to accompany the main h’orderve. It kick-started a now familiar
tradition of occasional supplementary critiques to accompany the match report
itself. |
“Gavel
it!” A common saying at the Fines Committee just before
closing a player’s appropriated fines – and therefore saving him / her any
further fiscal misery. A wooden gavel or bat mallet is then sounded on the
(pub) table to signal this. |
George Another George, this time
unrelated to the other George (Carter) who doesn’t really exist. “George”
appeared on Tour in Hampshire in 2015 – guesting in two matches for The MAD,
one whilst under the influence at Hythe & Dibden CC, and the other with a
hangover at Trojans CC the following day. |
German
First Aid Kit A classic first aid kit, as
supplied by Mr Hebbes to satisfy the needs of the club. The kit was only
called upon once – for Jake Hotson’s infamous kettle injury in 2004. Not only
did the kit fail to contain anything useful for said emergency, but no-one
knew what anything was used for, because all the documentation was in, er…
German. Thanks, Nick – a truly great investment. |
Giant
Duck Back in 2012, Giant Duck was plucked from a charity shop
in Truro, Cornwall, by his adopted father Ian Howarth. Aside from becoming
the bona fide team mascot, he spends most of his time staring at other
drivers on the A34 as Ian zips to and from work each week. |
Gilbert Rarely seen schizophrenic
brother of one Geoff C. Carter. He can also play cricket, but turns his hand
to occasional off spin. |
Gimp
Mask A relatively new innovation in cricket, the Club invested
in a Wicketkeeper Face Protector in an attempt to eliminate the chances of
death to Mr J. C. W. Hotson whenever he deputises behind the stumps. Thought
to allow a greater field of vision than a regular cricket helmet, the item
has thus far proved to be successful. |
Glass
Cock A Minehead CC tradition is to have a member of a
visiting touring team consume a whole glass cock of cider (in one). The cock
and attached ball sack contain approximately three whole pints, so it’s a
tough fucking ask. Unless you’re Mike Ashley that is. |
Gold A form of currency. Also, the song du jour in Tour 2016
for serenading the assorted pond life at Balti Towers before they head up to
their (our?) rooms. |
Golden
Duck Securing yourself a golden
duck is a time-honoured tradition for all MAD batsmen. One innings, one ball,
no runs, goodnight Vienna. It’s what we strive for. No fucking about. |
Golf
Ball (Tiger Woods) Rumour has it
that while The MAD touring party were destroying the undergrowth at the pitch
and putt in f______ T______, Tiger Woods was also there trying to regain some
form. This must explain how a golf ball sailed over Jake Hotson’s head as members
of the team walked through the adjacent car park, heading back to the Holiday
Inn. Well, it definitely wasn't thrown by someone who had nicked it from the
aforementioned course earlier. Certainly not. Oh, no no no.... |
Golf
Challenge Cup (v Isis CC) The competition debuted in 2020 during the pandemic,
with cricketing neighbours Isis CC running out the winners at the Waterstock
Gold Course (just off the M40). It is hoped the golfing soiree continues
annually for many years. |
Golfing
Disaster (Rain) Nobody who went on Tour to Mumbles in 2008 will ever
forget the game of golf to occupy a day. Beginning in the drizzle which later
became rain and then a monsoon, one remembers James Hoskins completing the
course in an umpire’s coat in a failed attempt at keeping dry. (
Link to Inspector's Report ) |
Gonzo’s
Bog Seat Ian Leggate’s legendary “bog seat” made its debut with
the Day 1 Skipper during the Tour of Southsea in 2011. Hanging around
his neck much like rap star Flavor Flav did with a large clock in the 90s –
Gonzo strutted his stuff around Hayling Island and even avoided getting his
head kicked in by the local Portsmouth football fans. Amazingly, the seat
managed to make it back to Oxford in one piece; where for the punitive cost
of 50p you can take a shit through it at Gonzo’s house. |
“Good
for you.” During one lunch time on Tour to Norfolk in 2012, Dan
Edwards expressed his desire to stand-in skipper for the day, Mike Reeves, to
open the batting. “Good for you” replied Mike. Dan assumed this meant he was
a shoe-in at number one. Fast forward to the start of the game and a fully
padded up Dan was duly informed he would be batting at number eight.
Subsequently, Dan left the club and Mike has never skippered again. The term is now employed to shatter hopes, thwart
ambition and generally not give a fuck about another’s request or opinion. |
Grassy Knoll Situated opposite the
clubhouse at Hythe & Dibden CC is a grassy knoll. It is a perfect vantage
point to slump and fall asleep after an entire day on the piss and the
connoisseur’s choice for George n’ Lennie. |
Gray Nicholls Kit Bag Home to the club’s stinking and decrepit kit for a period
of time that nobody can quite remember, this particular lot was
flogged at the 2011 AGM’s Kit Auction to Club Chairman, Matt Bullock for
£22.00. It is presumed he was quite pissed at the time – or certainly was
when he woke up in the morning to find it in his house. |
Great
Yarmouth Views expressed by MAD players whilst on Tour in 2012
would suggest there is little “great” about Great Yarmouth. It reminded us
all of Didcot-on-Sea – a fictional and distinctly believable shit-hole by the
sea somewhere in our imagination. God help us all…. |
Green
Helmet For many years the players of the Far from the MCC
bemoaned the absence of a team helmet, particularly when playing cricket on shit
tracks such as Cowley Marshes. It was not that they didn’t possess a helmet,
it’s just that nobody quite knew where it had gone. They remembered it
as being green and they remembered Antony Mann had last used it – something
he strenuously denied. Fast forward to the dying embers of 2008 and whilst
clearing his house for a move back down under, Ant would rediscover said item
nestling amongst other assorted crap in his attic. So he did have it, and he
had it all the time – the lying bastard. It was eventually sold at an
AGM auction (see below) and now belongs to Mr Smith (subsequently lost). |
Green ink Following Mr R. P. Turner’s
selfless act of producing a batch of laminated 2014 Fixture Cards for the
club, he received little in the way of praise, but plenty in the way of
criticism for going to press after the first six games. During that spell, The MAD
failed to win a match, thus the result section was all coloured in red
[lost]. His teammates subsequently bitched on and on
whilst fining Russ for having no green [won] ink
at his printing press. |
“Guns
in the Bag” Who
can forget Andrew Darley’s quip whilst on Tour to Suffolk in 2018? It was a
reference to the remaining MAD batting order containing several decent
hitters of the ball who could fire the team to victory. |
Haircut Most
people get their hair cut at a barbers or hairdressers, but in James Hoskins,
The MAD have their own match day, maverick stylist of the barnet (often
frequented by Jake Hotson – see below). |
Hairy
Dog Minehead’s
premier sports bar and de facto rendezvous point for anyone looking for a
good fist fight in the evening. The Hairy Dog has it all – cheap booze, cheap
burgers, cheap women and a nice run on locals who will rearrange your front
teeth. It catered for The MAD in 2017. |
Half
Moon One of the smaller pubs in Oxford City Centre, the Half
Moon is and was the de facto pub of choice for Ian Leggate if he needed to
drink beyond 11pm (lock in). |
Hangover A common ailment which hampers nearly every Far from the
MCC performance. |
Harry Step grandson to Ian Howarth,
little Harry attends the odd MAD game now and again and is blamed every time
for Howarth’s subsequent shambles on the field. |
Harrys
Cider A local tipple to be quaffed on the West Somerset
Railway. It can be sourced in the buffet wagon and gets you adroitly to that
happy place in life called “Pissed”. |
Hat
Lore Hat Lore originated a good few seasons ago when people
started Bowling With a Hat or Bowling Without a Hat. There was
also a team who made their worst player of the previous week wear a
(pink) hat on that day (which the MAD would parody on Tour in 2007). Hats have always been an integral topic of MAD
conversation ever since – that’s just how fucking interesting a bunch we
are…. |
Hat
Thief The “Hat Thief” is still shrouded in mystery. It dates
back to 2004 when several players reported having their hats stolen (and
pretty much throughout the season of 2005). The culprit remains anonymous to
this day, although suspicions as to whom he or she was (or is) are still rife…. |
Hawaii After complaining about his
knees and a chronic lack of cricket in 2018, Mike Reeves booked a three-week
holiday to Hawaii during the hottest June on record. Below is Mike on the left, a
drunk and some dude with a Hawaiian short on the right. |
Hawaiian
Shirt On the epochal Tour of Southsea in 2011, Ian ‘Gonzo’
Leggate became synonymous as much for his ruinous and button lacking Hawaiian
shirts as he did for his ‘bog seat’ medallion. |
HDF An
acronym for ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’. The first day proper of MAD Tours to
Hampshire where the team get to spend an entire day on the piss before
contesting a 25 over match in the evening against the local cricket team.
It’s a total assault of the senses and several MAD troops have been gone MIA
(missing in action). |
Height The
Far from the MCC are obsessed with height. Among their playing staff – who is
the tallest? Who is the shortest? Does it really fucking matter? Apparently
so…. On
Tour in Norfolk in 2012, the Tourists arranged a team photo in [Saxlingham]
Nethergate to rule on the issue. Strangely some guy labelled “Tall Bob” was
tallest and some short cunt on the end was…. |
Help
the Wounded Without
any proper net sessions, and little in the way of training or practice ahead
of the 2020 cricket season, a pandemic riddled calendar was blighted by
injuries. |
“Help
yourself.” A
term mumbled among cynical team mates to the opposition batsmen whenever Mr
R. P. Turner is brought onto bowl. |
Hendrick’s
Gin A
Scottish gin produced by William Grant & Sons that became the shot of
choice for Touring team Hendrick’s XI. The FFTMCC hosted the affable Warwick
University graduates in 2016 and 2017. |
Henman
(Tim) Successful
British tennis player who never won Wimbledon. Tim Henman lives adjacent to
the South Oxford, Astons CC ground – regular opponent of the Far from the
MCC. |
Hernia In 2011, Ian Howarth suffered a much lauded inguinal
hernia which was credited for his resurgence in batting form. It was agreed
that the ‘Hernia’ had scored the gamut of runs (including his ton on Tour)
and that Ian was simply shit. There were no dissenters to this conclusion. |
Hernia
Kit Ian Howarth’s hernia problems in 2011 caused ripples of
amusement for his team mates throughout that season. Despite Ian’s obvious discomfort
and concerns regarding his own welfare, his dad saw a solution to the problem
by spending some of his retirement putting together this excellent DIY kit
for Christmas. Who says parents don’t love their sons? |
Hogging
the Game Occasionally a player in The MAD ranks has one of those
days where he is involved in everything. Runs, wickets, catches… you name it,
he / she is involved in it, and are levied at the Fines Committee for
‘hogging the game’. In 2007, a trophy would be introduced at the AGM to
celebrate a player scooping all 3 x MAD match awards: MOTM, Champagne and
Buffet. Mr. Reeves was the inaugural winner of the trophy, but in recent
years the trophy has disappeared…. |
Hoick A common saying to describe an agricultural heave across
the stumps. See “ |
Holiday
Inn Bombed out of their lodgings
whilst on Tour to f______ T______ in 2014, The MAD where forced into
desperate measures… staying en masse at a Holiday Inn. |
Holland Back in 2005, the Far from
the MCC hosted a match in Cholsey against Dutch tourists – Rood en Wit XI. |
Honey Nope, that a term of endearment passed to one’s missus,
but a seemingly never-ending story concerning Dave Shorten’s fixation with
the stuff (honey), and his loss (a tub) thereof on Tour in The Mumbles in
2008. Mummy Shorten apparently owns some bees and makes it. And jolly nice it
is too. |
Hoodies Club ‘hoodies’ came into being before the start of the
2011 season. Popular and fashionable with the team, these items come in any
colour as long as you like ‘blue’. |
Hythe (and Dibden) Located in Hampshire, close
to the shore of Southampton Water, the local cricket team hosted the FFTMCC
in the summers of 2015 and 2016 in 25 over matches. |
Ice Cream Van On Tour in 2004, a ridiculous
idea was conceived to buy an ice cream van and use it for team
transportation. The thinking was it could double as both a mobile scoreboard
(after painting one side black) and provide excellent storage space for
cooling the copious amounts of alcohol the team would consume. Naturally,
this plan never came to fruition, but copious amounts of Natch cider were
drunk whilst devising the plan. |
Insect
Bite Poor Matt Bullock suffered a
horrendous insect bite whilst on Tour to Minehead in 2017. Thought to be of
tsetse fly origins, the bite soon blistered to epic proportions before
amputation became his only viable option. |
Insipid One
of the worst innings in MAD history was orchestrated by Geoff Carter at Cholsey
in 2017. His accumulation of 3 off 47 balls somehow provided the rock for
victory in a Friendly Cup match, although we struggle to recall him actually
hitting anything. |
Inspector
Gadget A name which was attributed to OU Office player Chris
Heron. Back in season 2005, he miraculously caught MAD batsman Martin
Westmoreland following a gravity defying leap, somehow plucking the ball
one-handed from the heavens, before crashing back to Mother Earth. |
“It’s
all about you.” Another classic phrase stolen from gardener Dan Edwards
and embraced by the team ever since. It evolved out of Dan’s regular
pep-talks to fellow batsmen awaiting a bat. Now everything is all about
everyone and it’s all about us. |