“Dietary Factors Blamed for Unexpected MAD Loss”
Match: 03
/ 073
Lost
by 5 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCCC |
150 |
|
N. Hebbes 38, M. Westmoreland 35 |
|
|
|
|
|
R. T. Harris |
152 - 5 |
|
A. Mann 2 - 17, B. Mander
2 - 32 |
|
|
Respected
dieticians and health authorities were today demanding a return to a more
traditional teatime repast, after a rogue tea was blamed for the lacklustre
display in the field which led to yet another unexpected Mad loss.
“Experimentation is all very well, but no sandwiches??” said passing
nutritionist Ronald McDonald. “It kinda makes you want to say, just get
forked.” Others were not so diplomatic. “Where are the sodding fucking
sandwiches?” cried several passersbys as they saw
the teas being laid out on a sodding tartan plastic sheet between innings.
“And no hot beverages? Call that a fucking tea?” “Those chocolate bars and
crisps won’t give you much energy, you stupid twats!” called out some of the
younger children riding past on their freaking bikes. “Try eating healthy
foods, a balanced diet will also help you fatter guys over there lose some
weight! How can you even play cricket with a gut like that???”
Cutteslowe was
bathed in more 2003 sunshine for the match. A fair question, and one that deserves an
answer. And yet, The MAD batting display was nothing if not creditable.
Despite losing I. Howarth (0) earlier than he might have liked due to
unaccountable sobriety on the stand-in captain’s part, and T. Smith (9) due
to an unfortunate calling mix-up which saw N. Hebbes unfortunately call,
doughty top-scorer Hebbes (38) (for it was he) and a rejuvenated M.
Westmoreland (35) took the score on to 81 and never looked like getting out
until Westmoreland was dismissed (note to editorial staff – check, have I used this gag before?) – to
a freak rebound off the R. T. Harris ‘keeper which saw both stumps and
partnership broken. A. Mann (10), B. Mander (14), N. Howarth (14) and M.
Bullock (7) all contributed in what might well have been quick succession,
although J. Hotson (0) did not. Ultimately, D. Jones (0 n.o.)
was left stranded as S. Hebbes (1) sprinted past him on the final ball only
to see himself run-out sacrificing his wicket but not his self-respect for
the greater good.
Martin (35) should have got a hundred on this day, but he didn’t. Defending
a chunky 150, The MAD were set for certain victory, their attack primed to
smash through the R. T. Harris (that’s right, the
local electricians) resistance with majestic ease, and there was little doubt
in the outcome had not the lack of complex carbohydrates found in sandwich
bread taken its toll. It didn’t help either that the visitors had helped
themselves to most of the bananas, thus scoffing down the only healthy
alternative on offer. The short-term energy boost found in chocolate cakes
and orange cordial got opening bowlers D. Jones (0-46) and A match, then, not so much the one that got away,
as the one that slid imperceptibly out of sight, even as, watching from afar,
Madsters craning towards the dusky horizon murmured, there it is, there it
is, no wait, oh, it’s gone…
Nick (38) should have got a hundred on this day, but he didn’t either. And yet, in defeat, The MAD were able to
distinguish themselves a little. With the game as good as over, J. Hotson had
the nous to experiment with radical new fielding techniques, throwing the
ball up in the air to himself instead of returning it to M. Bullock behind
the stumps. And at the last, A. Mann at mid-off, attempted a catch without
the use of his hands at all, instead employing his custom-crafted stomach to
cushion the ball into his flesh, where it sat tantalisingly for a moment
before falling to the ground.* There it is, there it is, no wait, oh, it’s
gone. Sandwich, anyone? * –
If a way can be found to combine these two techniques, somehow using the
stomach to hurl the ball straight up into the sky and self-field, then in the
return match next year, The MAD might reasonably expect to reverse the
outcome. ‘Blocker’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from The Madding Crowd CC versus R. T. Harris Played at Cutteslowe Park, 27 July
2003 Far from The Madding Crowd CC won the toss and elected to bat R. T. Harris won by 5 wkts Far from the MCC debuts:
Neil Howarth (081) |
03 / 073 35 over match |
|
Team |
Far from The MADding
Crowd CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
I. Howarth * |
b Tappin |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
1-0 |
|
2 |
N. J. Hebbes |
c and b Farooq |
38 |
(78) |
4 |
- |
6-122 |
|
3 |
T. P. W. Smith |
run out |
9 |
(17) |
1 |
- |
2-15 |
|
4 |
M. T. Westmoreland |
st Rana b Allsworth |
35 |
(46) |
5 |
- |
3-81 |
|
5 |
A. G. Mann |
b Farooq |
10 |
(26) |
1 |
- |
4-97 |
|
6 |
B. J. Mander |
c and b Bradley |
14 |
(21) |
3 |
- |
5-121 |
|
7 |
J. C. W. Hotson |
b Farooq |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
7-123 |
|
8 |
N. Howarth |
b Tappin |
14 |
(8) |
2 |
- |
8-141 |
|
9 |
M. Bullock + |
st Rana b Bradley |
7 |
(7) |
1 |
- |
9-149 |
|
10 |
D. L. Jones |
not out |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
- |
|
11 |
S. Hebbes |
run out |
1 |
(1) |
- |
- |
10-150 |
|
|
Extras |
(W16, B2, LB4) |
22 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 35 overs) |
150 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Tappin |
6 |
3 |
8 |
2 |
|
|
2 |
A. S. Dogar |
5 |
0 |
26 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
A. K. Dogar |
4 |
0 |
24 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
Allsworth |
6 |
0 |
31 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
Faradoon |
6 |
2 |
13 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Farooq |
5 |
0 |
17 |
3 |
|
|
7 |
Bradley |
3 |
0 |
26 |
2 |
|
|
Team |
R. T. Harris |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
Reading |
lbw b S. Hebbes |
17 |
|
|
|
2-45 |
|
2 |
Nadeem |
c and b Mann |
17 |
|
|
|
1-41 |
|
3 |
S. Rana |
c N. Hebbes b Mann |
18 |
|
|
|
3-76 |
|
4 |
R. Rana |
st Bullock b Mander |
49 |
|
|
|
5-134 |
|
5 |
P. Bradley |
c Westmoreland b Mander |
0 |
|
|
|
4-77 |
|
6 |
J. Farooq |
not out |
31 |
|
|
|
- |
|
7 |
Tappin |
not out |
0 |
|
|
|
- |
|
8 |
A.S. Dogar |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
A.K. Dogar |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
A. Faradoon |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
R. Allsworth * |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB5, W12, B1, LB2) |
20 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 5 wickets, 27 overs) |
152 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Jones |
7 |
0 |
46 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
N. Howarth |
4 |
0 |
13 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Mann |
7 |
1 |
17 |
2 |
|
|
4 |
S. Hebbes |
4 |
0 |
28 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
B. Mander |
4 |
0 |
32 |
2 |
|
|
6 |
I. Howarth |
1 |
0 |
13 |
0 |
|
|
MOTM: n/a Champagne Moment: n/a Buffet
Award: I. Howarth’s fish-finger
sandwiches with chilli sauce |
Opposition:
V029 / 01 Ground: G001 / 18 Captain: C007 / 01 |