“The Stogumber Number

(Too Many Umpires)”

Match: 04 / 095

Lost by 5 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCCC	154 - 3
I. Howarth 55*, T. Smith 27*
Stogumber CC	158 - 5
T. Mander 2 - 10, E. Lester 2 - 10

During the now customary Team MAD pre-match warm-up with golf clubs, ESP's prediction and accomplishment of his hole-in-one, on the fifteenth hole, must have signified that something was going to happen on the cricket field this evening. Either that, or he was trying to make certain of avoiding any fines for Nickname Avoidance.

In disparate formation, the team made their fifteen mile journey from Camp Dunkery to the authentically rustic ground next to Stogumber Station, renowned worldwide for the steamroller, tractor and other historical farm machinery which adorn its boundaries and which have commonly had fielding positions named after them. Not to mention the tree standing a yard inside the tractor-side boundary, which isn’t a lime, nor the fact that the ground is halfway up a hillside.

‘Tractor Corner’ at Stogumber.

Although not fully recovered from a kettle injury, Judge Dread had passed a fitness test and been declared fit to play, with the team nurse adding some cautionary advice: “You're fucking stupid if you play.” (No change there then.) So it was that Ermintrude and Twinkle were designated scorers and scoreboard operators for the match.

As captain for the day, Mander Dock won the toss and elected to bat, sending out Fishing Aid and recent signing Terrible Liar to break the ice and lay into the attack. On his Mad debut with the bat, Liar soon showed his worth by stroking the first ball of the day to the steamroller boundary (approximately third man or deep second slip, the attack having been opened from the 30ft ditch end), and continuing to score twelve from the over.

The second over produced fewer runs, but revealed what can only be known as the ‘shit ball’, in which the bowler calls, "Shit!" during their run-up. Aid looked at the first of these, and, when it came, promptly dispatched the second through the trees for four. It then seemed that the shit ball, at least, had been hit out of the attack.

However, the straight ball had not been hit out of the attack, and it soon claimed its first victim; Fishing Aid (9 off 15 balls, 13 mins, 2x4), short on nets but looking to push the score on, was clean bowled (26 for 1). Baltic Ice-Breaker was sent out next from Mander Dock and got immediately off the mark with a boundary. But then, like an ice-berg, disaster struck. The resprayed Titanick played the ball through the slips; Liar called for a single, but Ice-Breaker appeared to have dropped anchor. “No!” came the sharp response. Having already traversed two-thirds the length of the pitch, Liar (23 off 19 balls, 23 mins, 4x4) was stranded. “It was my call, old chap,” he correctly reminded the embarrassed ship (43 for 2, 6 overs).

Titanick – a master of the quick single, and a brilliant fielder to boot….

Similar words might have also been uttered to the incoming and in-form batsman, Accrington Spamley, striding purposefully out as usual. For in the next over, with comic form exceeding most of his email offerings, he played the ball behind square and called for a seemingly impossible quick run. The boat, correctly backing up, continued sailing towards the wicket keepers end, unable to alter his course and presumably catching a glimpse of the bails actually being taken off by the ‘keeper.

“He’s got the evidence!” came the jubilant cry from the fielder who had made the throw, as the third umpire, held aloft at square-tractor, was called into action. “I don't think I have,” said Third Umpire dejectedly. He was also the second umpire, but hadn't himself been watching the action closely enough to be sure there wasn't any doubt with which the sinking Titanick (5 off 5 balls, 13 mins, 1x4) could be saved. “I’m not sure I can give that.” The third umpire itself had not caught a glimpse of anything. “He was a yard out, old chap!” one of the fielders pointed out, obviously concerned that a poor decision might be about to be made. In a break from tradition, the umpire conferred with the batsman, and a decision was reached. “OK, I'll give that.” (53 for 3).

M. Clarke muses over some more lies as he surveys the pitch.

Third Umpire soon retired, but not before another umpiring embarrassment had occurred. The first umpire had called, “Over!”

“One Short!” bellowed Ermintrude and Twinkle from the touchline.

“Did you get the no-ball?” enquired Third Umpire.

“It's too late; he’s called ‘Over!’” mid-off pointed out.

“I'm Sorry. One to come!” corrected First Umpire.

“I shall not be at all happy if this goes for six, old chaps!” exclaimed the Stogumber skipper, clearly somewhat unhappy already at this breach of the rules. Sportingly, former major-league baseball star, Smith Taunton, having joined Spamley in the middle, played the bonus ball for a quick single, rather than attempting to moo it over tractor corner.

From the pavilion end, the Stogumber bowlers continued to identify themselves. Replacing Shi* Bowler was Clown Impersonator. With a return to baseball form, Taunton struck Impersonator's third offering directly at his stomach, where, as he turned in attempted evasion, it struck his forearm.

“I didn't know what to do,” he defended himself.

“Try catching it?” was probably thought by everyone but was said by no-one.

Sledging, or gamesmanship, as it's traditionally known, is as much a part of the game as batting, bowling, fielding or indeed wicket keeping. Typically, the fielders sledge the batters, often led by the ‘keeper who also attempts to engage in conversation with the on-strike bat. At a home game, it is not uncommon for some supporters in the crowd to indulge in a little sledging of an opposing boundary fielder. There appears to be nothing in the laws of the game, written or otherwise, to prevent this aspect of gamesmanship being extended to allow the scorers, as spectators, to sledge a boundary fielder.

The fielder in question, Easy Tiger-Impersonator, appeared to be lacking any traditional sense of humour. As he came on to bowl his looping off-breaks from the ditch end, the Stogumber ‘keeper warned Taunton: “If he drops it short, get out of the way.” After a few balls, the anticipated bouncer appeared, and fizzed past Taunton's nose as he ducked away. The next ball was a little fuller, striking him on the calf as he turned to avoid it, but too wide of leg stump to be worth an appeal from the bowler (certainly at this level). But, in Tiger-Impersonator's next over, revenge was sweet, as Taunton sent the ball flying into the trees over tractor corner, accompanied by gasps of astonishment from the on looking Stogumber supporters as the tractor (marking the longest six) had apparently been cleared. (Taunton has since been reported to the RSPB for the wilful destruction of birds' nests.) The next ball was inevitably another bouncer, shooting past Taunton's right eyeball and perhaps making him think again about the decision to leave the helmet at home (in Oxford).

The Stogumber pavilion – always a hub of activity.

Meanwhile at the other end, Spamley (55* off 33 balls, 35 mins, 3x6, 7x4) was relatively quietly but definitively accumulating yet another quick-fire fifty. His fours became sixes: one narrowly missing Third Umpire’s car (which was immediately moved to a more challenging location); and the finale taking his score to a maximum possible 55, whereupon he should retire to make way for Minehead Yips.

But Stogumber had a secret weapon. Spoilt Brat was brought on to bowl at the death, and, with name by nature, wasn't giving away any runs he could keep from the batsmen. Nevertheless, Taunton (27* off 35 balls, 52 mins, 1x6, 1x4) and Yips (9* off 15 balls, 20 mins), picking up singles from the balls they connected with, pushed the score on to a very respectable 154 for three from twenty overs, leaving some pundits wondering what sort of the score they could have amassed had the game allotted them more overs to play with.

Wayne Goldenboy (2-0-5-0), opening the bowling for The MAD from the ditch end and miserly as usual, soon revealed a chink in Spoilt Brat's sledging armoury (as well as, perhaps, the source of his confidence), when, umpiring at square leg, Brat gave encouragement to the batsman at the crease who had so far been completely unable to get the ball away: “Come on, Dad!” (Which was probably a more familiar form of his usual catcall: “’It It!”)

From the other end, Judge Dread (2-0-24-0) succeeded in a career-best six-ball over, but offered far too many sausage rolls to be dutifully dispatched to the steamroller boundary by Brat Senior. In a moment of released suppressed anger, the attempted bouncer became the unusual no-ball, pitching a yard in front of the bowler and rolling gently towards first slip. “What do I call that?” mused Fourth Umpire. “I think it's a no-ball,” conjectured Dread. Meanwhile, Senior stepped towards the ball and putted it to the tree boundary. “He’s allowed to do that,” First Umpire (5 byes) reminded us all from behind the stumps. Most of the byes he conceded were the result of Fourth Umpire's generosity in the wide-calling department, with which he could probably claim an assist for Dread’s record-breaking over. Spamley (2-0-11-1) took over from the ditch end, and in his second over claimed the first blood, Brat Senior (23), with the classic wicket-taking delivery (at this level): the straight ball on a length.

Lights on as the sun goes down.

But this only brought to the fore the one and only F. Ringer. Gamblers Anonymous (2-0-26-0) was the first victim, conceding two sixes in his second over. Baltic Ice-Breaker (2-0-22-0) had no chance of repeating his two-for-two-off-two performance of the previous year, but nonetheless managed as many twos in his bowling analysis. Cars parked at owners risk took a pounding; Ringer was selective about which, ignoring the Skoda but putting a significant dent in the expensive sports convertible. When the ball didn’t carry over the boundary, it fell agonizingly between fielders. The only respites for The MAD were the few occasions on which Average Protector faced the bowling. The closest chance was what could have been a captain’s catch for Mander Dock, the sliding tackle volleying the ball into his waiting hands. But, lacking the youthfulness of his early twenties, the volley became an unlucky half-volley (although he did trap the ball rather stylishly under his right foot).

When Ringer (55* off 18 balls, 5x6, 6x4) inevitably and quite quickly reached retirement score, again a maximum possible, the run rate required was down below five (111 for 1, 11th over). Smith Taunton (2-0-20-0), bowling from the pavilion end, now had the opportunity to resume one of his earlier battles and duly fired the ball at new-bat Clown Impersonator's upper body. Impersonator's attempt at whatever it was he was trying to do simply meant (again) that the ball struck him in a manner and location only slightly different to how and where it would have otherwise. “He's a clown isn’t he?” commented one of the Stogumber supporters or players on the boundary. “Yeah,” chuckled another. “I don't know why you’re laughing – he's your son!”

Recovering well from his loosener being struck for six by Impersonator, Terrible Liar (2-0-11-0) showed he could be useful with the ball as well as the bat, and there was just an air that not all was said and done. Minehead Yips' first delivery was lofted towards the steamroller boundary by Average Protector (26), perhaps himself wondering why he shouldn't miss out on the fun. But steaming in with renewed self-belief that he was still in his early twenties, Fishing Aid took, quite possibly, the catch of the match. Yips' second, near-identical ball was spooned by Impersonator (10) straight into Gamblers Anonymous' hands. Could there be two MAD hat-tricks in two days? And who should be strolling out to bat but Yips’ former team-mate at the Beehive Bulldogs, Fourth Umpire. Yips went over to greet the incoming bat. “Hi Jamie, I've never had a hat-trick before, so if you could just dolly me a catch, that’d be great!” “I’ll see what I can do for you.” Umpire hit the ball firmly back towards Yips (2-0-10-2), but was just a little too late on the shot for it to carry.

What a view!

Making up for missing the earlier catch, Mander Dock (1-0-10-2) brought himself on to bowl a captain's over. Quickly taking out Umpire++ (10), with Goldenboy holding the catch at mid-off, he then found Spoilt Brat was trying to charge him. A quick signal to First Umpire ('keeping), and he chucked down his speciality super-wide. Brat (14) avoided the stumping by hitting the would-be wide for four (somehow getting to it), but succumbed two balls later, also holing out to Goldenboy at mid-off.

But now only one run was needed for Stogumber's victory, and even Fishing Aid (0.3-0-4-0) couldn't achieve the required five-wicket haul without conceding it. Time for the long-awaited adjournment to the bar.

The answer is fifteen. (Or two.) Now what's the question?

++ - Possibly Brat was his first victim, but I think Brat hit the wide.

*

Noms de plumes

The MAD

W. Goldenboy – A. Mann

M. Dock – T. Mander

A. Spamley – I. Howarth

J. Dread (aka T. Umpire) – J. Hotson

F. Umpire – M. Bullock

T. Liar – Mike

B. Ice-Breaker (aka Titanick) – N. Hebbes

S. Taunton – T. Smith

M. Yips – E. Lester

G. Anonymous (aka ESP) – J. Hoskins

F. Aid – A. Fisher

Ermitrude – M. Westmooland

Twinkle – S. Dobner

The Stog

S. Bowler – P. Brian

S. Brat – M. Briant

B. Senior – D. Briant

F. Umpire – J. Robertson

F. Ringer – B. Penny

C. Impersonator – J. Bennett

A. Protector – C. Weetch

E. Tiger-Impersonator – ?.?

Fifty-Fives*

I. Howarth: 33 balls, 35 minutes, 7 fours, 3 sixes

B. Penny: 18 balls, 15 minutes, 6 fours, 5 sixes

‘Jake the Cake’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from The Madding Crowd CC versus Stogumber CC Played at Stogumber, 2 August 2004 Far from The Madding Crowd CC won the toss and elected to bat Stogumber CC won by 5 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

04 / 095 20 over match

Team	Far from The Madding Crowd CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. D. Clarke	run out	23	(19)	4	-	3-53
2	A. J. Fisher	b D. Briant	9	(15)	2	-	1-26
3	N. J. Hebbes	run out	5	(5)	1	-	2-43
4	I. Howarth	retired	55	(33)	7	3	-
5	T. P. W. Smith	not out	27	(35)	1	1	-
6	E. N. Lester	not out	9	(15)	-	-	-
7	A. G. Mann
8	M. Bullock +
9	J. D. Hoskins
10	A. M. Mander *
11	J. C. W. Hotson
	Extras	(NB2, W11, B6, LB6)	25
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 20 overs)	153

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Hex	2	0	15	0
2	D. Briant	2	0	9	1
3	Weetch	2	0	13	0
4	Hawkins	2	0	11	0
5	Hope	2	0	17	0
6	Bennett	2	0	20	0
7	Barnes	2	0	14	0
8	Robinson	2	0	16	0
9	Penny	2	0	12	0
10	Little	2	0	4	0
Note: I. Howarth retired after 15.3 overs with the score on 128-3

Team	Stogumber CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Briant	b Howarth	23		3	1
2	C. Weetch	c Fisher b Lester	26		3	-
3	B. Penny	retired	55		6	5
4	J. Bennett	c Hoskins b Lester	10		-	1
5	M. Briant +	c Mann b Mander	14		3	-
6	J. Robinson	c Mann b Mander	10		2	-
7	S. Hawkins	not out	4		1	-
8	D. Barnes	not out	0		-	-
9	B. Hope
10	L. Hex
11	K. Little
	Extras	(NB1, W7, B5, LB3)	16
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 17.3 overs)	158

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Mann	2	0	4	0
2	Hotson	2	0	24	0
3	Howarth	2	0	11	1
4	Hoskins	2	0	26	0
5	Hebbes	2	0	22	0
6	Smith	2	0	20	0
7	Clarke	2	0	11	0
8	Lester	2	0	10	2
9	Mander	1	0	10	2
10	Fisher	0.3	0	4	0

MOTM: n/a Champagne Moment: n/a Buffet Award: J. D. Hoskins’ marmalade wholemeal sandwiches

Opposition: V031 / 02 Ground: G022 / 02 Captain: C009 / 02