“Victory is Fat for Jubilant MAD

As Wootton Stumble”

Match: 04 / 099

Won by 3 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCCC	150
I. Howarth 95
Wootton & Bladon CC	147
A. Fisher 3 - 26

An ecstatic Far from the MCC were last night celebrating a close and hard-fought first win of the year over tough rivals Wootton & Bladon at the village team’s home ground, yet some among The MAD thought the welcome victory was anything but slim. Said Mad skipper J. Hoskins after the game, “The margin may have been a mere three runs, but as far as I’m concerned today’s victory is the fattest of the year. This win is a tub of lard, nothing more, nothing less.” Indeed many were struck by the game’s overall fatness, swaying as it did from one side to the other, evincing many a wobble, and at last ending in a glut of excitement. Ultimately, the game was so fat that, looking down from a lofty height, it could not see its own tiny member swinging freely below its bulging gut.

A very idiosyncratic ground.

Winning the toss, The MAD elected to bat on an idiosyncratic Wootton pitch which it appeared had been left to the elements for some decades before being dug up with a plough, stamped down by farmhands in football boots and finally rolled with an empty can of Diet Coke. Wootton might have begun the game three men short, but their always strong batting line-up was thought to hold all the danger until Jarvis found himself early among the wickets and The MAD were tottering at 15-3 in the third over. S. Dobner and J. Hotson, looking less like a 1920s bassoon player every week, both went for ducks, although M. Westmoreland did amass a useful 2. A. Fisher (13) then began to studiously compile as though his life depended on it, and while not fully mastering the inconsistencies of the pitch, the doughty Fisher at least mitigated their perils with diligence and application. At the other end, opener I. Howarth on twelve minutes sleep and a seventeen hour drive from Redruth was whacking leather for fun.

Howarth had reached 63 by the time Fisher departed with the total on 90, and was on 65 when he comprehensively ran out A. Morley, who scored a useful three before gratefully returning to the scorer’s desk where his supply of heavy duty Dutch solvents awaited. Howarth had scored 69 when S. Hebbes succumbed for a third team duck some little while later, and was on 70 when J. Hoskins likewise left the arena, having failed to register, with The MAD suddenly in trouble on 105-7. On 95, with the total on 134, Howarth mistimed a full toss from tousle-haired seven-year-old J. Stoney straight down the throat of mid off, thus registering the third highest Mad score of all time and not a century either. Good knock, though, despite being dropped four times. M. Bullock went soon after for a useful 6, followed last of all by A. Mann for his customary 4, leaving D. Jones on an unexpected but useful 4* stranded at the other end. Apart from Howarth, whose 95 included a record four sixes in a Mad innings, extras contributed a creditable 23, and A. Fisher’s 13 was crucial. That was about it, however, leaving onlookers to surmise that The MAD couldn’t bat for peanuts, at least, not since returning from Minehead, signifying the longest tour hangover in history, a general lack of application, or perhaps some species of all-pervasive spiritual malaise exacerbated by food additives, mobile phone mast emissions and prolonged over-exposure to the mass media.

S. Dobner hurls the ball in for The MAD.

With only seven partnerships to play with, Wootton began circumspectly, as A. Mann and D. Jones (7-1-36-0) held to a tight line in the opening overs. But anything slightly off line was being punished by the Wootton pair, and it took a bowling change to bring the breakthrough, as J. Hoskins (6-1-27-1) had A. Hambridge caught at mid on by J. Hotson with the score on 40. In T. Ingram, however, Wootton had a batsman of obvious class, seemingly untroubled as he cruised towards his half century, threatening to take the game away from The MAD. Support for Ingram came from the occasionally droll but ever genial S. Poole, who had established himself with a series of crass hoiks before A. Fisher (7-1-26-3) beat his wafted blade and left him ripe for the stumping by M. Bullock standing up. Two balls later, Fisher deceived his second victim bowled for nought, but at 88-3 with Ingram still at the wicket, Wootton remained favourites. It took something special to turn it The MAD’s way. S. Hebbes (3-0-14-1) at the glasshouse end laid one up nicely for Ingram to flay through covers, but M. Westmoreland in the deep, who had already dropped a couple of nasties, flung himself a half dozen yards or more to his left and, with his nose deep in cow turd, stuck out a many-fingered hand and snatched the ball from the air two clover widths from the ground. Some there were said never had they seen a catch like it, others demurred saying, what about that catch from that other game by that other guy, others said, no way. Whatever the case, Ingram trudged off for 56, and The MAD were in it. Then, an over later, not to be outdone, I. Howarth at long on flung himself, cow turd, clover leaf, tiny hands, finger tip, hair’s breadth, still not a century, spam spam spam, someone smash his computer, long drive from Redruth, Cornish pasties all round, etc etc, and the home side were crumbling.

But Wootton skipper B. Dale was joined at the wicket by apple-cheeked five-year-old J. Stoney, and together the pair edged and nurdled their way towards the target. With 25 to get, S. Dobner (4-0-14-0), who had vowed that morning never again to bowl for The MAD on pain of instant death, came on and at once hit the spot, and as A. Mann resumed from the hayrick end with the generous and accommodating S. Poole at umpire, it was getting tense. The four-year-old Stoney held on well, but a mix-up saw him run out with 15 required, and when A. Mann scored a direct hit from short fine leg to send Jarvis packing, 7 were needed from the last two overs with a single wicket standing.

A. Mann bowls the team home with Poole (umpiring) standing firm.

Mann (6.3-1-26-1) began his last with a dot, but then Dale (23) hit a loose one to the square boundary. Three needed. Third ball, a close shout for lbw. Not out. Fourth, the home captain swung again, missing a straight one swinging in, and the stumps were broken. In the gathering Wootton gloom, The MAD had won by three.

Three runs. It was thin, but it felt fat. Jesus, it was obese.

‘Blocker’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from The Madding Crowd CC versus Wootton & Bladon CC Played at Wootton, 8 August 2004 Far from The Madding Crowd CC won the toss and elected to bat Far from The Madding Crowd CC won by 3 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

04 / 099 35 over match

Team	Far from The Madding Crowd CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth	c Davies b Stone	95	(91)	12	4	8-134
2	S. L. P. Dobner	c Hindle b Charvis	0	(2)	-	-	1-7
3	J. C. W. Hotson	lbw b Charvis	0	(2)	-	-	2-8
4	M. T. Westmoreland	c Hindle b Charvis	2	(5)	-	-	3-18
5	A. J. Fisher	c Hindle b Hambridge	13	(51)	-	-	4-90
6	A. Morley	run out	3	(6)	-	-	5-97
7	S. Hebbes	b Ingram	0	(9)	-	-	6-103
8	J. D. Hoskins *	b Stone	0	(9)	-	-	7-105
9	A. G. Mann	b Hastie	4	(21)	-	-	9-146
10	M. Bullock +	b Stone	6	(6)	1	-	10-150
11	D. L. Jones	not out	4	(1)	1	-	-
	Extras	(NB3, W14, LB2, B4)	23
	TOTAL	(all out, 33.2 overs)	150

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Davies	7	0	32	0
2	Charvis	7	1	15	3
3	Hambridge	5	0	31	1
4	Ingram	5	0	22	1
5	Stone	5	3	29	3
6	Hastie	4.2	0	17	1

Team	Wootton & Bladon CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Ingram	c Westmoreland b Hebbes	55		5	1	5-121
2	A. Hambridge	c Hotson b Hoskins	18		3	-	1-40
3	S. Poole *	st Bullock b Fisher	16		1	-	2-88
4	R. Hindle +	b Fisher	0		-	-	3-88
5	S. Hastie	c Howarth b Fisher	2		-	-	4-92
6	H. Davies	b Mann	23		3	-	6-127
7	A. Stone	run out (Hoskins)	6		-	-	7-139
8	Derrick	not out	0		-	-	-
9	D. Charvis	run out (Mann)	1		-	-	8-147
10
11
	Extras		26
	TOTAL	(all out, 33.3 overs)	147

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Mann	6.3	1	26	1
2	Jones	7	1	36	0
3	Hoskins	6	1	27	1
4	Fisher	7	1	26	3
5	Hebbes	3	0	14	1
6	Dobner	4	0	14	0

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: M. T. Westmoreland’s sprawling catch in the deep Buffet Award: D. L. Jones’ jammy dodgers

Opposition: V027 / 05 Ground: G020 / 02 Captain: C006 / 26