“Theft and Loss
Mar No-MAD Victory”
Match: 05
/ 110
Won
by 51 runs
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCC |
208 - 7 |
|
D. Edwards 55, G. Littlechild 50 |
|
|
|
|
|
Bodleian |
157 - 7 |
|
M. Westmoreland 3 -
28, I. Howarth 2 - 57 |
|
|
So who was the Hat Thief? Suspicion was rife in
the No-MAD ranks as they supped their midday ales and argued over the
disappearance of various headwear the previous fortnight. Aussie
A. G. Mann, was aggrieved that his blue NY emblazoned baseball cap had
vanished after loaning it to Mr. Howarth, who in turn was moaning about his
sunhat vanishing after loaning it to Titanick. Mr. Hebbes was refuting all
allegations of wrongdoing by countering his green cap had also gone awry, and
that his travels to Eastern Europe were perfectly above board and that he
hadn’t been flogging his ill-gotten gains to travelling gypsies. Mr. Edwards
chipped in, informing the group that they were welcome to borrow one of the
myriad of hats that he brought to each and every game. He naturally became
the prime suspect in the matter, and only escaped a beating after defending
himself with a black Labrador puppy [Joe]. I mean how can you attack a grown
man holding a pup? So the contentious subject of the Hat Thief remained
unresolved….
“So, Jake –
you had a pretty swell evening, huh?” Now if things weren’t acrimonious enough prior to
the match, group-appointed Judge, J. Hotson, was busying himself getting
increasingly slaughtered, whilst lamenting the loss of his leather coat the previous
evening [whilst utterly wankered]. The coat he could just about live without,
but the keys to his house and the loss of his prize Sony digital camera he
could not. “Fucking bouncers! Someone just said ‘that’s my coat’, and this
dozy fucking bouncer gives my fucking coat away! Fucking cunt [hic, burp….]”
No, he wasn’t happy, but at least the pub was open. Shit, with all the fun
the team were having down the pub, it seemed a real chore to have to go to
Pembroke and actually play some
cricket….
The theatre of dreams. Thirty two degrees. That’s what the weather woman
would later decree – practically Mediterranean. Hardly the climate to be
running and diving about while chasing a piece of shiny red leather then.
Fortunately, oarsman and champion tosser, J. Hoskins, guessed correctly
again, and with a collective sigh, the Bodleian accepted the ball. This
looked an excellent toss to win as openers S. Dobner (12) and N. Hebbes (30)
saw the No-MAD to 44 without loss, before trundler, H. Udson,
sent them both packing after rattling the timber. This brought little respite
for the visitors, as D. Edwards and Essex schoolteacher, G. Littlechild,
presided over a 64 run partnership in a little over 7 overs. It was great fun to watch, and the
pitch-side Madsters were soon starting to wager whether the vertically challenged sports-teacher would become the
first ever No-MAD centurion. However, despite an earlier reprieve when caught
off a no-ball, Gary contrived to throw his opportunity away by spooning
another one in the air. Nobody realised he’d gotten his fifty, as scorer A.
Mann, was struggling with simple basic arithmetic [again].
S. Dobner
and N. Hebbes provide a sound platform for the No-MAD. It was now left to Edwards to forge onwards and
build towards an impressive total. He was partnered by an aggressive, J.
Hotson (1), a lager-swilling A. Morley (1), a pugnacious J. Hoskins (7), and
finally by the shaky M. Westmoreland. Martin (27*) had endured a wretched
return with the bat this year, so it was with huge relief to see him
peppering the tiring Bodleian attack to all parts of mid-wicket during his
entertaining knock. After the doughty Edwards (55) finally fell, it was left
to Howarth (1*) to protect his average as the No-MAD total settled on 208-7.
A daunting total, but not one entirely out of the range of their opponents,
largely due to their swashbuckling opening batsman D. Yousaf – a man no
stranger to hammering hapless Mad bowling attacks in years previous.
The No-MAD take
shelter from the glaring sun. Tea. Kev’s feast was good, but it appeared that the tuna and sweetcorn
sandwiches had replaced the plain salad sandwiches as the choice of
complaint. Salad seemed “in” again, whereas tuna apparently sucked.
Egg mayonnaise was a natural winner once more. It was all entirely predictable come the
resumption of the match, that the No-MAD lacked penetration when their
bowling legend wasn’t firing on all
cylinders. Despite A. Mann’s (7-1-15-0) excellent economy, the runs came
aplenty at the other end, as Howarth served up a variety of shit to smash to
all parts. Things did quieten down somewhat when J. Hoskins (7-0-33-0)
replaced him, but a wicket still eluded the No-MAD bowlers, and the Bodleian
continued to up their total.
Whilst A.
Mann’s (right) writing skills are not in question, his maths is. It would be Monday before the No-MAD received communication from their
regular stumpmeister, M. Bullock, offering a
grovelling apology for his non-appearance at the game. In his absence [whilst
Matt was allegedly feasting on various ciders in remote parts of Kernow], S.
Dobner had commendably stepped up to fill the void, but soon the found the
going tough as he spilled a trio of chances off his luckless skipper. The
last of which caused him to sink to his knees and ask for forgiveness. Yeah,
we forgive you, Steve – but you’re getting the first round in on Tour, you
clumsy twat! With the Bodleian now on 109 without loss, it took
the introduction of M. Westmoreland to finally break the seal. Bowling with
good rhythm, and backed by some decent fielding, he returned figures of
7-1-28-3. This put the No-MAD right back in the match, and with N. Hebbes
(7-0-27-1) also keeping things tight, the Bods total slowed and fell behind
the required run-rate. D. Yousaf was still at the crease however, and whilst
he remained there the Bods still harboured hopes of victory, and when Howarth
replaced Moo at the pavilion end, they had even more case for optimism. It
was a bold move by the Skipper, who obviously reasoned Ian couldn’t possibly
repeat the helping of shite that he had served up earlier. Wrong! He dollied
up a half-volley which was smashed straight past him. But what was this!?
...somehow, Howarth (7-0-57-2) had stuck a tiny hand out, more a gesture than
anything, and the ball had slammed and stuck into his mitt. OUT! Yousaf
departed for 87, along with the Bodleian chances of victory.
“Your dad is
a thieving bastard, Joe!” The opposition finally finished on a sweaty 157-7
in their allotted overs; a fair stab at the run-chase, but a boiling hot day
and a fair modicum of fatigue had scuppered much of their efforts. There
actually came a point during their innings when D. Yousaf had asked the
respective Captains if he could take a breather and rejoin
the game later. This was rebuked, and even garnered a sledge from nearby Mr.
Hotson, stating that the batsman would be “better served in a fucking gym.”
Fortunately the barb wasn’t overheard, so the judge remained in possession of
a full set of teeth. Back to winning ways. Back to smiling once more. Bring on the Fat Boys!!! ‘D. E. Tective’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Bodleian Played at Pembroke College, 10 July
2005 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC
Offices won by 44 runs Far from the MCC debuts:
none |
05 / 110 35 over match |
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
N. J. Hebbes |
b Hudson |
30 |
(39) |
4 |
- |
2-45 |
|
2 |
S. L. P. Dobner |
b Hudson |
12 |
(53) |
- |
- |
1-44 |
|
3 |
D. M. Edwards |
b Wilby |
55 |
(58) |
7 |
- |
7-193 |
|
4 |
G. S. Littlechild + |
c Busby b Taylor |
50 |
(30) |
9 |
- |
3-109 |
|
5 |
J. C. W. Hotson |
b Taylor |
1 |
(6) |
- |
- |
4-129 |
|
6 |
A. Morley |
run out |
1 |
(5) |
- |
- |
5-150 |
|
7 |
J. D. Hoskins * |
b Arnold |
7 |
(8) |
1 |
- |
6-161 |
|
8 |
M. T. Westmoreland |
not out |
27 |
(17) |
5 |
- |
- |
|
9 |
I. Howarth |
not out |
1 |
(1) |
- |
- |
- |
|
10 |
A. G. Mann |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB7, W11, LB3, B3) |
24 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 7 wickets, 35 overs) |
208 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Ackland |
7 |
0 |
21 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Wilby |
7 |
0 |
33 |
1 |
|
|
3 |
Hudson |
7 |
0 |
32 |
2 |
|
|
4 |
Millea |
4 |
0 |
29 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
MacKinnon |
3 |
0 |
42 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Taylor |
6 |
1 |
37 |
2 |
|
|
7 |
Arnold |
2 |
0 |
8 |
1 |
|
|
Team |
Bodleian |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
D. Yousaf |
c and b Howarth |
87 |
|
10 |
1 |
|
|
2 |
N. Millea * |
b Westmoreland |
34 |
|
2 |
- |
1-109 |
|
3 |
J. Taylor |
lbw b Westmoreland |
9 |
|
1 |
- |
|
|
4 |
S. G. Ackland |
c Hotson b Westmoreland |
0 |
|
- |
- |
|
|
5 |
D. Busby |
run out (Hoskins) |
5 |
|
- |
- |
|
|
6 |
M. Webb |
c Dobner b Hebbes |
12 |
|
2 |
- |
|
|
7 |
J. Wilby |
c and b Howarth |
0 |
|
- |
- |
|
|
8 |
A. Hudson |
not out |
1 |
|
- |
- |
- |
|
9 |
A. MacKinnon |
not out |
1 |
|
- |
- |
- |
|
10 |
S. Arnold |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB1, W9, B5) |
13 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 7 wickets, 35 overs) |
164 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Mann |
7 |
0 |
15 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Howarth |
7 |
0 |
57 |
2 |
|
|
3 |
Hoskins |
7 |
0 |
33 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
Westmoreland |
7 |
1 |
28 |
3 |
|
|
5 |
Hebbes |
7 |
0 |
27 |
1 |
|
|
MOTM: M. T. Westmoreland Champagne Moment: I. Howarth’s one handed
caught and bowled Buffet
Award: I. Howarth’s lemon meringue
tarts |
Opposition:
V023 / 07 Ground: G011 / 32 Captain: C006 / 37 |