“Inspector Gadget Appears for OU Offices

Between This and That End”

Match: 05 / 106

Lost by 140 runs

Team	Total
OU Offices	246 - 9
I. Howarth 3 - 44, J. Harris 2 - 45
FFTMCC	106
N. Hebbes 45

Many a time since the Foundation (in 1998, under a different name) have the boundaries of cricket being pushed to their very limit by the Far from the MCC. Inventions such as Hat and/or Glasses Bowling, Self Importance, Driftwood Usage and Prosthetic ‘Iron Hands’ have left spectators gawping on the sidelines in summers gone by. Some such inventions have been heralded great successes, and the new fielding position of Deep Slip has even been referred to on Test Match Special. However, the No-MAD themselves were outdone in the field this Sunday last, when in true Whacky Races style, OU Offices unleashed not one, but two secret weapons in the field to flabbergast the most unflabbergastable of cricketing veterans.

The great Jesus College view from the pavilion.

Straight out of the CIA research and development department came the Anti-Fielder-Homing-Ball-Device, a microchip controlled ball which when struck with the willo* would automatically stray into an area without a fielder, but always keep the nearby cricketer interested in catching it without ever laying a goddamn hand on it whilst in flight. US Military officials at the game were said to be pleased with the preliminary tests and would now be installing this technology in their Tomahawk missiles in order to avoid friendly forces in the field of battle.

Secondly, when realizing a potential mooing (cow, rake, swish, swat, woft, thrash etc etc) could be round the corner, they utilized the much celebrated Inspector-Gadget-Hand-of-God-Catching-Device. This cunning implement, installed within the arm of a rangy, gangly member of their number, one Mr. Heron, allowed the individual to catch the cherry from a distance of 16.72 feet, and with his back to the ball - almost as if it were a small fish wallowing in the shallows…. Unbelievable.

N. Hebbes and D. Edwards see off the opening burst from the OU attack.

Debate still rages on (at least Moo Boy continues to debate) whether said devices were legal in the field of play, and claims that Martin’s wicket should be non-valid. But let’s face it No-MAD, we were outdone this week by cunning guile, a couple of ringers, and a little bit of cricketing genius thrown in. This week was not to be, and back to the drawing boards we must go, with the aim of catching the pigeon before the opposition next Sunday.

Play proceeded with OU Offices opening the batting on a beautifully cut field under warm grey skies, and the No-MAD fielding with ten men thanks to the thirteenth man stepping in at number ten, thus avoiding nine (thanks Ant). The first few overs looked promising for the ten men, with J. Harris (8-0-45-2) finding an early wicket with the lump of crap they were bowling with, and A. Mann (8-1-44-0) pinning the other end down with his usual early customary economy. The second wicket proved a tough nut to crack with I. Howarth (8-0-44-3) eventually coming out with a breakthrough ball which proved to be “just too bloody good” <cough> to take Douglas’s opening wicket for 41. Alas for the No-MAD, the breakthrough was not withstanding, and the Offices number 4, Rahman (56), found space in the field time after time after time after time after time after time after time. And when the ball did go to hands, the hands didn’t seem to want the ball anyway…. But despite this increasing irritation, the No-MAD succeeded in keeping the run rate down to a respectable level with some energetic ground fielding, and since the ball wasn’t going to go to hand (no matter what the f&^* we did), they constantly battled for a wicket with run-out attempts.

“Where’s the tits in this rag?”

Now, when run-out attempts are made during the course of an innings, it is vitally important as a fielder to know which end of the wicket to throw the ball to. The No-MAD, enthusiastic as ever to invent discreet improvements to the modern game game, embarked on a brave attempt at revising the acceptable calling method used by generations of cricketers, and instead opted for their own brand of brainless cricket. “Bowlers” or “Keepers End” hath been the cry for many a century, but this is quite obviously far too confusing a method for the No-MAD to deploy, and thus the terms “This End” and “That End” were introduced on Sunday. This, as you can imagine, caused widespread chaos and numerous outbursts of foul language. Fielders, with their backs to the wicket, and running into headwinds, were constantly heard shouting “which bloody end?” before hurling the ball to an incorrect destination. Needless to say we didn’t manage a run-out, and wickets stood firm at This End, That End, and T’other End.

The OU Offices run rate accelerated from this point, before a second ‘breakthrough that wasn’t’ was picked up by the wizardry of Spellcaster D. Edwards (3-0-19-1). His cry of “Kazzzzzam!!!” three seconds before ball struck the stumps totally bamboozled the OU batsman. Alas, the opposition’s big guns were still not silenced, and a batting-down-the-order ringer, Boon, thus proceeded to slap a classy 83 not out with a mixture of searing drives past the bowler and through the off-side. During these final painful overs, J. Hoskins (9-0-64-1) returned a wicket for his troubles (his legendary grunt ball doing the damage), as did N. Hebbes (4-0-30-1) with his chocolate trifles, but the opposition still realised a mighty 246-9 off their 40 overs.

Club mathematician, J. Hotson (left), is unimpressed by OU’s claim to have scored 248.

Confidence was still high during the convening tea however, as Spellcaster D. Edwards and the rusting Titanic padded-up to open the No-MAD innings. But despite what looked like a confident start, nerves began to show after the run-rate slowed to a trickle by the tenth over. Edwards, not scoring in the style which he has become accustomed, gallantly tried to connect with more gusto before succumbing on 15, and thus passed the baton on to J. Hotson (7), batting at number 3 having shown fine form in the nets. Sadly, this time, he did not connect in the middle. N. Hebbes realizing the required run rate was reaching seismic proportions pulled and cut his way to 45 before the No-MAD were again rocked as he guided a catch to keeper Malloy. 75 for 2.

After four games the new bat was finally christened for M. Westmoreland (4), as was the vocal toy heifer on the boundary, following a predictable moo on the fourth ball of his innings. Unfortunately the fifth ball of the innings was when Inspector Gadget appeared on the leg-side, producing his miracle catch - plucking the ball from the air whilst on a backwards sprint! A moment for which, in the first time in Mad and No-MAD history, had an opposing team member claiming the Champagne Moment.

The No-MAD were much more competitive in the pub after the match.

It was after this deflating episode that an unwelcome return to collapse followed for the No-MAD, as they produced a display of total ineptitude with the willo* that allowed the OU Offices to wrap the innings up in shortish time. Impersonations were as follows: T. Smith (6) – baseball, I. Howarth (7) - croquet, M. Bullock (3) – golf, A. Mann (1) - tennis, skipper J. Hoskins (duck) – fishing. Which all left the average protector, J. Harris marooned on 2 not out and the OU Offices claiming victory with the Anti-Fielder-Homing-Ball-Device switched off.

Realising a total of just 106 all out, heads dropped for all of thirty seconds before realizing that it was only 18:15, and that the Marsh Harrier pub was only just round the corner. Fines duly abounded – what japery – and it was universally agreed that we can’t win every game, a realization that naturally comes about when you have just lost.

Never mind, we were a lot more competitive in the pub quiz.

‘Hoskers’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Oxford University Offices Played at Jesus College, 5 June 2005 Oxford University Offices won the toss and elected to bat Oxford University Offices won by 140 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

05 / 106 40 over match

Team	OU Offices
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Douglas	b Howarth	41				2-75
2	C. A. Heron	c Westmoreland b Harris	4				1-7
3	A. Hallsworth	b Edwards	39				3-114
4	A. Rahman	c Westmoreland b Howarth	56				5-117
5	M. S. Rundle	c Harris b Hebbes	0				4-116
6	J. Boon	not out	83				-
7	J. Nickel	lbw b Hoskins	0				6-195
8	A. Darley	c Bullock b Harris	8				7-203
9	T. Malloy	run out (Harris)	3				8-220
10	U. Latif	c and b Howarth	4				9-236
11	J. Organ	not out	1				-
	Extras		7
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)	246

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Mann	8	1	44	0
2	Harris	8	0	45	2
3	Hoskins	9	0	64	1
4	Howarth	8	0	44	3
5	Edwards	3	0	19	1
6	Hebbes	4	0	30	1

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	N. J. Hebbes	c Malloy b Rundle	45	(67)	6	-	2-75
2	D. M. Edwards	c Rahman b Darley	15	(37)	1	-	1-45
3	J. C. W. Hotson	c Heron b Nickel	7	(24)	-	-	3-84
4	M. T. Westmoreland	c Heron b Nickel	4	(8)	1	-	4-92
5	T. P. W. Smith	c Rahman b Nickel	6	(12)	1	-	5-92
6	I. Howarth	b Boon	7	(8)	1	-	8-106
7	M. Bullock +	c Organ b Nickel	3	(10)	-	-	6-98
8	A. G. Mann	c and b Boon	1	(2)	-	-	7-99
9	J. Harris	not out	2	(8)	-	-	-
10	J. D. Hoskins *	b Boon	0	(4)	-	-	9-106
11
	Extras	(W13, LB2, B1)	16
	TOTAL	(all out, 30 overs)	106

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Organ	5	0	18	0
2	Latif	7	1	18	0
3	Darley	4	1	15	1
4	Rundle	6	0	26	1
5	Nickel	5	0	19	4
6	Boon	2	1	5	3
7	Heron	1	0	2	0

MOTM: N. J. Hebbes Champagne Moment: C. Heron’s unbelievable catch to dismiss Martin Buffet Award: N. J. Hebbes’ jam tarts and cream scones

Opposition: V035 / 03 Ground: G019 / 02 Captain: C006 / 33