“Ant’s Egg Flan Goes down a Storm with the Fat Boys”

Match: 05 / 105

Match Abandoned

Team	Total
Wootton & Bladon CC	180 - 9
S. Dobner 2 - 23, I. Howarth 2 - 31
FFTMCC

There were many topics for discussion prior to Sunday's doomed match against the Wootton & Bladon. Is it a given that a woman will smash her car up quicker than her bloke if they both drive similar distances over a set period of time? The majority of the team would concur on this notion, unless of course the woman in question is in the vicinity when the topic is being discussed – in which case they all look to the sky and mutter about how nice the clouds appear against the nice blue backdrop. Martin's bat – now here's an interesting one – why is it when you buy new lump of wood, that a combination of good batting from other team members, bad weather and general ill-fortune prevents you from ever using it? Maybe its divine intervention – a sign that you should just stick to bowling? Possibly, but Martin's bat has seen as much use this season as Baghdad's holiday terminal. Another exchange centred on Spam's idiotic decision to swing wildly at a lollypop the previous weekend and get himself stumped for 99. The team were split on whether he would have done things differently knowing his score. Some opined that he didn't have the intelligence to play for a single anyway, so why tell him? Other's thought this cruel, but agreed in general with this summation, so sod him.

Wootton’s number four ‘porker’ tries to farm the strike.

Skipper J. Hoskins, fresh from a drunken 23 hour pool and poker session, correctly called the toss on an overcast and distinctly inhospitable afternoon. Noting the Wootton pitch to be a potential ‘sticky’, he had little hesitation in sticking the opposition in to bat. This decision would later be discussed by the team in the confines of the pub [more of that later], as they clearly hadn't discussed enough already.

Hoskins opted for the unusual bowling combo of batsmen L. Davie and I. Howarth to commence proceedings, and after a cautious first few overs, the Wootton openers began to expand their game. Howarth, struggling up the hill into the light drizzle from the Ridge End, erred in direction with a wet ball and was summarily hit out of the attack. Mr. Davie (8-1-33-0) was more effective from the Pavilion End, but despite beating the bat on numerous occasions, he saw Wootton progress past the 50 mark without any loss. The No-MAD fielding was particularly poor during this period, with the hapless D. Edwards the main culprit, the greasy ball difficult to keep a grip of [particularly when hit in the air].

The sun is out… briefly.

In the unaccustomed role of first change bowler batsman, the dependable A. Mann replaced a grumpy I. Howarth, and began his vagaries of swing bowling from the Ridge End. After serving up a few juicy full tosses, Ant suckered Wootton opener, N. Hambridge, having him drive straight to Edwards at extra cover. This time he hung on. 55-1. Thoughts of a shift in momentum were quickly dispelled, as R. Hindle and N. Clifton gorged on as many cream tarts and soft puddings our Ozzie (8-0-45-2) cared to throw. You would have thought their appetites were sated, but Hoskins’ (7-0-32-1) tasty delicacies found an instant interest.

G. Littlechild (left) fared much better in the field than poor D. Edwards.

With Wootton sailing past the hundred mark, a rather desperate Captain turned to another of his batsmen for bowling duties – Mr S. Dobner. Having spent much of the game on the boundary with his hands tucked snugly in his pockets, Steve now ran in from the Pavilion End. Such is cricketing irony, it was none of his decent straight ones that reaped reward, but a dreadful waist-high full-bunger that was smacked straight down the throat of a back-pedalling Howarth at deep cow [R. Hindle gone for a well-made 80]. Wootton now 134-2.

There are some wonderful number fours in the cricketing world. One immediately thinks of Sachin Tendulkar, Brian Lara or the prolific Jacques Kallis, but you would never bracket the Wootton number four in this group, nor any group fifty divisions below. S. Hastie (2) was inept. Large, but utterly inept. And it came as no surprise when he guided some leg side dross onto his timber. Suddenly No-MAD tails were up, and with batsman bowler M. Westmoreland (5-2-16-0), finding rhythm from the Ridge End, the Wootton score evaporated to a trickle. The sudden tidiness and enthusiasm in the field, was epitomised by debutant keeper G. Littlechild, whose energy and keen professionalism rubbed off on the wankers around him.

Martin recites some northern poetry.

With Wootton protagonist S. Poole (2), getting himself ran out [comically] at the non-strikers end, a quite dismal home team collapse saw them lose 6 wickets for a paltry 13 runs. Howarth (7-1-32-2) returned to bag a brace from the Pavilion End, Mann worked in tandem with Edwards again, and Hoskins’ luck finally changed as he castled Guthrie for a duck. Along with a another run out, it all left Clifton unbeaten on 62*, and the Wootton score paralysed on 180-9.

Time for tea.

Pissing down.

…and time for the heavens to well and truly open. It pissed it down. High winds, incessant rain, misery and dejection – all played out as the players watched on glumly from the pavilion. Despite optimism citing "passing showers" and "brighter spells to come", the weather continued to frustrate. A brief lull allowed young Wootton express, M. Bateman, to chance his run up before submerging in a sea of mud; and despite the skies finally clearing, it was decided to call the match off. A morose D. Edwards and S. Dobner de-padded, as did J. Hotson and an exceedingly bored T. Smith. Damn it all. The No-MAD really fancied this run chase, especially with their decision to field eleven [well, ten actually] batsmen for the match.

So, with no more cricket, the teams melted away to the local pub to discuss the merits of bowling first with a strong batting team. Particularly when the weather forecasters had predicted shit weather later in the day.

But hey, what do weather forecasters know? Eh, James?

‘Rain Man’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Bladon CC Played at Wootton, 22 May 2005 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Match Abandoned Far from the MCC debuts: Gary Littlechild (087)

05 / 105 40 over match

Team	Wootton & Bladon CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. Hindle	c Howarth b Dobner	80		9	-	2-134
2	N. Hambridge	c Edwards b Mann	21		2	-	1-55
3	N. Clifton	not out	62		8	1	-
4	S. Hastie	b Dobner	2		-	-	3-147
5	S. Poole *	run out (Dobner)	2		-	-	4-164
6	D. Debono	b Howarth	8		-	-	5-174
7	T. Poole +	c Edwards b Mann	0		-	-	6-177
8	A. Hambridge	run out	0		-	-	7-177
9	A. Stone	b Howarth	0		-	-	8-177
10	A. Guthrie	b Hoskins	0		-	-	9-177
11	M. Bateman	not out	1		-	-	-
	Extras		24
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)	180

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Davie	8	1	33	0
2	Howarth	7	1	31	2
3	Mann	8	0	45	2
4	Hoskins	7	0	32	1
5	Westmoreland	5	2	16	0
6	Dobner	5	1	23	2

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. L. P. Dobner
2	D. M. Edwards
3	M. T. Westmoreland
4	J. C. W. Hotson
5	T. P. W. Smith
6	G. S. Littlechild +
7	I. Howarth
8	L. Davie
9	A. G. Mann
10	J. D. Hoskins *
11
	Extras
	TOTAL

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1
2
3

MOTM: n/a Champagne Moment: n/a Buffet Award: A. Mann’s egg flan

Opposition: V027 / 06 Ground: G020 / 03 Captain: C006 / 32