“G. Littlechild v The Fines Committee: A Case for the Defence”

Match: 06 / 127

Won by 5 wkts

Team	Total
Tackley CC	102
J. Hoskins 3 - 30, S. Dobner 2 - 27
FFTMCC	103 - 5
N. Hebbes 32, J. Hotson 18

Gentlemen, I would like to draw your attention to the following historical events:

10 AD Watford, Central Europe (not near Stevenage which wasn't created until 1960-something, and then only by a large freak accident involving an adolescent with possible surname - D, or - P).

The good Lord, whilst on leave from his full time job in Galilee, Bethlehem and the Middle East generally, was wandering through the clouds when he happened to notice a small child, sat crying.

"Why cryeth you?" Asked the Lord briefly assuming the form of a mortal.

" I am lost replied the child, I had wanted to pick fruit for my sick grandfather so he may grow fit and tall again. I was so concentrating on finding the best cherries and not those supplied by the fools at the administration centre of the local seat of learning that I wandered without thinking, and now cannot see the wood for the trees."

" My dear old thing, replied the Lord...", adjusting his spectacles and quaffing briefly from a decent claret,"... such a tale of woe, I shall help you back safe." Clicking his fingers, the Lord lit the ground between the parting trees. The little child, joy spreading over his face, exclaimed in amazement, "This path you have created is just for me?"

"Indeed young sir, the line is thine," reassured the Lord....

G. Littlechild in action at Pembroke after a stumping was turned down.

1200 AD

Old bill Shakespeare was at a loss. Nothing to do 'til curtain up at 8pm, test match rained off and stuck just outside the M25 due to the diversion in place for the London to Brighton. It was either a tragedy or a comedy depending on which way you look at it and who's doing the marking. What to do? thought Bill, I could walk but that means going through Wood Green or I can stay a while and get 6.30 milk train, arriving promptly for the start at the South Bank Globe.

Ah, a friendly peddler with Super strength lager, what say we go talk of many things.......

Time passed freely, Morlers, for twas the peddlers preferred name, talked intriguingly and the two become firm friends. I must off mumbled Bill and stumbled to the Milk train. True to his roots as a fine Brit, Bill was able to obtain a low alcohol Stella in his carriage (for Morlers had showed him the value of ABV) and arrived in time at London's station. At this point, his true condition showed, in a blur of industrial revolutions, the girders, the passengers and the city came to left and swept him off his feet.

"Mr Shakespeare!, Mr Shakespeare-guv!" piped up a little child who had also travelled from the country. "Are you alright-like?"

"I must to the Globe" stammered Bill, whilst hauling himself to his knees.

"But Mr.Shakespeare-son", the boy was fluent in North London-patois from his Blairite education, "you can't go on like that. You'll be a laughing stock!"

"What am I to do?" blubbed Bill, "I've only a walk on part, Tarantino style - a simple sentence and my career!"

"Chin up Mr. S, this is all Much to do about nuffin", the boy suddenly bouncing to life, "I can do it for you."

"Really, you'd do that? What's your name child?"

"Any friend of Morlers is a friend of mine, sir. They call me Gary."

"Gary, my boy, I don't know how to thank you: the line is thine, the line is thine...."

1967 Woodstock (USA not Wootton & Bladon)

Bob Dylan and Joe Cocker are back stage.

"What a day, free love, free beer, free toilets. We are creating rock and roll history my friend!" Dylan was still in his on-stage persona.

"Love lift us up where we belong! Anyone got a strepsil" Joe was old, even in those days.

"Great show chaps, Big G will see you rule the world, rule the world!, now are we frock or do we ROCK - where's the charlie?"

"G, my man, that line is thine, that line is thine"

“Maybe if I score, I can change things about? Like stumped is stumped.”

And on the day in question:

2006 Oxford (Pembroke College Sports Ground)

Maybe it was the gloves, all orange and clean, the pain from the thumb or one of the deja-vu moments from a previously life. I mean we all come back, don't we - I apologise to Malcom Marshall daily: I can't bowl fast, it just won't swing and it's much harder playing on non-covered wickets! The sun can also play tricks on tiring minds, Camus taught us that (and to always dive left for penalties.)

Your honour, trapped in the headlights, the bunny was ripe, the line is thine, the line is thine, the line his thine....

"UMPIRE! UMPIRE! - THE LINE IS MINE, THE LINE IS MINE!!!!!"

Look at the facts your honour, I draw your attention to the bloodline, the history, generations have carried the burden. Do not condemn a man for his kin, fine him instead, and heavily if you must - be merciful with thy gavel!

‘The Defence Lawyer’