“Excuse Inspector’s Report”

Match: 07 / 145

Lost by 5 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	174 - 8
I. Howarth 112, J. Hoskins 16
Wootton & Boars Hill CC	175 - 5
A. Fisher 2 - 21

Being a politician, I am well versed in the language of excuses; so imagine my delight when my good lady wife asked me to accompany her to a game of cricket this Sunday gone. Cricket has long served as the love for many a member of government, and I am more than aware of the ridiculous excuses banded about for the various misdemeanours committed during the day. On arrival at the ground, I was introduced to some of the players and here are my notes concerning some of their implausible [to be richly applauded] excuses….

D. Edwards (after a lacklustre duck):

“I truly am a better batsman than that. That innings is not a true reflection of my undoubted talents as a cricketer. I prayed for a good knock today – so what the hell happened? Pay a covenant to the church each month? – after this? No fucking chance.”

G. Carter (after a single figure score):

“I play League cricket most Saturday’s, and so my real commitment lies there. Besides, after having my motorbike stolen the other week it was impossible to concentrate. The skipper should have been aware of my difficulties.”

“So, Morlers – the skipper, Howarth – dickhead or not?”

M. Clarke (after registering a golden duck with an awful swish):

“It was clearly time to get on with it, and I am a team man. I didn’t realise Morlers (who was next in) was too pissed to see the ball. And besides, I played League cricket yesterday, a cut above this, and I’m very tired; far too tired to concentrate.”

M. Bullock (after an unconvincing score of 1):

“I was clearly unfortunate, and besides – my talents are with the ball and with the gloves. It’s the job of the batsmen to get the runs. I am also the Chairman of this club, so no guilt have I.”

A. Morley (after an agonisingly tortuous duck):

“I was pissed. Batting at number 9 was three positions too high in the order for my condition. The Skipper should have been aware of my inebriation.”

D. Shorten (after grassing a sitter at long off):

“I appreciate it may be cloudy now, but the sun was in my eyes just then. And to have me fielding at mid-off is just silly – I never field in this position.”

D. Shorten (c&b opportunity dropped off Wootton top-scoring batsman D. Wiskin):

“I wear glasses, and they hinder my ability to see the ball. And besides, after my knock last week I consider myself a specialist batsman – so why am I bowling? The skipper is clearly an imbecile.”

P. Benisek (grassed sitter at cover off top-scoring batsman D. Wiskin):

“I didn’t realise I had to catch the ball. I’m Czech, you see – we don’t play cricket in my country. You guys never explain anything to me. I’m leaving the country – this sucks.”

Chairman, M. Bullock, tries his luck batting one-handed.

N. Hebbes (another dropped c&b effort):

“I lost it in the background. The sightscreen is clearly inadequate. I’ve also played far too little cricket this year to be expected to catch the ball off my own bowling. And besides, I’m a batsman not a bowler. The skipper is clueless.”

D. Edwards (yet another bungled c&b opportunity grassed onto the carpet):

“I missed church for this. Clearly it was not meant to be. I also have a second child on the way; the pressures are too immense to concentrate. The skipper should be aware of this fact.”

D. Edwards (grassed chance at mid on):

“If the skipper had positioned me properly, I would have swallowed that chance. I am a far better cricketer than that effort may have indicated. Did I tell you – my wife is only days away from giving birth to her second child? The pressures on us are far too immense for me to concentrate. This is ridiculous.”

J. Hoskins (comedy fielding at mid-off letting a four through his legs):

“Unbelievable! That ball took a terrible deviation on this flat outfield. And anyway – even if I stopped it, it would have gone for four.”

J. Hoskins (dropped chance at mid off):

“Oh, for fuck’s sake! How was I supposed to hang on to that? It was going far too quickly, and this is not one my normal fielding positions – so therefore the fault lies with the skipper. And besides, the cricket tour starts next week and as the organiser of the event I have clearly got far too much on my mind to concentrate.”

This mangy, stupid black puppy needed only an excuse for his smell.

J. Hoskins (comedy misfield on the mid wicket boundary):

“FUCKING HELL! Why am I here? This is clearly not my position, and the ball was travelling at 4,000mph! The captain is obviously an incompetent when it comes to field placements.”

M. Clarke (whilst justifying figures of 5.4-0-45-0):

“Our innings went into free-fall after the skipper threw his wicket away slogging; his shot was that of unthoughtful buffoon. With such an inadequate total to defend there was always far too much pressure on me to produce the goods. And besides, I played League cricket yesterday as well – so I’m far too tired to get my line and length right.”

A. Fisher (post match):

“We would have won that match if the skipper had listened to me earlier. I told him the batting order was utter shite, that the order of bowlers was idiotic, and that the field set for D. Wiskin was just plain dumb. No one ever listens to me even though I’m always right.”

I. Howarth (post match):

“I imagined a contribution of 112 would be enough to win….”

So there you go, after being entertained by this lot I’ll be armed with a reservoir of excuses when it comes to the next round of Question Time in the Houses of Parliament.

All the very best.

‘The Excuse Inspector’