“Saffer Speedster
and an 11yr Old
Scupper Hotson’s Dreams of Grandeur”
Match: 07 / 147
Lost by 30 runs
|
Team |
Total |
|
Worthing Chippingdale CC |
136 |
|
A. Mann 2 - 5, M. Reeves
2 - 14 |
|
|
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
106 - 9 |
|
I. Howarth 28, N. Hebbes
22 |
|
|
Mr. Smith and Mr. Howarth sat
on the Eastbourne seafront and gazed out to the grey and wet skies that hung
over the smudged horizon; a bottle of Lucozade and a can of coke clasped to
their mouths, as they strived manfully to shift a morning hangover. Best of
luck with that then.
A nondescript view of the Eastbourne
seafront. “Hey, here comes ole Big
head” prompted Smith, as a shuffling figure in three-quarters and flip-flops
came into view from behind a copse of trees.
“Morning guys” said Reeves, as he sat on the stone beach wall. “I’m confused.
I think I’ve drank far too much this weekend.” “Ha ha”
giggled Howarth sarcastically, “you must have really enjoyed your
first MAD Tour?” Countered Mike “Yeah, it’s been really special…. Not
playing on Friday after being picked and then dropped after you two guys
fucked the draw up; having no cricket on Saturday
and drinking all day. Having the game rained off yesterday so I was reduced
to hitting a tennis ball in a park, and then being chased about with a kid
with a water pistol, and today… Jesus, I really can’t be arsed.”
Smith and Howarth nodded sympathetically as Reeves continued “but even
playing no cricket and coming down here to rot my brain cells all
weekend, has to be better than sitting on a muddy carpet in my home in
Botley, and staring at the brick walls surrounding me where the water levels
reached…. Shit, did I tell you about my car breaking
down in Australia – right out in the wilderness? And my luggage being lost at
the airport?”
“Ha ha. You
and me opening? Ha ha. Jake’s a twat,
isn’t he?” After a thoroughly
disorganised journey through jams and packed A-roads, a convoy of Mad cars
eventually arrived at Worthing’s homage to the Cowley Marshes in Oxford. A
vast green windswept stretch of council land circled by a high concrete wall
– hardly the quaint surrounds one had gotten accustomed to on bygone Somerset
tours. “Shame it hasn’t got a Terror.ism mural
painted on it,” noted A. Mann, as he raised an eyebrow towards the concrete.
“And look at those fucking big crappy clouds over
there – we’re gonna get soaked today. More fucking rain.
Sheesh, I dunno if I can be bothered… and I’m hungry.” After allegedly winning the
toss, Skipper for the day, J. Hotson, invited Worthing Chippingdale CC to
have first dibs on a track which wouldn’t have
looked out of place at Cholsey [read shit]. Citing yips* as the reason for
not wanting to bowl, and instead demanding the keepers
gloves, it took I. Howarth all of one ball before he grassed a low chance off
the hostile J. Hoskins (3-0-8-0) and became the proud bearer of the pink PVC
tour hat**. M. Westmoreland also cited the yips, but the skipper refused to
listen to his bleating, and instead watched him carted to all parts of the
south coast on his way to scooping figures of 3-0-36-1 [read shit]. A. Mann (5-2-5-2) didn’t
have the yips, and the values of bowling a line and length on a more than
helpful pitch accounted for his wickets and miserly economy [M. Bullock with
a champagne catch at slip]. N. Hebbes (5-0-23-1) and M.
Reeves (4-1-14-2) slowed the opponents innings, and
only Worthing batsman, A. Baumann (54*), would ever look like he was at ease
with the turd of a pitch. It all left a variety of sausage rolls and egg-flan
from T. Smith (7-0-48-2) and M. Bullock (1.3-0-2-1) to curtail the home team’s
innings and dismiss them for a moderate 136 in 28.3 overs.
The MAD would make a great start to
their run chase…. It has to
be said that the standard of cricket teas on Tour was excellent, and Worthing
Chippingdale did us proud, with a selection of buffet that put even The MAD’s
bowling to shame. Scones and cream, Kippling cakes,
savoury side dishes, a fair cargo-hold of meat and vegetarian sandwiches…. It
put Pembroke Kev’s spreads to shame. When it came to sorting out
the batting order, Mr. Hotson was confronted with a wave of lethargy in MAD
ranks. Said Bullock “hmm, I’m not sure about opening, I’m the Chairman you
know – I have other responsibilities and I need to concentrate my mind.”
Martin and Ian chipped in that they were “happy for other players who hadn’t
seen much action to get a turn”, and were “not
overly bothered.” In fact, they instead argued over who got to bat last and
prop a plastic chair up on the boundary. In the end, Jake ruled on a reversed
batting order [of sorts], with various bowlers being divided into various
batting pools, and the pools being divided into smaller pools that were not
divisible by the number 15.
Mike (with bat) takes guard five feet
outside leg stump. What nobody from the Far from
the MCC knew at the time was just how quick the 16yr old South African
opening bowler was who fronted the Worthing attack. In short – he was very quick! Real fucking quick.
Quick enough to have had a trial for Sussex, and had
Chris Adams beam about wanting him back in two years’ time (after he had
matured in size). So what exactly he was doing
playing a friendly against a team of touring pissheads is anyone’s guess?
Safe to say, that young Mr. Strackher (remember that name), may well have a
future in the higher echelons of the game in years to come. That said, he may
find wickets harder to come by than bowling at a stock of nervous rabbits. Once the slip cordon had
stepped back some 20 to 30 yards, a backstop had been introduced by the boundary
edge, and a quivering M. Reeves played and missed half a dozen times, the
grim realisation of facing a genuine quick on a shit
track, with no sightscreens became only too apparent. After giggling at
Mike’s ducking and weaving from the non-striker’s end, M. Bullock (0) would
then see his stumps smashed to pieces and his brief innings brought to a
violent end. J. Hoskins (4) did squirt a boundary off the precocious
Strackher, but 2 balls later he was caught by a diving eighth slip. G.
Carter’s introduction to the line of fire was even shorter; trudging back
after his front leg was broken in sixteen places following an lbw appeal.
Whilst this carnage was taking place, shell-shocked batsmen Reeves (5) and A.
Mann (1) departed at the other end to leave the visitors floundering on 19-5.
Suddenly The MAD’s lowest ever team total was within
their grasp.
Skipper J. Hotson is bemused by M. Strackher’s slip cordon. Enter Mad Skipper for the day,
J. Hotson, to hopefully restore some order. After watching Strackher fizz a
couple past his stumps, Jake was elated to see his Worthing counterpart opt
to take the young South African tearaway out the attack,
and persevere with more friendly bowling. Together with T.
Smith (14), the pair succeeded in passing The MAD’s previous lowest total
before Smith was caught clubbing one too many to cow corner. N. Hebbes further
accompanied Hotson (12), until the Skipper claimed the unenviable MAD record
for being dismissed by the youngest ever bowler. A. J. Wood, all four feet
and two inches of him, was just 11 years and 248 day old, when he tickled
Hotson’s timber. Now that was funny – ha ha ha. The MAD tail wagged briefly,
and so it should have, since the usual top-order had sat pitch-side earlier
watching the tragedy of this innings unfold. Alas, the Worthing Skipper grew
tired of the ball disappearing over the boundary line and turned once again
to their left-arm South African import. The kid duly sent Hebbes’ (22) middle
stump cart wheeling out the ground, before a
flustered Westmoreland blocked out his final 2 deliveries of his returning
over. But any ideas of an unlikely MAD victory were ended the subsequent over
when Howarth (28 off 14 balls) was last man out trying to hit the ball into
the council estate. A dejected Mr Westmoreland was left standing at the
non-strikers end on a monumental 0 not out…. Cruel sport this game of cricket
you know (please check out the Milton CC game from earlier this year if you
want a dose of irony).
“Nick – did you know you had 4 arms?
You freak.” So that was it. The MAD were
all out for 106 and the spoils of victory went to the genial hosts. With the
2007 Far from the MCC tour now officially over, the players remaining
declared the Tour a great success and buggered off
home. More of the same next year we
hope. Albeit with rather less 80mph yorkers on the final day of Tour…. * - Sport is as much a mental battle as a physical one – so if an
athlete’s confidence goes, it can seriously affect their performance. In
extreme cases, the basic things seem impossible and no matter how talented
you are, the psychological barrier can be impossible to break down. The
condition is known as “the yips”, but exactly what causes it remains a
mystery.
** - The
pink PVC tour hat became the possession of the last
MAD player to drop a catch (so it was passed around quite a lot then). ‘Spam’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Worthing Chippingdale CC Played at Worthing, 20 August 2007 Worthing
Chippingdale CC won the toss and elected to bat Worthing Chippingdale CC won
by 30 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none |
07 / 147 35 over match |
|
Team |
Worthing
Chippingdale CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
R. Dexter |
b Westmoreland |
32 |
|
|
|
4-50 |
|
2 |
R. Baumann + |
run out (sub) |
6 |
|
|
|
1-12 |
|
3 |
G. Avinou * |
c Bullock b Mann |
7 |
|
|
|
2-20 |
|
4 |
P. Wood |
b Mann |
0 |
|
|
|
3-20 |
|
5 |
A. Baumann |
not out |
54 |
|
|
|
- |
|
6 |
J. White |
b Smith |
13 |
|
|
|
5-88 |
|
7 |
J. Wilson |
c Reeves b Hebbes |
1 |
|
|
|
6-93 |
|
8 |
P. Brotherton |
c Westmoreland b Smith |
7 |
|
|
|
7-117 |
|
9 |
M. Strackher |
lbw b Reeves |
0 |
|
|
|
8-117 |
|
10 |
J. French |
c Hebbes b Reeves |
3 |
|
|
|
9-135 |
|
11 |
A. Wood |
c Reeves b Bullock |
1 |
|
|
|
10-136 |
|
|
Extras |
(NB3, W4, LB5) |
12 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 28.3 overs) |
136 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Hoskins |
3 |
0 |
8 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Mann |
5 |
2 |
5 |
2 |
|
|
3 |
Westmoreland |
3 |
0 |
36 |
1 |
|
|
4 |
Hebbes |
5 |
0 |
23 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
Smith |
7 |
0 |
48 |
2 |
|
|
6 |
Reeves |
4 |
1 |
14 |
2 |
|
|
7 |
Bullock |
1.3 |
0 |
2 |
1 |
|
|
Team |
Far from
the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
M. K. Reeves |
c Dexter b Brotherton |
5 |
(17) |
1 |
- |
2-14 |
|
2 |
M. Bullock |
b Straker |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
1-11 |
|
3 |
A. G. Mann |
c R. Baumann b A. Baumann |
1 |
(7) |
- |
- |
5-19 |
|
4 |
J. D. Hoskins |
c Wilson b Straker |
4 |
(7) |
1 |
- |
3-18 |
|
5 |
G. Carter |
lbw b Straker |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
4-18 |
|
6 |
J. C. W. Hotson * |
b A. Wood |
12 |
(47) |
- |
- |
7-70 |
|
7 |
T. P. W. Smith |
c R. Baumann b Wilson |
14 |
(24) |
2 |
- |
6-42 |
|
8 |
N. J. Hebbes |
b Straker |
22 |
(42) |
1 |
- |
8-102 |
|
9 |
I. Howarth + |
b Brotherton |
28 |
(14) |
4 |
1 |
9-106 |
|
10 |
M. T. Westmoreland |
not out |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
- |
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(W7, LB3, B10) |
20 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 27.2 overs) |
106 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Strackher |
4 |
2 |
5 |
4 |
|
|
2 |
Brotherton |
3.2 |
1 |
11 |
2 |
|
|
3 |
A. Baumann |
1 |
1 |
0 |
1 |
|
|
4 |
Wilson |
5 |
2 |
9 |
1 |
|
|
5 |
French |
4 |
1 |
11 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
A. Wood |
5 |
0 |
30 |
1 |
|
|
7 |
P. Wood |
5 |
0 |
23 |
0 |
|
|
MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: M. Bullock’s slip catch Buffet
Award: M. T. Westmoreland’s dairy
banquet |
Opposition:
V044 / 01 Ground: G034 / 01 Captain: C012 / 02 |