“FFTMCC Triumphant in Pembroke Baking Competition”

Match: 07 / 148

Won by 16 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	164 - 9
I. Howarth 66, M. Reeves 30*
Cholsey CC	148 - 9
A. Fisher 3 - 25, D. Edwards 3 - 27

Sing a song of sixpence

A pocket full of rye,

Two and twenty cricketers

Baked in a pie.

It has been a strange summer of cricket for The MAD, a disjointed season of rain and stolen motorbikes, of missed matches and floods, and now the news has come that The MAD have lost Pembroke, their spiritual home for seven years, cruelly ripped away from them by shadowy college string-pullers and money men who care little for the game of cricket, and why should they when they can earn a few more bucks by hiring the ground out to Japanese summer students for sunbathing on the square? Maybe turn the fucker into a golf course, they like that in Japan, don’t they? Or a baseball diamond for the visiting Yanks?

“This pie doesn’t cut the mustard, Kev.”

But with The MAD’s days there all but over, this was the last time they would face Cholsey on the Pembroke turf. The sun was out when Mad skipper I. Howarth won the toss, and still shining when he walked to the wicket with D. Edwards, fresh from a catch in the slips four days before, the home birth of his second daughter, Daisy. Opening the bowling Damirchi (0-22) and Sargeant (0-13) for Cholsey probed and gave little away, but the watchful Mad opening pair built steadily, and cashed in when Nathaniels (0-34) came on first change.

It was only when Cholsey skipper Andy Chapman brought on his pie men that things began to change. Though not strictly authentic pie, Haigh (3-27) was able to combine the use of deft spin with a fine selection of flans and quiches and clean bowl three of The MAD top order through the gate. Edwards fell first, after a watchful 14. N. Hebbes (4) was next, his equilibrium disturbed by the sub-continental style appealing which was going on all around him, then G. Carter went for a duck, all playing around the turning ball. Meanwhile, A. Small (7) had run himself out through what seemed like sheer enthusiasm and a rampant desire to gallop willy-nilly down the pitch no matter what. “Yes!!” he cried, setting off with bewildering speed after hitting the ball straight to the close fielder. “No!” replied I. Howarth slouching indifferently at the non-striker’s end, and it was A. Small, not I. Howarth, who trudged back to the pavilion head in hands.

The MAD collapse mid-innings in the face of Cholsey pie (not cheese).

Keeping it simple, Chapman brought on Hough (3-32), usually medium pace, but today bowling pie due to an injury. His appetizing array of apple turnovers and bilberry tarts saw The MAD lose 3 wickets on 109, with skipper Howarth launching himself at a jam donut on 66 and finding himself stumped. It was another important knock from The MAD skipper, who is having a fine time of it, and might well have notched his second century of the season had not the greed for pastries seduced him into recklessness. Now Matt Bullock (0) eyed up a cream bun and was out bowled, after which M. Clarke (0) soon followed, top edging a pastie to square leg. The MAD were collapsing, five wickets in five runs, a familiar tale and one with seldom a happy ending.

But M. Reeves and A. Fisher (23) had other ideas. Making 55 for the 8^th wicket, they saw off the cakes until in the last over left-armer A. Chapman (pie) put himself on a hat trick, with Fisher and J. Hoskins (0) snatching too keenly at the chicken and leek lattices coming their way. One ball left, and Chapman had more pie in the larder, and A. Mann coming to the wicket. Mann is having his worst ever season with the bat, though it is difficult to muster much enthusiasm for it from the No. 11 spot, where facing just one ball is a real treat. More by luck than judgment he raked his back foot across the stumps to keep out the final plum pudding as it pitched outside leg and rolled daintily towards middle. M. Reeves remained not out on a timely 30.

Pie Man A. Fisher (23) is well versed in the Way of Pie.

The MAD had dragged themselves up to 164-9, and after a tea of sweet and savoury pies, went out to bowl in their turn. In defiance of the pie men, who clamoured for an old piece of smeared red leather, cut up and bruised, with which to bowl, a shiny new ball was taken. A. Mann (7-2-0-14) made the mistake of bowling line and length and found himself frustrated by the batsmen who by and large opted to play him correctly and build towards victory. N. Hebbes (4-0-21-1) threw in the occasional éclair, and was rewarded with a wicket as M. Clarke took a nice catch at point to dismiss Jackson for 9, but generally speaking Hebbes’ probing line outside off-stump was a ridiculous idea which was never going to get him anywhere. Then J. Hoskins (3-0-21-0) stepped up, and his clever variations of pace and spin were promptly thrashed to all parts by Nash and Sargeant. Likewise, the cultured left-arm seamers of M. Reeves (2-0-19-0) were tonked around the ground.

The visitors were cruising at 68-1, but Mad skipper Howarth had a trump card up his sleeve, and knew that the Cholsey team were ever partial to a bit of meringue and chocolate roll. Bringing on D. Edwards (7-1-27-3) was a master stroke, and his combination of dipping length balls mixed in with banana cake and ring donuts brought a creeping doubt into the minds of the Cholsey batsmen. As Edwards took control and spun his web of pies, Sargeant (24) succumbed lbw, and the belligerent Nash (33) and Damirchi (18) were not long in following.

J. Hoskins ended with pie on his face after not treating it seriously.

The difficulty with pie is the time it takes for the ball to arrive after leaving the pie man’s hand. For decent batsmen who like hitting out, that moment of decision can come too late. They know how to defend the quicker ball, or instinctively dispatch the fast loose one. But the pie man taunts them with his dainties, which look so inviting as they loop slowly through the air, and too often they grasp eagerly at the sugary offerings and find themselves caught on the boundary or bowled for their greed.

Encouraged by his success with Edwards, Howarth then turned to A. Fisher, and the game was as good as over. An acknowledged Master of Pie, who has taught many a young Pie Man his craft, a bowler who is Pie Aware, a man whom some believe knows fully the secrets of the ancient and mysterious Way of Pie, Fisher began with a series of treacle tarts, then moved on to a sequence of donut-lemon sorbet-donut. With hardly a break to consult his recipe book, he unleashed the Bakewell Tart and two or three gingerbread men in quick succession, lobbed in a couple of cupcakes, then finished off with the dreaded sausage roll. After which Cholsey found themselves all but lost, with Chapman (26), Gilbert (0) and Clayton (2) all back in the pavilion. Man of the Match Fisher finished with 3-25 from 5 overs. The Doyen of Pies had struck again as he had so often before.

M. Clarke (0) hates pie, but Joe Puppy and Billy Puppy love pie.

Indeed so shell shocked were Cholsey by this assault and bakery that M. Clarke (1-0-9-1) was able to pick up a wicket with a decent delivery, before M. Bullock (0.3-0-2-1) came on and wrapped things up, bowling Nathaniels for 2 with a wobbling blancmange.

The MAD had won by 16. Possibly they deserved to win, and possibly Cholsey did not deserve to lose. But the real winner on the day was pie.

‘Blocker’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Cholsey CC Played at Pembroke College, 26 August 2007 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 16 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

07 / 148 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth *	st Nash b Hough	66	(61)	11	-	5-106
2	D. M. Edwards	b Haigh	14	(54)	2	-	1-63
3	N. J. Hebbes	b Haigh	4	(9)	-	-	2-82
4	A. Small	run out	7	(7)	1	-	3-104
5	G. Carter +	b Haigh	0	(7)	-	-	4-105
6	M. K. Reeves	not out	30	(41)	6	-	-
7	M. Bullock	b Hough	0	(3)	-	-	6-109
8	M. D. Clarke	c Haigh b Hough	0	(3)	-	-	7-109
9	A. J. Fisher	b Chapman	23	(24)	3	-	8-164
10	J. D. Hoskins	b Chapman	0	(1)	-	-	9-164
11	A. G. Mann	not out	0	(1)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB1, W12, LB4, B3)	20
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 35 overs)	164

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Damirchi	7	0	22	0
2	Sargeant	6	0	13	0
3	Nathaniel	5	0	34	0
4	Haigh	7	1	29	3
5	Hough	7	1	33	3
6	Chapman	4	1	27	2

Team	Cholsey CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. Nash +	b Edwards	33				3-92
2	P. Jackson	c Clarke b Hebbes	12				1-29
3	A. Sargeant	lbw b Edwards	24				2-68
4	A. Chapman	c Hebbes b Fisher	5				4-94
5	A. Hough	c Howarth b Clarke	26				8-141
6	J. Gilbert *	lbw b Fisher	0				5-109
7	S. Clayton	b Fisher	2				6-111
8	A. Damirchi	b Edwards	18				7-137
9	J. Haigh	not out	4				-
10	J. Nathaniel	b Bullock	2				9-148
11
	Extras	(W12, LB2, B8)	22
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 29.3 overs)	148

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Mann	7	2	14	0
2	Hebbes	4	0	21	1
3	Hoskins	3	0	21	0
4	Reeves	2	0	19	0
5	Edwards	7	1	27	3
6	Fisher	5	0	25	3
7	Clarke	1	0	9	1
8	Bullock	0.3	0	2	1

MOTM: A. J. Fisher Champagne Moment: N. Hebbes’ catch at long off Buffet Award: M. K. Reeves’ Marlborough éclairs (with extra chocolate)

Opposition: V033 / 08 Ground: G011 / 49 Captain: C007 / 31