“Minutes of Misery: An Office Mismatch”

Match: 07 / 142

Won by 9 wkts

Team	Total
Oxford University Offices	112
J. Harris 3 - 15, M. Bullock 3 - 22
FFTMCC	116 - 1
G. Littlechild 94*, N. Hebbes 18*

1:33 First members of The MAD entourage arrive at Pembroke.

1:34 General rumbles abound re lack of a certain* match report.

1:35 General whinge about the weather (this is to be a continuing theme throughout the day).

1:50 Talk again returns to the lack of a certain* match report.

1:51 A quick weather whinge followed by the dissecting of a certain library-based cricket team and their performance the week before.

1:54 Nick, Stevie P, Moo, Ian and Matt discuss P’s Neighbours and the rumoured sighting of an incredible-hulk like figure in Cholsey.

1:55 General state of worry as the Offices still only have five players in Whites.

1:56 Minor outbreak of Tourettes Syndrome – Stevie P’s reasons unclear.

1:57 Conversation gravitates towards Kev’s weather-predicting ability.

1:58 General grumbles turn into a whole team rant about how crap the weather is – not how crap THE weather is, but just how it seems to be a bad idea as a whole at the moment.

Kev (left) hates cricket, but he likes watching it piss down on us.

1:59 Discussions continue about where a certain* match report is.

1:59 Everyone looking blankly at the pitch and presumably having the same thought - ‘Glad I’m playing today’ followed by “Where the hell is that sodding match report?”

2:00 Coin panic – Captain Howarth has forgotten his lucky coin (if it exists). All Mad minds focus on the skip’s near-deliberate inability to win the toss.

2:01 Stevie P spotted impersonating Superman, with Nick kindly providing the theme tune. Impromptu conversation about the likelihood of Superman being able to fly backwards.

2:01 First cob of the day as Skipper Howarth loses the toss and launches Amy Dobner’s pocket money into the outfield (he hasn’t reimbursed her yet).

2:02 Our glorious Mad leader sidles off the pitch to various supportive comments.

2:03 Opposition still at five members plus a surprisingly punctual Jake.

2:04 Two members of The MAD (who will remain nameless) seen dry-humping the ground in what can only be described as some sort of Cro-Magnon version of callisthenics.

2:05 General silence - drizzle has been falling since 1:57.

2:07 The rest of the Offices turn up. Rumours of Boon’s non-appearance now appear to be fact (alas).

2:08 Drizzle intensifies.

2:09 FFTMCC take the field and begin catching practice in what is now turning into light rain.

“I’ll jump on her back and you give her a smack with that beaker!”

2:11 The light rain turns into a sort of drizzle. One that isn’t quite rain and isn’t quite drizzle – more of a pizzle if anything.

2:13 Pizzle turns into drizzle or is it rain?

2:14 Water still coming out of the grey thing that used to be called the Sky.

2:15 J. Hotson spotted playing with a calculator.

2:15 Stevie P seen polishing the ball as the first two Offices batsmen brave the wet stuff and come out to join their already damp opposition.

2:17 Steady first delivery from the Hulk impersonator – it is immediately obvious the ball is wet. In fact the bowler is wet… and the batsmen… and the wicket keeper… the grass is wet too….

2:18 Stevie D seen warming up on the boundary – he looks limber and up for it if although slightly wetter than he should be at this time of year. That is to say there is water on him that shouldn’t be there – I mean that it wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t Summer** in England.

2:19 WICKET! 1-1 Watery celebrations as Rundle (0) misses a Cholsey special and sees his stumps splattered all over the soon to be sodden place. Rundle cleverly avoids a minor TFC by bowling later and seeing his three moist overs flayed round the ground.

2:20 Stevie D’s first over – his first ball lifts sharply and cracks an aggrieved Sula on the buttocks.

2:20 A definitely not dry Calypso misses a sharp-ish chance.

2:21 WICKET! 2-2 Sula (0) holes out to a slightly moistened M. Bullock.

2:22 S. Dobner induces a soggy inside edge which narrowly misses leg stump. This is followed by a full bunger which somehow remains unhit.

“Look, Molly – your mum can work a digital camera! Clever mummy.”

2:24 Grey clouds mass over the far edge of the ground. The monsoon is coming!

2:27 First boundary – not sure what happened… I was planning my next holiday.

2:30 First bovine stroke of the day – Stevie D unlucky not to claim a wicket.

2:31 First wild smear of the day – Stevie D unlucky not to claim a wicket.

2:33 Parkinson full bunger induces an edge which fails to fight its way through the drizzle to the keeper.

2:36 S. Dobner full bunger smeared to the boundary (again).

2:37 Captain Howarth beginning to take on the appearance of Captain Ahab.

2:38 First squelched appeal of the day – unsure of culprit as my glasses had a funny kind of water on them.

2:40 Stevie P misses a sharp caught and bowled and goes down like a dying swan – shades of Cristiano Ronaldo, although I’m not sure if Portuguese wingers like lying on soggy grass.

2:41 Dying swan act 2 – an action replay in the truest sense in that Steve missed the ball again.

2:44 A best-in show moo off a non-waterless Dobner delivery. Wet grumbles of approval from the boundary.

2:45 Change of bowler: A. Small to replace the Hulk (4-0-15-1) from the Dying Swan End.

The OU Office total was supplemented by pie.

2:46 WICKET! 31-3 Mr. Small aquaplanes in and bowls Eskiw (13) with a less than dry length ball. He then charges down the wicket roaring in a manner not dissimilar to Marco Tardelli. If you are not familiar with Marco Tardelli then just check out the next Mr Small celebration and you should be able to work it out. It suffices to say that any bowler who rejoices in a wicket like he’s just scored a 69^th minute goal to give his country a two goal lead in a World Cup final should be given his dues.

2:52 Change of bowler: Calypso to replace Dobner (4-0-16-1) from the Non-Dying Swan End.

2:52 WICKET! 34-4 Davies (1) goes cheaply as Calypso somehow combines a soused ball with a dank wicket to create the holy grail of spin bowling (at this level) – a ball that spins. Non-Tardelli like celebrations.

2:57 A. Darley hits a generous A. Small offering to the long-on boundary.

2:58 A. Darley hits another A. Small tempter to the increasingly slimy square leg boundary.

3:01 D. Edwards nearly blinded by the spray as the ball skims past his outstretched hand (various Mad players claim it is a deliberate cock-up).

3:04 WICKET! 52-5 A. Darley (10) bowled by Calypso – not sure if the ball turned or not as there was some water obscuring the distance between my eyes and the distant swamp where a game of cricket was happening.

3:11 No notes for a while as nothing non-water based happened. Suddenly “one run short” comes the call from the Umpires – oh, the excitement!!!

3:12 Comedy appeal A. Small – no takers.

Billy’s notes of the day were excellent. Or were they all bollocks?

3:15 WICKET! 62-6 A saturated Emerson (34) departs caught M. Reeves bowled J. Harris (5-2-15-3).

3:18 WICKET! 63-7 Brookes (0) departs clean bowled by a clearly dewy M. Bullock.

3:19 J. Hotson (Judas) gambles out to the wicket.

3:21 WICKET! 64-8 Davies Jr (0) fails to learn from Brookes and leaves the field of play clean bowled by a slightly less dewy M. Bullock (5.5-0-22-3). There is no water falling from anywhere.

3:24 WICKET! 67-9 A. Small (6-0-30-2), revelling in his role as Dying Swan End bowler removes Sharpe (0) for the fifth Offices duck and seventh clean bowled Mad victim.

Gap in the space-time continuum – i.e. no timings as I was skidding out to bat….

J. Hotson apparently enraged by the state of the British summer cracks 32 runs in a vicious display of power hitting thus wrenching the Judas batting award from M. Westmoreland’s hooves. I (M. Clarke) help him put a record Office 10^th wicket partnership of 45 on whilst protecting my average – even though my score of 15 not out doesn’t actually count towards my Mad average….

3:55 Decision taken to turnaround and have tea later.

4:02 A. Darley opens the bowling for the Offices. It’s raining again.

4:04 First boundary – G. Littlechild torpedoes the ball to the long-on boundary.

4:05 Second boundary – G. Littlechild skims the ball to the mid-wicket boundary.

4:06 Third boundary – G. Littlechild edges the ball to the boundary bit where balls go when you have edged them.

4:07 Fourth boundary – G. Littlechild doesn’t edge the ball to the boundary but it is a boundary if you know what I mean.

4:08 Fifth boundary – G. Littlechild hits another boundary.

4:09 First non-boundary in this over as G. Littlechild elects to take a single of the last ball of the over.

4:16 Starts pissing down.

MAD openers M. Westmoreland and G. Littlechild’s surnames are too long.

4:17 Tea taken.

4:21 An overly happy N. Hebbes pronounces himself well satisfied with the tea although slightly disappointed at the non-appearance of a new sandwich variety in 2007.

4:22 Hebbes vs Hoskins heated discussion of all things sandwich.

4:34 Post-tea / pissing down session commences.

4:35 One dog pitch invasion.

4:36 End of pitch invasion (Joe Puppy returns to master for a bollocking).

4:37 It’s raining again.

4:39 WICKET! 29-1 A lightly soaked Moo (1) departs bowled by Darley. I. Howarth bemoans “What kind of a fucking shot was that?”S. Parkinson quips “That was shit. I should be opening.” D. Edwards grumbles “Slogger.”

4:39 All Mad players sympathise with a returning M. Westmoreland as soon he gets within earshot.

4:40 Cholsey’s favourite ship (N. Hebbes) sets course for the wicket surely relishing the wet conditions.

4:40 A confident Cholsey party-stopper takes over the scoring duties

4:41 S. Parkinson (scoring) “I’ve lost the score already….”

4:42 S. Parkinson “It’s ok I’m spot on.”

4:43 S. Parkinson “Its back on track. You’ve just got to remember the score is 30 and not 31.”

4:46 S. Parkinson “I’m terrified of what to do with wides!”

4:47 G. Littlechild exquisite cover drive for four runs.

4:47 S. Parkinson “I’m not doing balls. Balls suck.”

4:48 Titanic shows good funnel power to take a sharpish single. S. Parkinson (gleefully) “Go on get him out… oh, bollocks!”

4:49 G. Littlechild lofted drive for four.

4:50 G. Littlechild late cut for four moves on to 40 plus out of a total of fifty.

4:51 D. Edwards and the Skip caught moaning. One of them was heard to opine “Waste of a day” and it wasn’t Ian, though he grumbled about everything else.

4:52 M. Westmoreland “I think I’m losing the will to live….”

The cricket bored Clare to tears….

4:53 G. Littlechild moves on to fifty.

4:54 G. Littlechild reverse sweep for a non-boundary.

4:57 Thunder heard overhead.

4:58 M. Reeves (padded up) “I’m looking forward to not batting today….”

4:59 G. Littlechild plays another non-boundary shot.

5:01 G. Littlechild survives a leg-before appeal. S. Dobner (leaving the pavilion) “I’d have given that out from here.”

5:03 A. Darley drops a catch. J Hoskins “Do you think he swore then?”

5:04 A. Small caught guiltily drinking milk straight from the jug.

5:06 Joe Puppy starts eating someone’s box.

5:07 – 5:13 A steady procession of boundaries and non-boundaries from G. Littlechild mixed with a few shots that looked like they would be boundaries but weren’t; a few shots that looked like they might be boundaries and eventually were; some shots you knew wouldn’t be non-boundaries as soon as he hit them; some shots that definitely should have been boundaries and deservedly were, and some shots that had the potential to be either boundary or non-boundary and sometimes were one and sometimes the other. In short he hit the ball a lot. He hit it very hard and more often than not it went to the boundary.

5:14 First non-Littlechild boundary (Hebbes) for The MAD.

N. Hebbes (18*) selfishly ruined Gary’s chance of a ton.

5:19 G. Littlechild hits the winning runs having scored 94* out of a total 116. I’m still not quite sure how he managed to achieve this splendid feat, but I think it was something to do with scoring a lot of boundaries whilst not completely forgetting to hit non-boundaries.

5:20 Sod off to the pub.

Final match comments from the Pub:

T. Smith “Who drained the holy milk jug?”

N. Hebbes “Is it still too late to start the fines committee?”

M. Reeves “I’ve nothing to say.”

M. Bullock “Erh, I don’t know.”

J. Hotson “We lost it in the field.”

I. Howarth “Seriously, what a waste of a day. What is the fucking point?”

J. Hoskins “What?”

A. Small “Grunt!”

D. Edwards (still grumbling) “That was crap. I feel depressed.”

C. Edwards (wife of) “Cheer up, Dan.”

M. Edwards (baby of) “Ag-aaa-g-g-ggh-ag-ag.”

Duggers (scorer from opposition) “I’m so sorry about today.”

A. Darley (opposition skipper) “Thanks, Boon – for leaving me in the fucking shit.”

A cracking day out for Office skipper, A. Darley.

* - The match report in question dates back to May 20th, and was the sole responsibility of one Dave Shorten (not that it’s ever mentioned).

** - Summer is one of the four seasons of the year. In the West, the seasons are generally considered to start at the equinoxes and solstices, based on astronomical reckoning. In English-language calendars, based on astronomy, summer begins on the day of the summer solstice and ends on the day of the autumn equinox. When it is summer in the in the Northern Hemisphere, it is winter Southern Hemisphere, and vice versa. However, because the seasonal lag is less than 1/8 of a year (except near large bodies of water), the meteorological start of the season, which is based on average temperature patterns, precedes by about three weeks the start of the astronomical season. According to meteorology, summer is the whole months of June, July, and August in the Northern Hemisphere, and the whole months of December, January, and February in the Southern Hemisphere. Today, the meteorological reckoning of the seasons is gaining broader acceptance, but in England, summer is still generally regarded as a fucking joke.

‘Billy Liar’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Oxford University Offices Played at Pembroke College, 15 July 2007 Oxford University Offices won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 9 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

07 / 142 35 over match

Team	Oxford University Offices
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Emerson	c Reeves b Harris	34		6	-	6-62
2	M. S. Rundle	b Parkinson	0		-	-	1-1
3	J. Sula	c Bullock b Dobner	0		-	-	2-2
4	C. Eskiw	b Small	13		1	-	3-31
5	G. Davies	b Harris	1		-	-	4-34
6	A. Darley *	b Harris	10		2	-	5-52
7	J. Davies	b Bullock	0		-	-	8-64
8	Brookes	b Bullock	0		-	-	7-63
9	J. C. W. Hotson	b Bullock	32		3	-	10-112
10	C. Sharpe	b Small	0		-	-	9-67
11	M. D. Clarke	not out	15		3	-	-
	Extras	(NB1, W6)	7
	TOTAL	(all out, 26.5 overs)	112

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Parkinson	4	0	15	1
2	Dobner	4	0	16	1
3	Small	6	0	30	2
4	Harris	5	2	15	3
5	Bullock	5.5	0	22	3
6	Howarth	2	0	13	0

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. S. Littlechild +	not out	94	(51)	15	-	-
2	M. T. Westmoreland	b Darley	1	(7)	-	-	1-29
3	N. J. Hebbes	not out	18	(28)	2	-	-
4	M. K. Reeves
5	D. M. Edwards
6	S. L. P. Dobner
7	S. B. Parkinson
8	M. Bullock
9	A. Small
10	J. Harris
11	I. Howarth *
	Extras	(LB1, B2)	3
	TOTAL	(for 1 wicket, 14.2 overs)	116

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Darley	4	0	20	1
2	Rundle	3	0	36	0
3	Sharpe	4	0	23	0
4	Sula	3.2	0	34	0

MOTM: G. S. Littlechild Champagne Moment: A. Small’s wicket celebration Buffet Award: I. Howarth’s soggy caramel buns (with extra filling)

Opposition: V035 / 07 Ground: G011 / 46 Captain: C007 / 27

Match Fines