“The MAD Re-Homed as Jake Fails to Make Lunch”

Match: 08 / 153

Won by 8 wkts

Team	Total
Bodleian	46
J. Hoskins 3 - 5, M. Reeves 3 - 12
FFTMCC	47 - 2
S. Dobner 24, D. Edwards 19*

With a gap in the typically woeful early summer weather, the Far from the MCC were astounded to learn groundsman Nick Duval had declared the water retentive pitch at Stratford Brakes as being suitable for a day’s cricket. He was quite correct, though couldn’t possibly have known the standard of cricket served up would be bettered by pitch side toddlers Amie D and Molly Edwards. Whilst their dads were scratching about in lamentable style out in the middle – these two blonde look-a-likes were scything a bright orange ball around, unfurling some sweetly timed pull shots into a pram and park bench….

“No chance of Dan making use of this today, huh?”

June 1^st 2008 would be the FFTMCC’s first official match at their new home of Stratford Brakes in Kidlington. An over-zealous college had brought the curtain down on the use of Pembroke College Sports Ground, and although its passing would be marked with a sentimental tear, many of the team were appreciative of no longer having to traverse thorn-riddled pathways and graffiti-daubed bridges just to play some bloody cricket. The KCC pavilion put Pembroke’s dishevelled and antiquated shack to shame, with the female restroom now thankfully located away from the stench and wet of the male changing rooms. A bar and canteen were atop, with the balcony affording luxuries views over an expanse of… some featureless fields, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, miles away from the centre of Oxford….

With the new venue came new responsibilities. The MAD had now had changing rooms they had to lock and unlock, a scorebox to lock and unlock, stumps and boundary markers to put out and bring back in… the list went on. Christ, it was like playing for a real fucking cricket team! And who the hell was taking ownership for looking after the damned keys anyway?

Steve struggles to play the right line to a rolling ball.

Securing the toss, returning skipper and newlywed, I. Howarth, had little hesitation in inviting the opposition to bat first on what looked a rather encouraging track for the bowlers. Indeed it was, seaming and popping off a length as the ball rapidly became a ball of mud. The Bodleian’s decision to whallop anything up to the bat was ill-conceived, with A. Mann (5-1-6-1) and M. Reeves (5-2-13-3) celebrating a clatter of wickets. Ant scooped a plumb lbw, whilst Mike reaped the benefit from some unusually assured Mad catching [S. Dobner’s ankle-high effort after an immobile lunge into the turf was probably the highlight]. A ridiculous run out would further leave the visitors reeling on 19-5.

In light of recent history against a struggling Bodleian, the collective concentration of The MAD now began to wane. A yawning D. Edwards, hands firmly entrenched in pockets, barely registered a ball whistle past his ear at slip. Neither did he move to one that slid off the bat almost landing on his shoelace. Elsewhere, J. Hoskins happily gazed at the clouds whilst recalling his gambling in Vegas a few weeks earlier, and Stevie D left the field at one point, to go and retrieve Amie’s plastic stumps after a bunch of local kids decided to make off with them [a really dumb idea]. All that seemed to galvanise The MAD or snap them out of their catatonic torpor, was the reassuring sight of G. Littlechild hurling his gloves to the floor and howling in derision at yet another “blatant fucking stumping” being turned down….

The Bodleian would be eventually indebted to one G. Robinson (14), whose few lusty blows towards the end of their innings gave their total a modicum of respectability [if 46 all out can be considered in any way respectable]. He would be one of three victims who would fall foul of J. Hoskins’ (2.4-0-5-3) treacle tarts – some of his delicacies spinning fully ninety degrees in the mud. Howarth (3-1-2-2) knocked a couple of batsmen out with head-high doughnuts, whilst A. Small (3-1-3-0) and B. Mander (3-0-16-0) went wicketless with their respective egg-flan and sausage rolls.

The Bodleian celebrate J. Hotson’s early demise.

Time for tea – or at least it would have been, if it were not for the premature ending of the Bodleian innings. The arrival of players in the pavilion was met by furrowed brows from the tea ladies. It was far too early for lunch. Way too early. Thus it was decided The MAD would begin their reply, with a break taken mid-innings when teas were ready. Without further ado, J. Hotson and S. Dobner strapped on the pads and went out to bat. Amusingly, with the small matter of 14 runs on the board, back came Jake (2) after edging behind. With tea taken just minutes later, Hotson would be famously quoted, stating “nobody told [him] we were playing for lunch….”

On resumption, the doughty D. M. Edwards tried his best to get himself out. Twice he edged past his stumps, and when Robinson grassed a sitter, any remaining Bodleian optimism went the way of the catch. It was thus left to Mr. Dobner to exact the winning runs, whacking a nice floaty doughnut over wide mid-on, before being pouched by a jubilant S. Ackland for 24. Bypassing his brother-in-law on the way back to pavilion, Steve was informed his shot was that of an “utter wanker”. It was an opinion that found warm support from most who witnessed it – even his wife. A few balls later however, and it was all over – Edwards (19*) and Littlechild (1*) nudging the required runs and protecting their averages.

So that was that – after all the inclement weather and moaning, there had, at last, been some cricket. Unfortunately there hadn’t been much of it… and what there was, was unfortunately pretty forgettable.

D. Edwards (right) joins Essex tailender, S. Dobner.

‘Spam’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Bodleian Played at Stratfield Brake, 1 June 2008 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 8 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

08 / 154 35 over match

Team	Bodleian
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. F. Milner	c Dobner b Reeves	9		-	-	2-9
2	A. R. Paterson	lbw b Mann	0		-	-	1-9
3	A. J. MacKinnon	c Small b Reeves	4		-	-	4-19
4	A. H. Colquhoun	run out (Dobner/Littlechild)	0		-	-	3-14
5	T. P. Gallagher	c Hotson b Howarth	5		1	-	6-19
6	M. D. J. Neely	c Mann b Reeves	0		-	-	5-19
7	S. G. Ackland *	c Mann b Howarth	0		-	-	7-21
8	M. R. Kauffmann	b Hoskins	1		-	-	8-32
9	E. A. Ball	b Hoskins	6		1	-	9-37
10	G. A. Robinson	c Mander b Hoskins	14		3	-	10-46
11	D. F. Busby	not out	0		-	-	-
	Extras	(NB1, W4, LB1, B1)	7
	TOTAL	(all out, 21.4 overs)	46

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Mann	5	1	6	1
2	Reeves	5	2	13	3
3	Howarth	3	1	2	2
4	Small	3	1	3	0
5	Mander	3	0	16	0
6	Hoskins	2.4	0	5	3

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	S. L. P. Dobner	c Ackland b Paterson	24	(46)	3	-	2-44
2	J. C. W. Hotson	c Ackland b Robinson	2	(8)	-	-	1-14
3	D. M. Edwards	not out	19	(43)	1	-	-
4	G. S. Littlechild +	not out	1	(2)	-	-	-
5	A. Small
6	A. G. Mann
7	B. J. Mander
8	J. D. Hoskins
9	M. K. Reeves
10	I. Howarth *
11
	Extras	(W1)	1
	TOTAL	(for 2 wickets, 16.3 overs)	47

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Ackland	3	0	9	0
2	Robinson	3	1	7	1
3	Milner	5.3	1	15	0
4	Paterson	5	1	16	1

MOTM: M. K. Reeves Champagne Moment: G. S. Littlechild’s non-stumping cob Buffet Award: B. J. Mander’s strawberry cheesecake (with cream topping)

Opposition: V023 / 11 Ground: G032 / 02 Captain: C007 / 34