“GET HIM OFF!!!!”

Match: 09 / 185

Lost by 96 runs

Team	Total
Louth CC	243 - 8
I. Howarth 3 - 40, J. Hoskins 2 - 25
FFTMCC	147
D. Edwards 42, I. Howarth 30

B-O-N-G!!!!!!!!!!

The clock above the lavish new Louth pavilion struck 3.02pm. Essex freeloader and skipper for the day, S. Dobner, turned to his aspiring young pie-chucker, I. Leggate, and motioned to him to bowl. “Ian, we need to turn this game around, we’re starting to get a tonking. You up to the task? Keep it tight, bake them well, and I’ll stick the team on the boundary with their buckets.” Ian, looking more like Hunter S. Thompson with each passing day, took hold of the worn and battered cherry before marking out his run up. All two paces of it. He surveyed his team mates on the boundary, flipped the ball in his hand, and tossed down his first pancake. SLAP!

Mr. Leggate (left) surveys the damage from “that” over.

….it was exactly 3.13pm when Mr. Leggate’s first and only over of the game came mercifully to an end. During these 11 minutes of abject misery, Ian managed fourteen deliveries including 5 wides and 3 no-balls – one of which, a shoulder-high toffee sponge cake, was swatted for six into a packed nearby gazebo [to hysterical applause]. In total, 26 runs were realised off the over, before it came to a somewhat ill-fitting, but merciful end [a dot]. During the surreal carnage, self-appointed Far from the MCC Tour Ambassador, Steve Parkinson, could be heard screaming from the balcony to “GET HIM OFF!!!!” It was an awful belittling experience for Ian, and you could only feel sympathy for him as each ball seemed to grow heavier in his hand – as he tried manfully to “[for fuck sake] get it right”.

Rolling landscapes from the Louth CC balcony [and invisible cricketers].

But let’s first rewind the day….

As is customary on Tour, the Far from the MCC invited their hosts to have a bat on warm and pleasant afternoon. Team MAD probably needed a stretch of the legs anyway, after all, they’d been cramped up in cars and vans for the best part of three hours as they’d made their way along endless windy A-roads from Oxford to Lincolnshire. Now they were finally here, they marvelled at a quite exemplary pavilion which towered above the new Louth cricket ground; and they were soon chirping up about the standard of the changing rooms too – so clean and new, the smell of paint still hanging in the air. Not that a new structure escaped the inquisitive eye of builder Dave Shorten, who soon pawed at a creaking toilet door. “Poor worksmanship this,” he started. “Very poor. You can’t have a creaking door when you need a shit. I can sort this out, however. Whatever they think it’ll cost – I’ll simply double it.”

Dave is fascinated my men’s toilets.

Dave, like most other “swing” bowlers when offered the choice of ends to bowl, simply lets a leaf swirl in the wind before decreeing he wanted to bowl “downhill” [with the wind across him]. I. Howarth had already resigned himself to ambling into the breeze as “workhorses” do, after Captain Dobner entrusted him to complement the builder in an opening salvo. Things started brightly enough with Howarth castling young H. Jefferson for a duck. Louth CC then made progress past 50 before the introduction M. Reeves (8-1-36-1) did for opener Hodgekins (23) – dismissed when T. Smith caught a skier at long off. Whilst this was an excellent catch by anyone’s standards, it is worth noting that Thornton’s hand span is roughly a metre in diameter – so for him not to catch a ball is really quite unacceptable. With J. Hoskins (7-1-25-2) taking a sharp caught and bowled, The MAD really should have gotten on top, but all this early success only served as a precursor to that Leggate over; as toxic a mix of yips and tonking as you could ever likely see….

A returning Howarth (8-1-40-3) arrested the slump in fortunes as Louth briefly tottered on 123-5, but with options limited, Mr. Dobner was forced to hand the ball to Mr. Westmoreland – a man recently afflicted with the [bowling] yips, and you could only feel a palpable sense of dread returning in the air. Mr. Parkinson, sat atop his lofty perch, slowly set his pint down on the table in front of him, clasped his head in his hands and muttered words of capitulation. “Jesus Christ, give me strength…. I organise a fucking tour to my home town of Louth, tell them we’re a semi-decent outfit – well worth their precious time, and we then bowl this fucking shite….” Indeed, after Martin’s first ball pitched a couple of feet in front of him and bounced half a dozen times before it reached the batsman, it suggested Martin had failed to address his mental frailties. Yet his skipper still had faith, putting an arm around Mooboy’s shoulder and telling him to “just fucking bowl. I haven’t got anyone else – and sooner or later it might just work. Maybe.” It certainly did, Martin’s (2-0-30-0) next ball reached the batsman after only one bounce – unfortunately, it sailed straight over his head and disappeared into some foliage in the distance….

“This dude has a black eye – and he has the bowling yips!”

With Louth scoring now accelerating alarmingly, despite another great catch in the deep by Mr. Smith [to dismiss the fluid G. West for 36)], Mr. Dobner (6-0-39-1) turned to himself to raise Mad spirits. Shuffling in despite a plethora of injuries, Steve bowled reasonably well for someone at death’s door [and for a man of his weight]. With D. Shorten (8-2-35-1) completing his stint at the other end, M. Roberts’ splendid 53 not out would eventually enable a Louth Select XI to post 243-8 off their 40 overs. An imposing total, but not one that the Tourists regarded as very imposing – more substantially over-fucking-imposing.

You have to hand it to the hosts, tea was an extremely enjoyable and affable affair – sitting on the balcony, with rolling wheat fields in the background, nibbling away at sandwiches and quaffing beer – this is what cricket teas should be about. With the bar now open, it was just a fucker the cricket match resumed.

Martin [no helmet] begins The MAD reply.

Opting to maintain seasonal continuity, Steve asked D. Edwards and M. Westmoreland to open up. Scoring was difficult in the early exchanges, and it became even more difficult when Martin top-edged a ball into his face. Thankfully the impact resulted in a lack of claret; however the balloon forming under his right eye soon rendered him retired hurt.

I. Howarth (30) took his place, and after an enterprising knock which shifted the score to 65-0, he stretched for a wide one and duly dollied a ball to point. It was brainless cricket at its retarded best, but Ian’s short stay at the crease had at least allowed Martin a chance to gather his thoughts – and those thoughts told him he should now wear a helmet. Horses, bolted etc etc…. Nonetheless, M. Westmoreland Part II (21) batted with great aplomb until he missed a straight one [the helmet was innocent in his demise].

S. Dobner (right) points out his contribution to The MAD reply.

Following Martin’s second stage exit, 95-1 would quickly become 119-8, as The MAD demonstrated to the Louth locals just how a “proper” collapse should be conducted. There was no fucking about here, his was the real McCoy. None of this “little cameo” business in the middle of the collapse, no shots of defiance, no pounding of the chest, just a steady fart becoming a full on shit as the inept players of the Far from the MCC were washed back into the changing rooms. S. Dobner and T. Smith bagged ducks, M. Bullock managed a Chinese cut for 1, J. Hoskins notched 3, I. Leggate 2, and J. Hotson a resolute 1. Standing at the other end during all of this carnage was Mr. Edwards. He must have wondered just quite what the fuck was going on, but drawing on previous experience of playing for The MAD, he probably knew exactly what was going on. Dan’s resistance eventually ended on 42 – with D. Shorten (9) out a few balls later and M. Reeves (4*) left protecting his average. All out for 147. Tidy.

A quality view of a quality collapse.

Game over, it was time for another time-honoured tradition, with The MAD congregating around the club bar and exchanging pleasantries with their genial hosts. “You were very good today,” explained Mr. Dobner to his opposite number. “Very good indeed. But we bowled and batted like penises, so surely we handed you the victory? I would say a modicum of effort on our part and we’ve got your number.” Graham West, ever the hospitable host, smiled and accepted The MAD skipper’s ideology “you are of course correct, Steve – how can we possibly claim victory in a game where you guys didn’t even break sweat? Thankfully, we can put that right in two days’ time and give you another good pasting. See you then. Ha ha.”

‘Spam’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Louth CC Played at London Road, 13 August 2009 Louth CC won the toss and elected to bat Louth CC won by 96 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

09 / 185 40 over match

Team	Louth CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. Hodgekins	c Smith b Reeves	23		4	-	2-56
2	H. Jefferson	b Howarth	0		-	-	1-8
3	N. Russell	c Shorten b Howarth	44		4	-	4-118
4	J. Irving	c and b Hoskins	13		1	-	3-88
5	J. Johnson	b Howarth	13		1	1	5-123
6	G. West *+	c Smith b Hoskins	36		5	2	6-178
7	M. Roberts	not out	53		8	-	-
8	M. Cannon	c Edwards b Shorten	22		3	-	7-221
9	L. Gibbs	b Dobner	0		-	-	8-227
10	O. Roberts	not out	4		1	-	-
11	E. Brindle
	Extras	(NB6, W17, LB3, B9)	35
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 40 overs)	243

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Shorten	8	2	35	1
2	Howarth	8	1	40	3
3	Reeves	8	1	36	1
4	Hoskins	7	1	25	2
5	Leggate	1	0	26	0
6	Westmoreland	2	0	30	0
7	Dobner	6	0	39	1

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	b Irving	42	(99)	7	-	9-138
2	M. T. Westmoreland	b Cannon	21	(43)	4	-	2-95
3	I. Howarth	c Jefferson b Gibbs	30	(32)	6	-	1-65
4	S. L. Dobner *	c West b Cannon	0	(4)	-	-	3-95
5	T. P. W. Smith	c Russell b Gibbs	0	(9)	-	-	4-98
6	M. Bullock	c Cannon b Gibbs	1	(16)	-	-	5-103
7	J. D. Hoskins	b Jefferson	3	(4)	-	-	6-106
8	I. C. Leggate	c Hodgkins b O. Roberts	2	(10)	-	-	7-115
9	J. C. W. Hotson +	b Johnson	1	(5)	-	-	8-119
10	M. K. Reeves	not out	4	(5)	-	-	-
11	D. Shorten	c Russell b M. Roberts	9	(7)	2	-	10-147
	Extras	(W22, LB6, B6)	34
	TOTAL	(all out, 39 overs)	147

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	O. Roberts	8	4	20	1
2	Brindle	8	2	26	0
3	Cannon	6	2	19	2
4	Gibbs	8	1	35	3
5	M. Roberts	4	3	8	1
6	Jefferson	2	1	7	1
7	Johnson	1	0	8	1
8	Russell	1	0	4	0
9	Irving	1	0	10	1
Note: M. Westmoreland retired hurt and returned after the fall of I. Howarth

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: T. P. W. Smith’s low catch on the boundary Buffet Award: I. C. Leggate’s marijuana thick-crust pies (with extra spice)

Opposition: V053 / 01 Ground: G044 / 01 Captain: C008 / 09