“MAD Lose Match after Day on the Piss”

Match: 09 / 186

Lost by 48 runs

Team	Total
KEVIS Old Boys CC	239 - 9
M. Westmoreland 2 - 17, N. Hebbes 2 - 21
FFTMCC	191 - 9
I. Howarth 62, D. Shorten 42

A night on the piss is sometimes compared to a race. A race whereby you go from “A” to “B” in a specified length of time – known as “C”. “A” would be sober and “B” would be wankered. It’s certainly not athletics, but it certainly seems to be held close to heart by amateur sportsmen [and women for that matter]. So is it a sport? Personally I don’t think so, I regard it more as a companion for an evening out; others would disagree, such as Ian Botham, Alan Lamb, Doug Walters and the irrepressible, David Boon. To them, the drinking aspect of their “game” was almost as important as their playing side – a badge of honour. Mr. Walters would never retire to bed after a day’s test cricket, unless he found himself alone at the hotel bar. Sometimes he stayed alone at the bar thereafter; at least until the hotel proprietor summoned the guys responsible for the team to shift him. Even then, the Tour manager would often have to broker a deal to get Doug away from the bar – with incentives like “go to fucking bed you clown or you’re out the team.” That sometimes did the trick. Sometimes not.

The MAD’s Tour Ambassador (centre) demonstrates his tact.

The Friday leg of The MAD’s Tour of Louth seemed like a marathon, only ran at 400 metre pace. At least it felt like that. Many of the party awoke in their respective sleeping quarters with a hangover from Thursday evening, and within hours found themselves slumped on the banks of Louth CC to watch a day’s cricket between the home side and the Women’s England Cricket Team. It was a festival, and a very well attended one – with bars, beer tents, barbeques, and er… more booze that people brought in bags. The match itself didn’t finish until after 7 sometime, by which time most of The MAD were oiled to the eyeballs and talking out of synch. In true fashion, they then pushed on into the town of Louth to get furtherly carted at The Masons, The Wheatsheaf, The Boars Head, The Greyhound and a ball at the town hall in honour of the illustrious visitors that day. It’s not to say that the tourists remained in one orderly party, far from it. The MAD splintered into smaller parties as the evening wore on, with these parties furtherly disintegrating into tiny groups – and some of these groups becoming a lone individual lost and inebriated. Most made it back to bed. Some of them not.

I think there was some eating at some point in the evening – a pizza restaurant down the road. Others wobbled off to the town’s takeaway strip to sample local fish and chips. It’s just hard to recount the exact order of events, but I do remember being escorted to one of the town’s shittiest nightclubs by our “Tour Ambassador”; on the proviso that knowing “him” would open doors for “me” in this town…. Quite which doors is open to debate, but judging from said night club [Samuels – a darkened chav filled cellar], the door he was referring to would be the toilet door – hanging loose above a pool of piss and vomit….

I didn’t make the ball; I left that pleasure to other members of the Tour party – and these gentlemen did the club proud by being asked to behave before getting themselves thrown out. They obliged I’m happy to relate, but their drunken shenanigans left them hopelessly adrift of their senses come Saturday morning.

On the piss watching the ladies cricket.

Saturday morning…. Ouch.

On arrival back at the Louth CC ground for the KEVIS Old Boys fixture, it quickly became apparent that many of the squad were the worse for wear. Some were drinking soft drinks, some sleeping on the grass banks, and others simply staring into the distance trying to recount the evening before. It was a shambolic mess. When team kit courier, Dave Shorten, opened the back doors of his van, you would hardly call it a clamour for bags. Elected skipper for the day, M. Reeves, surveyed his squad – today was going to be a long fucking day….

A good job Joe Puppy didn’t see the state of his owner.

After Mike quickly lost the toss, Mad hopes were briefly raised when N. Hebbes pouched a smart catch at square leg off his skipper’s (8-0-39-1) bowling. Thereafter these hopes began to wane as The MAD began to accept the inevitable – a good natured tonking. D. Shorten was erratic [read poor], J. Hoskins (3-0-24-0) bowled rubbish, and I. Howarth (3.3-0-25-0) retired hurt midway through his spell citing a shoulder injury – though most people thought he left the field to puik. It was all very crap to be honest, and Mike despaired.

Thank goodness for Essex stalwart S. Dobner, who after protesting more terminal injuries, managed to make the breakthrough after receiving a similar tonking. A nice slower one did for J. Connor (56), whereas a shit half-tracker did for N. Russell (26) – another catch at square leg for N. Hebbes. At this point the KEVIS Boys were 174-3 and with plenty of overs in the bank, memories of a certain trip to Tetsworth some many weeks ago began to flood into the subconscious….

Chasing leather – a true MAD pastime.

A despairing Mad skipper turned to his lesser bowlers and prayed to god. He chose the wrong god when praying for D. Edwards (3.3-0-31-0) – whose burger stall was completely sold out after less than 4 overs. However, Mike did pray for the right god when asking M. Westmoreland (3-0-17-2) to turn his arm over – who, after 433 days without a wicket, and at least 2 years of carrying the bowling yips around him, finally – FINALLY – hit the timber! M. Smith (74) was the unlucky batsman who must have wondered what all the fuss was about. One brought two [as you do], with Martin claiming another scalp when Edwards caught J. Irving (6) in the outfield. Amazing. After the earlier blitzkrieg, it was an excellent riposte from the tourists to restrict the home side to 239-9 off their allotted overs [Hebbes (5-0-21-2) and Shorten (8-0-32-2) bowling smartly at the death].

Time again for tea, and time again for Mike to find something else to despair at. This time it was his batting order. Mike had apparently spent many an hour formulating who was doing what and when – and who should do the when with the what. As it transpired the team had decided between themselves what they were doing. None of them were opening the batting, and all of them were batting at number six or seven. “I’m a little stiff” stated Martin, “I’m still pissed” mumbled Dan, “I couldn’t give a fuck” snarled Thorn, “I’m the best number 12 this team has ever had” joked James, “I haven’t had my cigarette and cup of tea yet” yawned Jake – and so it went on…. At this point Mike finally snapped and hurled his piece of paper on to a table declaring “I’m the skipper and that’s the fucking order! Ian, Nick – pad up!” With that, Mike stalked off into the depths of the pavilion leaving the team in no doubt about his feelings.

Howarth (62) leads The MAD reply.

The MAD reply almost got off to one of the most comical and ridiculous starts in their short 10 year history – with Howarth well short of his ground after being turned back first ball of the innings by Mr. Hebbes. It was uncertain whether Steve Parkinson [umpiring at square leg] would have given it, as his view of the run out was slightly obscured by a fielder – but any decision was taken out of his hands by the KEVIS keeper, M. Smith, who decided not to appeal. It was an act of great sportsmanship and well worth noting in this report.

Nick’s (2) stay at the crease would however be rather limited as he spooned a catch to square leg, and T. Smith’s (9) stay wasn’t much longer. But then followed an unlikely partnership between the two Ian’s. Whilst Howarth was at his fluent best, Mr. Leggate (12) surpassed his previous best of just 2 as they went on to celebrate a fifty partnership – with Howarth’s booming drives being complemented by Gonzo’s flicks and swipes. It was all good fun, with the highlight [or lowlight] being the amusing single they ran to a ball that stopped inches from the long off boundary. They could have ran five or six to be honest, but convinced it would go for a boundary they hardly bothered running at all – in fact Howarth was almost ran out at the other end.

Ian and Ian [batting].

After Howarth (62) departed caught at deep cow, M. Westmoreland (6) came and went, as did J. Hotson for a golden – the latter spending the rest of the day bemoaning his luck and the fact he never gets a chance to build an innings. Nor has he had any nets, and nor had he woken up sufficiently before midday to ever get to go to a net. It was good fucking moan though – one which continued into the evening, and into the night, and into the early hours of the morning as he zig-zagged back to his farmhouse accommodation….

So who got the much-touted number six spot then? Tour Ambassador, S. Parkinson, that’s who. Chest puffed out, head held high, it took all of a handful of deliveries before [mate] P. Bexon had had enough of his posturing and peppered him with a few short ones. One slammed into his shoulder, the second crashed into his helmet. It was lucky Steve was wearing a lid, as failure to do so might have orphaned his new child. The unsavoury incident left him groggy, and it goes without saying he brought all of his amateur dramatics to the fore. The game eventually got back underway when someone mentioned the use of a stretcher. Strangely, nigh miraculously, Steve then recovered.

S. Parkinson wears one after excessive posturing.

Thereafter an entertaining period of play saw Parkinson and a swashbuckling, D. Shorten, take the game to the hosts, unfurling some lovely straight drives and the odd cavalier moo to cow corner. They added 67 before Shorten (42) stupidly gave his wicket away heaving one into the air. But that’s how Dave bats, and that is the way David has always batted – so nobody can really argue with his method: block by numbers, then give one a seriously good tonk.

The Mad eventually totalled 191-9 with Parkinson protecting his average [if not his dignity] on 26 not out. Contributing to a late flourish were D. Edwards (11), M. Reeves (1) and M. Bullock (1*). It all left J. Hoskins saddened on the boundary that he never got a chance to bat at number 12 – a position agreed on by the teams beforehand due to an excess of numbers. So, The MAD still do not have an 11^th wicket partnership record, nor a high score [or any score] at number 12. Unlucky James.

D. Shorten (right) watches G. West’s pie trajectory.

Banter was extremely good natured after the game, with the Louth personnel doing themselves proud with their generous hospitality and love of the game. They have left a good impression on the Far from the MCC, and I would be surprised if we never Tour the place again.

The tourists eventually left the ground to retire back to town, where they naturally dragged up sufficient energies to get plastered all over again – safe in the knowledge that knowing Stephen Parkinson had definitely opened doors in Lincolnshire for The MAD.

‘Spam’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus KEVIS Old Boys CC Played at London Road, 15 August 2009 KEVIS Old Boys CC won the toss and elected to bat KEVIS Old Boys CC won by 48 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

09 / 186 40 over match

Team	KEVIS old Boys CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	H. Jefferson	c Hebbes b Reeves	6		1	-	1-18
2	M. Smith +	b Westmoreland	74		2	4	4-190
3	J. Connor	b Dobner	56		6	1	2-118
4	N. Russell	c Hebbes b Dobner	26		3	-	3-174
5	J. Johnson	b Shorten	38		4	1	9-234
6	J. Irving	c Edwards b Westmoreland	6		1	-	5-199
7	P. Bexon	c Reeves b Shorten	3		-	-	6-221
8	J. Dixon	c Westmoreland b Hebbes	0		-	-	7-226
9	W. Henderson	b Hebbes	0		-	-	8-226
10	E. Brindle	not out	2		-	-	-
11	G. West *	not out	3		-	-	-
	Extras	(W5, LB3, B17)	25
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)	239

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Shorten	8	0	32	2
2	Reeves	8	0	39	1
3	Hoskins	3	0	24	0
4	Dobner	6	0	33	2
5	Howarth	3.3	0	25	0
6	Edwards	3.3	0	31	0
7	Hebbes	5	0	21	2
8	Westmoreland	3	0	17	2
Note: D. Edwards completed I. Howarth’s over after he retired

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth	c Russell b Dixon	62	(70)	10	1	3-90
2	N. J. Hebbes	c Johnson b Henderson	2	(13)	-	-	1-11
3	T. P. W. Smith	c Brindle b Dixon	9	(19)	1	-	2-37
4	I. C. Leggate	c Irving b Russell	12	(46)	-	-	5-100
5	M. T. Westmoreland	c Smith b Connor	6	(16)	1	-	4-99
6	S. B. Parkinson	not out	26	(30)	5	-	-
7	J. Hotson	b Russell	0	(1)	-	-	6-100
8	D. Shorten	c Dixon b Henderson	42	(25)	5	2	7-167
9	D. M. Edwards	b Brindle	11	(9)	1	1	8-184
10	M. K. Reeves *	c Johnson b Henderson	1	(6)	-	-	9-185
11	M. Bullock +	not out	1	(6)	-	-	-
12	J. Hoskins
13	S. Dobner
	Extras	(NB1, W14, LB4)	19
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)	191

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Henderson	8	2	27	3
2	Brindle	8	0	39	2
3	Dixon	8	0	40	2
4	Johnson	4	0	17	0
5	Jefferson	3	1	3	0
6	Connor	3	0	13	1
7	Russell	3	1	13	2
8	Irving	2	0	13	0
9	West	1	0	22	0
Note: J. D. Hoskins and S. L. Dobner fielded but did not bat

MOTM: D. Shorten Champagne Moment: D. M. Edwards’ straight six Buffet Award: D. M. Edwards’ jelly pudding (with saucy cream)

Opposition: V054 / 01 Ground: G044 / 02 Captain: C017 / 02