“The WCPFHM”

Match: 09 / 183

Won by 2 wkts

Team	Total
Wootton & Bladon CC	134 - 6
D. Shorten 3 - 8, I. Howarth 2 - 7
FFTMCC	138 - 8
I. Howarth 58, A. Darley 20

Imagine a small black box, about the size of a shoe box. It’s made of an early form of black plastic, Bakelite perhaps. For its size, it’s immensely heavy. On it is a small needle display, going from green to red, and two tiny LED lights. It has a retractable aerial, like on a radio and two thin spidery wires coming from it. It is a distant and more ancient cousin of the cobometer. This is the ‘wecouldpossiblyfuckitupfromhereometer’. Also known as the ‘wcpfhm’. It sits in front of the pavilion and is silent.

The ‘wcpfhm’ is just out of shot by the Brasenose pavilion.

Blue fluffy white clouds and some sunshine welcomed the arrival of the fat boys of Wootton and Bladon. Howarth was in optimistic mood. “Moo has won the toss in about the last five matches, he’s bound to lose it today.” This presumably is the alternative to “Moo has lost the toss in about the last five matches, that useless tosser is bound to lose it today”. So it was and Moo did lose the toss, although not a bad one. On a drying pitch it was a marginal decision. We were in the field.

First up was D. Shorten (7-3-8-3.) Anyone with him in their fantasy team was again rubbing their hands. He has been a consistent high performer this season who again didn’t disappoint. At the other end was D. Emerson (6-3-13-0.) Dave was suffering a bit, having been at Bridge Club last night. Making the contract of three no trumps from the South position to win the final rubber in the West Oxford division three bridge league had really taken it out of him. There was rumours of a fight ensuing and him being ejected from the club. Don’t mess with those maiden aunts again Dave.

The game was only five overs old, when who should arrive? Was it the ghost of WG Grace floating in from the boundary? No it was Crash, having overslept. Overslept for a 2pm start, impressive mate.

“Yeah, the puppy is down to a trim 16 stone now. Sure smells, though.”

On a slow pitch W&B were struggling, scoring only six runs off the first seven overs. First change was S. Dobner (7-1-24-0) and M. Reeves (7-0-36-1.) Dobner bowled very tidily, nothing loose from the Essex child minder. Reeves had a huge shout for a caught behind. The umpire heard nothing. That made three of them then, him and two hill farmers in the Outer Hebrides.

Emerson was holding up remarkably well in the field. Often he would see three balls coming towards him at once. Stopping the middle one proved a good strategy, although when it increased to four balls, things got interesting and comic. A. Darley (6-0-30-0) and I. Howarth (2-0-7-2) bowled very tidily at the death. What a miserly bunch the FFTMCC attack is developing into. As the teams left the field for tea, a total of 134 had been posted. Mutterings of “not a bad score on this pitch” were heard, but surely, surely it would be a stroll in the park to reach 135.

“Mum told me we didn’t buy any pies from Tesco’s?”

D. Edwards (16) and M. Westmorland (3) opened The MAD innings. Things were proceeding smoothly when Darley, batting at 5, pronounced “I hope we lose some wickets soon, I fancy a bat today”. With this the ‘wcpfhm’ sparked into life. The two LEDs came on red for five seconds and then went out. The needle twitched into the amber zone before returning to green. The very next ball our skip was castled. Howarth now replaced him. The former skip playing with much more freedom this year, unencumbered with the role of captaincy. Crucial to this contest was over 19, where 17 runs were scored, massive in the context of a low scoring game.

One fortunate feature of the Brasenose pavilion is that the balcony is in permanent shade in the afternoon. Team and spectators therefore didn’t have to endure the blistering temperatures in the high 60’s experienced out in the middle. Despite evidence to the contrary, it must have been hot, otherwise why else would first Edwards and then Howarth call for drinks after only 30 minutes of play? Get on with it you dehydrated jessies.

Soon after the 50 partnership, Edwards (16) was also bowled. Dobner (1) shone briefly before getting a low one. With a big stride forward he was hit on the back knee, on the ground. Moo had no choice but to give it. So Darley (20) got his wish and strode to the crease. Howarth played confidently for 58 including a straight six which plugged into the soft turf just in front of the sight screen. He was eventually out playing a little too freely, but had set a very strong base, at 102 for 4, surely, surely we couldn’t fuck it up from here?

Howarth (58) nurdles to leg.

At 119-4 things were going fine. After being out of bed for nearly four hours, A. Fisher (14*) was just about hitting top gear. The W&B scorer was heard to comment “not far to go now, only 16 needed”. Cue rueful smiles from several MAD players. Then suddenly the ‘wcpfhm’ again kicked into life. There was a sound like a lathe starting up. Both LEDs came on red and then turned green, the needle moved firmly into the amber. Darley was promptly bowled by our long standing chum and principal fat boy S. Poole.

Out came M. Clarke (4.) Bowl, swish, thwack, four. Bowl, swish, miss, bowled. The ‘wcpfhm’ emitted a low hum, the two LEDs were now flashing alternately and the needle was touching the red. It calmed down as D. Emerson (0) walked out. You should have aimed for the one on the right Dave. We know there were now five balls coming at you, but trying to hit all of them was never going to work. The ‘wcpfhm’ was now vibrating, the lights were flashing red and green and the needle was firmly in the red.

A. Fisher (left) can only look on in horror as The MAD collapse.

Next up M. Reeves (2.) A tickle behind and he was gone, 128-8. Surely, surely, surely. The needle of the ‘wcpfhm’ was now off the scale, it was shaking violently and there was a smell of an electrical fire.

W&B scorer “six overs left, only six needed, should be no problem”. Two wickets man, two wickets, its Milton all over again. The ‘wcpfhm’ was now dancing like the Essex boys on a night out with Jodie Marsh. Sanity was restored when D. Shorten (6*) walked calmly to the crease where he and A. Fisher bought us safely home. M. Bullock, padded up on the boundary heaved a sigh of relief. On the ‘wcpfhm’, the motor slowed and the whirring stopped. The needle returned to green and the lights went out.

‘Reevsie’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Bladon CC Played at Brasenose College, 2 August 2009 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 2 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

09 / 183 20 over match

Team	Wootton & Bladon CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. Hambridge	b Reeves	30				2-59
2	T. Poole	b Shorten	1				1-5
3	T. Clapham	c Westmoreland b Howarth	51				6-133
4	S. Poole *	b Shorten	9				3-73
5	N. Hambridge	b Shorten	9				4-85
6	T. Argenio +	b Howarth	12				5-122
7	W. Dale	not out	2				-
8	S. Harding	not out	0				-
9	S. Edwards
10
11
	Extras	(W4, LB4, B12)	20
	TOTAL	(for 6 wickets, 35 overs)	134

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Shorten	7	3	8	3
2	Emerson	6	3	13	0
3	Dobner	7	1	24	0
4	Reeves	7	0	36	1
5	Darley	6	0	30	0
6	Howarth	2	0	7	2

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	b Clapham	16	(62)	-	-	2-59
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	b Edwards	3	(13)	-	-	1-9
3	I. Howarth	c Edwards b Clapham	58	(49)	7	1	4-102
4	S. L. Dobner	lbw b Clapham	1	(8)	-	-	3-74
5	A. Darley	b S. Poole	20	(28)	4	-	5-119
6	A. J. Fisher	not out	14	(17)	2	-	-
7	M. D. Clarke	b S. Poole	4	(2)	1	-	6-123
8	D. Emerson	b Hambridge	0	(4)	-	-	7-126
9	M. K. Reeves	c Argenio b T. Poole	2	(2)	-	-	8-129
10	D. Shorten	not out	6	(12)	1	-	-
11	M. Bullock +
	Extras	(NB2, W6, LB1, B5)	14
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 32.3 overs)	138

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Edwards	7	2	18	1
2	Harding	7	1	16	0
3	Clapham	6	0	50	3
4	S. Poole	7	1	28	2
5	A. Hambridge	3.3	0	19	0
6	T. Poole	2	1	1	1

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: D. Shorten’s wicket with a slower ball Buffet Award: M. K. Reeves’ soggy marshmallow pudding (with mustard)

Opposition: V027 / 12 Ground: G040 / 06 Captain: C011 / 16