“MAD Suffer Tour Hangover in Cholsey Warzone”
Match: 09
/ 188
Lost
by 8 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCC |
110 - 7 |
|
M. Westmoreland
34, S. Dobner 28 |
|
|
|
|
|
Cholsey CC |
111 - 2 |
|
I. Howarth 1 - 8 |
|
|
Under the stewardship of
Chief Technician
Dobner, last year’s Mad manoeuvres out in Cholsey turned out to be tragically
ill-advised. A quite shocking day saw the visitors succumb to a 192 run
defeat to 7.5 villagers – and beaten out of town without a semblance of
fight. It was a dark day in MAD History – and one that veterans of that day
still find difficult to talk about. A year had since passed,
and with a new Brigadier in charge, would the redeployment of more troops in
the Cholsey killing fields bring about any more success? Success in finally
vanquishing those fateful and dispiriting memories of that horrible day in
2008.
Brigadier M. Westmoreland now wears a lid after
copping a bullet at Louth CC. There were ominous
portents for the day as soon as the brigade arrived at the Red Lion pub for a
pre-match beer. Private Emerson and ‘La di Da’ Gunner Howarth had both colluded on the journey
to the village on who wanted to do what on the day – and suggested to
Brigadier Westmoreland that they reverse their roles for the day. To their
amazement, Martin accepted their suggestion and called their bluff. “Fine,
guys. If that’s what you want to do, then you do it. Dave – you’re opening
the batting with me, and Ian – you can open the bowling and bat where that idiot usually bats. Don’t let me
down. Failure is not an option. Certainly not today.” An intriguing win of the
toss left Brigadier Westmoreland with an intriguing decision to make. As this
skirmish wore on, did he think this arid wasteland of a pitch was going to
further resemble an Iraqi football pitch, or was it going to flatten out as
the sun beat down? Intriguingly, Martin opted to bat first – memories of The
MAD’s last slaughtering in the trenches evidently only too raw [they fielded
first that day].
D. Emerson (0) misses one of the four balls he
can see. The decision immediately
looked a poor one as soon as the ball started to go through its various dance
routines – popping, grubbing, seaming and jarring. Occasionally the bowler
could even get one to explode off the surface, much like an incoming
rocket-propelled grenade; at other times he could bowl one wide of the stumps
and watch it cut in like a wicket-seeking missile. But none of this myriad of
probabilities had a hand in Private D.
Bless. For the 45 minutes or
so, Chief Technician Dobner
(28) and the doughty Westmoreland (34) fought bravely to fence off any flying
shrapnel, but it was tortuous going. You could never really time anything –
or properly see the enemy in the long grass in the outfield. Martin
eventually fell after one sortie too many, but entertained all with his
theatrical annoyance at copping some fire. Mr. Dobner followed soon after –
his dot strewn innings failing to find applause from Captain D. Edwards, as
our erstwhile blocker was in the Green Zone of Cowley celebrating his
daughter’s Birthday. Progress was marginally enlivened by Major Darley’s (12)
brief cameo which included a nice straight six, but mortar fire put paid to
him after his armour plating came undone. The MAD innings would
eventually stall on 110-7 after Captain Clarke (3) strayed dumbly into
machine-gun fire, Second Lieutenant Bullock (9) hit an improvised landmine,
and ‘La di Da’ Gunner
Howarth (0) triggered a roadside bomb [and a chorus of sledging from his own
platoon]. It all left Corporal Fisher (8*) and Sergeant Reeves (1*) to carry
their fallen comrades back to camp. Tea was then served up
at Camp Edam, and casualties treated. Deserters Bombardier Leggate and Field Marshall Hoskins
were summarily flogged for their failure to help The MAD cause. Mr. Hoskins
was particularly annoyed at his treatment citing “I am the best soldier this
brigade has ever had, how dare you accuse me of desertion! I should have been
leading our men into this battle, not sat on the sidelines;
and for the record – I am probably the best Brigadier this unit has ever
had.” It is perhaps worth noting, that food served at the camp contained
several alternatives to the famous Cholsey cheese – perhaps the local dairy
farm had suffered a direct hit?
Cob. After repelling The MAD
Unit attacks, the Cholsey war machine got rolling. ‘La di Da’ Gunner Howarth (5-3-8-1)
repaid some of his Brigadier’s trust by prising out S. Haigh for 8, but
Sergeant Reeves (5-0-22-0) was less accurate – eventually being withdrawn
from the tank turret after his ammunition failed to make a dent. Field Marshall Hoskins
(5.3-0-20-1) dodged some flak, but otherwise took hits to his reinforced
panelled jeep – the one bright spot being R. Sweirgon
(23) holing out to an excellent catch on the boundary by Captain Clarke [at
the second attempt]. Thereafter, the battle that waged was all one way
traffic, with Cholsey star Ali D (29*) the most damaging with his anti-tank
missiles. Private Emerson (4-0-26-0) woke up just in time to see napalm blitz
his final over, whereas a weary Chief Technician Dobner (5-0-12-0) and Major Darley (3-0-7-0) failed to take
out any of the Cholsey snipers despite using expensive camouflage.
“Adie, this is shit.” “Agreed, Warnie – this is
turd of the smelliest form.” With a sorry MAD platoon
retreating, Field Marshall
Hoskins threw a final hand grenade in anger – predictably it failed to go off
as the villagers of Cholsey planted their flag with 8 wickets to spare.
Stretchering their wounded comrades, The MAD decamped back to the Red Lion in
the village, where Brigadier Westmoreland proclaimed “that was pitiful – the
lowest of the low. I will never listen to anybody ever again. In fact, that
was so bad – I am resigning from
next week’s skirmish in Holton. Sergeant Reeves will be taking over. Bugger
the lot of you.” ‘Mr. Mannering’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Cholsey
CC Played at Cholsey, 23 August 2009 Far from the MCC won the toss and
elected to bat Cholsey CC won by 8 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none |
09 / 188 35 over match |
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
D. Emerson |
c Ali b O. Harrison |
0 |
(6) |
- |
- |
1-2 |
|
2 |
M. T. Westmoreland * |
c and b Swiergon |
34 |
(61) |
6 |
- |
2-65 |
|
3 |
S. L. Dobner |
b B.
Harrison |
28 |
(79) |
2 |
- |
3-81 |
|
4 |
A. Darley |
b Ali |
12 |
(17) |
- |
1 |
4-89 |
|
5 |
M. D. Clarke |
c Helgerson
b B. Harrison |
3 |
(11) |
- |
- |
5-93 |
|
6 |
M. Bullock + |
b B.
Harrison |
9 |
(20) |
- |
- |
6-104 |
|
7 |
A. J. Fisher |
not out |
8 |
(14) |
- |
- |
- |
|
8 |
I. Howarth |
b Ali |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
7-105 |
|
9 |
M. K. Reeves |
not out |
1 |
(1) |
- |
- |
- |
|
10 |
I. C. Leggate |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
J. D. Hoskins |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(NB2, W4, LB4, B5) |
15 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 7 wickets, 35 overs) |
110 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Swiergon |
7 |
2 |
22 |
1 |
|
|
2 |
Thomas |
7 |
1 |
18 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Harrison |
4 |
1 |
11 |
1 |
|
|
4 |
McKeown |
5 |
2 |
19 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Ali |
7 |
1 |
17 |
2 |
|
|
6 |
B.
Harrison |
5 |
0 |
14 |
3 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Cholsey CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
S. Haigh |
b Howarth |
8 |
(17) |
2 |
- |
1-13 |
|
2 |
R. Swiergon |
c Clarke b Hoskins |
23 |
(46) |
3 |
- |
2-51 |
|
3 |
O. Harrison |
not out |
33 |
(74) |
3 |
- |
- |
|
4 |
D. Ali |
not out |
29 |
(28) |
5 |
1 |
- |
|
5 |
A. Goldsmith |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
6 |
H. Abramall |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
7 |
B. Harrison |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
8 |
R. Thomas |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
9 |
T. McKeown |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
T. Helgerson |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(W2, LB7, B9) |
18 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 2 wickets, 27.3 overs) |
111 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Howarth |
5 |
3 |
8 |
1 |
|
|
2 |
Reeves |
5 |
0 |
22 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Hoskins |
5.3 |
0 |
20 |
1 |
|
|
4 |
Dobner |
5 |
0 |
12 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Emerson |
4 |
0 |
26 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Darley |
3 |
0 |
7 |
0 |
|
|
MOTM: S. L. Dobner Champagne Moment: M. D. Clarke’s catch
after he dropped it (initially) Buffet
Award: D. Emerson’s sleepy Kiwi
steak burgers (with alcoholic relish) |
Opposition:
V033 / 11 Ground: G026 / 08 Captain: C011 / 18 |