“The Match Report Thief Inspectorate”

Match: 09 / 177

Won by 5 wkts

Team	Total
Oxford University Offices	86 - 9
I. Howarth 5 - 5, D. Emerson 2 - 14
FFTMCC	87 - 5
D. Emerson 36*, M. Westmoreland 20*

My recent foray into deepest darkest Oxfordshire was extremely pleasurable indeed. As an Inspector, I like to Inspect things, and my good friends Far from the MCC called me to investigate at, what would first seem a 'disheartening' case of theft? But upon closer Inspection the theft was a clever ploy to widen the Investigation of the 'Grass is always Greener' theory. For they had come across (by no doubt dubious means) an Opposing Teams Match Report of a recent Twenty20 tussle held at Jesus College in the very heart itself of Oxford Collegism. They invited me to digest the opposing Match Report (in green Palatino Linotype), and compare to facts that they had given me according to their own records.

Herewith my analyses, with my comments in BLUE:

Jake (centre) texts the groundsman to say James is crapping on a bench.

Uni Office CC v FFTMCCC

<Even in the title I note some interesting facts. It appears 'Uni Office CC' don't even know who they are playing, despite having clashed with FFTMCC for almost seven years, sharing several social occasions and having several players stolen from their ranks by FFTMCC. This I put down to either a total lack of respect, or a spelling mistake, which, being associated with the University is a travesty in itself. Of course it could be something to do with the fact that FFTMCC have mutated their name so many times, that Offices actually don't care what their opponents are called any more, and anyway, there are far too many C's>

Jesus College 10th July 2009

It was a fine summer’s eve at the Jesus College cricket pitch when these two titans of the game got together to decide once and for all who could down the most—I mean display the best cricketing skillz.

<FFTMCC players inform me that they never enter drinking competitions, and don't contain any pissheads in their Team. They are equally confused however about the concept of cricketing skills, however it is spelt.>

A pointless photo of a tractor. At Jesus College.

Having won the toss (*spoiler alert!* about the only thing that the Offices won on this occasion) the Skip and his paunch sauntered over to inform us we’d be first up in smacking the ball all over the pitch against these boozed up Madders—and that HE in his Skipping prowess and glory would be undertaking the responsibility of opening the batting. Hurrah! This should be good….

<FFTMCC players inform me of a hilarious jape that preceded the coin toss involving said paunchy Captain receiving a hoax call while inspecting the groundsman's tractor. This he left himself particularly open to having appeared at the ground under some pressure as all of his confirmed players appeared to be dropping out with Swine Flu, or had other commitments. The Offices skipper failed to recognise the voice of the ex-MAD skipper, who pretended to be a player stranded at Jordan Hill expecting the game to start at 17:30>

<FFTMCC players also inform me they were not 'boozed up' merely enjoying an after work swifty before commencing their traditional pre match warm up of 7.5% cider>

With thoughts of his 1 run innings in the previous weekend’s Tour still dancing in his head, the Skip settled in gingerly along with the trusty (*spoiler alert!* or not so trusty on this occasion) Mustard aka “that kiwi”.

After prodding the opening bowlers for cracks in the FFTMCC field, Skip decided to flex his muscles straight to mid-wicket—unlucky Skip!

<FFTMCC have no comment about this mostly factually correct statement although dispute the fact about Darley's 1 run inning the previous weekend when it clearly states in the score book that the innings consisted of three dots before he cowed one to the tiny hands of I. Howarth waiting on the boundary>

Tony (left) is amused by the idiot on his right.

Mustard—clearly affected by the loss of the big guy—succumbed under vociferous anti-kiwi chants, often coming from that traitor (and fellow kiwi) Prog.rock…with not a run to be had…

<Strange, the accused stole Kiwi remembers nothing of the anti-Kiwi chants, and we have never heard him proffer anti Kiwi chants in the field unless he has had one too many 7.5% ciders pre-match. Oh, bearing that fact in mind, maybe he did make those chants after all>

Thankfully, the Offices had a bit of punch left in ‘em as Kevin “Dyno” Rodd strode out to produce a composed 16, whilst being unaffected by the French capitulation that was Vincent’s canard…merde—signed by an Emerson catch.

<FFTMCC would like to point out in this point of the game, when Uni Offices were flayling around at 19 for 4 off 6 overs, we did not consider their attack to be particularly 'punchy'. This statement would also seem to be backed up by the tirade of abuse thrown at them by their own players on the Boundary politely reminding them that this *was* a f%&*ing 20/20>

Backed up by Thomas’s splendid 27 (who is this guy??) and a typical Psycho enthused 19 (brought to a halt by Emerson’s 2^nd wicket—honestly, I’m gonna break your legs mate), the Offices skidded to an all out total of *gulp* 86…They were let down by some truly delightful poor play at the tail-end of the order as Sharpe and Scottish Ross ducked out—a couple in golden fashion.

<Agreed who *was* that Thomas guy? FFTMCC inform me that Uni Offices shouldn't worry too much about who this Thomas guy is, he will probably playing for them next season.>

The victorious MAD are applauded as they trudge off.

They sometimes talk of “games within the games” and the Farenga-Emerson clash had been eagerly anticipated (well, by Farenga and Emerson anyway).

<FFTMCC also often talk about games within games, but suffice to say that they did not expect to bowl Uni Offices out within the allotted 20 overs thus having the possibility of playing two games in forty overs.>

The ex-housemates had become bitter rivals as the cleaning rota disintegrated in the weeks leading up to the Warwick St Split—and now threatened to spill out onto the pitch. Emerson—backed by his 2 wickets thus far—unleashed some bowls off-stump that produced mighty swings—and whiffs—from “Le Dennis”…strike 1…striiiiiike 2!!! But an unlikely (ok, accidental) blocking shot provided Dennis with a run and Emerson could only watch and grumble as the truly inspired Howarth claimed Dennis as one of his five-haul with the first bowl of the next over. Sorry Emerson—sucka!!!

<FFTMCC also keen to note the one sided nature of this intriguing Match Report, although they have been known to exhibit Self Importance in many other areas of cricket, Match Reports is generally not one of them. Strange that this report fails to mention the unbeaten bat of D. Emerson, an amazing display of batting prowess striking a sparkling 36, including a huge maximum off the bowling of Mayfair. This historic (historic due to the fact that it was his first MAD innings over 20) was hit at a strike rate of no less than 163.6363r.

It also fails to mention the Captain's innings of an unbeaten 20. M. Westmoreland bringing the team home after a minor batting collapse caused by J. Hoskins (0) claiming he could beat the Offices even playing under the darkness of his sunglasses in failing light. Also the Offices report appears to talk down Howarth's five-for, which must surely be held up in lights with figures of 4-1-5-5. Not only this, I don't think I have ever witnessed, in just four overs of bowling the spectacle of TWO Hat-trick balls….

Howarth pulls a gay pose with that ball.

And Offices…*where* are your photos?

All in all though, an interesting comparison of events from the scribes of both teams.

Long may this good humoured rivalry last – cricket can remain to be the outstanding winner, not to mention the Landlord of the Marsh Harrier where the teams decided to quell their unending thirsts.>

‘Match Report Inspector’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Oxford University Offices Played at Jesus College, 10 July 2009 Oxford University Offices won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 5 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

09 / 177 20 over match

Team	Oxford University Offices
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. Darley *	c Westmoreland b Howarth	5		-	-	2-5
2	H. Coleman	c Westmoreland b Howarth	0		-	-	1-5
3	K. Rodd	c Reeves b Smith	16		1	-	4-33
4	V. Manaut	c Emerson b Reeves	0		-	-	3-9
5	A. Thomas	c Edwards b Emerson	27		2	-	5-83
6	M. Rundle	c Edwards b Emerson	19		3	-	9-86
7	Sharpe	b Howarth	0		-	-	6-86
8	S. Faranga +	b Howarth	1		-	-	7-86
9	R. Mather	b Howarth	0		-	-	8-86
10	K. Rodd	not out	0		-	-	-
11	Mayfair
	Extras	(NB1, W5, LB8, B4)	18
	TOTAL	(all out, 19.1 overs)	86

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Howarth	4	1	5	5
2	Reeves	4	0	14	1
3	Clarke	2	0	3	0
4	Hoskins	1	0	3	0
5	Smith	3	0	22	1
6	Edwards	3	0	18	0
7	Emerson	2.1	0	14	2
Note: K. Rodd batted twice

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	c Faranga b Manaut	3	(7)	-	-	1-6
2	A. M. Mander	b Manaut	5	(11)	-	-	2-19
3	T. P. W. Smith	c Rodd b Sharpe	8	(7)	2	-	3-19
4	M. K. Reeves	c Faranga b Mayfair	8	(8)	1	-	4-39
5	D. Emerson	not out	36	(23)	5	1	-
6	J. D. Hoskins	b Mayfair	0	(1)	-	-	5-45
7	M. T. Westmoreland *	not out	20	(16)	2	-	-
8	M. D. Clarke
9	G. Carter +
10	I. Howarth
11
	Extras	(W3, LB2, B2)	7
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 12.1 overs)	87

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Sharpe	3	0	20	1
2	Manaut	2	0	11	2
3	Mayfair	2	0	15	2
4	Thomas	3.1	0	21	0
5	Coleman	2	0	18	0

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: M. K. Reeves’ tumbling catch in the outfield Buffet Award: T. P. W. Smith’s vegetarian hotpot (with cabbage sides)

Opposition: V035 / 09 Ground: G019 / 03 Captain: C011 / 10