“MAD’s Army”

 

 

Match:  09 / 171

Lost by 207 runs

 

 

Team

 

Total

Tetsworth CC

358 - 8

J. Hoskins  4 - 63,  A. Darley  2 - 41

 

FFTMCC

151

I. Howarth  57,  D. Edwards  48

 

 

 

 

They stood, arms linked, deep in thought watching the wildflowers blowing gently in the wind. United together in memory. The boarded up shed, peeling up vc windows and a deserted Volvo, hinting to the sacrifice of the fallen. Senseless bloodshed all those years ago….

 

 

 

The guns sound a salute at the same time every year.

 

 

2009. Captain Mooboy held council in his tent. “Right chaps, we need a plan. We all know that it could get very messy, and us officers will need to make tough calls.” “Indeed…” quipped corporal Darley, procurement - in war casualties is inevitable.” “Collateral damage…” chirped Anzac Emerson whilst sipping another dakari “if the natives get restless, we may have to advance at nightfall. Full frontal daytime assault would surely be suicide.” “Agreed, suicide...” mused Moo. “Best I try to negotiate….”

 

 

 

 

“You want to bat, man? Cos if you do what you want to do, we don't need to throw a coin.”

 

Surely it was too simple, an elaborate calculating smoke screen. Moo dithered, his Ampelforth education (hidden) didn't allow for a change in the rules of engagement.

 

“I say, this is cricket, not despotism. I call tails.”

 

“Ok man, no sweat. Then we bat, but I'll give you time to clear out da women n’ kidz.”

 

Opening exchanges went well. Darley and Emerson finding their range. Private Hebbes taking a glancing blow to the wrist but Mad lines holding. Some return fire from opposition Jackson with a local hostelry suffering some shrapnel. Lieutenant Hoskins, hairdressing, arrived into the action having recently had a vehicle upgrade. Hoskins promptly felled the opposition captain with a flighted delivery, “it came out of da sun man, it was slow, real slow” whispered he to his stretcher bearers. “Use da Shallow….”

 

 

 

Introducing “da Shallow”….

 

 

“Ere, Dobner?” “Yes, Howarth?” “What's da Shallow?” “Don't know mate, but cap will look after us, he promised I'd be back playing with me young-uns  in Stevenage's golden pasture next month. Young Amy D will be nearly three, Kim says she's changing fast and she always asks when daddies coming home....” “You're right Dobs, look he's waving us over….”

 

“Right lads, change of attack. Hoskins has tweaked a freckle and needs a rest. I want you to go over the top, take out da Shallow. Officers Emerson and Edwards will cover the flanks, medic Bullock will be on hand to give support, but remember medics aren't involved in the fighting, they just laugh a lot - good for morale.”

 

"Yes, sir - what's a Shallow?” “Sorry chaps, urgent call from blighty, just need to retreat to this secure underground bunker for an hour or so - any issue change with Hebbes, he's expendable too, I mean dependable - toodle pip!”

 

 

2009jun14a

 

H. Shallow’s defensive genius is there for all to see….

 

 

Privates “Twinkle” Dobner bowled 5 conceded 79, 1 wicket. Will be missed. Ian “Spamley” Howarth bowled 4 conceded 74 - hit 5 times consecutively for 6 including once into the bar, his first nine deliveries went for 50. Leaves behind a cat called Stimpson and a collection of empty strong cider bottles.  Nick “Titanick” Hebbes bowled 3 conceded 46. Last diary entry, “Leggate stay on the boundary!” All three buried in the drinks break.

 

Hoskins, seeing the fallen, refused to let them die in vain. Manfully mounting a rear guard offensive which yielded 6-0-63-4. Forcing the oppo to flee before a five-for was on. Officers Darley and Emerson, returning now the coast was clear, finished respectfully. Darley 8-1-41-2. Emerson 7-1-41-2.

 

Tetsworth CC 358-8 off 33.2 overs.

 

 

2009jun14c

 

Mr. Jackson takes time out from the carnage.

 

 

Captain Mooboy awaking from his comfy chair, deep beneath the earth's surface, once again turned to his seniors. “Corporal Edwards, take what's left of Hebbes and hold up an end.” Music to Dans ears, stoicism, back to the wall, time to build a well-crafted 48. “Howarth stop bleeding profusely and get out there”, 57 quality runs – including a cover drive.

 

“Excellent, excellent – we may have been cruelly dismembered, but a moral victory and my final salary pension is assured… but what is this…?” “It's turning sir!” “Turn, young man?, what?, actual spin?... not deep crust hitting a divot?” “Yep, definitely turning sir, they're bowling yorkers too!” Dobner – first ball 0. “I can take em….” “Grand show Leggate, grand show!” First MAD run stroked down the ground, fist punching – “confirmed, actual movement cap, didn't stand a chance” – bowled Jackson 1. “Poppycock! What are they teaching in the academy nowadays, everyone knows to counteract a turning ball you just plant your leg outside off and swing!” Mooboy bowled 0. Carter stems the flow, technique honed on uncovered pitches in a bygone age. Good man Carter, reliable, battle-hardened, fine rake for four, bowled for 8. Bullock, stopped laughing briefly, bowled for 3 – a good 3. Hoskins, following Geoff's lead – growing in confidence – even acknowledged by the oppo “hey man, do you see what ee did derr – Stan gone hit you a mile man”. One man surrounded by fighting on, the vc, man of the match, fully justified. One last hope to save us all came with Anzac Emerson, sadly dazed and confused – shell shock or simply Stella? Still, he was there, Stan's cover, the last hope – ran out 0 backing up, not a ball faced – legend in his own lifetime….

 

 

 

Congratulating those that survived the battlefield.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The wreath was laid, 207 poppies signalling the margin of defeat, sitting pretty on a Shallow grave.

 

 

‘Titanick’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Tetsworth CC

Played at Tetsworth, 14 June 2009

 

Tetsworth won the toss and elected to bat

Tetsworth CC won by 207 runs

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

09 / 171

 

 

 

 

 

35 over match

 

 

 

Team

Tetsworth CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

O. Jackson

b Hoskins

71

42

11

3

2-121

2

A. Blenheim *

b Hoskins

26

26

5

0

1-69

3

H. C. R. Shallow +

retired

182

56

15

18

-

4

A. Patience

b Emerson

33

21

5

1

3-324

5

C. Miller

b Darley

5

13

1

-

4-328

6

S. Semos

b Darley

5

14

-

-

5-337

7

P. Bushay

c Darley b Hoskins

10

18

1

-

6-348

8

L. Mustan

b Hoskins

3

6

-

-

7-355

9

D. Dewson

b Dobner

3

4

-

-

8-358

10

T. Hogan

not out

0

0

-

-

-

11

F. Eley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(W5, LB2, B13)

20

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 8 wickets dec, 33.2 overs)

358

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Darley

8

1

41

2

 

2

Emerson

7

1

41

1

 

3

Hoskins

6

0

63

4

 

4

Dobner

5.2

0

79

1

 

5

Howarth

4

0

74

0

 

6

Hebbes

3

0

46

0

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

D. M. Edwards

b Jackson

48

(54)

5

-

2-113

2

N. J. Hebbes

c Shallow b Hogan

9

(12)

-

-

1-20

3

I. Howarth

b Jackson

57

(65)

9

-

5-129

4

S. L. P. Dobner

lbw b Jackson

0

(1)

-

-

3-113

5

I. C. Leggate

b Jackson

1

(5)

-

-

4-125

6

M. T. Westmoreland *

b Shallow

0

(2)

-

-

6-129

7

G. Carter

b Jackson

8

(16)

1

-

9-151

8

M. Bullock +

b Jackson

3

(8)

-

-

7-132

9

A. Darley

b Jackson

0

(1)

-

-

8-132

10

J. D. Hoskins

not out

8

(13)

1

-

-

11

D. Emerson

run out (Shallow)

0

(0)

-

-

10-151

 

Extras

(NB1, W6, LB4, B6)

17

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 29.2 overs)

151

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Semos

4

0

27

0

 

2

Hogan

4

1

14

1

 

3

Bushay

4

0

33

0

 

4

Eley

7

0

41

0

 

5

Jackson

7

1

22

7

 

6

Shallow

3.2

0

5

1

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  J. D. Hoskins

Champagne Moment:  I. Howarth getting hit into the clubhouse bar

Buffet Award:  I. Howarth’s inferior Malcolm Nash pie

 

 

Opposition:  V045 / 02

Ground:  G041 / 01

Captain:  C011 / 07