“Self-Absorbed Match Report Describes Little Else”

 

 

Match:  09 / 190

Match Drawn

 

 

Team

 

Total

Astons CC

220 - 7

J. Hoskins  2 - 53,  S. Dobner  2 - 65

 

FFTMCC

200 - 8

D. Edwards  57,  I. Howarth  39

 

 

 

 

I felt pretty crap on the day – bunged up with a fuzzy head. It may have been swine-flu, but it probably wasn’t. It certainly wasn’t normal flu where you sweat a bathtub of fluids out all over your mattress and nearly die, but I felt pretty lousy nonetheless.

 

The drive to Aston Tirrold was made slightly more bearable with the company of Dan Edwards to give me the wrong directions, and Adie Fisher to correct me even when I was eventually travelling in the right direction. Astonishingly, our progress was such that we managed to arrive at the pub before the game with enough time to sit and enjoy a pint. I, of course, didn’t enjoy my pint as I felt like shit. Did I mention that…?

 

 

 

“Ladbrokes? Yeah, I’ll have a ton on us fucking this up today.”

 

 

Last September, the cricket ground of Aston CC had been a sea of mud with an adjoining building site doubling as a makeshift changing room. It pissed down throughout the game if my memory serves me right, with the whole experience being rather underwhelming to say the least. Today, the sun shone – and the Aston folk now celebrated a brand new pavilion housing gleaming new changing rooms. What a difference a year makes, huh?

 

Whilst I clambered into my dirty whites, I gleaned the skipper had won the toss and decided on letting the opposition clump 200 plus. Why not, eh? The Mad were the “greatest team for chasing totals this country had ever seen” – or at least we were if you cared to listen to eternal optimist J. Hoskins. Head in the fucking clouds, anyone?

 

Recently acquired bowling options D. Emerson (10-2-31-1) and A. Darley (6-0-35-1) provided the opening salvo, with the latter making the initial breakthrough after Aston’s skipper R. Smith (4) decided to whip a ball to leg from a foot outside his off stump. There was little else to cheer as the opposition consolidated and took the score past 50.

 

 

 

James always attracted a decent sized crowd to see his big one.

 

 

S. Dobner was then introduced into the attack, and rewarded his skipper’s confidence by bowling some short pitch tripe outside off. Sadly for C. Bonwell (32), he square cut one straight to yours truly at point. It was a good catch [I’ve caught better], but with a crippled index finger it ought to claim the “Best Catch of the Season” award. The reason it probably won’t, is because my next catch was even better [more of that later].

 

Having been handed the ball, I then gave D. Barlow (1) a lesson in controlled medium pace bowling before splattering his stumps all over Oxford. The rest of my spell was shithouse (5-1-26-1), as I laboured juggling my life-threatening ostrich flu and bowling uphill with a crippled index finger. Have I mentioned that…?

 

Dobner (12-1-65-2) and Emerson left Astons on 151-5, but the real interest was whether J. Hoskins could net himself his 28th wicket of the season and become “the greatest bowler that The Mad had ever seen”. He probably wouldn’t have managed it, as his seasonally accurate line had been replaced by that of a blind geriatric pie-chucker. Fortunately, yours truly was stood at point [still] and pouched an exocet missile [it was travelling in excess of 150 mph] off N. Clark (65) to leave James cock-a-hoop. I caught another off his bowling a few overs later too – amazing when you consider I had a crippled index finger.

 

 

 

Martin (helmet) admires J. Shea’s athletic qualities as a bowler.

 

 

With a late flourish and some good lower order tonking from J. Shea (44), a hungry Astons team decided to declare on 220 for 7 and get stuck into the mid-match buffet. I’m happy to report it tasted even better than that which the Far from the MCC had provided out on the field – and it was great to consume it inside the new pavilion, as opposed to standing waist-deep in slurry in a builder’s yard.

 

The Mad’s reply was given a solid and enterprising impetus by Edwards and Skipper Westmoreland. I missed much of it as I hovered not far from the toilets, sweating on whether it really was a good idea to bat or not [if required]. The decision was made for me when Martin (29) was caught with the score on 78, and I duly trudged to the wicket worrying more about my stomach linings as opposed to the Aston’s bowling attack.

 

S. Smith and M. Wigg served up some rubbish to allow me and Dan the pleasure of cantering past the 100 mark – and it would be about this time that Edwards (57) began to feel the withering pressure of a heightening run rate. Astons had now began the first of their final 20 overs, and despite our target being around 5 runs per over, Dan decided on charging the bowler. He was duly stumped after Smith speared one down the leg side. Shame, as I felt Danny Boy was in the zone before that.

 

 

 

D. Edwards (57) was in exquisite form until he got himself stumped.

 

 

At 118-2 it was still game on, and I was joined at the crease by S. Dobner – who displayed all the urgency of a death row inmate going to the electric chair. But this mattered not, because as Steve acclimatised to the pitch, I was happily swatting the bad ball away to the boundary. If the game continued along this path, then The Mad would achieve their greatest run chase in their short history, and I would be championed as “the greatest batsman this team had ever had when chasing an improbable victory target” [or so James told me].

 

But then disaster struck… and an incident completely out of my hands would render me bitter and pissed off throughout the off-season. A short pitch ball needing depositing on haystack behind cow corner got up all of two inches and struck me slap bang in front – plumb lbw (39). Brilliant. Thanks very fucking much. Still, at least the umpire shared a joke after the match to say he never gave any lbw’s in Sunday cricket – bar the one that some poor fucker got stood in front of middle stump today…. Ha – how he laughed.

 

 

 

The FBI turned up to watch.

 

 

I missed A. Darley continuing his rich vein of form with the bat [duck], and I also missed J. Hotson eking out a well-schooled 2. In fact, I missed A. Fisher swatting a well-constructed 6 as well. I was too busy kicking my kit around the changing rooms to be bothered about our team’s progress, though my mood was tempered when Mr. Darley crashed through the door and started throwing his kit about too – declaring “this game is a waste of fucking time.” Indeed. But we keep coming back for more, eh?

 

Back outside, the Far from the MCC had wilted to 172-8 with T. Smith (9) joining the bat throwing contingent, and M. Bullock (0) wondering why he’d bothered turning up. We could easily have lost the game from there, but we didn’t. A doughty S. Dobner (30*) was aided and abetted during the final nervous few overs by a strangely coherent, D. Emerson (14*).

 

200-8 was how we finished, and it was nice to see J. Hoskins sat pitch side with his pads on – muttering under his breath about “not having the opportunity to win the game for The Mad”. How many opportunities do you actually need, James? Fuck sake.

 

 

 

Probably the most egotistical match report this team has ever seen.

 

 

So near, and yet so far. Such an enjoyable game – and yet such a total piss off. Cricket encapsulated in one day. I finally arrived back home some two hours later, and after a day of feeling whoozy and light-headed, I finally ended my season by hurling my guts down the toilet.

 

 

‘I. F. Only’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Astons CC

Played at Aston Tirrold, 6 September 2009

 

R. T. Harris won the toss and elected to bat

Match Drawn

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

09 / 190

 

 

 

 

 

Timed match

 

 

 

Team

Astons CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

R. A. Smith +

b Darley

4

 

 

 

1-16

2

C. Bonwell

c Howarth b Dobner

32

 

 

 

2-79

3

N. Clark

c Howarth b Hoskins

65

 

 

 

6-175

4

D. Barlow

b Howarth

1

 

 

 

3-89

5

J. Imbush

b Dobner

0

 

 

 

4-100

6

R. Bonwell

c and b Emerson

31

 

 

 

5-151

7

J. Shea +

c Howarth b Hoskins

44

 

 

 

7-214

8

T. Dew *

not out

13

 

 

 

-

9

M. Wigg

not out

6

 

 

 

-

10

S. Smith

 

 

 

 

 

 

11

L. Gray

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(NB2, W11, B11)

24

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 7 wickets, 45 overs)

220

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Emerson

10

2

31

1

 

2

Darley

6

0

35

1

 

3

Hoskins

12

2

53

2

 

4

Dobner

12

1

65

2

 

5

Howarth

5

1

26

1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note:  J. Shea kept wicket up to the 22nd over, R. Smith thereafter

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

D. M. Edwards

st R. Smith b S. Smith

57

(76)

9

-

2-118

2

M. T. Westmoreland *

c Dew b S. Smith

29

(49)

6

-

1-77

3

I. Howarth

lbw b Wigg

41

(38)

7

-

3-136

4

S. L. P. Dobner

not out

30

(30)

5

-

-

5

A. Darley

b Wigg

0

(2)

-

-

4-136

6

J. Hotson

c Barlow b Clark

2

(15)

-

-

5-141

7

A. J. Fisher

b Clark

7

(8)

1

-

6-149

8

T. P. W. Smith

b C. Bonwell

9

(7)

2

-

7-164

9

M. Bullock +

b C. Bonwell

0

(3)

-

-

8-172

10

D. Emerson

not out

14

(24)

3

-

-

11

J. D. Hoskins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Extras

(W3, LB3, B7)

13

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 8 wickets, 42 overs)

200

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Gray

8

1

26

0

 

2

Dew

8

1

48

0

 

3

S. Smith

7

0

33

2

 

4

Wigg

8

2

39

2

 

5

Clark

6

0

24

2

 

6

C. Bonwell

4

1

13

2

 

7

Shea

1

0

9

0

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  D. M. Edwards

Champagne Moment:  I. Howarth’s catch for J. Hoskins’ 28th wicket

Buffet Award:  A. Darley’s spring rolls (with sweet chilli dip)

 

 

Opposition:  V046 / 04

Ground:  G035 / 03

Captain:  C011 / 19