“The Tonking Inspector’s Report”

 

 

Match:  10 / 206

Lost by 30 runs

 

 

Team

 

Total

St. Clements Strollers

171 - 4

C. Roberts  2 - 37

 

FFTMCC

156 - 8

I. Howarth  30,  P. Mellor  16

 

 

 

 

As temporary Tonking Inspector for the Thames Valley, my thoughts have naturally been focused on my leading role at Tonkfest 2010 on 19th September, the highlight of the year, and hopefully a wonderfully one-sided finale to a scorching summer.

 

However, last night at 6.17pm, my pager bleeped and informed me of a potential tonking in progress on Marston Road, so without delay I grabbed my paraphernalia and sped to the scene.

 

I arrived in time to witness J. Higgs gleefully smiting the Far from the MCC bowlers for some flashing fours, mixed in with some lusty straight maximums, and consecutive sumptuous sixes into the tennis courts. Believe me, it was a joy to behold.

 

 

 

Magdalen College Sports Ground – home to tonkings by J. Higgs.

 

 

At this stage the tonking seemed very much to be on, and I set up my equipment at the edge of the Magdalen pitch to begin my analysis. But in the eleventh over something most strange occurred. Did my eyes deceive me? No. Mr Higgs was actually walking off the pitch! And he wasn’t out.

 

Apparently, the tonker-in-chief had reached three figures, and had decided to retire from the fray. To be honest, looking at this from my angle, it renders my journey almost pointless. Getting to a hundred in my book is merely the start of a good tonking; to tonk successfully you should go on to 150, or preferably 182, and should only give up when you’re so bored with hitting sixes that you cannot be bothered even to hold the bat.

 

The final 34 balls yielded just 31 runs, and I’m disappointed to report that the whole episode barely registered on my Tonkometer, nowhere near justifying the vast sum I shelled out to purchase the gadget in the first place.

 

To make matters worse, The MAD batsmen put up a good fight in reply, and finished a respectable thirty runs adrift.

 

How sad, therefore, that my first call-out should be a false alarm.

 

 

‘Tonking Inspector’