“What Goes on Tour Stays on Tour”

 

 

Match:  11 / 245

Lost by 4 runs

 

 

Team

 

Total

Hayling Island CC

228

T. Smith  3 - 22,  J. Hoskins  2 - 31

 

FFTMCC

224 - 9

I. Howarth  109*,  M. Reeves  20

 

 

 

 

This report has been compiled under the censorship of the FFTMCC Tour committee. Unfortunately some aspects are considered too salacious, too incriminating or too tedious to report.

 

 

 

Captain Leggate enjoying the “Breakfast of Champions”. Stupid <deleted>.

 

 

So fresh from the night on the <deleted>, The MAD rocked up in Hayling Island. The first action was to march confidently towards a pub, which turned out to be an old people’s home, situated just beyond the boundary. The second act was to march confidently into a pub which turned out to be a pub which only served booze when accompanied by food. The third act was to withdraw immediately announcing that they were all <deleted> and they could shove their Brewer’s Fayre up their <deleted> and <deleted>. There then followed a short excursion to the sea side which was something of a <deleted> hole. The group then splintered, going in several directions, some preferring to purchase (rubber) ducks and others to <deleted> about of their <deleted> arses, until a pub was found. A few pints and one conversation with a man who was either from Glasgow or had suffered some sort of stroke later and suddenly it was match time.

 

 

 

Searching for a <deleted> pub to get <deleted> in.

 

 

On arriving at the ground several of the team conducted a detailed pitch inspection. If only it had been the pitch we were about to play on it might have been some use, you <deleted> useless bunch of <deleted>. Having located the correct pitch the team squeezed into the telephone box sized changing rooms to prepare for the game and <deleted> each other’s <deleted> with their <deleted> on the pretence of warming up.

 

Hayling won the toss and elected to bat first. Opening bowler Hoskins (5.5-0-31-2) soon had some success, snaring J Swann LBW. At the other end, lanky streak of <deleted> C Roberts (4-0-29-0) was fairing less well, getting creamed back over his head disdainfully by G Martin in the first over. Young gun D Emerson (8-0-42-2) who only last night had been <deleted> with <deleted> in front of everyone even though she was <deleted> to be his <deleted> bowled with his usual pace and aggression. Hayling were looking ominous for a big score at 132 for 2 in the twenty second over.

 

 

 

Hayling CC – much like a <deleted> car number plate.

 

 

Skipper for the day I Leggate, mindful of the fact that we were only on day one of what could be a long and exhausting Tour decided sensibly to use a number of bowlers in short rotation. On came M Westmoreland (4-0-26-0) freed from the shackles of captaincy it had still been a surprise to see him <deleted> with that <deleted> in an alleyway. Nevertheless, through a fog of alcohol and <deleted> he managed to hold things together. I Howarth (5-0-30-1) and his little friend H Ernia did a sterling job and M Reeves (6-0-34-2) bowled tidily being fresh from a night of <deleted> in the same room as Dan and Bob. Only his third wicket of the season came as he bowled 14 year old female A Longhurst. It really has been a stellar year.

 

It was amazing T Smith (4-0-22-3) was playing at all after he and I Leggate had been <deleted> with each other until the early hours of the morning. His three wickets restricted the Hayling accumulation at a time when they were looking to accelerate. Finally D Edwards (1-0-3-0) got out his <deleted> to add a final twist. Hayling achieved 228 all out in 37.5 overs.

 

 

 

<deleted> up and back from the boozer. <deleted>.

 

 

The extended tea break was spent in a pub several minutes’ walk from the ground. In a continuation of last night, several players <deleted> until they were completely satisfied. Captain Leggate had such confidence in his opening line up that he attempted to send the first four back to start The MAD reply without himself bothering to accompany them, preferring instead to remain in the pub. A rebellion was on the cards until the skipper removed his <deleted> from <deleted> and returned hastily to the ground.

 

 

 

M Reeves couldn’t time a <deleted> in a toilet at present.

 

 

Openers D Edwards (3) and M Reeves (20) faced Hayling openers including young A Longhurst. Umpire Westmoreland said he could see the fear in their faces, especially that of Reeves as the ignominy of being bowled by a young lass became more of a likelihood than a possibility. It would have been a very long Tour indeed and an immense fine had it come to pass. D Edwards took the sensible option and made sure he was soon bowled from the other end whilst Reeves skied one at the first opportunity.

 

I Howarth was soon at the crease. Here was another Madster in rocky form, being very mindful of his golden against the Ducks last innings. He blocked out the first seven balls before unleashing a series of fours to restore his confidence. He was accompanied by a succession of <deleted> <deleted>. First <deleted> J Hotson (1), then <deleted> S Dobner (20) who did at least hang around and hit a few fours in what is becoming something of a renaissance for him. Then <deleted> M Westmoreland (2), even bigger <deleted> T Smith (0), even taller <deleted> C Roberts (10) and complete <deleted> J Hoskins (0).

 

 

 

“Quite a <deleted> collapse we’ve just had.”

 

 

At 131 for 8 things were looking grim. What was required was someone to bat sensibly, to anchor the innings whilst Howarth pushed on for victory. What we got was <deleted> D Emerson hitting 17 in 13 balls and making Howarth drag his hernia up and down the pitch for a series of quick runs. Finally skipper I Leggate (3 n.o.) arrived at the crease. With 54 required for victory in 10 overs surely it was only a matter of time before it was all over and we could trek back to the pub. But remember, I Leggate is a changed player this season, one who knows the value of his wicket. He blocked and Howarth bashed, to crawl towards the most unlikely of victories. Hayling could see The MAD comeback and so returned to their best bowlers as darkness began to descend. Howarth reached a magnificent century, firmly banishing the disappointments of a week ago, but now the only question was could we win?

 

 

 

“Well batted, Ian – you jammy <deleted>.”

 

 

Could we <deleted>. It all came down to needing five off the final two balls. But with the light now gone, the trickiest Hayling bowler spearing them in and his hernia throbbing like a <deleted>, Howarth couldn’t quite pull it off.

 

Speaking afterwards Howarth (109 n.o.) said that up until the final balls he had not considered that the overs available would be the cause of our demise. Or rather, what he actually said was “oh <deleted> <deleted> <deleted> <deleted> <deleted> <deleted> <deleted>. If my <deleted> <deleted> <deleted> team mates had pulled their <deleted> <deleted> <deleted> I wouldn’t have to <deleted> <deleted> <deleted>”. Oh well dude, well played anyway.

 

 

 

“Howarth an extra £5 for calling everyone useless <deleted>.”

 

 

We’ll be looking forward to inviting the boys and girls of Hayling back to Oxford. Great credit to them for picking a team appropriate to a touring pub side. A great tea and the game played in a great spirit. A good start to the Tour.

 

 

‘Reevsie’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Hayling Island CC

Played at Hayling Island, 12 August 2011

 

Hayling Island CC won the toss and elected to bat

Hayling Island CC won by 4 runs

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  none

 

 

11 / 245

 

 

 

 

 

40 over match

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Hayling Island CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

J. Swann

lbw b Hoskins

6

 

1

-

1-18

2

G. Martin

lbw b Emerson

54

 

6

-

3-134

3

C. Collier

lbw b Emerson

32

 

4

1

2-79

4

M. Dudley

b Howarth

43

 

4

-

4-150

5

R. Gorvin

c Hoskins b Reeves

8

 

-

-

5-169

6

M. Hallett *

not out

55

 

10

-

-

7

D. Gorvin

lbw b Smith

0

 

-

-

6-170

8

M. McDowell

c Emerson b Smith

1

 

-

-

7-173

9

A. Longhurst

b Reeves

4

 

-

-

8-196

10

K. Shimman

b Smith

0

 

-

-

9-202

11

R. Hague

b Hoskins

1

 

-

-

10-228

 

Extras

(NB6, W9, LB1, B8)

24

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 37.5 overs)

228

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Roberts

4

0

29

0

 

2

Hoskins

5.5

0

31

2

 

3

Emerson

8

0

42

2

 

4

Westmoreland

4

0

26

0

 

5

Howarth

5

0

30

1

 

6

Reeves

6

0

34

2

 

7

Smith

4

0

22

3

 

8

Edwards

1

0

3

0

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

D. M. Edwards

b R. Gorvin

3

(21)

-

-

1-17

2

M. K. Reeves

c b Longhurst

20

(32)

3

-

2-34

3

I. Howarth

not out

109

(94)

16

3

-

4

J. C. W. Hotson

c b D. Gorvin

1

(9)

-

-

3-52

5

S. L. P. Dobner

b McDowell

20

(21)

4

-

4-104

6

M. T. Westmoreland

c and b D. Gorvin

2

(6)

-

-

5-113

7

T. P. W. Smith

b McDowell

0

(3)

-

-

6-119

8

C. D. Roberts

b D. Gorvin

10

(8)

2

-

7-130

9

J. D. Hoskins

c Collier b McDowell

0

(3)

-

-

8-131

10

D. Emerson

c Longhurst b Collier

17

(13)

2

-

9-175

11

I. C. Leggate *+

not out

3

(32)

-

-

-

 

Extras

(NB2, W20, LB4, B13)

39

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(for 9 wickets, 40 overs)

224

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

R. Gorvin

5

1

12

1

 

2

Longhurst

6

1

28

1

 

3

Swann

5

1

31

0

 

4

D. Gorvin

8

1

37

3

 

5

McDowell

4

0

35

3

 

6

Collier

5

1

29

1

 

7

Martin

7

1

36

0

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  I. Howarth

Champagne Moment:  I. Howarth’s maximum over long off (near scorer’s table)

Buffet Award:  C. D. Roberts’ steak and onion baguettes (with mustard)

 

 

Opposition:  V067 / 01

Ground:  G052 / 01

Captain:  C020 / 01