“Ladies and Gentlemen”

 

 

Match:  11 / 248

Lost by 24 runs

 

 

Team

 

Total

Appleton CC

159

J. Newman  5 - 43,  D. Emerson  3 - 44

 

FFTMCC

135

S. Dobner  40,  M. Reeves  22

 

 

 

 

Club merchandising had seen a dramatic dip in sales in recent months due to an elongated MAD losing streak. This dearth of incoming funds would only be compounded be a worrying lack of pin-ups within the ranks. Committee members voted unanimously at a hastily convened EGM to sex up the club and bring it into the 21st century. Said Chairman Mr. Bullock “the image of The MAD being an ageing bunch of alcoholic decrepit losers is tarnishing our future growth.” “I concur,” stated N. Hebbes [Chairman of Overseas Development] “how on earth I am supposed to sell Mad hoodies, caps, baggies and signed memorabilia overseas when all I have to promote them are mug shots of you ugly bastards?” “We need a plan,” uttered Mr. Hoskins [General Dogsbody and Idea Entrepreneur] “…and just like Baldrick from ‘Blackadder’ fame – I have heard a cunning plan….”

 

 

 

The MAD present Player #120.

 

 

Opting to turn back the clock to see the future, The MAD proudly unveiled their fourth female cricketer to the packed Oxford village of Appleton. Websites and flyers had for days been championing the new face of the Far from the MCC – the rather exotically named Sandra ‘Hersurnamestoofuckinghardtopronounce” Steinhauer; a Canadian by birth, who had been wooed on the Salsa dancefloor by venerable club pie-chucker, I. Leggate. Ian’s understanding of the Club’s lack of playing staff for this particular Sunday, and ear to the ground when it came to whispers of “stuffy old fucks too old to get a bone” – sowed the seeds for an ingenious plan one drunken night. “Sandra has got all the credentials” he exclaimed after his fourteenth pint, “she has great hand-to-eye coordination, a happy demeanour to accompany her splendid form – and above all else, she’ll clean my house / pigsty from top to bottom if you are willing to pick her for this weekend’s game in Appleton.”

 

And thus it came to be – Sandra ‘Hersurnamestoofuckinghardtopronounce” Steinhauer followed in the footsteps of Clare Norris, Kate Atkinson and Vicki Stone in becoming the 120th player to represent The MAD. The fourth such female to spice up the image of this fabled and revered Oxford Pub Team – she surely will not be the last…?

 

 

 

Sandra inspects Captain Dobner’s tackle.

 

 

So how did the day pan out for Sandra? We sent our roving reporter and absent poet, Andrew Morley, to field the questions and fill out the forms….

 

AM:  “How’d you find the day, Sandra – did you enjoy your first Mad experience?”

S:  “It was cool. I didn’t really have a clue what was going on, and it was a shame we lost, but the guys were really positive.”

AM:  “Really? All of them?”

S:  “Kind of…. One of them banged on about positive mental attitude, and another banged on about this McKno chap always bowling him. Also, Steve lost the toss saying he ‘always loses the fucking toss’ – but the guys bowled really well. Salad (5-0-43-5) was wonderful – he bagged a ‘phyfour’.”

AM:  “A five for.”

S:  “Yeah – that’s it, a ‘five for’. Although his last wicket was when he caught a ball off a kid who didn’t come up to his… er, groin.”

AM:  “Impressive. So one could say, he had a four-and-a-half for?”

S:  (chuckling)  “Yeah, the guys did joke about that – they were really mean to him.”

AM:  “Anyone else impress in the bowling?”

S:  “Yeah, the drunken Kiwi, Emerson (8-0-44-3) – he was amazing. He just bounded in with this nice red glow and smashed their stumps everywhere.”

AM:  “Excellent. Who else bowled?”

S:  “This psycho guy (6-1-22-0) was good, and the bloke with a silly Mongoose bat (8-0-27-1) was good too – he kept having the Apple people smack balls in the air but nobody caught anything.”

 

 

 

A fine body of men: twinged hamstrings and beer guts.

 

 

AM:  “And were you given any tips whilst in the field, Sandra?”

S:  “Hmm, no. Although the guys took the piss out of each other at every opportunity and even had a go at my fella for not doing a proper ‘logstop’.”

AM:  “A long stop.”

S:  “Yeah, that’s it, and that guy who leaves Stella cans everywhere, Thorn – he was worst.”

AM:  “You don’t say. So, keeping Appleton to just 159 was a good effort you reckon?”

S:  “Absolutely. We would have done them for much less, but Howarth threw a ball clean over Dobner’s head when he should have got an easy run out. That was funny. Also, seeing that big fat guy with a silly pink golf visor run after it – I was in stitches… ha ha.”

AM:  “What number did you bat then, Sandra?”

S:  “7G.”

AM:  “7G? What is 7G?”

S:  “7G is the position I batted, because my boyfriend said it was.”

AM:  “Okay, that kinda figures. And how did you fare out in the middle?”

S:  “Well, I only lasted 9 balls and I didn’t score anything – but everyone said ‘well done, Sandra – that’s 9 times better than Spam’.”

AM:  “Really?”

S:  “Yeah, Howarth got a ‘platypus’.”

AM:  “A platinum.”

S:  “Yeah, that’s it – a platinum duck. That was real funny. He did a big cob on Stevie D and refused to talk to anyone afterwards.”

AM:  “He does have his moments, bless him. Who got The MAD runs then?”

 

 

 

S. Dobner evades an incoming pie.

 

 

S:  “Well, Steve batted brilliantly – he bashed a crazy 40, including hitting this small child about. The guy with the big head did good too – he got 22, and the guy with the silly Mongoose bat… er, he got 21 at the end.”

AM:  “And were we close to winning at the death?”

S:  “I think so, but the guy with the red glow didn’t whack it anywhere and he finished not out 3.”

AM:  “135 all out I believe?”

S:  “We weren’t all out – I just said that the Kiwi was not out.”

AM:  “Indeed you did Sandra, indeed you did. In summing up – how did you enjoy your day, and would you do it again?”

S:  “It was kinda cool, but it does get boring at times. Really boring. Just standing in the field when I could be getting a suntan or something – that sucked. Also, I didn’t get to bat with my fella – he was great – he got 6 and was like totally awesome.”

 

 

 

Game over.

 

 

AM:  “Well, thanks for your time, Sandra – hope to see you in action again sometime soon.”

S:  “Thanks, Andy. I hear you’re pretty good at poetry?”

AM:  “I am well versed in that opinion. So long.”

 

 

‘Roving Morlers’

 

 

 

 

 

*

 

 

Statto Scorecards

 

 

 

Far from the MCC versus Appleton CC

Played at Appleton, 21 August 2011

 

Appleton CC won the toss and elected to bat

Appleton CC won by 24 runs

 

Far from the MCC debuts:  Sandra Steinhauer (120)

 

 

11 / 248

 

 

 

 

 

40 over match

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Appleton CC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

E. Bennett

b Emerson

44

 

6

-

3-70

2

G. Alder

b Hoskins

10

 

1

-

1-40

3

B. Gilkes

b Emerson

10

 

1

-

2-68

4

M. Goodwin

b Emerson

1

 

-

-

4-72

5

M. Bungay *

not out

51

 

5

-

-

6

J. Bennett

b Newman

1

 

-

-

5-77

7

A. Hammond

b Newman

1

 

-

-

 

8

B. Salmon

b Newman

4

 

-

-

 

9

C. McKno

b Newman

17

 

2

-

 

10

C. Salmon

c and b Newman

6

 

-

-

 

11

C. Alder

lbw b Smith

3

 

-

-

10-159

 

Extras

(NB1, W4, LB4, B2)

11

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 32.4 overs)

159

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

Emerson

8

0

44

3

 

2

Hoskins

8

0

27

1

 

3

Newman

8

0

43

5

 

4

Rundle

6

1

22

0

 

5

Howarth

2

0

12

0

 

6

Smith

0.4

0

5

1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team

Far from the MCC

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Batsman

How Out

Total

Balls

4s

6s

FOW

1

I. Howarth

b McKno

0

(1)

-

-

1-0

2

I. C. Leggate

c and b G. Alder

6

(25)

-

-

2-17

3

M. K. Reeves

b McKno

22

(52)

3

-

4-45

4

P. A. S. Mellor

b G. Alder

4

(9)

1

-

3-29

5

S. L. P. Dobner *+

b Bennett

40

(58)

2

-

9-131

6

M. S. Rundle

c and b C. Alder

3

(13)

-

-

5-51

7

S. Steinhauer

b C. Alder

0

(9)

-

-

6-54

8

T. P. W. Smith

c b C. Alder

7

(8)

1

-

7-71

9

J. Newman-Robson

c b C. Alder

3

(8)

-

-

8-84

10

J. D. Hoskins

b Bungay

21

(42)

2

-

10-135

11

D. Emerson

not out

3

(11)

-

-

-

 

Extras

(NB8, W12, LB5, B1)

26

 

 

 

 

 

TOTAL

(all out, 38 overs)

135

 

 

 

 

 

 

#

 

Bowler

Overs

Maidens

Runs

Wkts

 

1

McKno

8

1

16

2

 

2

G. Alder

7

0

22

2

 

3

C. Alder

8

0

36

4

 

4

C. Salmon

5

0

18

0

 

5

B. Salmon

3

0

25

0

 

6

Bungay

4

3

2

1

 

7

Bennett

3

0

9

1

 

 

 

 

 

MOTM:  J. Newman-Robson

Champagne Moment:  D. Emerson’s Yorker dismissal

Buffet Award:  I. Howarth’s child sized portion of sausage and mash (with gravy)

 

 

Opposition:  V051 / 08

Ground:  G042 / 05

Captain:  C008 / 11