“The Duck of Death”

Match: 11 / 237

Lost by 28 runs

Team	Total
Blenheim Park CC	87
J. Pearson 2 - 3, D. Emerson 2 - 17
FFTMCC	59
I. Howarth 47

As all who appreciate fine cinema will testify – except for those who haven’t seen it, or else have completely forgotten every aspect of its undeniable brilliance – Clint Eastwood’s 1992 filmic masterpiece ‘Unforgiven’ is an impressive and cinematically triumphant film. Though sadly lacking in nudity, drug use and contemporary music, the film contains many great scenes, not the least of which is the confrontation between Sheriff Little Bill (Gene Hackman) and gunslinger English Bob (Richard Harris). Only a cultural moron, or perhaps someone who was in the loo at the time and miss this bit, would not rate the scene reasonably highly. Little Bill first kicks the shit out of English Bob, and then while he languishes in jail, mocks him for the name which he has been given by his erstwhile biographer W. W. Beauchamp (Saul Rubinek). In calling him the Duck of Death, instead of the Duke, little could Little Bill know that he was paving the way for a contrived allusion to a Clint Eastwood film in a Sunday pub cricket team match report some twenty years later. In fact, little could he know anything, being only a character in a western, though a pretty good one.

July 10th – the Day of the Duck.

It’s fair to say that such thoughts were far from the minds of The MAD as they ventured once more north of Oxford to play Blenheim Park at Blenheim Palace, a fixture that all who play Sunday cricket in the Shire crave to have on their list. The magnificent gardens of the Palace itself, the cute American tourist chicks walking past the game saying things like ‘wow, what a weird game of baseball’, and various other perks too numerous to mention here make this one of the premier dates in any MAD calendar, even now that the team plays upwards of three hundred games a season, thus rendering all team records since 2008 null and void, especially the bowling ones.

Blenheim players discuss the spine of The MAD batting line-up.

Winning the toss and electing to bowl, The MAD soon had Blenheim in all sorts of trouble. In fact apart from the interminable stretch of time between the first and second wickets falling, it is fair to say that Blenheim played like cack. Wickets were shared around among The MAD attack, with Emerson (7-0-17-2), Timms (8.3-1-18-2) and Pearson (2-0-3-2) all taking a brace, while Newman (5-1-8-1), Hoskins (6-0-17-1) and Darley (5-0-9-1) bagged one each. Though Pearson indulged in his customary moaning about not taking several more, it was only Parkinson, as usual bowling brilliantly but without luck, who went wicketless. His haul of 5-0-13-0 seemed in many ways to sum up his sporadic MAD career – best of the bowlers yet again, but coming away with nothing except a hatful of sledges from former skipper I. Howarth doing fuck all in the deep except shouting words of dubious encouragement to all and sundry. When will the sun shine for Parkinson again? And when, indeed, will Howarth put a cork in it? One may ask, but brave would be the pundit who might venture an answer.

For Blenheim Park, R. Samples top-scored with 25, and might still be there today had not he thrown his wicket away attempting a lunatic run against the deadly arm of Pearson, and apart from S. Liddicot (19) none of the other Blenheimites could progress to double figures, and it was left to The MAD to chase what seemed like a gettable tally of 87.

Parkinson (right): “If you upgraded more of your fixtures, skip – I’d play some more.”

Tea came and went as it so often does in the tea break of a game of village cricket. With Adie Small no longer gracing the ranks of The MAD, there was plenty to go round for everyone, and the cunning Duke of Marlborough had provided stodge cakes and lard pies for the visitors to slow them down, while the home team had brought their own green salads and energy drinks. The MAD, however, were wise to this old trick – all except for Dan Edwards, who stuffed his face with everything he could lay his hands on and was soon out caught and bowled Davis for a duck.

Edwards wished he’d stayed for dinner.

The early wicket, however, served only to galvanise The MAD and their intent was soon clear. With former skipper I. Howarth flaying the ball to all parts, the rest would play a supporting role and the game would thus be won. The plan worked admirably for ten or twelve thrilling overs, as Howarth rode his luck and hammered the Park bowlers to all parts in a devastating display of hitting that few walking past the game had ever seen, let alone comprehended.

But the avid Duke, watching from his study high up in the Palace, had other ideas. A top-heavy tea was not the only weapon in his arsenal. As a seemingly unstoppable Howarth marched The MAD towards victory, the Duke sent word down to one of his on-call topiarists, and before the next over had begun, a hedge that had been earmarked for sculpting into the likeness of Winston Churchill had instead been hastily but expertly fashioned into that of a duck.

The Duke’s cunning duck(s).

What befell The MAD next was partly witchcraft due to the Duke’s devious machinations, but mainly typical MAD collapse crapness – though credit to Mr Davis of Blenheim Park, whose 8-25 immediately catapulted him to the top of the ranks of those upon whom over the years The MAD have graciously bestowed their lifetime best ever bowling figures. Many indeed are the trundlers who have been heard to exclaim after an unexpected victory over The MAD ‘wow, a five for, that’s my first ever!’ or variations on that theme. Though Davis bowled exceedingly well, an eight-for is perhaps straining the bounds of generosity.

Hoskins (background) prepares to javelin his bat after notching a succinct duck.

With Pearson (3) and Westmoreland (2) amassing five runs between them, the score was at 56-4 when Howarth departed for 47 and the game was still well and truly in The MAD’s control. But, in the shadow of the Duke and the Duck of Death, the wickets tumbled. First Parkinson (luckless as always in scoring 0), then Darley (golden), then Dobner (a remarkable tally of 4), followed by Hoskins (third ball duck), Timms (golden), and then finally Newman (fourth baller). Only Emerson remained not out – on zero of course – but already he had his mind on other things, namely, hoping that for once the All Blacks wouldn’t choke in the upcoming Rugby World Cup and that there would be enough spit in the gobs of the New Zealand fans to cover Quade Cooper from head to toe every time he ran down the tunnel from the changing rooms. As it turned out, both his wishes came true.

Martin can hardly get his head around the latest Mad collapse.

As The MAD trudged forlornly from the field of play, wondering how the fuck they had managed to let another one get away, the Duke of Death turned smiling from his study window, and poured himself another brandy.

‘Blocker’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Blenheim Park CC Played at Blenheim Park, 10 July 2011 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Blenheim Park CC won by 28 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

11 / 237 Timed match

Team	Blenheim Park CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. West	c Pearson b Newman	5		-	-	1-5
2	R. Samples	run out (Pearson/Dobner)	25		2	-	2-47
3	S. Liddicot +	b Timms	19		1	-	4-71
4	M. Cox	c Emerson b Darley	7		1	-	3-60
5	S. Kemish	b Pearson	4		-	-	6-71
6	A. Shaw	lbw b Hoskins	0		-	-	5-71
7	A. Engel	b Emerson	5		1	-	8-84
8	T. Little	c Westmoreland b Pearson	2		-	-	7-77
9	G. Davies	c Parkinson b Emerson	6		1	-	9-85
10	S. Cox	not out	1		-	-	-
11	N. Walker	b Timms	1		-	-	10-87
	Extras	(NB2, W7, LB4, B1)	14
	TOTAL	(all out, 38.3 overs)	87

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	7	0	17	2
2	Newman	5	1	8	1
3	Parkinson	5	0	13	0
4	Timms	8.3	1	18	2
5	Darley	5	0	9	1
6	Hoskins	6	0	17	1
7	Pearson	2	0	3	2

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth	c Lidicott b Davies	47	(69)	6	-	4-56
2	D. M. Edwards	c and b Davies	0	(6)	-	-	1-0
3	J. W. Pearson	b Davies	3	(27)	-	-	2-32
4	M. T. Westmoreland *	c M. Cox b Walker	2	(5)	-	-	3-35
5	S. L. P. Dobner +	c Lidicottb Kemish	4	(23)	-	-	6-56
6	S. B. Parkinson	c b Davies	0	(4)	-	-	5-56
7	A. Darley	c b Davies	0	(1)	-	-	8-58
8	J. D. Hoskins	c Lidicottb Davies	0	(3)	-	-	7-58
9	J. Newman-Robson	c b Davies	0	(4)	-	-	10-59
10	G. J. Timms	b Davies	0	(1)	-	-	9-58
11	D. Emerson	not out	0	(1)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB1, LB2)	3
	TOTAL	(all out, 23.5 overs)	59

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Walker	9	3	24	1
2	Davies	11.5	4	25	8
3	Kemish	3	1	8	1

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: D. Emerson’ one-handed catch Buffet Award: J. D. Hoskins’ Vegas steak and onion baguettes (with chilli relish)

Opposition: V047 / 05 Ground: G037 / 03 Captain: C011 / 55