“Boxes Ticked”
Match: 11
/ 232
Lost
by 40 runs
|
Team |
Total |
|
Lemmings |
193 - 9 |
|
J. Pearson 5 - 20 |
|
|
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
153 - 9 |
|
J. Pearson 60*, L. Ainsworth 37 |
|
|
Wake up with a typical
Sunday hangover from a night on the piss. Tick. Drag kit bag out from
under the bed and haul downstairs before relaxing onto the sofa before
heading out. Tick. Ask yourself if your
regressive cricketing talents wouldn’t be better served by better preparation
rather than soaking your liver and brain in a bathtub of cider. Tick. Drive car to Brasenose
College Sports Ground whilst complaining about other drivers, the price of
petrol, the grey fucking weather, and all likelihood of another dispiriting
team defeat. Tick. Arrive at pub and instead
of rehydrating with a soft drink, immediately order a pint of cider and begin
moaning about how you feel physically fucked. Tick. Join similarly downbeat
pissheads / team mates to berate the weather and make sarcastic and derisory
comments about the expectations of the day. Tick. Stare at Duck as the
mascot sits on the beer garden table staring back with soulless eyes. Tick. Fuck off to the ground.
Tick.
Finally – some sunshine over Brasenose. Openly declare that
today is the day the team’s fortunes are reversed whilst climbing into dirty
whites – that today, you have a good
feeling about this game. Tick. Labour the point
extensively to anyone who will listen. Tick. Fraternise with
opposition under the misguided illusion they actually like you. Tick. Openly call all the
opposition players “mate” as you can’t remember any of their Christian names
despite playing against them for the last 8 years. Tick. Look dumbstruck as poor
T. Baker (1) is ran out at the non-striker’s end as D. Look rather surprised
that The MAD strike so soon after with R. J Baker bowled by J. Pearson for a
duck. Tick. Welcome the plaudits and
spout off how tricky the catch was whilst pouching a skewed regulation sitter
at point (S. Bell for 4). Tick. Grumble to self as I.
Leggate bowls a ten ball over. Tick. Castigate the skipper
silently for maybe handing the advantages back to the opposition with
questionable bowling changes. Tick. Applaud Leggate
(3-0-27-1) and the skipper as J. Kelly (37) holes out in the deep after
declaring he had a “poor track record against crap bowling”. Tick.
The excitement factor of MAD games is hard to
resist these days…. Become listless and
remember back to past ignominious defeats as the opposition total creeps
above the hundred mark as the partnership grows. Tick. Laugh loudly as Mike
Reeves’ poor season continues as he drops a sitter down at long leg. Tick. Laugh even louder as D. Reassure C. Roberts
(6-1-27-0) that the team couldn’t catch gonorrhoea in a whore house if they
tried. Tick. Try to cajole Reeves
(5-0-16-0) into positive thinking, by continually saying “that’s better” as
he beats the bat to scant reward. Tick. Sigh inwardly as skipper
Westmoreland shells a caught and bowled attempt. Tick. Look contemptuously at
Mad fielders Pearson and Reassure M. Westmoreland
(5-0-35-1) that the team “couldn’t catch a cold in a Siberian winter if they
tried”. Tick. Soak up the adulation
and sigh with relief as you catch a steepler at mid-on to end a stubborn
fifth wicket partnership (P. Baker 53). Tick. Join a mobbed team
celebration as a sprawling Westmoreland catches a beauty in the deep (M.
Baker 48). Tick.
Let’s hope the next crop of MAD players is better
than the current lot. Begin chuntering to self
after replacing D. Edwards (4-0-26-0), and having your first over bowled
twatted around for 10 runs. Tick. Moan repeatedly to a
smiling M. Reeves that you are now in line for the Buffet Award (2-0-17-1).
Tick. Look astonished before
running to embrace I. Leggate who takes a smoker off your own bowling to see
P. “Pies” Williams out for 20. Tick. Remind everyone
continually that J. Pearson only needs 1 more wicket for a 5-for after he
bowls J. Baker for a duck. Tick. Soak up more adulation
and have increasing illusions of grandeur after pouching another regulation
catch (G. French 0) at square leg to hand Pearson his 5-for. Tick. Walk off the field
basking in the glory of taking 3 catches and being the Best Fielder this team
has ever seen as the Lemmings are dismissed for 193. Tick. Scoff a hearty selection
of sandwiches whilst radiating smugness at the tea interval. Tick. Offer glowing praise for
Mel’s strawberry cream cake whilst stating it’s far superior to anything the
Dobner’s have baked for teas (whilst noting the Dobner’s absence). Tick.
The best cake this
team has ever eaten. Pad up and settle
comfortably into a deck chair on the boundary to watch The MAD reply
commence. Tick. Laugh and poke fun at a
sleeping I. Leggate as he dreams about Sandra on an adjacent chair. Tick. Enjoy more sarcastic
banter at Leggate’s expense as he is woken to join J. Hotson in umpiring.
Tick. Grab bat, ready oneself,
and walk the seemingly huge distance to the wicket after D. Edwards is bowled
for 14. Tick. Take guard, analyse the
field, and ready oneself for the first delivery. Tick. Make threatening
eye-contact with umpire Leggate as the first ball from C. Greenwood crashes
into your pads and an appeal goes up. Tick. Consider next move as
Leggate raises his finger. Tick. Realise that a public
show of dissatisfaction and annoyance will garner the club’s first levy of
the new £5 Dissent ruling (as
unanimously agreed at last year’s AGM). Tick. Tuck bat under arm and
slope off the field whilst considering burning Leggate’s house down whilst
he’s asleep in bed. Tick. Arrive back at pavilion
whilst keeping a burning rage under wraps to get the usual “unlucky, mate”
comments trotted out my team mates who are silently laughing inside. Tick. Sling bat back into kit
bag, unpad and consider the merits of playing this
stupid fucking game whilst retaining dignity and not shouting obscenities at
Leggate from said pavilion. Tick. Relieve M. Bullock of
scoring duties, and feel better about yourself after M. Reeves (0) completes
Greenwood’s hat-trick by being castled first ball. Tick. Trot out the obligatory
“unlucky, mate” comments as Mike returns to the pavilion to throw his bat and
consider the merits of playing this stupid fucking game. Tick.
M. Reeves searches for form and better days. Cast mind back to
glories past as L. Ainsworth and J. Pearson construct a partnership taking The
MAD past the hundred barrier. Tick. Take photograph of poor
T. Baker’s hand after he splits the webbing dropping a caught and bowled attempt
and disappearing to hospital. “Unlucky, mate”. Tick. Sigh as Ainsworth is
bowled (37) trying to up the scoring rate and perishing as he does so. Tick. Console M. Westmoreland
(1) after his 3 ball innings on his return to the hutch with “unlucky, mate”,
as he too questions the merits of playing this stupid fucking game. Tick.
The latest flush of Mad ducks. Console M. Bullock (0)
after his 5 ball innings on his return to the hutch with “unlucky, mate”, as
he too questions the merits of playing this stupid fucking game. Tick. Console I. Leggate (0)
after his 3 ball innings on his return to the hutch with “unlucky, you
wanker”, as he too questions the merits of playing this stupid fucking game.
Tick. Console J. Hotson (13)
after his impressive cameo and return to said hutch with “unlucky, mate”, as
he questions the intelligence of playing a sweep shot to a quick inswinging yorker. Tick. Console D. Walk onto pitch on
completion of match and tenth consecutive MAD defeat to congratulate the
Lemmings players and take photographs thereof. Tick.
J. Pearson (60*) and C. Roberts (11*) were 2 of only
3 Mad players not bowled. Join a collective team
moan about the result of the game and adjourn to the Folly bridge pub. Tick. Almost fall apart
laughing in Finish pint, say
goodbye, and drive pissheads and D. Edwards back to their respective homes.
Tick. Moan to wife about the
injustices of cricket on return. Tick. Open bottle of wine and
stare into the glass, clinging to the memories of days gone by where you
scored some fucking runs and The MAD won a game or two. Tick. ‘Multi Choice’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Lemmings Played at Brasenose College, 19 June
2011 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected
to field Lemmings won by 40 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none |
11 / 232 40 over match |
|
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|
|
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|
|
Team |
Lemmings |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
J. Kelly |
c Ainsworth b Leggate |
35 |
|
4 |
- |
4-52 |
|
2 |
T. Baker |
run out (Emerson) |
1 |
|
- |
- |
1-4 |
|
3 |
R. J. Baker |
b Pearson |
0 |
|
- |
- |
2-10 |
|
4 |
S. Bell |
c Howarth b Pearson |
4 |
|
- |
- |
3-26 |
|
5 |
M. Baker |
c Westmoreland b Pearson |
48 |
|
8 |
- |
6-179 |
|
6 |
P. Baker |
c Howarth b Westmoreland |
53 |
|
3 |
- |
5-141 |
|
7 |
P. Williams *+ |
c Leggate b Howarth |
20 |
|
1 |
- |
7-182 |
|
8 |
C. Greenwood |
not out |
9 |
|
1 |
- |
- |
|
9 |
J. Baker |
b Pearson |
0 |
|
- |
- |
8-193 |
|
10 |
G. French |
c Howarth b Pearson |
0 |
|
- |
- |
9-193 |
|
11 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(W10, LB5, B3) |
18 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 39 overs) |
193 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Emerson |
7 |
0 |
21 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Pearson |
7 |
1 |
20 |
5 |
|
|
3 |
Leggate |
3 |
0 |
27 |
1 |
|
|
4 |
Roberts |
6 |
1 |
27 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Reeves |
5 |
0 |
16 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Westmoreland |
5 |
0 |
35 |
1 |
|
|
7 |
Edwards |
4 |
0 |
26 |
0 |
|
|
8 |
Howarth |
2 |
0 |
17 |
1 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
D. M. Edwards |
b Greenwood |
14 |
(38) |
1 |
- |
1-36 |
|
2 |
L. G. Ainsworth |
b Kelly |
37 |
(76) |
2 |
- |
4-105 |
|
3 |
I. Howarth |
lbw b Greenwood |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
2-36 |
|
4 |
M. K. Reeves |
b Greenwood |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
3-36 |
|
5 |
J. W. Pearson |
not out |
60 |
(90) |
6 |
- |
- |
|
6 |
M. T. Westmoreland * |
b Kelly |
1 |
(3) |
- |
- |
5-107 |
|
7 |
M. Bullock |
b P. Baker |
0 |
(5) |
- |
- |
6-108 |
|
8 |
I. C. Leggate |
b P. Baker |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
7-108 |
|
9 |
J. C. W. Hotson + |
b Kelly |
13 |
(11) |
1 |
- |
8-136 |
|
10 |
D. Emerson |
b Kelly |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
9-136 |
|
11 |
C. D. Roberts |
not out |
11 |
(12) |
2 |
- |
- |
|
|
Extras |
(NB2, W7, LB5, B3) |
17 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 9 wickets, 40 overs) |
153 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
J. Baker |
8 |
2 |
18 |
0 |
|
|
2 |
Greenwood |
8 |
1 |
19 |
3 |
|
|
3 |
French |
6 |
1 |
18 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
T. Baker |
2.5 |
0 |
17 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Bell |
3.1 |
0 |
23 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Kelly |
6 |
2 |
25 |
4 |
|
|
7 |
P. Baker |
4 |
1 |
12 |
2 |
|
|
8 |
R. J.
Baker |
2 |
0 |
13 |
0 |
|
|
MOTM: M. K. Reeves (protest
vote) Champagne Moment: M. T. Westmoreland’s
fine diving catch Buffet
Award: I. C. Leggate’s wholemeal
baps with chicken salad |
Opposition:
V024 / 10 Ground: G040 / 16 Captain: C011 / 53 |