“It Never Used to be Like This”

Match: 11 / 229

Lost by 7 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	104
D. Edwards 33
Appleton CC	108 - 3
G. Timms 1 - 14

Conversation would eventually turn to why the Far from the MCC had endured such a miserable run of late, and as M. Reeves slung his gloves back into his kit bag, he was forthright in his views “because the batsmen used to score some fucking runs, that’s why.” A pertinent observation and one which certainly carried some gravity come 4 o’clock – the time at which The MAD’s insipid performance with the bat came to an abject end. Of course it hadn’t always been like this; in times past the team would plunder runs on hard-baked pitches against drunks from local pubs. “Wow – we’re fucking great we are!” And we were – squashing the noses of alcoholics into the turf, and howling in delight as 6 year old kids, making up the numbers, had their stumps knocked back – turning tearfully to return to the arms of their pitiful dad on the boundary. Fast forward and everything was different now. Most the pub teams had folded, so duels on a Sunday were now contested against decent opposition. Opposition containing bigger kids who were no longer 6 years old. These kids were big now, they had a swagger, and they actually looked down at you. Rightfully so, especially on this day.

These kids will eventually grow up too….

June. Summer’s over then, The MAD’s first home game of the season played out in grey, damp drizzle without a drop of fucking irony. Water trickled off the roof of the Brasenose pavilion as skipper Westmoreland won the toss. Should we bat? Should we field? Or should we fuck off home before we embarrass ourselves further? We’re batting. Oh, well – at least it’s Appleton that gets to soak up the rain as we throw our kit about after a succession of cheap dismissals.

S. Dobner’s much vaunted return to the fold ended after one ball; setting the tone for the day he pulled his first delivery adeptly onto his stumps. Not a bad return for a 150 mile round trip, especially after convincing his missus that her Birthday would be best spent hearing his team mates swear about how shit they were whilst she made the teas. I. Howarth (15) lasted a little longer, but not as long as used to last. Forgetting the basics of protecting his stumps, Ian assuaged the view that he “got a corker, swinging in”. No, Ian – it was a straight ball that you played across you daft twat.

Another awesome, and wet, start to a Mad innings….

M. Reeves’ (4) decision to return from Florida also paid dividends as he safely negotiated three balls before failing with the fourth. Critical, Mike offered the view that he was “simply not good enough”. A true appraisal, but his innings was far superior to his skipper’s – Martin failing to trouble the scorers after just 3 balls. Both bowled, both unable to keep a straight ball out. Both totally inadequate.

Things did pick up marginally, but only because the steady rain became more of a drizzle. T. Smith’s acquisition of a 60 year old antique lump of driftwood reaped instant rewards as he posted the joint fifth-highest score of the innings with 4. G. Timms, ‘Noah’, looked at home in the squally conditions, yet failed to better Mr. Smith’s vertigo inducing total – he too, departing for 4; and A. Darley (15) would offer some lustful hitting before his defences were breached by a slow innocuous pie which did absolutely nothing. In fact it did so little, it almost offered an apology as it tickled the bails. “Fuckin’ ell, Andrew…” came the collective sigh.

Darley (15) didn’t read a copy of “Mastering Shit Bowling”….

That The MAD innings occupied as many as 36.3 overs was thanks in equal measures to Appleton’s decision to give their lesser bowlers a bowl (calling them bowlers is being generous here), and to D. Edwards’ (33) resolute determination to at least have The MAD post a sub-adequate total. Poor ole Dan, bemoaned for his rate of scoring, yet leaving a gaping chasm in his absence. His stoic knock finally undone by a waist-high doughnut he top-edged into the stratosphere. If this script was lacking some humour, then Reeves & Mortimer were allowed editing duties for the final chapter, as Dave ‘Diamond’ Emerson was ran out in farcical circumstances without facing a ball again (funny that). Perhaps wracked with guilt, J. Hotson (8) was bowled minutes later whilst avoiding flying bats from the boundary. 104 all out and a miserable J. Hoskins left stranded with his pet Mongoose on a faultless 0 not out.

A wonderful cake at odds with the FFTMCC cricketing display.

Sarcastic banter and enjoyable camaraderie accompanied Kim’s fine spread during the mid-innings interval – the Apples reminding us of a fine spirit coupled with a modicum of talent. The decorated cake was a particular standout, along with an impressive selection of sandwiches and quiche. Throughout this break it continued to rain – occasionally relenting only to piss down thereafter.

There were plenty of caps and hats on display on resumption of the game, a few hands tucked into armpits or pockets between balls to keep them dry. But it was a heartening display in the field, The MAD rekindling some desire as they flung themselves around in the mud and damp, clinging to any hope of a miraculous victory. D. Emerson (5-1-19-0) bowled with fire in his belly, as keeper Hotson found his gloves burnt on several occasions; whilst J. Hoskins (8-1-24-1) toiled away in his sunhat eventually snaring D. Manning (38) to break a stubborn opening partnership. One quickly brought two as A. Darley (5-0-31-1) was rewarded for his efforts, but G. Timms’ (4-0-14-1) bamboozling of Mr. Bungay (18) was as good as it got. Somehow fittingly, The MAD watched the final ball of the match bowled by T. Smith (2.2-0-12-0) disappear into a watercolour horizon as the Apples won out by 7 wickets.

J. Hotson (8) steers to leg, shortly before being mugged by D. Emerson.

With depressive and darkened thoughts ricocheting around his brain, Captain Westmoreland trudged dejectedly off the sopping wet outfield, hoping like everybody else that “…all these moments would be lost in time, like tears in the rain. [pause] Time to win a game….”

‘R. Hauer’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Appleton CC Played at Brasenose College, 5 June 2011 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Appleton CC won by 7 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

11 / 229 40 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth	b McKno	15	(32)	3	-	2-20
2	S. L. P. Dobner	b McKno	0	(1)	-	-	1-0
3	D. M. Edwards	c Bungay b G. Alder	33	(96)	1	-	8-104
4	M. K. Reeves	b McKno	4	(4)	1	-	3-24
5	M. T. Westmoreland *	b Crowe	0	(3)	-	-	4-29
6	T. P. W. Smith	c Bungay b C. Alder	4	(12)	1	-	5-34
7	G. J. Timms	b C. Alder	4	(10)	1	-	6-46
8	A. Darley	b Salmon	15	(24)	2	-	7-73
9	J. C. W. Hotson +	b Bennett	8	(32)	-	-	9-104
10	D. Emerson	run out	0	(0)	-	-	10-104
11	J. D. Hoskins	not out	0	(1)	-	-
	Extras	(NB2, W11, LB7, B1)	21
	TOTAL	(all out, 36.3 overs)	104

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Crowe	6	2	7	1
2	McKno	5	2	17	3
3	Salmon	7	1	30	1
4	C. Alder	4	2	5	2
5	Hammond	7	0	22	0
6	Hancock	5	1	6	0
7	G. Alder	2	0	9	1
8	Bennett	0.3	0	0	1

Team	Appleton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	E. Gilkes	b Darley	17		-	-	2-67
2	D. Manning	b Hoskins	38		6	-	1-67
3	E. Bennett	not out	16		2	-	-
4	M. Bungay	b Timms	18		2	-	3-100
5	G. Alder	not out	3		-	-	-
6	T. Crowe
7	C. McKno
8	B. Salmon
9	C. Alder
10	S. Hancock
11	A. Hammond
	Extras	(NB1, W7, B8)	16
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 24.2 overs)	108

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	5	1	19	0
2	Hoskins	8	1	24	1
3	Darley	5	0	31	1
4	Timms	4	0	14	1
5	Smith	2.2	0	12	0

MOTM: D. M. Edwards Champagne Moment: A. Darley’s wicket (if you can call it champagne) Buffet Award: A. Darley’s chocolate mousse (if you can call it mousse)

Opposition: V051 / 05 Ground: G040 / 14 Captain: C011 / 52