“MAD Wedding Crashers”

Match: 11 / 223

Lost by 8 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	72
I. Howarth 32, D. Emerson 19
Wootton & Bladon CC	73 - 2
D. Emerson 1 - 19

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Father of the Bride.

Ahem, well unaccustomed as I am to public speaking and hampered as I am by short term memory loss, meaning I have no clue what so ever as to recent events I feel it my duty to say a few words about this special gathering. I understand that my family has recently joined in happy union with our distant rotund cousins. The event was a traditional one taking place on a Sunday at Saint Wootton and the Bladons. The bride of course wore white as did the rest of the congregation. Everyone agreed that she looked lovely however it is not about her that I wish to speak. I would like to turn my attention instead to her eleven useless brothers.

Mike is well-versed in conference speeches.

They arrived at the venue in a sorry state, claiming the effects of an extended stag celebration the evening before. Although this is not at all an uncommon occurrence and therefore why this should affect their performance on this particular day is beyond me.

My eldest, Ian (32) is a talented chap and today he at least added some respectability to our side of the family. Our new partners, the W&B's did fair chuck all manner of pies at him which he fended off beautifully until a custard tart caught him under the eye and he departed. My second son Jake (0) is a strange fellow, I sometime wonder if he is bred from my loins at all. He is often to be found crouching around wearing some sort of mask, causing great hilarity to his brothers. Today I think the weight of being second eldest was too much for him and he soon left.

A “flush” of ducks.

I have high hopes for my third son Patrick (0.) Being a solicitor is an honourable profession and I'm sure he will go far, but today, despite claiming to be nowhere near the celebrations of last night he too could not last long. Also in the photos it appears he should belong to the other side of the family. I have no recollection at all of my next son M Rundle (0.) Who is this boy? Is he one of us? Just as soon as I remember who he is I will welcome him to the family, he seems to fit in with his brothers very well.

My fifth son Martin (5) is the most mature, the others often look to him for leadership. He was also head boy at school last year. A position that my eldest continues to complain about. Today he appeared out of sorts, but the good times are just around the corner. My sixth son David (19) was the black sheep of the family but recently he has turned things around. Many of his brothers speak warmly of having him 'in their team', but I have no idea what that means. Today again he performed admirably and may even have his eye on being head boy next year.

Leggate (centre) had just woken up from his skip.

I haven't seen the twins Leggate (0) and Thorn (0) yet today, they must be around here somewhere. Has anyone seen them at all? Young Gareth is the thinker of our family, some of his scribblings are wonderful. If he could think less about prose and more about putting bat on ball, he will go far. James (4 n.o) was the only one who didn't disgrace himself at some point today. I trust he had his pet mongoose with him. Whatever works for you son, keep it up. Finally my youngest, Christopher (0), what can I say about him? He should find his own way in the world and stop trying to copy his brothers Jake, Patrick, Rundle, Leggate and Thorn. Be a swan man, not a duck.

James [right] with his pet mongoose.

Ladies and Gentlemen – The Groom.

Thank you, thank you. First I would like to welcome the Wootton and Bladons to our side of the family. I know we have known each other for a long time and like all extended families we have had our ups and downs. Today I think we can all agree that they showed us a thing or two about how to turn up for an occasion like this. All I can say is that they are welcome at our place any time and we will try to put on a better show for them next time.

I would like to thank the ladies for a wonderful spread and to the gentleman who prepared such a lovely green pitch for the proceedings. I know it is traditional to have a best man, but I have broken with tradition and instead appointed six best men, so I will keep this short and hand over to them.

Edwina Curry (painting) casts an embarrassed eye on proceedings.

Ladies and Gentlemen – The Best Men.

BM1 – D Emerson (7.2.19.1) Before I start, is there a doctor in the house? My oldest brother seems to have sustained an injury to his thumb. This is apparently worthy of Champagne all round. I hate to say it, but that's an indication of what a sorry event this has been. I know it is traditional to read out a list of apologies, but frankly if I were to do that, we'd be here all day. I'd like to say hi to those two maidens I bagged earlier, you know where to reach me girls. One apology I will make is for that maidens gag, which is the oldest one in cricket. I'm sorry for the altercation I had with my new brother in law, J Bosh. That is a fine family name Mr Bosh. Sending you home was the highlight of my day.

BM2 – C Roberts (6.0.15.0) Apologies from me for being so miserly today. On our side of the family that is considered a good thing.

Members of the Wootton and Bladons.

BM3 – M Westmoreland (4.0.20.1) In contrast to my brother Chris I was extremely generous today handing round all manner of pies and tasty delights for our in laws to feast upon. Me and my brother Gareth discussed at length who should provide the catering for the wedding breakfast. In the end my brother prevailed as his style of buffet is a smaller more healthy option. Like me brother Dave, I too managed a rare moment of triumph over the in laws. Indeed my cries of 'one brings ten' have worked to great effect recently, but not today.

BM4 – J Hoskins (4.1.6.0) My brothers often turn to me in times of crisis and so it happened again today. Despite being the best wedding guest the Mad has ever seen even I couldn't turn this party around. I did manage to find myself a maiden and was the most tight-fisted of all the brothers today, but by the time I was ready to perform my star turn, the disco was already winding down.

BM5 – G Timms (2.0.11.0) I was a bit late in getting the buffet out but even so, I hope everyone appreciated it.

BM6 – T Smith (1.1 0 5 0) It was my job to call last orders, but by then everyone was more than ready to go home.

Mr Reeves’ rave new world.

‘The Groom’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Bladon CC Played at Marlborough School (Woodstock), 15 May 2011 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Wootton & Bladon CC won by 8 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: Mark Simon Rundle (117)

11 / 223 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	I. Howarth	b Manuel	32	(50)	6	-	5-61
2	J. C. W. Hotson +	b Barker	0	(5)	-	-	1-2
3	P. A. S. Mellor	b Floyd	0	(4)	-	-	2-3
4	M. S. Rundle	b Floyd	0	(3)	-	-	3-5
5	M. T. Westmoreland *	b Barker	5	(8)	1	-	4-10
6	D. Emerson	b Manuel	19	(27)	3	-	8-62
7	I. C. Leggate	b Edwards	0	(2)	-	-	6-62
8	T. P. W. Smith	b Edwards	0	(2)	-	-	7-62
9	G. J. Timms	b Edwards	4	(19)	-	-	9-71
10	J. D. Hoskins	not out	4	(14)	1	-	-
11	C. D. Roberts	b Edwards	0	(3)	-	-	10-72
	Extras	(NB1, W5, LB1, B1)	8
	TOTAL	(all out, 22.4 overs)	72

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Floyd	7	0	24	2
2	Barker	7	1	30	2
3	Edwards	4.4	0	9	4
4	Manuel	4	1	7	2

Team	Wootton & Bladon CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. Hambridge	not out	22				-
2	T. Poole +	lbw b Westmoreland	16				1-27
3	J. Bosh	b Emerson	12				2-42
4	W. Dale	not out	8				-
5	T. Clapham
6	S. Poole *
7	D. DeBono
8	G. Doggett
9	J. Barker
10	D. Floyd
11	H. Manuel
	Extras	(NB1, W7, LB2, B5)	15
	TOTAL	(for 2 wickets, 24.1 overs)	73

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	7	2	19	1
2	Roberts	6	0	15	0
3	Westmoreland	4	0	20	1
4	Hoskins	4	1	6	0
5	Timms	2	0	11	0
6	Smith	1.1	0	5	0

MOTM: I. Howarth Champagne Moment: I. Howarth’s injury to his thumb Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ spicy tango pancakes (with soya sauce)

Opposition: V027 / 15 Ground: G031 / 04 Captain: C011 / 48