“2011
Tour Ratings”
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The cast of characters from MAD Tour 2011. The Far from the MCC’s Tour
of Southsea, Portsmouth was a resounding success on many levels, especially
if you ignore the results of the cricket. And here, following on from the
epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the findings for 2011…. ‘Tour
Player Inspector’
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Name: Bovine Mascot Rating: 2 udders out of 6
Left marginalised due to
the rapid groundswell of popularity afforded to Duck, Bovine has cut an
increasingly dejected mascot this season. Or it could be the malaise enveloping
his father and mentor, Skipper Westmoreland? Either way – he seems at odds
with the world. After nearly 3 years of inactivity, he did amaze all, when
suddenly bursting into life at Portchester to go through his renditions of “moooooooooooooo” despite no apparent prompting. Maybe
there’s life in the old alkaline batteries yet? |
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Name: Rating: Ticked along nicely
An energetic presence on
Tour, Steve divided his time equally between antagonising his team mates, getting
hammered on cheap lager, and getting up each morning to jog his fat arse up
and down the Southsea seafront. Of course Steve’s Tour almost never happened
– a flash of wisdom saw him lending Kim his wallet only for some lowlife
Essex scumbag to nick his piggy-bank savings. On the field Twinkle
showed fleeting signs of form with the bat, but was decidedly happier behind
the stumps where he could exercise his mouth. Steve loses points for refusing
to eat food at a bug jam he described as “hippy shit”, cobbing and instead
walking back into town to plough his dough into some charmless Irish bar
(which apparently provided the calorific breakfast necessary to break the 4
hour mile). |
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Name: Duck Duck Rating: Toxic on the Stinkometer
Now into his third Tour
of Duty, Duck is a battle hardened touring mascot with an unquenchable
thirst. This raging desire for liquid was only magnified following his RSPB
rescue from the stifling confines of the Tour Bus on Hayling Island. However
his unflappable (sic) reputation was sullied the following day after terrifying
a female driver with those soulless eyes – an afternoon on the piss ending in
his soggy form splatting onto her car windscreen. He spent the remainder of Tour
drying out and attracting flies. |
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Name: Dan Edwards Duck Rating: 42 – (29 + 8 + 3)
Dan’s understated and
exceptional talent at pirate golf rescued a Tour bereft of any show reel
highlights. A man whose obdurate and steel-like defences have provided the
backbone for many a Mad innings were sadly absent. Spellcaster did freak the
opposition out with his threshing deliveries in Portchester, but he did cut a
cardboard cut-out of himself as a sniper took him out on regular occasions on
the boundary. Calm and chilled away
from battle, Dan threw himself into any ridiculous antics that the team got
up to, but the absence of his rabid black mongrel was etched on his face for
all to see. How the dog missed that fateful Tour to Eastbourne…. |
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Name: Dave Emerson Rating: 95 out of 200
2011 was a breakthrough
Tour for Dave – not only did he finally score some runs in the longer form of
the game; he also avoided any surplus surcharges for the use of his hotel
room. He embraced Southsea with open arms, shunning the sun in favour of
alcohol for his tan. It was perhaps unfortunate that the local ladies didn’t
reciprocate his questionable intentions, as Wonky made the effort to remain
sober for at least 10 minutes of every evening. On the field Dave laid
his soul bare – charging in day after day with his 8-pack of Strongbow, but
despite that knock at Portchester
CC, he still managed to get caught by a girl [Hayling island]. His rating is
upped by a strong showing at the curry house, but then lowered after starlings
scared him at the seafront. He also failed miserably to write up the Tour
Player Ratings – as is his want…. |
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Name: James Hoskins Rating: 2 curries out of 3
‘Uncle Albert’ was tired
this Tour. Though fuck know’s why…. Okay, he
organised Tour, he delegated prices at the hotel, he drove the team bus, he skippered,
he bowled his socks off, opened the batting, updated The MAD Fantasy scores
game by game, all whilst juggling match photography and navigating pub
crawls. But is that really the sum of it?! Jesus fucking Christ…. [sigh] When
he was bothered to do anything, JMO
showed glimpses of class at pirate golf and the undoubted intestines for the
challenge of a mutherfucking hot curry. James’
rating is lowered for allowing his mother to litter Longparish – utilising
small pieces of paper stapled to every available tree to indicate “the ground
is this way….” James’ profile has more
expletives than any other fuckers because his mum always reads this site – and
is duly appalled at the language and tells the silly %^$£ off. Titter titter titter… arf arf. |
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Name: Jake Hotson Rating: 24 out of 81
Happy to report that
Jake’s lungs managed to hold up for another Tour. He could be found most
mornings sat outside an Irish pub doing his best to choke himself whilst
hugging onto his obligatory morning cuppa. A true performer on the Big Stage
of Drinking, Jakester would offer many whimsical observations as the team
descended into drunken oblivion – especially if anyone bothered listening to him…. On the field, The Judge
hit a personal high score whilst shattering The MAD eighth wicket partnership
record – proving that regular T20 captaincy has lifted his game to a higher echelon.
Alas, his final score is lowered due to bailing out of a Tour haircut and
resembling some hobo dwelling under Waterloo Bridge. |
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Name: Ian Howarth Rating: 109 out of 224
Renowned for his dietary
problems on Tour (scratched record), Ian strayed away from any kebab vans
whilst in Southsea – preferring the local fish from Russia (with chips). He
did undertake some radioactive material on curry night, but largely retained
his intestines for most of the trip – despite drowning his liver in cider at
every opportunity. After a mercurial
century on Hayling Island, his ego ran riot as he demanded the Captain’s
armband the following day. Needless to say he had a shocker and the team got
a kicking. There was a very good
reason you stopped skippering dipshit! Ian loses points for wayward pirate
golf, but gains a couple for regularly monitoring the dryness of his room
mates’ mattress. He also provided the guys with a taxi service by driving the
team bus home. |
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Name: Ian Leggate Rating: 3 curries out of 3
The barometer for all
touring lunacy, Gonzo kicked proceedings off on the Tour Bus with a 3CD box
set of Rastafarian riddims, before skippering the first match wearing a
toilet seat. Other accessories would include a Hawaiian shirt with only one
button, and “Captain” Jack Sparrow’s bandana. Ian can drink for
England (and Wales) and can indulge in double anything Keith Richards might
want to challenge him to. His curry eating exploits were no mean feat either
– keeping up with chilli eating legend J. Hoskins and passing him on the
final bend. On the field, Gonzo cemented himself into MAD folklore by
securing a now ratified tenth wicket partnership record of 49* and managing
to deliver a 12 ball over that was carted for the princely sum of 35 runs.
Forever upbeat, surreal and comedic – Ian’s presence on Tour is utterly
irreplaceable. |
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Name: James Pearson Rating: 56 out of 180
Selfishly, Fattori opted
out of signing up for the full Tour
experience, instead opting to do important coursework whilst juggling SKY TV
and getting hammered at Bar Baby. Equally selfish was his decision to get
castled off the final ball of the Longparish game and leave his team 6 runs
short of a famous tie…. The fact he anchored the innings with 56 is neither
here nor there. James needs to draw on his military past and earn his stripes
– one cavalier appearance on the final leg of Tour does not a badge make.
Sort it out you lazy institutionalised bastard! |
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Name: Mike Reeves Rating: 2 wives out of 1
Ol’
Big Head’s Tour somehow encapsulated his further descent into darkness, appalling
everyone by disappearing one sunny morning to see his polygamist family on
the Isle of Wight. He even had the audacity to assure his team mates they
would be receiving invites to a “second wedding reception in twelve months”. Mike did his bit to help
the Portsmouth pub trade as he formed a Marlborough Drinking Regiment with D.
Edwards, but on the field the crisis enveloping his cricketing career was
there for all to see. Reduced to a quivering wreck in the face of 14yr old
Amber Longhurst, Cloughie has been seen his role in
the team lowered to that of “death hitter” – coming in at the tail to right
the wrongs of his incompetent team mates before him. Usually a wry turn at
the bar, Mike’s permeating malevolence had Duck in tears. |
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Name: Chris Roberts Rating: 68.74 + 0.63008·Arm span – 0.1019·Age, R² =
0.7219, RSD 4.122;
Even whilst padded up
for no reason for the umpteenth time this year at Portchester, Bob still
retained that happy demeanour that drives us cynics to envy. Resisting calls
to develop a “nasty side” to his bowling (and life in general), Tall Bob
instead laughed everything off and drained Southsea’s copious supply of beer
inside his copiously long legs. Talking of limbs – and a day on the piss –
Bob was fast tracked into an experiment at a harbour pub to ascertain any
truth in the argument of arm span
versus standing height. Debate raged for hours as he was forced to lie on
a dirty cobbled floor whilst team mates measured his proportions “accurately”
using their feet. A discrepancy in Bob’s arm span would show fallibility in
the below equation by Spirometry expert J. M. Parker: White males: Height = 68.74 + 0.63008·Arm span -
0.1019·Age, R² = 0.7219, RSD 4.122; Despite Bob’s arms being
too short, he did to manage to slap some useful runs when he got a bat, and
cause batsmen problems despite being too nice. |
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Name: Thornton Smith Rating: 14” x 2
Charity shops throughout
the Portsmouth borough rejoiced on hearing Team MAD were visiting the locale;
happy in the knowledge that beatnik Mr. Smith would be lining their tills as
he filled the Tour Bus with 3 tonnes of “bargain” junk. Bar and pizza trade
was also boosted immeasurably by Thorn’s presence, although his increase in
said body mass did little to prevent his inebriated form being blown off a
fence at the seafront. A vivacious presence as ever, Thorn provided many
comedic moments – in particular his dismissal on Hayling Island after leaving
a ball on middle stump. Hahaha – you stupid ^&%$.
Cricket would, however,
became a peripheral distraction once Flash discovered a huge open-air bug jam
by the Southsea pier – love at second, third, fourth and sixty fifth sight. |
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Name: Gary Timms Rating: Gold Medal
Part Deux of the Cavalry
Reinforcements granted to Team Mad on the final day of Tour, Gary hit the
ground running by getting belted all over Hampshire and securing his touring
legacy with yet another golden duck. Injecting his cocktail of understated
warmth and infectious humour, it is hoped Noah can be prized away from one of
his 16,000 scheduled wedding receptions in 2012, in favour of damaging his
liver and reputation [again] on Tour. |
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Name: Martin Westmoreland Rating: A game of Two Halves, Brian
Dear, oh dear. If a Tour
was graded solely on an individual’s cricketing achievements, then Martin
would have been expelled by Sunday. But cricket is just a tiny portion of the
cake, to which extent he passed his examinations – just! The embodiment of Tour,
team mates feed off his mix of northern wit and uplifting energy; so much so,
they even find words of comfort after he produces another shocker in the
field. Moo will always throw himself into the mixer – however daft the
proposition. Daylong drinking and eating obstacles are laid to waste. Following on from his
mental disintegration in the final of the Pirate Golf Invitational Classic, |
