“Cob No More”

Match: 12 / 255

Lost by 9 Wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	129
S. Dobner 42, D. Edwards 25, D. Emerson 23
Horspath CC	135 - 1
J. Pearson 1 - 13

Winter in the Shires can often be a cold and unforgiving experience. A prolonged and downbeat period of time, where once leafy cricket pitches remain dormant as the inhabitants of towns and villages look ruefully out of rain splattered windows; wistfully remembering a sport that provided a demographic to the sunnier months of the year. In an unusual and highly commendable move, Horspath CC agreed in principle to divide these winter months in half and host a game against the FFTMCC… or at least that’s what it felt like as the first game of 2012 was played out in temperatures that seemingly hovered just above zero with a wind that cut right through your spine. Throw in a bout of hailstones midway through the match, and I doubt an eyebrow would have been raised if a waddle of penguins had, er… shuffled by.

Thalidomide cricket – or are they just cold?

With the ink still drying on his latest contract, Captain Westmoreland was to make the new ‘Clean Up The Club’ (C.U.T.C) campaign the signature of his fourth term of office. For years, and especially in recent seasons, honourable behaviour in the face of questionable decisions had slowly drained down the plughole. Allied to regular on-field disappointments (of which there are increasingly many) – bat and kit throwing escapades accompanied by booze fuelled cobs had seemingly become the norm. What was perhaps even more worrying was the age of Mad children in attendance had now reached a point where they could begin to assimilate this strange and colourful language and interpret shows of pique in their own imitable ways. The very thought of seeing Mini Moo launching a half-size bat against his younger brother’s forehead and remonstrating with his dad after losing his plastic middle stump had been enough to see the most recent AGM vote in this new Campaign.

“Don’t worry about all this C.U.T.C bollocks, son – get a milk and beer down ya!”

Following last year’s pounding at this very venue, a successful coin toss allowed Martin the luxury of writing a completely different story – namely batting first and posting this Cherwell hierarchy a target of 400 plus. Opening up – and grabbing the bull by the horns – Moo was just 388 short of this number when he fell for 6 bowled by the irregular H. Moon (5-1-14-1).

Another altogether more intriguing item on the Skipper’s ‘2012 Resume’ was the implementation of a modified ‘Batting Pool System’ – an ideology first employed by T20 Skipper, J. Hotson, back on Tour in 2005*. In principle, and at the fall of the first few wickets, a top-order batsman would be replaced by another cut from similar cloth – thus hopefully maintaining the status quo of one obdurate batsman partnered by one with more aggressive leanings. This would hopefully reduce the chances of Geoff Boycott batting with Geoff Boycott and put an end to the audible moaning from the sidelines.

Geoff Boycott is dwarfed by Tall Bob’s winter growth.

Martin’s departure thus saw the introduction of I. Howarth – a player whose attacking style merited obvious inclusion in the much vaunted ‘Aggressive Pool’. That said, both he and his ‘AP’ compatriot, P. Mellor, could just as easily have populated the ‘Brainless Pool’. Despite a previous over from D. Todd which realised a weighty 15 runs, both Howarth (20) and Mellor (0) saw fit to try and deposit the tousle-haired leg spinner’s subsequent over on top of the BMW plant. Clueless in the extreme, but perhaps both were trying overly hard to justify their inclusion in said pool? That said, knowing both their temperaments – the nature of their dismissals was hardly a slap across the face. A special note should be made of the aforementioned D. Todd – the youngster returning the quite exemplary figures of 7.4-1-36-5 in the face of arrogant misguided bullies.

S. Dobner (42) rocks back to hit one through the covers.

Waiting patiently in the ‘Technically More Patient Pool’ (less gratifying names were banded about coincidentally), J. Pearson saw his opportunity knock after D. Edwards’ enterprising 25 was ended by a sharp catch behind. James utilised the exact same number of deliveries (17) as it transpired, but after the former was triggered by the latter, his run column would prove 20 less. James could of course point to a perverse batting line-up, an awkward wait on a rickety white chair, and Howarth’s festering resentment of an lbw he’d received off him 2 years ago to the day... but he accepted it all with a grace which the new C.U.T.C Campaign could be proud. Well done, James – and in fact well done everyone for that matter. Even fellow duckster, T. Smith, resisted the temptation for bat throwing pyrotechnics – and instead took his frustrations out by dropping his girlfriend’s little daughter face first on some concrete.

S. Dobner and D. Emerson against the backdrop of Horspath CC.

The MAD would eventually realise 129 all out off 37.4 overs largely thanks to a heartening sixth wicket partnership of 63 from a rejuvenated S. Dobner (42) and a sober D. Emerson (23). It was punctuated by classy blows for four and only serves to illustrate what can be achieved when you remember how to bat – and, in Dave’s case – remember not to drink. Remaining contributors to The MAD total were J. Newman with pugnacious 1, G. Timms with an entertaining boundary-peppered 4 and a studious C. Roberts (0*) remaining strangely intact in the face of the impressive C. Holmes (7-3-9-1).

As an aside – has anyone ever witnessed cycle speedway? I thought not. Well, Horspath CC boasts one of these short oval dirt tracks in its top most corner – and throughout the majority of The MAD innings, cyclists could be seen kicking each other into the mesh fencing whilst a tannoy whipped the small crowd into a frenzy. Curiousity value was high, but it didn’t quite sit with the ambience of a cricket match….

Rollerball for the 21^st century.

A delay before the tea interval saw Emerson (8-2-23-0) and Newman (6-0-25-0) let off the leash as The MAD looked for an early breakthrough. Despite Salad bouncing a couple over middle stump and a reasonably close Wonky LBW appeal, the hosts would sit comfortably around their dinner table at 42-0 off 10. It was with great irony that the warmest part of the day should be spent sat inside the clubhouse – the reappearance of the teams coinciding beautifully with a return of blanket grey skies and Siberian winds. One should also make special mention to the delightful tea ladies of Horspath – the first spread of the year went down a storm and met with universal applause. Excellent stuff – and Mr. Dobner, if you are reading – please take note!

It is plausible the extra poundage had something to do with the visitor’s listless post-tea display – the combination of Decaires (30), O’Connor (51*) and J. Todd (30*) seeing Horspath romp home with some 15 overs to spare. C. Roberts (3-0-36-0) struggled for line and length, G. Timms (3-0-16-0) failed in his quest for a promised 10-for, T. Smith (1.2-0-14-0) saw his last delivery spanked out the park – and only J. Pearson (3-1-13-1) would return a scalp (skipper Westmoreland demonstrating how to catch a ball after watching Howarth grass a routine effort a few balls previous).

Applauding a ‘good’ team in.

There was certainly no shame in defeat – you need emotions such as guilt, disgrace or embarrassment to experience that; characteristics the FFTMCC have long since discarded. If anything there was a mood of optimism as the final ball slammed into a car windscreen – cricket was back! Win, draw or get a complete unlubricated shafting – it’s what we look forward to every bloody winter….

‘B. R. Aindead’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Horspath CC Played at Horspath, 15 April 2012 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Horspath CC won by 9 wickets Far from the MCC debuts: none

12 / 255 40 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	c J. Todd b Heritage	25	(47)	3	1	3-52
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	b Moon	6	(21)	1	-	1-12
3	I. Howarth	b D. Todd	20	(17)	4	-	2-52
4	P. A. S. Mellor	c Hamilton b D. Todd	0	(6)	-	-	4-52
5	J. W. Pearson	lbw b Heritage	0	(17)	-	-	5-56
6	S. L. P. Dobner +	b Holmes	42	(61)	7	-	8-124
7	D. Emerson	st J. Todd b Jeacock	23	(34)	4	-	6-119
8	T. P. W. Smith	b D. Todd	0	(4)	-	-	7-120
9	J. Newman-Robson	lbw b D. Todd	1	(3)	-	-	9-124
10	C. D. Roberts	not out	0	(8)	-	-	-
11	G. J. Timms	b D. Todd	4	(9)	1	-	10-129
	Extras	(W1, NB1, LB2, B4)	8
	TOTAL	(all out, 37.4 overs)	129

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Holmes	7	3	9	1
2	Moon	5	1	14	1
3	Heritage	6	4	12	2
4	D. Todd	7.4	1	36	5
5	Fox	6	1	33	0
6	Jeacock	6	1	19	1

Team	Horspath CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Decaires	c Westmoreland b Pearson	30	(44)	5	-	1-85
2	D. O’Connor	not out	51	(84)	8	-	-
3	J. Todd +	not out	32	(22)	4	1	-
4	D. Heritage
5	C. Thompson
6	D. Todd
7	P. Jeacock
8	C. Fox
9	H. Moon
10	C. Holmes
11	G. Hamilton
	Extras	(W10, B12)	22
	TOTAL	(for 1 wicket, 24.2 overs)	135

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	8	2	23	0
2	Newman	6	0	25	0
3	Roberts	3	0	36	0
4	Timms	3	0	16	0
5	Pearson	3	1	13	1
6	Smith	1.2	0	14	0

MOTM: S. L. P. Dobner Champagne Moment: D. M. Edwards’ straight six Buffet Award: C. D. Roberts’ liquorice allsorts (family sized box)

Opposition: V057 / 03 Ground: G046 / 03 Captain: C011 / 63

Match Fines

* - Link to Additional Report from 2005