“Roberts’ Heroics

Trumpet Gonzo Farewell”

Match: 12 / 256

Won by 1 Wkt

Team	Total
Wootton & Bladon CC	143 - 5
D. Edwards 3 - 17, D. Shorten 2 - 22
FFTMCC	147 - 9
I. Howarth 44, D. Emerson 25, D. Edwards 23

Almost four years ago* to the very day, Ian Leggate debuted for the FFTMCC in a stirring encounter against Wootton & Bladon in Woodstock – a match memorable for some late order heroics from J. Hoskins as The MAD chased down 144 for victory after a sizeable collapse. Ian would get a duck on that day. Today, at the very same venue, Chris Roberts would repeat those late order heroics as The MAD again chased down 144 for victory after a sizeable collapse. Ian would again register a duck on this day. Perfect symmetry – and in a way, a fitting and yet endearing way with which Gonzo can now leave these shores as he flies half way around the globe to stalk the Club’s Director of Overseas Development (Sandra).

Unfit for purpose – I. Leggate 13.05.12 12:27

As the robust Wootton & Bladon figurehead, Steve Poole will testify, contests between these two clubs have always produced excellent games of cricket. Two keenly equivalent teams, close finishes preceded by wild swings in fortune, plenty of banter and a healthy modicum of needle. Of course many of the players know each other rather too well after a decade of duels. Mr. Poole is always courteous to Mr. Howarth “hello, Ian – your head shrank from that knock last year you twat?” Mr. Howarth is similarly respectful to Mr. Poole “I’m fine thanks, Steve – nice to see you’ve been on the treadmill over winter you fat fuck.” Other members of the comprised units are slightly more refined in their respective behaviour, but nonetheless barbed in their witticisms.

Mastering the vagaries of an extremely soft and green Marlborough School pitch would ultimately decide the outcome of this encounter. D. Shorten justified his Skipper’s decision to bowl first by getting his first delivery to swing in before nipping back further and flummoxing D. Gordon for 1. An amazing start and when Dave (7-1-22-2) repeated the dose to shift A. Hambridge (15) The MAD sensed something special – had Lego been formulating some bamboozling new delivery whilst squirreled away in the Boars Hill mountain range over winter? Er… probably not, because the next break through wouldn’t happen for well over an hour…. Wonky would (7-0-18-0) defend his patented ‘Dave Emerson Opening Bowler No Wicket Trophy’, J. Newman (6-0-28-0) would show the ill-effects of no cricket in the past 38 months and J. Pearson (6-1-22-0) would go through the motions whilst looking half asleep. Throughout this period of the match, G. Doggett would demonstrate a full understanding of Chapter 8 – Subsection II of the “Village Handbook of Cricket”.

Fixture guru and scorer D. Hambridge keeps tabs on things.

Excerpt from the ‘Village Handbook of Cricket’: Chapter 8 – Subsection II:

“Batting on slow grassy pitches recently pissed on”

If possible, get a couple of sighters. Once you’ve done that (a) dispense with all this technical bollocks and think of a number between 0 and 3. That is the number of balls you need to block: lunge forward, obscure the stumps and get everything behind it – your arse, your gut – the whole fucking lot. There’s no bloody way your own umpire’s gonna saw you off. Next (b) give yourself room and clump the next fucker down cow – aim for the allotments or stinging nettles as it’s really funny watching the opposition get the ball. Repeat steps (a) and (b) as long as your luck holds out. No pissing around.

Indeed, so effective was Mr. Doggett’s (48) innings, that the earth oven belonging to D. Edwards was fired up in anticipation of some tantalising pie. Martin had obviously pad keen attention to Chapter 13 – Subsection IV of said handbook.

Excerpt from the ‘Village Handbook of Cricket’: Chapter 13 – Subsection IV:

“Countering cowmanship with the ball”

Occasionally, a batsman of limited scope, but of a decent eye, can start to build an annoyingly effective innings. In situations such as this (a) immediately banish any regular bowler from the attack and bring on a pie-chucker. Next (b) dispense with a standard field setting and get everyone to stand by the allotments close by Ermintrude the Cow. There ain’t a slogger in the world who don’t aim for that fucking corner.

Inevitably, Edwards’ (6-0-17-3) tasty repertoire proved too alluring for the Wootton batsman. Three times they would hear the death rattle whilst attempting to clear said milk producing farm animal – and for one fleeting moment, Dan had hopes of a hat-trick. With Roberts (3-0-24-0) supplementing their gluttonous diet, the home side would realise a portly 143-5 off their 35 overs. The immovable D. Floyd remained unbeaten with a strangely subdued 48 not out.

Time for tea – Ray Mears style.

Tea provided a welcome respite from all this standing around in an open expanse of countryside and Leggate took full advantage by cushioning his backside on the face of new Mad mascot Giant Duck. Here, he would regale stories to his father about the day he took a 5-for at Blenheim Palace in front of the Duke; and how the previous evening he dispensed with the whole notion of sleep in favour of conducting out of body experiences before rocking up as Keith Richards for a family christening. He claimed to be blessed – or at least that was what the vicar had told him.

Leggate Snr reads Ian’s dissertation on the supermoon.

In reply, Edwards and Westmoreland (15) found the opening salvo of D. Gordon (7-2-11-1) rather lively. The West Hendred superstar trying and finally finding the outside of the Skipper’s bat after a succession of play and misses. There would be no further alarms as Edwards was joined at the crease by a hangover-afflicted I. Howarth – and despite the latter’s numerous attempts to get himself out, the score passed 50 as Wootton shoulders began to slump. But there was always the pitch to negotiate: slow, soft and erratic, with an occasional loopy bounce. Conversely it was the occasional non-bounce that did for Dan (23) – bowled with the score on 86-1 after T. Poole turned to himself to inject some pudding into the Wootton gut. With a mere 58 runs to collect for victory, surely even The MAD couldn’t make a mess of this one?

The only certainty about a Mad innings is the inevitable structural fragility that leads to eventual subsidence. Collapse Numero Uno was now well underway after Edwards’ dismissal, which was furthered by Pearson (2) and M. Reeves (1) who both developed hearing impediments to any advice from outgoing batsmen concerning the pitch. With Howarth (44) now the recognised batsman, he embraced his responsibility by clumping a few boundaries and exiting stage left. The MAD House has now lost the veranda and the garage wall showed signs of slippage.

J. Hotson exits stage right….

Collapse Numero Duo would be popularised by I. Leggate (0), J. Hotson (3), D. Emerson (25) and Mr. Shorten (0). The fact the whole place didn’t come crashing down was mainly due to Mr. Emerson furthering his sober credentials by applying a few uprights under the bathroom extension. Still, the FFTMCC has created a major problem in finding themselves 134-9 requiring another 10 for victory.

Curiously, that could well have been the end of the match – for the little matter of 24 hours previous The MAD only having 10 players before J. Newman answered an SOS call. He would now find himself at the wicket with Chris Roberts – with glory beckoning would they stand up and be counted?

Salad and Tall Bob await their eventual glory.

Excerpt from the ‘Village Handbook of Cricket’: Chapter 2 – Subsection III:

“Bringing a game home (batting down the order)”

All of us ole boys at some point have to do the job of the batsmen – and that is to knock off the remaining runs for victory. It’s really quite simple if you (a) don’t so much as give a fuck and just go out there, and (b) just try and twat anything out the park. Don’t concern yourself with line and length or the science of the bloody game – it’s all bollocks. It’s about swinging the bat and getting back to the pub.

Whilst Mr. Newman (2*) adhered to the time-honoured tradition of playing every ball diligently and on its merit, Mr. Roberts paid homage to Chapter 2 – Subsection III of the above ‘Village Handbook’. If you were to describe the way Tall Bob bats with just a few simple words, you would have to say he is unflustered and uncomplicated. Wootton opening bowler S. Edwards (6.4-0-43-0) found out to his cost as Bob (11*) slapped him over square and straight over mid-on for the winning runs. The FFTMCC won out a truly great game of cricket by a solitary wicket.

Farewell Gonzo….

But this report isn’t concentrated on Mr. Roberts’ welcome heroics, it describes a temporary pause in The MAD cricketing career of the uniquely leftfield I. Leggate. As this report goes full circle, so has the Ian’s 4-year MAD career as this team chased down 143 once more. I think I speak for everyone when I wish Gonzo well on his travels – I hope you find what you’re looking for. Let’s just hope he doesn’t duck out of any important decisions….

See you soon my friend.

‘Avid fan’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Wootton & Bladon C.C. Played at Woodstock, 13 May 2012 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 1 wicket Far from the MCC debuts: none

12 / 256 35 over match

Team	Wootton & Bladon CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Gordon	b Shorten	1				1-2
2	A. Hambridge	b Shorten	15				2-27
3	D. Floyd	not out	48				-
4	G. Doggett	b Edwards	38				3-110
5	N. Hambridge	b Edwards	12				4-136
6	D. Debono	b Edwards	0				5-136
7	B. Dale	not out	4				-
8	T. Poole *
9	S. Poole
10	J. Floyd
11	S. Edwards
	Extras	(NB3, W10, LB1, B11)	25
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 35 overs)	143

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Emerson	7	0	18	0
2	Shorten	7	1	22	2
3	Newman	6	0	28	0
4	Pearson	6	1	22	0
5	Edwards	6	0	17	3
6	Roberts	3	0	24	0

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. M. Edwards	b T. Poole	23	(64)	3	-	2-86
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	c Doggett b Gordon	15	(25)	1	-	1-18
3	I. Howarth	c Doggett b Floyd	44	(59)	6	-	5-102
4	J. W. Pearson	c Dale b Floyd	2	(6)	-	-	3-90
5	M. K. Reeves	b T. Poole	1	(5)	-	-	4-91
6	I. C. Leggate	b Floyd	0	(6)	-	-	6-107
7	D. Emerson	c b T. Poole	25	(24)	3	-	8-134
8	J. C. W. Hotson +	c b T.Poole	3	(10)	-	-	7-121
9	D. Shorten	b T. Poole	0	(2)	-	-	9-134
10	C. D. Roberts	not out	11	(6)	2	-	-
11	J. Newman-Robson	not out	2	(2)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB1, W9, LB2, B9)	21
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 34.4 overs)	147

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Gordon	7	2	11	1
2	Edwards	6.4	0	43	0
3	J. Floyd	7	0	25	3
4	S. Poole	4	0	18	0
5	Dale	3	0	21	0
6	T. Poole	7	0	22	5

MOTM: D. M. Edwards’ runs and wickets Champagne Moment: C. D. Roberts’ lofted four for victory Buffet Award: C. C. Roberts’ generously topped egg flan

Opposition: V027 / 17 Ground: G031 / 05 Captain: C011 / 64

Match Fines

* - Link to Additional Report from 2008