“Money”

Match: 12 / 276

Lost by 5 Wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	216 - 5
M. Westmoreland 89, R. Turner 63
Portchester CC	218 - 5
C. Roberts 2 - 35, I. Howarth 2 - 55

Throughout this wet and soggy season, a phrase coined originally by Mike Reeves after attempting to reverse the ailments in his batting technique, has somehow entwined itself in native MAD Tongue. For this fourth encounter against our friends from Portsmouth, Mike was told to “just throw some money at it” and give these guys a fitting Tour memory. This he did by splashing £200 on a piece of plastic next to some lumpy grass by some imposing concrete utopias which double as science labs for vivisectionists. It wasn’t bad, Club Parks (as it is now known) has a bar open practically 24/7, SKY TV and excellent viewing terraces. Unfortunately, prior to the game, the majority of the players had to “throw some money” at parking meters and varying public transport due to its central location.

The Portchester 2012 tourists.

The Portchester team arrived promptly sometime after 14:00 for a 13:30 start and as their players slumped on their kit bags nursing hangovers, it was clear they had “thrown considerable money” at the Oxford night scene. Oxford has a night scene? Hmm. Maybe the local Crime Lords have been busy “throwing money” at the prostitution franchise on the Cowley Road and invigorating their lap-dance and shag parlours?

Paul Hungerford’s Birthday falls on Tour every year….

James Pearson has complained about his bat recently and maybe he should “throw some money” at buying a new one? After being put into bat, he hit 20 off just 12 balls using a knackered old club one. Howarth on the other hand “threw a not inconsiderable lump of dosh” on a new Onhand bat at the fall of 2011. So far his outgoings do not tally with his net incomings and after also “throwing some money” at the Kings Arms and Club Bar prior to his knock (if it can be called that), he followed Mr Pearson back to sample the now flowing amber nectar having notched not a lot.

The gorgeous animal torture chambers flank one side of Club Parks.

Skipper Westmoreland also “threw some money” at his batting, by importing three varying pieces of timber from some child-labour camp in the Far East. Not that Moo gives a shit, he’s timing the ball just fine, and as long as he doesn’t have to read about the conditions these poor bastards are sold into each year, his conscience is clear. We’re not quite sure about Mr. Turner however, as he’s quite new to the fold, but he certainly “throws money at the bar” – an endearing quality in any man. Against some rather friendly Pompey bowling, Westmoreland and Turner evoked memories of yore when members of the team knew which end of the bat to hold. It was like watching two starving Serengeti lions tearing strips off lame wildlife, the big cats caught out in the mid-afternoon sun. In total the pair plundered a club record 149 runs for the third wicket and became only the fifteenth pair to record 50s for The MAD in the same innings.

Turner in action scoring a personal best for The MAD.

The slaughter eventually ended when Turner (63) could eat no more, collapsing in the shadows of the pavilion for a well-deserved sleep. Notwithstanding his own sizeable appetite, even Westmoreland (89) could feast no more, unable to outrun an Albanian huntsman (J. Jeal 4-0-21-2) with the score on 203-3.

Bar profits were definitely up for this particular Saturday in September.

Mr. Reeves (2) obviously still needs to “throw yet more money” at his batting, although judging from Steve Dobner’s (14*) creaking limbs, maybe he should be “throwing some money” at a chiropractor or something? Dave Emerson (5*) “threw money” into brushes and acrylic paint at the start of the year and his artistic efforts were there for all to see, brandishing his unique and colourful bat to end the innings on 218 for 5.

Tea and more club funds was dished out to the Dobner Clan – poor Kim forsaking another “spare” weekend to prepare another lovely spread for the unthankful fuckers who sat about eating it. Any small profits are immediately “thrown at” her husband’s petrol bill.

Martin (right) contemplates a non-century.

“Now for the fun part,” said the tourists. “We’ve given these accommodating local pissheads enough runs whilst we jogged after some leather, so now let’s smack it about a bit.” This they duly did as “money was thrown at” hospital beds for Reeves (4-0-33-0), Rundle (3-0-32-0) and Emerson (3-0-34-0). It was a brutal assault with the ball disappearing into adjoining fields and animal-mangling labs with alarming regularity. C. Locke (65) was the main protagonist with five larger than larger XXL sixes, one of which sailed off Reeves to the other side of the planet.

The carnage was eventually arrested in the 13th over on 125, an addled Howarth (7-0-55-2) accounting for both the aforementioned Locke and a vomitocke and a puikdand a puik lery and dressing)-stained Paul Hungerford (64). That both batsmen could actually play cricket was testament to their recuperative powers, but to see the ball hit as well as they did was quite honestly astonishing.

Mr Locke (65) prepares to put another ball into orbit.

Over winter we might “throw some money” at a MAD hoodie for Ed Jordan (9), he once deputised for us and hit a staggeringly large six. That day he was marooned due to the incompetence of Ian Leggate, this day ended due to incompetence all his own. Chris Roberts’ decision to “throw some money at his bowling” has seen a huge improvement to his game, and here he was rewarded with figures of 6-0-35-2 (and a direct run out to boot).

It was all left to the Skipper (1.3-0-7-0) to give himself a bowl at the 25th over and watch the final ball sail into oblivion, now signalling a start to what the Far from the MCC do best – drink. Here being a wonderful excuse to “throw some serious money” over the bar.

‘Chancellor of the Exchequer’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Portchester CC Played at University Club, 1 September 2012 Portchester CC won the toss and elected to field Portchester CC won by 5 wickets Far from the MCC debuts: none

12 / 276 35 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. W. Pearson	c Hungerford b Vincent	20	(12)	3	-	1-22
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	b Jeal	89	(93)	14	2	4-203
3	I. Howarth	b Vincent	0	(6)	-	-	2-28
4	R. P. Turner	c Vincent b Kelly	63	(72)	6	-	3-177
5	S. L. P. Dobner	not out	14	(15)	1	-	-
6	M. K. Reeves	b Jeal	2	(6)	-	-	5-211
7	D. Emerson	not out	5	(4)	-	-	-
8	G. Carter +
9	M. S. Rundle
10	C. D. Roberts
11
	Extras	(NB1, W1, LB1, B20)	23
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 35 overs)	216

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Vincent	8	1	21	2
2	Biggs	3	0	27	0
3	O’Neill	8	0	57	0
4	R. Locke	8	0	43	0
5	Kelly	4	0	25	1
6	Jeal	4	0	21	2

Team	Portchester CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	P. Hungerford +	c Rundle b Howarth	64		11	-	2-145
2	C. Locke	c Dobner b Howarth	65		5	5	1-125
3	E. Jordan	c Reeves b Roberts	9		1	-	3-151
4	P. Vincent	c Turner b Roberts	16		1	-	4-198
5	R. Locke	not out	38		6	-	-
6	J. Biggs	run out (Roberts)	0		-	-	5-198
7	D. Kennell	not out	2		-	-	-
8	D. Kelly
9	S. O’Neill
10	J. Jeal
11
	Extras	(W4, LB7, B13)	24
	TOTAL	(for 5 wickets, 24.3 overs)	218

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Reeves	4	0	33	0
2	Rundle	3	0	32	0
3	Emerson	3	0	34	0
4	Howarth	7	0	55	2
5	Roberts	6	0	35	2
6	Westmoreland	1.3	0	7	0

MOTM: M. T. Westmoreland Champagne Moment: R. P. Turner’s sprawling catch Buffet Award: D. Emerson’s pickled cabbage salad (with celery and dressing)

Opposition: V062 / 04 Ground: G028 / 06 Captain: C011 / 72