“My
Report on Balls Being Tossed [That’s What She Said]”
Match: 13 / 280
Lost by 62 Runs
|
Team |
Total |
|
Wootton & Boars Hill CC |
195 - 7 |
|
M.
Westmoreland 4 - 40, D. Emerson
3 - 20 |
|
|
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
133 - 8 |
|
S.
Dobner 38, A. Ward
33 |
|
|
Anyone who has had the (mis)pleasure to spend an
afternoon watching The MAD will have observed that cricketing ability can, at
times, be at somewhat of a premium. Anyone who has trawled through the
kaleidoscopic myriad of pages upon this here website of theirs (ours), and
has found their way (here) to the match reports page, will, however, no doubt
assert that the club’s ranks are full of talented witty penmen. Whether this
here penman includes himself in that aforementioned group is for you to
decide. He does. He is shite at cricket after all. Thus he has made a wise
(idiotic) decision in an attempt to invert his cricketing and literary
worlds. Believing retirement from wordsmithnessture will bring him fortune on
the pitch he has hung up his keyboard. Who uses a fooking pen these days?
Fear not though for he hath passed on the reins to his wifeth to be… eth. He
will not lie though (but he will continue to refer to himself in the third
person), she knows bugger all about the sport. In an attempt to make the report
non-nonsensical (why is sensical not a word?) he has made annotations, in [
], where necessary (everywhere). [There is no artistic embellishment – it’s purely
factual].
D. Emerson
(left) and C. Roberts (right) rescue Vicki from some quicksand…. God knows why they played cricket on this day. The
weather weren’t exactly great. Mind you, why do they ever play cricket? [A
question oft asked by ourselves]. So two blokes both dressed in white walked
on to the less grassy bit of the grass and tossed a coin to see who would hit
first. For some reason the winner of the toss ended up hitting second,
meaning the other team in white would do the fielding first. No, wait…
[Skipper Westmoreland kept a 100% toss record for the season and put the opposition
in]. About half way [3 overs in] through the first team [Wootton and Boars
Hill CC] hitting one of their players in white ‘got out’, as I believe it is
called. The guy in white that got him out got another one out soonish after
and played pretty well. [Emerson (8-2-20-3) took a couple of early wickets
for The MAD to leave W&BH 23/2 midway through the 9th over]. It was then
quite some time before any other hitters were out. A few tried – two of whom
bowled real slow – but the hitters kept hitting. One of the hits went over
the building we were sat outside. [Pearson (7-0-37-0), Hoskins (5-0-28-0),
and Timms (5-0-36-0) all toiled to no avail – with the latter bagging himself
a tasty buffet to boot – as W&BH looked to amass an imposing total, accelerating past 100 around the 25th
over].
Could this
bicycle (with obligatory basket) indicate Dave Shorten’s presence??!?!? Another chap [Westmoreland (7-0-40-4)] did eventually
get both of the hitters who did do well [Kidd (54) and (Whiskin) 72] out. He
also got a few more of the team in white out and the one that got two of the
others in white out got another one too. Ooohh. They were wearing different
colour hats. The ones in the blue hats were doing the throwing and catching.
Uh, one of the blue chaps [Turner] may no longer be a chap. Though he may
have blue chaps. He used his bollocks to stop the ball. ‘Ah get up you big
girl’ I shouted. ‘Try giving birth you inferior human specimen’. None of the
men in white agreed with me. [As the W&BH innings reached its climax The
MAD took wickets at regular intervals. Although a handy cameo from Godfrey
(30*) ensured W&BH’s total would be a more than decent one, at 195. And
yes, ouch. Just fucking ouch. Try getting hit in the gentleman’s zone by a
cricket ball future Mrs Timms! Not that you have one. Honest]. So the team hitting second would need more than 195 to
win. Now they had tea. Although I saw very little tea being drank. Unless
Fosters have branched out? Also, it took them the best part of two and half
hours to get half way through. Ridiculous. Eventually the second team went
out to bat – I’d been informed it’s apparently not called hitting by now.
Brilliant! These guys are much quicker at getting out. [Debutant Ward was
belittled for padding up despite being at number 5 – thank Christ he did. It
would be at the end of the 4th over that Ward made his way to the crease with
The MAD solidly set on 4/3, as young pretender A Newton returned the somewhat
ludicrous figures of 6-5-1-3. Turner, Pearson, and Westmoreland had all come
and gone without troubling the scorer. [Or match reporter].
The
traditional FFTMCC beginnings…. Apparently then, one of the guys now batting, was
playing his first game for the team. I assume he knows more than me about
cricket. Right, I’m a give this a proper try… The MAD had recovered well and
were now 55/3 off of… how many overs? Wait. Wait. Oh, no. I see. They were
5/3 off 5 overs. God this game is slow. I bet the debut player wouldn’t make
a stupid error like that with the scoreboard. [Or would he, Adam Ward?]. So
another batman got out before the two hitmen who were then batsmaning
actually did some good things. [Yes Mellor (8) was bowled by a straight loopy
one before Ward (33) unsportingly failed to record a duck on debut in a stand
of 82 with Dobner (38)]. These two weren’t doing too badly at all. Then they
got out; as did a couple of others. Well, one of them couldn’t even be
bothered. He hit one ball and did one miserly run before crying that his leg
hurt and coming back to the Parmillion. I think that’s what it’s called.
[Indeed young Leggate (1*) was forced to retire hurt after pinging the old
calf mid single. The rest of the team duly added the insult(s) to the
injury].
Ward (left)
and Dobner discuss the crap waiting to bat in the pavilion. ‘Hang on. They’ve still a few batty men and now they
have a hundred. Maybe they could get close to the 196 – how long is left?
Please don’t be long. Please don’t be long. Yesssss!!’ I thought to myself. [The
MAD crossed into treble figures around the 35 over mark, and whilst a little
gloss was quickly added by Emerson (16 from 22 balls) and Timms (15* from 11
balls), they would end up falling 62 runs short at the close. Timms would
however record his highest knock for The MAD, and thus forever believe that relinquishing
the match reporting duties had inspired him. Until the following week?]… So they lost again. It really does make you wonder why
they continue to play. Maybe someone could write a future match report in
that vein? And you know, I don’t like cricket… I don’t bloody understand it,
so how could I like it? [I’ve no response to that]… ‘H. E. R.
Indoors [and Him]’
|
*
Statto
Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Wootton &
Boars Hill C.C. Played at Wootton & Boars Hill,
21 April 2013 Far from the MCC won the toss and
elected to field Wootton & Boars Hill C.C. won by 62 runs Far from the MCC debuts:
Adam
Ward (127) |
13 / 280 40 over match |
|
Team |
Wootton & Boars Hill C.C. |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
N. Alley |
lbw b Emerson |
2 |
(25) |
- |
- |
2-23 |
|
2 |
A. Fisher |
b Emerson |
13 |
(7) |
3 |
- |
1-13 |
|
3 |
A. Kidd |
b Westmoreland |
54 |
(71) |
4 |
- |
4-158 |
|
4 |
D. Wiskin |
c Mellor b Westmoreland |
72 |
(66) |
6 |
4 |
3-137 |
|
5 |
D. Godfrey |
not out |
30 |
(33) |
3 |
1 |
- |
|
6 |
D. Nicholls |
b Emerson |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
5-159 |
|
7 |
D. Parker * |
c and b Westmoreland |
6 |
(14) |
1 |
- |
6-178 |
|
8 |
T. Senior |
b Westmoreland |
4 |
(8) |
1 |
- |
7-188 |
|
9 |
A. Cooke |
not out |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
- |
|
10 |
A. Newton |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
M. Wiskin |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
(W5, LB4, B5) |
14 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 7 wickets, 40 overs) |
195 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
Emerson |
8 |
2 |
20 |
3 |
|
|
2 |
Roberts |
8 |
2 |
25 |
0 |
|
|
3 |
Pearson |
7 |
0 |
37 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
Hoskins |
5 |
0 |
28 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Timms |
5 |
0 |
36 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Westmoreland |
7 |
0 |
40 |
4 |
|
|
Team |
Far from
the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
R. P. Turner |
c Godfrey b Newton |
0 |
(9) |
- |
- |
1-1 |
|
2 |
P. A. S. Mellor |
b M. Wiskin |
8 |
(31) |
- |
- |
4-11 |
|
3 |
J. W. Pearson |
b Newton |
0 |
(2) |
- |
- |
2-1 |
|
4 |
M. T. Westmoreland * |
lbw b Newton |
0 |
(6) |
- |
- |
3-3 |
|
5 |
A. S. Ward |
b Alley |
33 |
(68) |
2 |
- |
5-93 |
|
6 |
S. L. P. Dobner + |
lbw b Godfrey |
38 |
(70) |
4 |
- |
7-96 |
|
7 |
I. C. Leggate |
retired hurt |
1 |
(3) |
- |
- |
- |
|
8 |
J. D. Hoskins |
b Godfrey |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
6-94 |
|
9 |
D. Emerson |
c D. Wiskin b Nicholls |
16 |
(22) |
2 |
- |
8-132 |
|
10 |
G. J. Timms |
not out |
15 |
(11) |
1 |
- |
- |
|
11 |
C. D. Roberts |
not out |
0 |
(0) |
- |
- |
- |
|
|
Extras |
(NB1, W14, LB4, B3) |
22 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 8 wickets, 40 overs) |
133 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
|
|
1 |
M. Wiskin |
8 |
2 |
18 |
1 |
|
|
2 |
Newton |
6 |
5 |
1 |
3 |
|
|
3 |
Cooke |
8 |
0 |
47 |
0 |
|
|
4 |
Parker |
8 |
0 |
15 |
0 |
|
|
5 |
Alley |
5 |
0 |
22 |
0 |
|
|
6 |
Godfrey |
4 |
0 |
19 |
1 |
|
|
7 |
Nicholls |
1 |
0 |
8 |
1 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Note: I. C. Leggate retired on
94-5 |
|
|||||
|
MOTM: D. Emerson Champagne Moment: M. T. Westmoreland’s
caught and bowled Buffet
Award: G. J. Timms undercooked lamb
and chilli burgers (with Value cheese) |
Opposition:
V039 / 12 Ground: G017 / 08 Captain: C011 / 75 |