“DiCaprio has Nothing on Turner”

Match: 13 / 302

Lost by 2 runs

Team	Total
Appleton CC	109 - 4
C. Roberts 2 - 19
FFTMCC	107
R. Turner 33

It is often misconstrued that the more memorable moments in sport are those that provide the best material for a journalist or budding scribe. They’re often not. Certainly in the case of an amateur blog, or match report, colossal failure is something both integrally amusing and at the same time heart-wrenchingly, fucking soul destroying. And that is the key – soul. It is far easier to write something from the soul – it just flows from the ink pot, it is sincere and profound. An easy 9 wicket win in some casual friendly against some short guys from a village near a sewerage works? Hardly stimulating, is it?

The scene was set for a triumphant MAD fuck up.

If this match, on a warm and pleasant July evening had meandered to its inevitably mundane and obvious conclusion, it is doubtful any of the protagonists would remember it in a few weeks’ time, neigh the next fucking day. Instead, as the frustration, anger and sheer baffling nausea that came with the thinking of ‘how the fuck did we lose that’ starts to subside – then follows a groundswell of positive creativity in the form of literature (a match report) or scripts (movies).

To watch a three hour plus film, where all the A-list stars somehow avoid the falling masonry and collapsing ceilings, may have its moments of excitement, but hardly something that sticks in your mind. Take a gigantic, and unsinkable cruise liner that clips an iceberg and slowly slips below the icy depths, would we really have liked that film if Leonardo DiCaprio (spoiler coming up) hadn’t have slipped off his wooden life raft and sunk to a watery grave? Probably not, or at least it wouldn’t have had such a moving and emotional ending. Don’t get all mawkish for him though, he got to bang Kate Winslet – and that is something this scribe would have happily sunk beneath the ocean for….

One in, one out, an increasingly common and quick occurrence during The MAD innings.

On to the cricket, which we will break down into filmic portions either side of the intermission [break]. The first half was, as already discussed, infinitely forgettable and but for a few moments of classy scripting which included a one handed catch by G. Timms and some lovely cover drives for four by G. Alder (19) – the kind of moviemaking that makes you wander out to invest in some popcorn, fruit gums or a cheeky pint and a piss. Anything, to avoid concealing your tedium, as the character building and background is put in place. Fleshing out the story of 109-4 off 20 were D. Shorten (4-0-22-1), C. Roberts (4-0-19-2), M. Reeves (3-0-14-0), Mr. Timms (4-0-15-1), J. Webster (2-0-12-0) and I. Howarth (3-0-18-0).

Settling into your seats after the intermission, you’d be forgiven for thinking ‘fuck it – I had time for another pint’, as the FFTMCC total mounted with a boastful swagger to 71-1 after 11 overs (A. Ward 7). R. Turner, later to star in the finale to the film, retired on 32*. The MAD now required the paltry sum of 29 runs for victory with 9 overs and wickets to the good.

Now, for those unaccustomed to films by the Far from the MCC, the final quarter of this screening may seem far-fetched, but for those with a learning of past works, all the histrionics, ineptitude, and sheer unbelievability of events leading to the conclusion are par for the course. This is, after all, a team who pride themselves in fucking the unfuckable. It is a work of maverick genius – such as that produced by Orson Wells, David Lynch or Quintin Tarantino. It is a huge ‘FUCK YOU’ to the conventional tedium of corporate, conveyor belt filmmaking that is slowly dragging the Hollywood juggernaut painfully to its knees.

On board the HMS FFTMCC.

The Final Act: Scene IV

Batting at #3, whilst clearly agitated at the notion of being unable to protect his average (somewhere in the high 70s), M. Reeves (17) heaves across a straight one from M. Bungay (3-0-11-3) and undoes all his excellent work to reduce his team to 73-2. There is slight movement in the restaurant area, as guests and dignitary observe the HMS FFTMCC’s brush with said iceberg, but hardly anything to cause consternation. In fact, several more cans are popped open at pitch side as Mike is applauded off after ‘job well done’.

N. Hill (1) survives one ball, before asking Mr. Shorten (4) if he can see any damage to the hull of the ship. “I’m not sure, Nick – there was clearly a bump per se, but with such a short journey home, I really can’t see any foreseeable problems.” He is then castled and begins to review his earlier comment. 79-4.

In the engine room, I. Howarth, full of bluster about applying for a new role aboard the liner, inspects the damage but rather baffling, sees no reason to raise the alarm. Instead, his recent failings (we’re talking 18 runs in the month of July by the by) are yet further exposed as water gushes into the coal fires and sweeps him from the pitch for a duck. Here, we are treated to some cringeworthy, method acting as he tosses his kit wantonly around the pavilion and storms off stage right (probably to confront the Captain of the ship with some lame excuse for his total dereliction of duty). 79-5.

M. Bungay (bowling) charges past Captain Timms (batting).

Maybe embarrassed at his companions lack of tact, Dutchman J. Webster (0) sees no reason to act either, as he returns to the deck of the now listing ship to hear the brass band playing ‘We’re Fucke-e-e-e-e-d and We Know We Are-e-e-e-e, We’re Fucke-e-e-e-e-d and We Know We Are-e-e-e-e, We’re Fucke-e-e-e-e-d and We Know We Are-e-e-e-e etc etc etc’. It is a moving ensemble, and despite a few of the oboes and chairs sliding to the left, the instrumentation is first class. 80-6.

By now, the atmosphere aboard HMS FFTMCC is becoming slightly panicked, and this is only worsened by the news J. Hotson (3) was knocked overboard whilst trying to assist Lord Lucan (R. Hadfield) into one of the few smaller boats on the ship (89-7). “For god’s sake!” Cries Captain Timms (0) from the bridge, “there is a problem, but we can overcome it. Please, just everybody relax – I’ll steer us into calmer waters. You’ll see.” A brief lull in the chaos, before he is last seen bobbing below the now rampant waters smashing through the stricken ship and pouring into populated quarters. 91-8.

With hero, R. Turner (DiCaprio), already aboard a lifeboat, he is now seen climbing back out to help his beleaguered team mates. It is a gallant and courageous act that beautifully demonstrates the very best of mankind. The type of dashing, spirited and audacious action that the Queen and Her Country hold so dear. He tries manfully to rescue the situation, only to see Sailor C. Roberts (1) flounder in a stairwell (102-9), but his fearless and gutsy never-say-die attitude with a clearly ailing Lord Lucan (13* with an horrific hamstring injury) has the audience on the edge of their seats.

M. Reeves (17) instigated the collapse. Shame on you, Mike. Shame on you.

3 runs for a famous win, 2 runs for a famous tie and 0 runs for an infamous fuck up in pole position to receive the treasured and most revered ‘Milton 06 Trophy’ – now rebranded as the ‘Golden Twats Award’.

As pieman C. Jones (1.3-0-12-1) tosses down his final flan, Kate Winslet can be heard screaming from the pavilion “don’t do it, Russ – don’t do it!” Too late… he smacks the patisserie into orbit, through clouds and admiring angels, before it falls back to earth, straight into the waiting hands of Mr. Bungay.

107 all out.

107 and not 110…. Freezing, and with life clearly leaving his ravaged body, Mr. Turner (33) slips slowly into the darkened abyss….

It is a crushing and devastating ending to the film.

Memorable, heartfelt, yet ever so slightly comedic in its implausibility (seriously – are we really to expect something so simple can be ballsed up on such a grandiose scale???)

Sums it all up… miserable with zero chances of saving the match….

It is without doubt, one of the FFTMCC’s best works, and only time will tell if it survives the slew of pale imitation’s and rip-offs that will no doubt come pouring out of Hollywood studios for months to come. But can the millions that the LA moguls throw at it ever encapsulate the raw energy of this now seminal low-budget classic. A true nod to the bygone days of real pub cricket and authentic fuck ups, where no painful humiliation and ignominy was beyond them.

A true FFTMCC disaster movie. 24 runs scored in (wait for it)… 9 overs for the loss of 9 wickets…. Ring a bell on the ship, anyone?

‘FFTMCC Productions’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Appleton CC Played at Brasenose, 24 July 2013 Appleton CC won the toss and elected to bat Appleton CC won by 2 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

13 / 302 20 over match

Team	Appleton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Alder	b Shorten	19	(22)	4	-
2	J. K. Bennett	c Timms b Roberts	1	(5)	-	-
3	E. Bennett	c Ward b Roberts	11	(20)	2	-
4	M. Bungay *	c Roberts b Timms	6	(8)	-	-
5	H. Blomerus	retired	30	(34)	4	-	-
6	A. Naugharty	not out	10	(25)	1	-	-
7	M. Goodwin	not out	7	(7)	1	-	-
8	D. Manning
9	C. Jones
10	C. Salmon
11	G. Muller
	Extras	(NB2, W14, LB1, B8)	25
	TOTAL	(for 4 wickets, 20 overs)	109

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Shorten	4	0	22	1
2	Roberts	4	0	19	2
3	Reeves	3	0	14	0
4	Timms	4	0	15	1
5	Webster	2	0	12	0
6	Howarth	3	0	18	0

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	A. S. Ward	b Manning	7	(13)	1	-	1-16
2	R. P. Turner	c Bungay b Jones	33	(45)	3	-	10-107
3	M. K. Reeves	b Bungay	17	(13)	3	-	2-73
4	N. S. Hill	b Alder	1	(2)	-	-	3-77
5	D. Shorten	b Alder	4	(5)	1	-	4-79
6	I. Howarth	b Bungay	0	(3)	-	-	5-79
7	J. vdG. Webster	b Bungay	0	(2)	-	-	6-80
8	J. C. W. Hotson +	b Blomerus	3	(10)	-	-	7-89
9	R. J. B. Hadfield	not out	13	(20)	1	-	-
10	G. J. Timms *	b Blomerus	0	(2)	-	-	8-91
11	C. D. Roberts	b Blomerus	1	(3)	-	-	9-102
	Extras	(NB3, W15, LB5, B5)	28
	TOTAL	(all out, 19.3 overs)	107

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	J. K. Bennett	3	0	13	0
2	Manning	3	0	18	1
3	Muller	2	0	19	0
4	Salmon	2	0	13	0
5	Alder	2	0	8	2
6	Bungay	3	0	11	3
7	Blomerus	3	0	7	3
8	Jones	1.3	0	12	1
Note: R. P. Turner retired at 71-1 and returned on 102-9

MOTM: L. DiCaprio Champagne Moment: G. J. Timms’ one handed catch at mid off Buffet Award: J. vdG. Webster and I. Howarth’s combined Greek salad

Opposition: V051 / 12 Ground: G040 / 31 Captain: C022 / 12