“Tempus Fugit”

Match: 13 / 294

Won by 67 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	125 - 6
N. Hill 25*, A. Ward 24
Bodleian	58
G. Timms 3 - 1, J. Hoskins 3 - 13

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone. Hide the laudanum and set up a toilet in the hallway. Thornton Smith turned 40 as what is effectively a souped-up pub team without a pub took on one of the world’s great libraries. Just a mere 24 hours previously the up and coming Smith had been a keen young stripling, blessed with optimism and trailing rays of sunshine behind him as he tiptoed merrily through, round and over life. Now though? Buggered, surely.

Onto the cricket. Openers Bullock and Ward, sounding like a knacker’s yard, opened up with some meaty pulls and drives and took the score into the 30’s before Bullock (13) took the Thor’s Hammer* approach to a particularly straight ball and missed. (Of course nowadays the mighty Thor would probably have used The Mongoose.) Shortly afterwards Ward (24) opted to take a quick single before the ball had actually been delivered and was stumped by approximately 21 yards. Birthday boy Smith (13) then, in the words of Lou Reed, ‘flickered briefly for a minute and then was gone’, but not before heaving a reasonably glorious six over midwicket, while Webster (2) failed even to flicker.

Captain Timms considers how he ever managed to win a toss….

Despite a good start, FFTMCC had not yet taken a grip on the innings when Lucan, having recently emerged from self-imposed obscurity, rushed out to do battle and promptly pulled something, seemingly while on his way to the crease, causing Shorten to be required as a runner. Because the extra batsman usually causes a little confusion, certain teams would generally stop bothering about the stumps and start aiming at the back of the runner’s nut. The gentlemanly librarians, who are classy dudes, would never stoop to such chicanery and naturally suffered as Lucan (31) and baseballer Hill (25*) stroked (Lucan) and lumped (Hill) FFTMCC comfortably past the hundred.

A, presumably inebriated, American gentleman came to enquire how one would best heckle a batsman and suggested calls of ‘schwingbattabattabattabattaschwing!’ while a tumbleweed drifted from the Worcester college end, past the pavilion, across the field and away down the Abingdon Road.

After the feast the famine, or at least merely cameo appearances from messers Shorten, Hoskins and Ainsworth (4, 2, 4*) who took us to 125-6; a decent enough, if not terrifying, score.

Being stumped can sometimes be embarrassing.

The Bodleian Library is a vast, silent, learned institution. It is not a place designed for sudden movement, loud noise or amphetamines. Presumably working in such an environment has a profound impact on its employees, and this was apparent in the sombre, yet utterly dignified, proceedings of the library boys’ innings.

They started with care, ramped up the care in mid-innings and went into super careful overdrive in the closing overs. Obligingly they also cleverly rotated the cast so that the Madders didn’t have the opportunity to get overly familiar with any one batsman and therefore negated the risk of any contempt entering the proceedings. It was not unlike a very slow Generation Game conveyor belt.

Ainsworth (1-7) and Shorten (1-10) opened up with miserly intent and both bowlers were rewarded by wickets. Ainsworth’s came as Ward took off to his right and clutched a healthy drive at mid-off. This sort of catch is not really acceptable in polite society since its combination of athleticism and timing only serves to bring attention to the protagonist. If he had had the grace to have badly injured himself, say through a rupture or similar unpleasantness, it would have been reasonable. As it was it merely seemed impolite.

A quartet of loudish, beer toting stumblebums, like cattle attracted to salt, were drawn over the river side wall to watch the game. Much like the final scene in Animal Farm, this writer looked at them at and then back at us and pondered the difference between the two groups. It was clear enough. We had whites on.

Library Brasenose footage.

Also, if we had been them, would we have cheered and hooted as Hill, confusing ‘stopping the ball’ with ‘sliding into base’, promptly slid past the ball and the boundary at approximately 30 mph, mainly on his face, if it had been right in front of us? Enough said.

Skipper Timms’ grip on the game could have bought diamonds from coal as he rang through the changes. First Reeves (2-17) then Hoskins (3-13) had a similar effect on the Bodleian middle order as did the brown acid at Woodstock. The captain then offered up his own flighted spinners and a trio of batsman tried chasing the lady, only for each to find an empty cup. Three wickets for a single run was his reward. The scoreboard carried irrefutable proof that FFTMCC bowled at least 8 straight deliveries in the Bodleian innings; the 6 batsmen bowled and 2 LBW told their own tale. Test match stuff.

There was still time for high drama, ceremony and sentiment as a clearly ravaged Smith (who had visibly aged in the preceding two hours) strode to the crease for the opposition, faced with the stern task of obtaining 61 runs off 2 balls. A guard of honour was formed for him, not unlike that which greeted Don Bradman at his final test innings in 1948. John Arlott, commentating at the time, said ‘It must be hard to bat with tears in your eyes’. In Smith’s case it was more likely to be lager than tears, yet he managed to reduce the target down to 60. Which is more than the Bradman managed, the useless Aussie twat.

Victory was won. Cake was eaten. Life was sweet.

‘Tulip’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Bodleian Played at Harwell, 28 June 2013 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 67 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

13 / 294 20 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. Bullock +	b Ackland	13	(22)	1	-	2-40
2	A. S. Ward	st Saunders b Triggs	24	(26)	5	-	1-36
3	T. P. W. Smith	b Milner	13	(12)	-	1	3-54
4	R. J. B. Hadfield	retired	31	(24)	5	-	-
5	J. vdG. Webster	lbw b Milner	2	(3)	-	-	4-60
6	N. S. Hill	not out	25	(17)	3	-	-
7	D. Shorten	lbw b Philipson	4	(2)	-	-	5-113
8	J. D. Hoskins	b Neely	2	(2)	-	-	6-121
9	L. G. Ainsworth	not out	4	(1)	1	-	-
10	M. K. Reeves
11	G. J. Timms *
	Extras	(W5, LB1, B1)	7
	TOTAL	(for 6 wickets, 20 overs)	125

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Neely	4	0	17	1
2	Triggs	4	1	29	1
3	Ackland	4	0	10	1
4	Milner	4	0	33	2
5	Philipson	4	0	34	2

Team	Bodleian
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Saunders +	lbw b Hoskins	20
2	M. Neely	c Ward b Ainsworth	10
3	A. Milner *	b Shorten	0
4	G. Jones	b Reeves	0
5	S. Ackland	b Reeves	15
6	R. Triggs	b Timms	4
7	D. Busby	c Shorten b Hoskins	0
8	T. Philipson	lbw b Hoskins	0
9	A. Paton	b Timms	0
10	T. Emmett	b Timms	0
11	T. Smith	not out	1
	Extras	(W2, LB2, B4)	8
	TOTAL	(all out, 19.5 overs)	58

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Ainsworth	4	2	7	1
2	Shorten	3	0	10	1
3	Reeves	3	0	17	2
4	Hoskins	4	1	13	3
5	Timms	3.5	3	1	3
6	Webster	2	0	2	0

MOTM: R. J. B. Hadfield Champagne Moment: T. P. W. Smith’s six Buffet Award: M. K. Reeves’ generous fish finger sandwiches (with HP sauce)

Opposition: V023 / 16 Ground: G040 / 27 Captain: C022 / 08