“Pity the Batsmen”

Match: 13 / 284

Won by 108 Runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	222
I. Howarth 77, M. Reeves 27
OUP	114
J. Newman 5 - 10

Australian cricketing legends Dennis Lillee and Rodney Marsh have always opined that bowlers win you matches. If a test team cannot take 20 wickets it will not win a match. Simple as. Bowlers win you Test matches; batsmen simply set them up or finish them off (occasionally). The longer a team stay out in the field, the harder it is to win – becoming exponentially more difficult the longer this fielding continues. Anyone can hold a bat (according to Dennis) and anyone can swipe in an arc (according to Rodney), but not everyone can control the swing, seam, spin and flight of a ball. It is an art form which takes many years to hone to perfection. Bowling is for Van Gogh. Batting is for Rolf Harris.

An aerial photo of the now obligatory FFTMCC pitch-side mess.

A perfect illustration of the above reasoning was exemplified at Jordan Hill this Sunday, where the Far from the MCC put one over old foes Oxford University Press. On a beautifully warm and sunny day, the FFTMCC compiled a routine 222 from slightly less than their allotted 40 overs. This pedestrian effort (according to some of the team’s lower order) should have been at least expected. After all, they had won the toss and elected to bat on a hard track offering very little to the bowler. So, accumulating a reasonable total should have been de rigueur rather than a notable achievement. Hell, with a little application and a modicum of talent (from the batsmen) they should really have been defending at least 400.

Taking advantage of the alien batting conditions [alien: not wet, not raining, not windy, not freezing and not muddy] were Mr. Howarth (77), Reeves (27) and Westmoreland (20). All three of these batsmen failed to break a sweat (according to the bowlers) and failed to convert anything into a three-figure milestone (which they surely should have). They were generally happy to coast along in first gear, finalising a total considered by many (the bowlers) to be resolutely below par. On what was the largest expanse of mowed grass in the northern hemisphere, Howarth routinely made 4’s into 3’s, 3’s into 2’s, 2’s into 1’s and 1’s into not a lot. Westmoreland was slightly more energetic, but he too was at fault for turning 5’s into 4’s. And Reeves? Jesus – if there is a more sloth like, statuesque, plain lazy individual currently playing this great game then please let him be known…. Other batsmen to fail in this (batting paradise) were J. Pearson (0) and I. Leggate (0), however, they can probably be spared from criticism as they were playing as all-rounders (Pearson offering keeping duties and Leggate offering extreme leg spin). The only positive which can be attributed to the batting department was yet another breezy contribution from E. Xtras (49).

The only time Mr Reeves moved all day was his walk from and to the pavilion.

That The Mad managed to realise this (wholly underwhelming) total was solely down to some tremendous and entertaining cameos from the bowlers. A. Darley (9), D. Emerson (6), J. Newman (11), G. Timms (6), M. Rundle (4*) and C. Roberts (13) – all producing knocks of unparalleled quality and unquestionable fortitude. If it wasn’t for their brilliant exploits during the closing stages, the atmosphere at the tea interval would have been jaded nigh resigned.

And what of the teas? HUGE. VAST. MASSIVE and MAGNIFICENT. On account of every OUP player failing to communicate with each other prior to the game – all eleven of them contributed to world famine by generating a food mountain so large that the windows and doors of the Jordan Hill pavilion swelled, expanded and shattered prior to the game.

A brilliantly executed cover drive / swish / slappy thing from bowler Andrew Darley.

Despite having used up valuable reserves of energy steering the visitors to a (slightly more respectable) total, bowlers D. Emerson (5-0-14-0) and J. Newman took up the new ball before delivering an unplayable opening burst at the OUP openers. But much to their consternation, the ball would whistle past the outside edge, time and time again – as the home side stumbled to 22-0 at the end of the eighth over. And then it happened… the famous, now legendary (according to any bowler you may ask) ninth over:

Ball 1: Dot ball (Q. Jahangir)

Ball 2: Q. Jahangir, bowled [off stump uprooted] Newman, 8

Ball 3: P. Mellor, caught Pearson [one handed], bowled Newman, 0

Ball 4: P. Bramwell, bowled [middle stump uprooted] Newman, 0

Ball 5: T. Rogers, caught Pearson, bowled Newman, 0

Ball 6: Dot ball (N. Tomkins)

J. Newman (bowling) carves through the OUP batting.

…a four-trick maiden; a double hat-trick maiden; four-in-four! However, you recognise it, Mr Newman had dug his team’s profligate batsmen (according to the bowlers) out of a hole and taken 4 (four) wickets in 4 (four) balls. Amazing. Profoundly life-altering and utterly unique in MAD History. To put this into context, only two people in recorded history have done better. The first was by Scott Babot of Wainuiomata Cricket Club playing in the Senior 3 competition in New Zealand in 2008. It consisted of five wickets in five balls, across two innings and separated by seven days, as the match took place on consecutive Saturdays. The second was in an Ireland club U13 youth game in 2008 achieved by David Delany of Clontarf Cricket Club playing in an All-Ireland final against Bready Cricket Club. Bready needed 19 runs to win with 6 wickets in hand, when Delany took five wickets in five balls, with all five batsmen (clearly incompetent) being dismissed bowled. Clontarf won the game.

After Newman’s heroics (7-3-10-5) the outcome of this match was never in question – and once R. Turner (13) was finally put out of his misery by a direct run out from Roberts (please note: a bowler), the OUP innings would stagnate and finally wither on 114. Further spells of wizardry would come from Timms (7-1-17-1), Rundle (5-1-12-1), Roberts (5-0-19-0) and Darley (5-0-20-0). Even Mr Leggate orchestrated some magic of his own to return figures of 3-0-14-1 – including an athletic caught and bowled. The only defiance from the home team came from skipper S. Lawrence (37) and the aforementioned N. Tomkins (19).

James (left): “I’m a wicketkeeper now you know? Batsmen suck.”

Congratulations then to the Far from the MCC’s bowlers – they brought us home. Well done them, they really were superb. They scored the runs, they took the wickets and they would ultimately bask in the glory. Forget the batsmen (whatever they did) – it’s bowlers that win you matches.

‘A. Bowler’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Oxford University Press Played at Jordan Hill, 19 May 2013 FFTMCC won the toss and elected to bat FFTMCC won by 108 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

13 / 284 40 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. W. Pearson +	b Lawrence	0	(4)	-	-	1-8
2	M. T. Westmoreland *	b Jahangir	20	(35)	2	-	2-95
3	I. Howarth	c Nirav b Webster	77	(79)	7	1	4-145
4	I. C. Leggate	b Jahangir	0	(6)	-	-	3-97
5	M. K. Reeves	lbw b Lawrence	27	(30)	3	-	5-158
6	A. Darley	b Ball	9	(21)	-	-	7-177
7	D. Emerson	c Mellor b Ball	6	(13)	-	-	6-175
8	J. Newman-Robson	lbw b Webster	11	(9)	2	-	8-194
9	G. J. Timms	c Jahangir b Ball	6	(9)	-	-	9-195
10	M. S. Rundle	not out	4	(10)	-	-	-
11	C. D. Roberts	b Lau	13	(18)	1	-	10-222
	Extras	(NB1, W27, LB4, B17)	49
	TOTAL	(all out, 39.3 overs)	222

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Tomkins	4	0	25	0
2	Lawrence	8	1	21	2
3	Jahangir	8	1	34	2
4	Ball	8	0	41	3
5	Nirav	3	0	33	0
6	Webster	8	0	45	2
7	Lau	0.3	0	7	1

Team	Oxford University Press
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. Turner	run out (Roberts)	13	(59)	-	-	5-46
2	Q. Jahangir	b Newman-Robson	8	(12)	1	-	1-22
3	P. Mellor +	c Pearson b Newman-Robson	0	(1)	-	-	2-22
4	P. Bramwell	b Newman-Robson	0	(1)	-	-	3-22
5	T. Rogers	c Pearson b Newman-Robson	0	(1)	-	-	4-22
6	N. Tomkins	run out (Westmoreland/Pearson)	19	(49)	-	-	8-62
7	P. Nirav	b Rundle	0	(2)	-	-	6-47
8	J. Webster	b Newman-Robson	1	(16)	-	-	7-53
9	S. Lawrence *	lbw b Timms	37	(51)	5	-	10-114
10	Y. Lau	c and b Leggate	5	(17)	-	-	9-105
11	A. Ball	not out	1	(4)	-	-	-
	Extras	(NB4, W16, LB2, B8)	30
	TOTAL	(all out, 27 overs)	114

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Newman-Robson	7	3	10	5
2	Emerson	5	0	14	0
3	Timms	7	1	17	1
4	Rundle	5	1	12	1
5	Roberts	5	0	19	0
6	Darley	5	0	20	0
7	Leggate	3	0	14	1
Note: J. Newman-Robson took 4 wickets in 4 balls

MOTM: J. Newman Champagne Moment: J. Newman’s hat-trick ball Buffet Award: I. Leggate’s apple and rhubarb crumble and custard

Opposition: V019 / 16 Ground: G013 / 15 Captain: C011 / 78

Match Fines