“It’s the Hope that Kills You”

Match: 14 / 342

Lost by 76 runs

Team	Total
Astons CC	176 - 8
G. Timms 3 - 37, T. Smith 2 - 23
FFTMCC	100 - 9
G. Timms 26, J. Newman 24

With a new and more youthful regime in now in place, Team MAD went into the final week of August with great expectations and no little hope. Following the abdication of Howarth after the recent Appleton debacle, the skills that Mr. Timms had honed whilst commandeering the T20 team were hoped to be freely transferable to the Sunday format. New energy, new ideas and fresh optimism. What could possibly go wrong?

Winning the toss was maybe Gary’s first mistake. So unused is he to actually calling correctly, he simply stared dumbly at his opposite number (R. Smith) and mumbled incomprehensibly about “doing something”. Apparently The MAD were fielding. Just like they did at Appleton a fortnight previous. Oh, joy.

Martin (centre) tries to recover his form from his kitbag.

On that day in the exquisite surrounds afforded by the sewerage works, The MAD didn’t take many wickets in the process of getting a severe tonking. But here, in the much more gentrified surrounds of Aston Tirrold, Team Mad managed to take even fewer wickets by the drinks interval, but in doing so, had received a slightly less severe tonking. Well, 10 runs or so fewer, probably, but Howarth failed to make a note in the scorebook. On the wrong side of the scorebook. Under the heading of ‘Innings of FFTMCC’. Suggestions on a postcard for ‘Anything else Ian can fuck up before the season is out’ are most welcome….

Mr. Newman looked reasonable in his first game back since 1926, reeling off numerous overs whilst trying to remember who his teammates were. Mr. Roberts (6-1-25-0) was okay inbetween the ones that got twatted to the boundary, whereas Mr. Pearson (5-1-24-0) tired himself out by offering himself up as a bowler. Silly James. Thankfully, the other James (Hoskins), who had arrived some four hours after the game commenced, combined with the similarly unpunctual T. P. W. Smith on the boundary to finally remove N. Clark (42) – after an opening partnership of 97 (24 ovs).

Spin then had its day. Or lobbing a ball in a friendly arc. Inbetween throwing some shite down leg, Timms (7-0-37-3) bowled The MAD back into the match with several deliveries decreed by Stumpmeister S. Dobner as “WHAT-A-BALL!” These balls didn’t go down leg, but did do something and went on to hit the trio of wooden uprights at the other end. Timms’ lobbing and chucking was complemented by an equally assured demonstration of grenade looping from T. Smith (7-1-23-2). Thorn’s stump-to-stump assortment of adroitly aimed aperitif can sometimes go unheralded, but you would be forgetting the many wickets he has picked up over the years doing exactly what he does. Bowling straight. And sometimes not throwing it. Well done him. His prized scalp being R. Smith for 48.

Lance Armstrong drops in to see some really good village cricket.

During this middle order Astons’ slump, Howarth combined with his skipper to have G. Smith (1) ran out from a throw from the boundary. Well done, Ian – you can’t bowl, you can’t catch, but you still have an arm which makes you marginally useful in the field. That attribute may well buy you a few more games next season, especially if the team are short.

Late slogging from the dependable J. Shea (21*) and robust T. Dew (16) helped the home team to a more than respectable 176-8 in the end. That score was probably 20 runs shy of the true total due to a decidedly sluggish outfield throughout. Newman (7-1-30-1) returned at the end when Timms remembered he was playing to have the aforementioned Dew caught (Pearson) in nearby Blewbury.

Time for tea and time for the most amazing declaration. And no, this was not a ‘timed game’. With two full platters of sandwiches, scones and several slices of cake going homeless, Mr. Turner informed anyone who would listen he was “saving [himself] for [his] batting.” Fucking silence. He then wrestled from the comforts of his chair and, as is his want, duly went through his aerobics class in preparation for The MAD reply….

Giant Duck buckles up for the ride as The MAD prepare to bat.

And what a reply.

As he continues to live off the successes of 2006, whilst bemoaning his lack of a fifty this season, Mr. Westmoreland neatly bookended another stellar season with an assured and well-constructed duck. Lasting a few balls less and obviously feeling the benefits of abstaining from eating the Astons pavilion, Russ knuckled down himself for an equally impressive duck (T. Dew 6-1-10-2). Would any part of The MAD engine-house fire today? Nope. Next up was Howarth, a man in such terminal decline a civilian living on the Gaza Strip would have more confidence of survival. He swiped at one, missed a few others and was finally put out of his abject misery by a ball that followed a straight trajectory from hand to stump. Ian’s contribution being the third duck of the innings. With Howarth’s last registered run off the bat being noted on 23rd July, it is maybe time to start planning for life after cricket, Ian? (6-3 off 4.2 ovs).

Whilst the run rate slowed and then evaporated, batsmen Pearson (16) and Dobner at least showed some application and a certain degree of knowledge of where their stumps were. Alas, James’ knowledge was perhaps more CSE than BA (Hons) standard, as Smith Snr (7-0-16-1) finally ticked his wicket column to leave Mr. Pearson still searching for an innings of worth against this particular opponent.

J. Hoskins batting with hat.

Time for drinks and then time for some theatre from the ‘Essex School of Performing Arts’. With a history of histrionics, Mr. Dobner (15*) pulled up short with a vicious groin injury whilst navigating a leisurely single. It was agony watching him as he strove to continue using his skipper (Timms) as a runner, eventually deciding the crippling pain was too much to bear. He retired (thank fuck) and headed home for an extended massage and first aid box from his long suffering wife. He was followed shortly after by Mr. Hotson, who decided on kicking a ball away from his middle stump (LBW 0) and then Mr. Smith (4), who made use of a sandwedge to chip a ball neatly to Clark at square leg.

The innings and the whole day itself could perhaps have been flushed down the shitter at this point (42-6 off 22.4 ovs), but thankfully The MAD bowlers know how to bat (perhaps just as well). Messrs Timms (26) and Newman (24) both achieved PBs as they stroked some lovely boundaries on a gorgeous summer day on a pitch with little in the way of demons. Even Mr. Hoskins (4*) looked well set for a fifty before the talismanic Roberts (1) had a rush of blood to the head. And then that. Ladies and gentlemen. Was That. All out 100.

Homer [left] breaks out of his care home disguised in a carer’s coat….

The pub was good fun afterwards. It always is. Here the team argued over which alternative venue to slake their thirst, seeing that the Chequers was actually closed for custom. That sometimes happens due to early finishes when you’ve batted like cocks. Fortunately this animated discussion took up the necessary time to the doors actually being opened (18:30). Pints to hand, the team could now colloquially discuss the APOTM (Abject Performance of the Match) where it would have been keenly contested, and also the 715 runs the FFTMCC had scored in the last 5 matches versus the 0 runs by I Howarth.

Have a good drink, Gary – welcome to Sunday Skippering and all the joys it entails. It truly is a magical experience to hold close to the heart.

‘POTS Shoe-in’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Astons CC Played at Aston Tirrold, 31 August 2014 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Astons CC won by 76 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

14 / 342 40 over match

Team	Astons CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. A. Smith *	b Smith	48		5	1	3-115
2	N. Clark	c Smith b Hoskins	45		7	-	1-97
3	R. Griffiths	b Timms	1		-	-	2-99
4	D. Barlow	b Timms	7		-	-	4-115
5	J. Shea	not out	21		1	1	-
6	G. Smith +	run out (Howarth/Timms)	1		-	-	5-121
7	R. Bonwell	c Westmoreland b Smith	10		1	-	6-148
8	D. Kilcoyne	b Timms	0		-	-	7-149
9	T. Dew	c Pearson b Newman-Robson	16		3	-	8-170
10	B. Ray	not out	5		1	-	-
11	S. Smith
	Extras	(NB2, W6, LB5, B9)	22
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 40 overs)	176

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Newman-Robson	7	1	30	1
2	Roberts	6	1	25	0
3	Hoskins	8	0	35	1
4	Pearson	5	1	14	0
5	Smith	7	1	23	2
6	Timms	7	0	37	3

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. W. Pearson	b S. Smith	16	(59)	-	-	4-31
2	M. T. Westmoreland	b Dew	0	(8)	-	-	1-4
3	R. P. Turner	b Dew	0	(4)	-	-	2-4
4	I. Howarth	b Ray	0	(6)	-	-	3-6
5	S. L. P. Dobner +	retired hurt	15	(42)	1	-	-
6	J. C. W. Hotson	lbw b Barlow	0	(4)	-	-	5-32
7	T. P. W. Smith	c Clark b Kilcoyne	4	(12)	-	-	6-42
8	G. J. Timms *	c G. Smith b R. Smith	26	(27)	3	-	8-99
9	J. Newman-Robson	b Griffiths	24	(28)	3	-	7-77
10	J. D. Hoskins	not out	4	(6)	-	-	-
11	C. D. Roberts	c and b Griffiths	1	(3)	-	-	9-100
	Extras	(NB2, W5, LB2, B1)	10
	TOTAL	(all out, 33.1 overs)	100

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Ray	6	2	4	1
2	Dew	6	1	10	2
3	Barlow	4	0	8	1
4	Smith	7	0	16	1
5	Kilcoyne	5	0	22	1
6	Griffiths	3.1	0	24	2
7	R. Smith	2	0	12	1
Note: S. L. P. Dobner retired hurt after 20.3 overs with the score at 33-5

MOTM: G. J. Timms Champagne Moment: T. P. W. Smith’s nonchalant catch on the square leg boundary Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ overdone pastry selection (leg side)

Opposition: V046 / 12 Ground: G035 / 09 Captain: C022 / 23