“At Long, Long Last”

Match: 14 / 330

Won by 23 runs

Team	Total
FFTMCC	127
I. Howarth 28, M. Bullock 23
Milton CC	104
D. Shorten 4 - 14, J. Newman 2 - 16

Following untold misery stretching back to the infamous collapse at Warriner School in 2006, The MAD finally laid the demons to rest with a hard-fought victory – away – against (wait for it…) Milton CC. The margin was just 23 runs, but it mattered little. The margin could have been 230 runs, it would have mattered little more. Just to win. Finally. F-I-N-A-L-L-Y. At this fucking copse of farmland on the outskirts of Bloxham. It. Was. All. That. Mattered.

Reports, investigations, reprisals and no end of bile have surfaced in recent years to describe or apportion blame on the previous desultory trips to this northern part of Oxford, so it is perhaps a joy – and a pleasant change – that a stump microphone picked up and effectively wrote most of the report for us. Here are the best moments of the transcript to pad things out….

Jake (right) helps prepare the pitch for The MAD batsmen.

Westmoreland: [analysing the track] “This is the brownest coloured strip I have ever seen. Can they grow brown grass in these parts? Win the toss, bowl. Simples.”

Timms: “Do what? Ha ha ha. We need to win a toss to do that….”

Howarth: “I’m calling heads today. Bollocks to ‘tails never fails’. JMO is probably right, he’s probably been right all this time, so I’m going to call heads.”

[Small edit] as Howarth returns to pavilion after said coin toss.

Howarth: “It was tails. Fuck it. They’ve stuck us in. Moo, Pearson – get padded up. Bat all day.”

The game begins in earnest – [small edit] until the incompetence begins….

Westmoreland: “Gosh this track is slow. I’ll play way too early and just chip this ball straight to the guy who’s stood about ten foot in front of me.” ct R. Lambden b N. Reeves 1

Turner: “Sounds good – arf, arf, arf – I’ll just chip the ball into the covers having learned absolutely nothing from that previous dismissal.” ct Wilby b N. Reeves 7

Mellor: “I’ll just stand out of my ground whilst the bowler (C. Houseman) redirects the ball onto my stumps.” run out 0

Pearson demonstrates a model public schoolboy backward defensive.

Pearson: “I’ll just throw away a decent start and swing wildly over a leg stump full toss. It is a passion of mine. Oh, bugger – I forgot my parents were watching….” b C. Houseman 22

Shorten: “Full toss I hear you say? I can do better than that – I’ll hit it straight to the one guy stood at mid-wicket. Perfect. He didn’t even need to move a muscle.” ct Kinch b C. Houseman 4

[Small edit at drinks] 69-5 off 20 ovs.

Bullock: “What d’you reckon then skip?

Howarth: “Just do what we’re doing. Keep rebuilding this innings. Take it over by over and get your head down and do nothing stupid. There is plenty of time left in this innings remember.”

[Small edit as Howarth tonks four-two-six straight after the interval]

Howarth: “I’ll now just sweep across this straight ball hitting halfway up middle stump.” lbw Kinch 28

Bullock: “I’ll also play across a straight one if you don’t mind – I’m a little tired.” b L. Houseman 23

Reeves: “Well, if you can’t beat ‘em – join ‘em. I’ll try and cut this one off middle stump.” b L. Houseman 14

Newman: “Hey, another full toss. Whaddaya know. Best I slap this one at a really nice height to the dude stood at mid-wicket. Perfect. Beats Shorten’s effort hands down.” ct N. Reeves b Arnold 3

Timms: “I’m not sure I should have bothered today.” b Arnold 0 (Golden)

Rundle: “You useless wanker, Timms.”

Tea. The MAD discussed the merits of establishing and finalising 127 all out. The consensus was it was more or less okayish, but at one point 150 would have been good. That said, at another stage, 100 would’ve been good – so maybe just be happy, huh? With sandwiches, crisps and other assorted food disappearing at a rate of knots, the progress of human dustbins Mellor and Turner was checked by a further delivery of sausage rolls and lemon meringue cake. A cunning ploy by the hosts to fatten The MAD before they fielded? A temptation to endearing for some of the team….

Back to the action out in the middle….

Timms: “I’m not sure I should have bothered today.” (pulls up with hamstring / sore bottom issue) 0.5-0-8-0

Howarth: “Give me strength. Right – give me the ball. I’ll finish the over. There – exemplary. Probably the best spell of controlled off spin that this team has ever seen.” 0.1-0-0-0

J. Lambden: “I’m not sure I can be bothered today. I’ll just block this ball and let it roll back on my stumps.” b Newman 0

Reeves: “Having batted like a cock, I might as well complement that achievement by bowling like one.” 3-0-25-0

K. Dolphin: “Ha! This half-track turd needs whacking. However, rather than take advantage of it – I’ll just twat it straight at the guy who ate all the sausage rolls earlier. Perfect – right in his gut.” ct Turner b Rundle 11

G. Wilby: “We’re coasting to victory [64-2 off 14 ov]. Best I tonk one in the air to long off then – rather than play around with easy singles and canter home.” ct Westmoreland b Newman 42 (Newman 8-2-16-2)

L. Houseman: “I’m off the mark – so that’ll do me, chaps. Cheers.” ct Bullock b Rundle 1 (7-2-24-2)

[Unidentified ageing home umpire with stool]: “I believe that to be the first proper cricket dismissal today. Who am I by the way? And where am I? Where is my nurse with my evening coco?”

R. Lambden: “Fuck this – if nobody else can bothered to dig in, I’ll just lob one back to the bowler then.” ct & b Shorten 4

M. Arnold: “I’ll just chip the ball into the covers having learned absolutely nothing from several previous dismissals. Nice catch by that fellow who ate all the sausage rolls, mind.” ct Turner b Shorten 1

N. Reeves: “Loads of overs in the bank, so rather than accumulate steadily – best I follow Mr. Wilby’s example and tonk one in the air to long off. That guy down there is getting rather annoying. To say the least.” ct Westmoreland b Pearson 11 (4-1-12-1)

C. Kinch: “Does it help if I leave this straight one?” b Shorten 0 (99-8 off 27 ovs)

A trio of ducks: regular, giant and golden.

C. Houseman #10 (on arriving at the wicket): “Hmm. We’ve got a problem here – especially seeing I’m shit at batting and we appear to have no #11. How did this happen? We always beat this lot, because they’re shit….”

[Unidentified MAD teammates]: “C’mon, Dave – bring us home. Otherwise Reeves is back on….”

A. Donaldson: “We can probably get home from here if I chip one straight in the air above the slips…. Oh, it really is, er… just above the slips.”

Bullock (keeping): “What ball?”

Timms (first slip): “What ball?”

Mellor (gully): “THE FUCKING ROUND THING ABOVE YOU!!!”

Timms (first slip): “Oh, that. Best I let it drop in my hands then. Hurrah – I’ve actually contributed something.”

A. Donaldson: “Fuck.” ct Timms b Shorten 22 (Milton 104 all out – Shorten 7.4-5-14-4)

[Unidentified screams of delight for next few minutes – assumed MAD players]

Westmoreland: “YES! We bloody did it. WE DID IT!!!” (sounds of Martin perhaps collapsing on the turf)

Howarth: “F-I-N-A-L-L-Y. Finally. This feels… great.”

Reeves: “Un-fucking-real.”

It’s not that Milton CC are a bad bunch of lads you understand, far from it, they are a very personable and likeable lot. It is just what they have come to symbolise. It is what this particular fixture had come to symbolise. The final frontier. A date in the cricketing calendar that several of the elder MAD players just could not see past. Until this day.

There is a pot of gold somewhere Spam….

They say to chase a rainbow is delusional, but after this result anything seemed possible, and as Messrs Hotson and Howarth wound their way back to Oxford along the A4260 (Banbury Road) that is exactly what they did chase….

‘F. I. Nally’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Milton CC Played at Bloxham (Warriner School), 6 July 2014 Milton CC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 23 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

14 / 330 40 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	J. W. Pearson	b C. Houseman	22	(42)	1	-	4-43
2	M. T. Westmoreland	c R. Lambden b Reeves	1	(9)	-	-	1-6
3	R. P. Turner	c Wilby b Reeves	7	(14)	-	1	2-34
4	P. A. S. Mellor	run out (C. Houseman)	0	(3)	-	-	3-36
5	I. Howarth *	lbw b Kinch	28	(35)	4	1	6-83
6	D. Shorten	c Kinch b C. Houseman	4	(8)	1	-	5-49
7	M. Bullock +	b L. Houseman	23	(35)	3	-	7-107
8	M. K. Reeves	b L. Houseman	14	(15)	3	-	8-110
9	M. S. Rundle	not out	11	(23)	1	-	-
10	J. Newman-Robson	c Reeves b Arnold	3	(6)	-	-	9-127
11	G. J. Timms	b Arnold	0	(1)	-	-	10-127
	Extras	(W7, LB1, B6)	14
	TOTAL	(all out, 31.5 overs)	127

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	C. Houseman	8	1	33	2
2	Reeves	8	3	11	2
3	L. Houseman	8	1	30	2
4	Kinch	6	0	36	1
5	Arnold	1.5	0	10	2

Team	Milton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Wilby	c Westmoreland b Newman	42	(46)	4	2	3-64
2	J. Lambden	b Newman-Robson	0	(5)	-	-	1-9
3	K. Dolphin	c Turner b Rundle	11	(30)	1	-	2-52
4	R. Lambden	c and b Shorten	4	(23)	-	-	5-68
5	L. Houseman	c Bullock b Rundle	1	(5)	-	-	4-68
6	A. Donaldson	c Timms b Shorten	22	(38)	4	-	9-104
7	M. Arnold	c Turner b Shorten	1	(11)	-	-	6-78
8	N. Reeves *	c Westmoreland b Pearson	11	(11)	1	1	7-93
9	C. Kinch	b Shorten	0	(5)	-	-	8-99
10	C. Houseman	not out	2	(10)	-	-	-
11
	Extras	(W5, LB4, B1)	10
	TOTAL	(all out, 30.4 overs)	104

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Newman-Robson	8	2	16	2
2	Timms	0.5	0	8	0
3	Howarth	0.1	0	0	0
4	Reeves	3	0	25	0
5	Rundle	7	2	24	2
6	Shorten	7.4	5	14	4
7	Pearson	4	1	12	1

MOTM: D. Shorten Champagne Moment: M. T. Westmoreland’s catch in the deep to remove G. Wilby Buffet Award: M. K. Reeves’ overstated cream bun selection (with extra sugar)

Opposition: V040 / 10 Ground: G029 / 09 Captain: C007 / 56