“Standard Fare”

Match: 14 / 325

Won by 3 wkts

Team	Total
Harwell CC	89
G. Timms 4 - 17, D. Shorten 3 - 27
FFTMCC	93 - 7
M. Reeves 26*, M. Westmoreland 22

On a warm and sultry afternoon in Oxfordshire, Harwell CC arrived at Jordan Hill with the bare 6 or 7, which when counted actually equalled 11. This information was collated in advance by using relevant Twitter accounts and contacting people not actually playing in the match. Some of those not playing in the match were happy to speak in a indiscernible monologue whilst making use of public transport (train). This is standard fare for this opponent.

Bla… bla… bla… bla… etc… etc

Having had the bar open early, the Far from the MCC arrived a good couple of days before the opposition and were immediately into banal discussion regarding plastic driving licences, driving in Italy and the current vogue for leaving their kit all over the greens of Oxfordshire. At the same time, the now ritual cries of “Midge! Midge! Midge! Mid-d-d-d-d-g-g-g-e-e-e-e!” were filling the airwaves for any poor souls who happened by. Mr. Shorten’s dog was once again lost. This is standard fare for this club.

Watching Howarth walk out to the middle with his counterpart, Pritchard – was like watching a man walk to the gallows. The Far from the MCC discussed the merits of why they even bothered with the toss. Timms was worse – the worst ever for that matter. He had won one in about 32,000. He even lost the toss in a game which never started (Isis). Emerson is slightly better – albeit crap, whilst ‘Mystic’ Turner is lamentable. If Las Vegas were given prior warning of their arrival, it would readily roll the red carpet out for these guys – anything you want, lads – see you in the casino. Negativity surrounding the toss is standard fare.

Useless tosser (Howarth, right).

Harwell opted to bat first as anyone would on a seemingly dry and flat pitch, but things went badly awry [for them anyway]. Before A. Darley (4-1-6-1) collapsed in a pool of his own unfit, comfort-food induced sweat, his opening combo with J. Hoskins (8-2-18-1) fair rattled through the overs [and a couple of batsmen to boot]. Their excellent work was continued with aplomb by D. Shorten and G. Timms, who at one point had Harwell tottering on 38-7 (17.5 ovs). This is far from standard fare. Dave’s wickets (8-2-27-3), all swinging in, were bowled – and none of them were caught. This is standard fare.

Proof positive that ‘Hang Time’ just… hangs in the air.

From here on, it was all plain sailing for The MAD as they quickly extinguished the opposition tail. Oh, no – they didn’t. This is much more sta…. [complete that sentence]. With some fielding howlers and gaffs that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a Harold Lloyd sketch, Harwell managed to raise their game [and total] into the eighties. M. Hasan (34) ran for his life, whilst R. Kirapati (24*) should have been ran out half a dozen times. He wasn’t. In the end, Timms (6.5-0-17-4) returned his first MAD 4-for with the help of a running, juggling, farcically spilled catch in the covers that Westmoreland finally caught again after dropping it a further twenty five times. This is standard fare. 89 all out.

Time for the Boar’s Hill Catering Core (BHCC) to do us proud, and time for The MAD to argue about the pronunciation of “scones” – as in “sk-oan-s” or “sk-on-z”. Fascinating, as I’m sure everyone will concur…. The mysterious ‘Eighth Earl of Lucan’ was absent throughout despite rumours to the contrary. This is typically standard fare.

Moo gets The MAD’s T20 response underway.

On resumption, The MAD displayed none of the patience they had failed to learn in the reverse at Harwell, by once again settling into T20 mode. Who needs forty overs for what you can twat in twenty? Who needs to “get in” before they are “in”? What is the point of building an innings? D. Emerson tonked a quickfire 18, whilst Westmoreland a less tonksome 22. R. Turner splatted 4 whilst S. Dobner smashed 1, with 36-0 becoming 48-4. Players in shorts climbed back into whites. Yawns of disinterest were replaced with “panic… panic… panic…” and suddenly we had a game. This is extremely standard fare.

Hath no fear, for The MAD have a finisher who goes by the name of Reeves. Mike is to an asterisk [not out] what Obelix is to a French drawn comic (in Roman times). He just loves protecting his average. There is nothing that comes close to giving Mr. Reeves the pleasure he extols in pawing over the scorebook when he has a * next to his total. Standard fare. Just as well too, because Shorten’s (12) doughy bash ended early, as did the complete shit which was I. Howarth (3) and G. Carter’s (0) input into the match. Mike just simply brought us home. Like he does. In situations like this. 93-7 (27.5 ovs). At the other end, A. Darley’s enigmatic contribution was a nerve jangling 1 not out, that belies this guy’s true talent. All. Very. Standard. Fare.

MAD finishers: M. Reeves and A. Darley.

With an earlier than expected finish to the game, players now clamoured outside the pavilion for a much needed pint. People were dying out here – OPEN THE BLOODY BAR! When it did eventually open (later that week), a bum rush ensued, with players from both teams forgetting their accord whilst jockeying by the pumps and exchanging fists and headbutts. Thirst finally slacked, kit liberally dispensed (and lost), some showered, some sat in the late evening sunshine, whilst some pawed over their unbeaten knocks in the scorebook. All this took place whilst one chap just went to look for a dog. “Midge! Midge! Midge! Mid-d-d-d-d-g-g-g-e-e-e-e!”

All agreed – this was standard fare.

‘Alzheimer’s’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Harwell CC Played at Jordan Hill, 22 June 2014 Harwell CC won the toss and elected to bat Far from the MCC won by 3 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

14 / 325 40 over match

Team	Harwell CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	Amit	b Hoskins	7	(37)	-	-	6-27
2	S. Hawkes	b Darley	2	(13)	-	-	1-5
3	S. Boag	run out (Carter/Dobner)	2	(9)	-	-	2-8
4	R. Tanner +	b Shorten	1	(9)	-	-	3-13
5	S. Pritchard *	b Shorten	5	(10)	-	-	4-19
6	P. Newton	b Shorten	0	(2)	-	-	5-19
7	M. Hasan	lbw b Timms	34	(48)	3	-	8-85
8	A. Smith	b Timms	0	(8)	-	-	7-38
9	R. Kirapati	not out	24	(36)	2	-	-
10	K. Hafeez	c Westmoreland b Timms	0	(3)	-	-	9-89
11	A. Braden	b Timms	0	(2)	-	-	10-89
	Extras	(W5, LB1, B8)	14
	TOTAL	(all out, 29.5 overs)	89

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Darley	4	1	6	1
2	Hoskins	8	2	18	1
3	Shorten	8	2	27	3
4	Timms	6.5	0	17	4
5	Reeves	3	0	12	0

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Emerson	c Hasan b Hafeez	18	(24)	1	-	1-36
2	M. T. Westmoreland	c Tanner b Hafeez	22	(34)	3	-	3-47
3	R. P. Turner	b Hafeez	4	(7)	1	-	2-42
4	S. L. P. Dobner +	b Hafeez	1	(13)	-	-	4-48
5	M. K. Reeves	not out	26	(57)	1	-	-
6	D. Shorten	c Tanner b Kirapati	12	(17)	1	-	5-69
7	I. Howarth *	b Hasan	3	(6)	-	-	6-72
8	G. Carter	lbw b Hasan	0	(2)	-	-	7-72
9	A. Darley	not out	1	(12)	-	-	-
10	J. D. Hoskins
11	G. J. Timms
	Extras	(W1, LB1, B4)	6
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 27.5 overs)	93

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Hafeez	8	1	24	4
2	Braden	3	1	21	0
3	Kirapati	8	2	20	1
4	Hasan	5	1	15	2
5	Boag	2.5	0	8	0
6	Pritchard	1	0	3	0

MOTM: D. Shorten Champagne Moment: A. Darley’s first wicket (bowled) Buffet Award: M. K. Reeves’ eggy fried bread (with HP brown sauce)

Opposition: V069 / 05 Ground: G013 / 19 Captain: C007 / 54