“Newsflash – FFTMCC Announce Touring Party”

Match: 15 / 368

Won by 3 wkts

Team	Total
Islip CC	106 - 7
D. Shorten 2 - 10, C. Roberts 2 - 15
FFTMCC	107 - 7
D. Emerson 47, S. Dobner 19

Ahead of their departure in just four days’ time and after their final warm up game against Islip CC, the FFTMCC today announce the squad who will tour the New Forest on the south coast of England. The selectors have gone with a wealth of experience, retaining an amazing eight players: Shorten, Dobner, Hotson, Reeves, Smith, Westmoreland, Hoskins and Howarth from the team that last won a game away from Oxford, a bewildering six years ago, although they are certainly going to miss Hebbes and Edwards, who contributed 98 runs that day and Leggate, who didn’t. It is quite possibly the oldest team to ever leave these Shires, although the omission of G Carter brings the average down considerably.

Blast from the past: Edwards and Hebbes at Legbourne CC – the last MAD win on Tour….

The tour has not been without controversy, with all players desperate to avoid the debacle of f______ T______ some twelve months ago. In the run up to the announcement there has been a ban on talk of flower shows or Holiday Inns. Tour organiser Russ Turner has said ‘with four games in four days we’re looking for at least two, possible three opportunities for a barbeque, although the lack of Pizza restaurants in the Hythe area is causing some concern. Club Treasurer M Reeves added ‘look, I’ve fucking rung that hotel five maybe six times, I’ve even driven down there. If they go bankrupt or get hit by a meteor before we arrive, then I’m not responsible, OK’. There is cause for optimism however with Martin Westmoreland targeting a pub lunch prior to the first game. ‘Some sort of door-step sandwich would be acceptable, but ham, eggs and chips is what we’re really after’, he said.

A classic Tour lunch.

Ahead of the announcement, the FFTMCC conducted their last warm up game against Islip. This was a demonstration of how far the team has come this season since their woeful performance in game four, where the Far were bowled out for 51 (of which 21 were extras. There’s not even a match report FFS.) However that was fifteen wins (and one tie) ago and currently the team is brimming in confidence.

Captain G Timms won the toss and decided to field on a pitch offering some variable bounce, but still 100 times better than the dog of game four. The FFTMCC opened with Newman (5-0-17-0). He would have been a shoe in to make the trip, but a cruel hand injury ultimately saw him side-lined. At the other end, Dave Shorten (7-2-10-2) showed why he was one of the first names on the list, although accommodation catering for wayward mongrels will be weighing on his mind. Next up, Timms was keen to see whether Dobner (5-0-17-0) would be selected for his batting, wicket keeping and baiting of Howarth abilities, or whether bowling could be added to the list. Although a little wayward at times, he had at least taken on board advice about not sprinting down the wicket at the first opportunity and therefore booked his place.

Steve (left): “So, Spam – who d’you reckon is shittest these days?”

The selectors have decided to take a gamble on Rundle (5-1-14-0). Although a tour veteran, who has previously impressed, especially for his drinking, there must be grave concerns about his ability to last the full four days. For this reason cover has been proved in the shape of Roberts (6-0-15-2), who was certain in any case although he will be perhaps asked to step up to the senior ranks of captaincy. This is an opportunity for him to cement his place for years to come.

One man sure to make the trip is Reeves (5-0-18-0), because you know, he spent fucking hours booking that hotel and if anything goes wrong it’s not his fault, alright. Timms (2-0-11-1), who was particularly scarred by the f______ T______ experience, will also be along for the trip after months of counselling after which he was convinced that nothing could possibly be that bad again.

Spam (right): “Well, Steve – hard to call really, we both underachieve with a degree of consistency these days.”

Islip were strangely subdued today, quiet both on and off the pitch. They never really got going and some very tight bowling by guys keen to be on the bus to the south coast, meant that they were restricted to just 106 in their 35 overs. The run of games has suited several players with Westmoreland particularly impressive behind the stumps, although with several others in the queue and the traditional approach of doing ‘who the hell knows’ on tour, he’ll be lucky to retain that spot full time. Roberts was involved in two run outs, including one direct hit and Reeves managed to get most of his body in the way of a moo down the leg side off a loosener from Timms.

The only sad news of the day is that Dave Emerson is unlikely to make the full tour contribution. He was fantastic today, hitting a four off the first ball, twenty two in one over and was finally out on 47 after just 26 balls. The FFTMCC will desperately miss his contributions both on and off the pitch although the Fountain Court is breathing a sigh of relief. His start meant that the FFTMCC were absolutely cruising at 54 for 0 in just 7 overs, however The MAD being The MAD, nothing could come easy and after losing four wickets with the score on 85, including Reeves and Timms playing hilariously terribly identical shots across the line to a straight ball – all leaving the team thinking, surely, surely we cannot cock it up from here. However, these days they’re made of sterner stuff and valuable contributions from Dobner (19), Shorten (15 n.o.) and Rundle (3 n.o.), meant they just about flopped across the line.

SNICK! Caught behind. Spam: “That’d be me then.”

So that’s about it, the FFTMCC are ready, being on perhaps the best run of form in the clubs history. Lifts have been organised, hotels rooms have been booked (to my knowledge) and wives and girlfriends have been placated (to the best of my knowledge).

There is absolutely, positively, nothing that can go wrong….

The FFTMCC 2015 Tour squad in full:

Bullock, M (btsm, wckt)

Dobner, S L P (btsm, bwl, wckt)

Hoskins, J D (bwl)

Hotson, J (btsm, wckt)

Howarth, I (btsm, bwl, moaner)

Pearson, J W (btsm, sleeper)

Reeves, M K (btsm, bwl, under used wckt)

Roberts, C D (tall bwl)

Rundle, M S (likely injured)

Shorten, D (dog keeper, not skipper)

Smith , T P W (drinker)

Timms, G J (bwl, not skipper)

Turner, R P (pizza)

Westmoreland, M T (100^th wckt taker)

‘Reevsie’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Islip CC Played at Brasenose College, 30 July 2015 FFTMCC won the toss and elected to field Far from the MCC won by 3 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

15 / 368 35 over match

Team	Islip CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. Wilkins	b Shorten	4		-		2-24
2	P. Lowe	b Shorten	15		3	-	1-23
3	O. Black *	run out (Roberts)	19		3	-	3-63
4	B. Deeley	b Roberts	14		1	-	4-69
5	A. Epton	c Reeves b Timms	4		-	-	5-69
6	Ethesham	b Roberts	2		-	-	6-90
7	A. Mishra	not out	28		1	-	-
8	Mateen †	run out (Roberts/Westmoreland)	9		1	-	7-103
9	Farooq	not out	3		-	-	-
10	N. Mason
11	K. Crawford
	Extras	NB1, W3, B4	8
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 35 overs)	106

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Newman-Robson	5	0	17	0
2	Shorten	7	2	10	2
3	Dobner	5	0	17	0
4	Rundle	5	1	14	0
5	Roberts	6	0	15	2
6	Reeves	5	0	18	0
7	Timms	2	0	11	1

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Emerson	b Ethesham	47	(26)	7	1	2-56
2	M. T. Westmoreland †	b Crawford	9	(20)	2	-	1-54
3	S. L. P. Dobner	b Ethesham	19	(42)	2	-	4-85
4	I. Howarth	c Mateen b Ethesham	2	(8)	-	-	3-77
5	T. P. W. Smith	c Mateen b Epton	4	(7)	-	-	5-85
6	D. Shorten	not out	15	(25)	3	-	-
7	M. K. Reeves	b Epton	0	(2)	-	-	6-85
8	G. J. Timms *	b Epton	0	(2)	-	-	7-85
9	M. S. Rundle	not out	3	(15)	-	-	-
10	C. D. Roberts
11	J. Newman-Robson
	Extras	W4, LB1, B3	8
	TOTAL	(for 7 wickets, 24.3 overs)	107

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Farooq	5.3	1	42	0
2	Crawford	6	0	22	1
3	Ethesham	6	1	23	3
4	Epton	8	1	16	3

MOTM: D. Emerson Champagne Moment: C. D. Roberts’ direct run out Buffet Award: G. J. Timms’ pre-Tour open air barbeque (as much as you can eat)

Opposition: V078 / 04 Ground: G040 / 49 Captain: C022 / 35