“FFTMCC Record Loss Somewhere”

Match: 16 / 380

Lost by 7 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	88 - 9
T. Smith 29, D. Emerson 13
Wolvercote CC	89 - 3
T. Smith 1 - 12

Wolvercote CC are one of a new crop of teams that the Far from the MCC hope to play during 2016, whilst also helping to fulfil Fixture Secretary Ian Howarth’s ambition of playing on every cricket pitch in Oxford(shire) before he drops dead – and judging by his condition over the course of the May Day Bank Holiday, these changes to the MAD roster maybe increasingly more regular. Wolvercote for the record, were warmly received by Mr Shorten’s T20 band of merry sloggers, whose consensus of opinion was the humourous and self-deprecating ways of the hosts were cut from the same cloth as that from Far from the Pub that no Longer Exists. Indeed, result notwithstanding, skillsets didn’t seem to differ on a grandiose scale either, so a rivalry to savour for a good few years to go – or at least until Ian wants to play on some new pitches….

Thorn finds some shed somewhere which is near some pitch somewhere.

But where do Wolvercote play? Well, they have a weekend ground in Cutteslowe that The MAD have graced on many an occasion in the past, and they also have another pitch for midweek games somewhere off the Woodstock Road. If you need to find it, “…heading away from the city centre, turn left into the school sports grounds, as if you were going to the leisure centre. Park by the tennis courts then walk back on yourself and look across. On the left there are a couple of cricket pitches, head for the furthest. It is best if you can come changed but not essential.” – David Quinn, general underappreciated Dogsbody for WCC.

Any good? Nope.

Okay, try this: “…looking via Google Earth, and the two tennis courts mentioned [above] are sat next to Keble College – where we [The MAD] used to play Oxenford CC. Therefore, head down St. Edward’s Avenue off the Woodstock Road – park down there, and look out for er… cricketers and stumps.” – 2016 Clubman of the Year, I. Howarth.

Still no good? No, not really (deepest sigh*).

We need now draw on the services of posh ex-St Edwards School graduate, Corporal James William Pearson, who at the tender age of 18, left to join Rambo to fix the Middle East, armed only with ‘A’ levels in Maths, Geography & Chemistry tucked neatly under his pistol and bayonet. So come on, where the fuck is the ground, James?

James marks the spot.

[Audible noise of clearing ones throat on removal of smug cigarette from ones mouth] “Heading into town along the Woodstock Road, you will pass Osberton Road on your left just before taking the right turn on to St Edward’s Avenue. If you’re coming out of town along the Woodstock road, you will see the main school on your right, and the main playing fields (with Cricket Pavilion) on your left behind a low wooden fence and hedge. Turn left on to St Edward’s Avenue. In either case, you should see a sign marking it as the entrance to St Edward's school and a 1-way road with some speed bumps. Head down this road, passing the boarding houses to the left and right – and a new car park on your right. The road goes down a hill and turns 90 degrees left. Ahead of you is the astro and a car park – park there. 

Leaving your car, walk back along the road you arrived on for a bit at the bottom of the bank. To your left are the Lower two pitches. Where you took the 90 degree turn, carry on, along a dirt track with a small ditch to your right at the bottom of the bank. You will reach a drainage ditch running at 90 degrees to your left which heads towards the canal. This marks the boundary between the Lower 2 and Lower 3 pitches (we are playing on the latter). There used to be a green corrugated iron shelter at the drainage ditch end but that was 20 years ago. It’s probably a palace or something now.

If you get lost, find the school, find the astro tennis pitch, then find me.” – Lots of love James. X

But what of the cricket itself?

Ah, yes – forget about that…. We lost.

The return of the Slogmaster General (Lego – left).

Having survived the vagaries of the breathtaking fuck up which is the Oxford Council’s inability to plan any decent roadworks over the past decade, the dribs and drabs of the competing teams arrived at Lower Pitch 3 to allow the season’s first MAD T20 to get underway. With Mr Shorten’s charges ringing him in the ear about a “batting fucking paradise”, Dave happily obliged on securing the toss, standing back and then watching agog as wickets tumbled with an alarming regularity. We are all Captains and fine judges of a wicket, no?

Of the 9 wickets to tumble, only the aforementioned Mr J. W. Pearson can claim to have been beaten by pace – a beauty which even from a distance appeared to “[drift] in from outside off, angling towards leg and seaming back to [shatter] off stump.” Whether you believe that excuse or not, James’ return to his formative stomping grounds rewarded him with a third ball duck.

The return of the Pink Visored One (Paddy – with bat).

The rest of the team were a mixture of the beguiled, bewildered and fucking clueless. Hotson (0) and Emerson (13) fell to the leggies of Ashram (3-0-25-2), with the former receiving an absolute jaffa first up – a huge recompense for Jake’s hard slog by car from nearby Banbury no less. Mellor (9) and Howarth (8) fell to the cunning tweak of off-spinner J. Campion (2-0-10-2), with the latter being “done by one that did fuck all – it just never spun.” Umpires Geoff, George, Gilbert and Godfrey were in agreement – “it would have hit three quarters up, Spam, middle stick, so off you jog, son.” That leaves us with Shorten (5) marooned down the wicket to the lobbers from J. Elsworth (3-0-19-1) and Tall Bob (2) exercising the scorers for the first time this year before seeing one spin from outside leg and hitting top of off (quite a ball). The same bowler, Velaquez (3-0-14-2), also did for Mr T. P. W. Smith, whose cavalier bash of 29 with a sawn off lamppost underpinned a final MAD total of 88-9 all out.

88-9 all out? Correct.

Emerson (right) holes out to mid off whilst needing a piss.

…oh, yes, lest we forget, there was the slightly unfortunate dismissal of Mr R. P. Turner (11) who was caught reaching for a wider than wide one. Believing the eighteenth over to actually be the final over after squinting at a tiny plastic scoreboard in the distance, poor Russ had conferred with incompetent umpire Howarth who agreed “yeah, this is the final over.” Which all leaves The MAD #11 who by this time had still not yet found Lower Pitch 3 – that is the one just up the Woodstock Road on the….

88-9. Not many then, and certainly not the 110 or 120 that were deemed competitive following on from the inevitable 7 wicket defeat. But then it’s all about knowing your pitch and playing in a certain style, very much like Wolvercote would go on to demonstrate with C. Potter (30*) patiently accumulating and waiting for the bad ball. The pitch was slow and the pitch would turn. It certainly helped Pearson (3-0-18-1) and MOTM Smith (2-0-12-1), but not so Roberts (4-0-11-0), Turner (2-0-12-0), Howarth (2-0-13-0), Shorten (1-0-9-0) or Mughal (2-0-14-0).

“Mughal?!” – I hear you cry. Yes, Sami Mughal, The MAD’s #11 had finally found St Edwards School’s Lower Pitch 3, and in the short time he was on the field, he amused all with his fielding on the boundary, before impressing all with the ball – sharp off spin delivered from a JMO-esque run up.

So, a loss is a loss is a loss, and this loss dissolved the ambition of breaking a MAD record of 5 consecutive victories. Bugger. But hey ho, lessons learnt and all that, just like Mr J. W. Pearson ably authenticated earlier in the match.

‘Spam’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Wolvercote CC Played at St Edwards School (Lower 3), 4 May 2016 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Wolvercote CC won by 7 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: Sami Mughal (136)

16 / 380 20 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	D. Emerson	c Walsh b Ashraf	13	(14)	2	-	2-17
2	J. C. W. Hotson	b Ashraf	0	(1)	-	-	1-1
3	P. A. S. Mellor	c Oliver b Campion	9	(18)	1	-	3-39
4	T. P. W. Smith	c and b Velasquez	29	(33)	5	-	6-64
5	I. Howarth	lbw b Campion	8	(8)	1	-	4-51
6	J. W. Pearson	b Manzoor	0	(3)	-	-	5-52
7	D. Shorten *	st Oliver b Ellsworth	5	(9)	-	-	7-68
8	C.D. Roberts	b Velasquez	2	(4)	-	-	8-70
9	R. P. Turner	c Ashraf b Pomnambulam	11	(7)	1	-	9-88
10	G. Carter †	not out	7	(8)	-	-	-
11	S. Mughal	absent
	Extras	W4	4
	TOTAL	(all out, 17.3 overs)	88

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Ashraf	3	0	25	2
2	Elliott	3	0	12	0
3	Manzoor	3	0	5	1
4	Campion	2	0	10	2
5	Velasquez	3	0	14	2
6	Ellsworth	3	0	19	1
7	Pomnambulam	0.3	0	3	1

Team	Wolvercote CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. Oliver †	c Howarth b Pearson	15				1-26
2	C. Potter *	retired	30				-
3	J. Elsner	c Roberts b Smith	2				2-32
4	R. Pomnambulam	run out (Hotson/Turner)	6				3-52
5	P. Walsh	not out	15				-
6	J. Campion	not out	10				-
7	T. Manzoor
8	J. Elliott
9	J. Ellsworth
10	L. Velasquez
11	Y. Ashraf
	Extras	NB3, W5, LB2, B1	11
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 16 overs)	89

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts
1	Roberts	4	0	11	0
2	Pearson	3	0	18	1
3	Smith	2	0	12	1
4	Turner	2	0	12	0
5	Mughal	2	0	14	0
6	Howarth	2	0	13	0
7	Shorten	1	0	9	0

MOTM: T. P. W. Smith Champagne Moment: J. C. W. Hotson & R. P. Turner’s combined run out Buffet Award: D. Shorten’s blackberry and apple pie (with extra cream)

Opposition: V086 / 01 Ground: G078 / 01 Captain: C016 / 13