“2016 Tour Ratings”

Hythe & Dibden CC on MAD Tour 2016.

The Far from the MCC’s tour of Hythe, Hampshire was another hugely successful Tour to the area, with the team taking back a creditable 2-2 draw (in terms of games played). The sun shone mostly throughout and everyone had a blast. Many thanks to all those who helped organise the excursion – in particular for the contributions of Russ Turner and Mike Reeves.

Here, following on from the epochal ‘Player Ratings’ Inspection in 2008, are the utterly mesmerising and beguiling findings for a southern adventure of cricketing par-excellence….

‘Tour Player Inspector’

Name: Lee Ainsworth

Rating: 9 out of 10 on the Hangometer

A Tour debutant and another player to be swallowed and spat out whole by the ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’ (HDF) – the inaugural day on the slash which can buckle your senses and trample you into a beer soaked earth. Engaging, miserable and delightfully amusing in equal measure, Mr Ainsworth somehow found the fortitude to avoid puiking in the team bus the day after – even performing to a standard v Knights Valley CC that was deemed worthy of a MOTM award. A father in waiting, that hangover would duly arrive on the final day at Pylewell Park – where his team mates fell about in hysterics as his cricketing world imploded before their eyes. We expect much better of one of our shining lights in 2017.

Name: Matt Bullock

Rating: Golden

A Tour veteran and the epicentre of what makes a MAD Tour tick, Matt’s 2016 expedition got off to a particularly rocky start. Sub-standard tossing cost him his place at Bramshaw, before he received a brute of a ball first up at Hythe & Dibden (where else?) Drawing on years of CAMRA beer experience, he put those disappointments behind him to concentrate on getting twatted, scoring some runs and then having his hotel room broken into. Fortunately the intruder was only interested in his bed. Matt gains extra kudos for coming up with a gem of a MAD Quiz on Curry Night – a mindfuck combining booze, basic arithmetic and undisclosed MAD Player Numbers to come up with… a MAD Player Number and answer.

Name: Geoff Carter

Rating: Schizophrenic

Unsurprisingly, Geoff didn’t Tour last year after experiencing the tragedy which was f______ T______, opting instead to go Buckfast drinking in Scotland with his schizophrenic brothers George, Gerald and Godfrey. However, on hearing some cricket was actually played in Hampshire in 2015, he signed up immediately for this, only to be dropped for the first game before buggering back off to Oxford to see his beloved U’s on the Saturday. As a reward for his hard drinking and loyalty to the cause, Geoff was made Skipper against Pylewell the following day – a role he thoroughly embraced, making a pivotal 1 not out after hosting a spectacular Q&A conference in the early hours.

Name: Duck

Rating: Disrespected

Marginalised due to Giant Duck’s constant bullying and need to be the centre of attention, the ever popular mascot Duck still completed an eighth Tour of Duty. Another victim of the ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’ – Duck simply disappeared, thought lost with the ghosts of George and Lennie…. Mercifully, he was reunited with Team MAD following Saturday night’s Q&A session in the Conference Room – spotted and recovered from among the many glasses, cans and other assorted debris strewn across the floor.

Name: Giant Duck

Rating: 8 out of 10 on the Pullometer

After being left in the boot of Ian Howarth’s car the year before, Giant Duck threw himself into 2016’s adventures with gusto. Dogs love pissing on him, kids love playing with him and it appears women find him alluring too. With touring attention firmly focussed on boozing at Ebenezers pub on Friday night, GD was busy in the beer garden pulling a gaggle of dolled up Hythe ladies. They even took him for a ride the jammy bastard!

Name: James Hoskins

Rating: 4 street benches out of 5

James has been on more MAD Tours than anyone else – especially if you deconsider the guy below (Jake), but despite his wealth of experience in avoiding the many trip hazards thereof, he was unable to swerve the trapdoor which is ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’. How George and Lennie would have roared their approval to find him comatose on a street bench, his sizeable Betfred winnings fluttering in the wind. But JMO is made of sterner stuff, realigning his membrane to launch a sensational maximum into the Hythe pavilion later in the evening. In his shorts I might add. Mr Hoskins also receives extra marks for wooing the decadent locals of Pylewell Park, by getting the entire team hooked on the delights of Blackout Juice (Prosecco).

Name: Jake Hotson

Rating: 3 mugs of tea out of 5

Jake has been on more MAD Tours than anyone else – especially if you deconsider the guy above (James), which probably means he’s drank more cups of tea than anyone else too. In between a good cuppa, his algorithmic know-how was utilised to pick teams of 11 from 16 taking in various mitigating circumstances. Child’s play for Jake – the formula scribbled on the back of a coffee stained rizla paper and glued to the back of his bat. A bat which continues to growl louder with each passing year, transformed from a plodding plank into a bruising blade. Mr Hotson’s bat isn’t the only thing to have experienced a morphosis, his ankle length follicles replaced by a debonair cut as sharp as his counting of his team mate’s pints.

Name: Ian Howarth (aka George)

Rating: 1 lamb vindaloo out of 1

Last year Ian played 2 games out of 4 plus another that he can’t remember. He was sick multiple times and largely ineffectual. This year he played 4 games out of 4 that he can remember and was a darned site more effectual. After Skippering The MAD to an opening T20 victory against Bramshaw CC, Mr Howarth then concentrated on keeping a fair distance between Lennie and himself for ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’. This didn’t have the seismic effect one might have imagined, in that he only managed the addition of 4 extra runs. That said, he could remember them. The gentler and more compassionate side of Ian was later outed, giving up his bed to sleep with Giant Duck on a bedroom floor – a 7 hour commuting Mr S. Parkinson the grateful recipient.

Name: Steve Parkinson

Rating: 1 cob out of a possible 2

Just over five years had elapsed since Mr S. Parkinson last showcased his Norfolk cricketing talents for The MAD. Then it was the whiff of the Appleton sewerage works, here it was the whiff of The Solent eddying around Hythe & Dibden CC. Notwithstanding a 7 hour commute from a pig farm up north, Steve arrived just in time to be sent straight out to the middle minus a box. With a haughty arrogance befitting extended time spent out in France, he swept his first ball imperiously for four. Sharp and withering in equal measure, a MAD Tour can only be enriched with one of our Steve’s back in the fold – particularly if there’s a punch up. Parkie also bowled, got smacked into a skating park and suffered only two verified bouts of hypochondria. Ale intake was naturally composed and assured throughout.

Name: James Pearson

Rating: 4 thick crust Domino’s out of 5

After a season that can at best be described as woeful, James appears to be finally turning the corner, and in doing so was anything but woeful on Tour. He guided The MAD home in near darkness at Bramshaw, took 50% of the team’s wickets at Hythe & Dibden and provided the batting foundations for a splendid final day victory at Pylewell. Inbetween these accomplishments, he was able to adhere to a calorifically conscious diet of Domino’s pizzas washed down with an assortment of medium strength beer and lager. Corporal Pearson can also be applauded for skillfully avoiding Captaincy at H&D CC – but since Lennie arrived solo this year, this perhaps wasn’t the issue as it might have been….

Name: Mike Reeves

Rating: Hero to zero to somewhere in between

As is usual, Reevsie richly deserved some success on Tour after all his graft in booking hotels and mini-buses. However, his much-lauded pyrotechnics against Bramshaw with the bat would preface a showing of such toilet v Hythe & Dibden, Fantasy Managers demanded him hung from one of the trees his bowling sailed into. Engaging, personable and acutely dismissive when the mood suits, Mikey returned to some form against Pylewell – bowling the majority of his spell in agony with his knee in plaster. A true MAD hero to the cause and don’t we fucking know it.

Name: Chris Roberts (aka Lennie)

Rating: One half of a novella

A celebrated drunk in the Hythe & Dibden quarters of Hampshire, Lennie certainly didn’t let his legions of fans down. Eschewing cricket in favour of boosting post-Brexit bar takings, Lennie got stuck right the fuck in – as you would expect from someone of his alcoholic standing. There was a notable sadness to his eye however, the absence of his shorter drinking sidekick, George. However, time waits for no man….

Radiating that familiar understated and upbeat presence we all take for granted, Lennie turned his hand to most things on Tour. Wicketkeeper, bowler, batsman, umpire, beer-getter-inner, beer drinker, beer advocator and beer advice. In his latter role, he was brilliant in expanding qualified counselling to wreck-head-wannabees Ainsworth and Hoskins, on the proviso they didn’t go spooning on Mice and Men Mound.

Name: Mark Rundle

Rating: No KO’s in 4 days

Several unsuccessful trips down the Nelson in the hope of securing a decent pub brawl, represents a most disappointing Tour for Psycho. Even the volatile bar area of Balti Towers failed to pony up a solid bunch of fives smashing into someone’s jawbone. On the field, things went far better, with an unbeaten slog of 31* v Hythe & Dibden CC the standout. In fact, it stood out so much; he was rewarded by replacing Lennie at #11 the following day. Mr Rundle gains marks for agreeing to share a claustrophobic room containing George, Giant Duck and some inbred farmhand from Louth.

Name: Dave Shorten

Rating: 2 pissed failures out of 3

If anyone should stay clear of mixing alcohol with cricket it is Slogger Shorten. His incapacity for multi-tasking liquor and sport is plain for all to see. Embarrassing at Bramshaw and completely useless at Pylewell, a paying public left empty-handed after his hopeless attempts to batter balls out the park. He bowled a few decent overs, but by then his anger had superseded his hangover – thank god Dog Midge wasn’t about to reap his wrath. But Joe Public doesn’t attend MAD matches to watch Dave bowl – do they fuck – they want to see towering maximums and thunderous heaves, so although he was magnificent company throughout, he returns off Tour under a dark Prosecco-laden cloud. The team expect more in 2017.

Name: Thornton Smith

Rating: Two coin tosses out of four

Mr. T. P. W. Smith is a bona fide Tour Captain and sometimes he even remembers volunteering as such. Maybe if he had realised he was in the hat for ‘Hythe & Dibden Friday’, he’d have had second thoughts? Hey ho, a flogging we will go. Taking one for the team on the aforementioned Friday, Thorn never really hit his straps on Tour, though one does remember a languid one-handed catch at Bramshaw whilst juggling a cigarette and a can of Stella on his head. He also demonstrated a marvellous ability to scale Balti Towers in the early hours of Saturday morning, gaining access to his locked bedroom through an open window. Insightful, effervescent and a dab hand at flicking coins on player’s hats, he is also a dab hand at sourcing bouncing pint glasses.

Name: Gary Timms

Rating: Pure Gold

If anyone relaxes more into a state of comatose lethargy on Tour we are yet to meet him. Unburdened with having to massage the delicate souls and insecurities of Team MAD, Mr Timms arrives, drops his kitbag on the floor, lights up a fag and heads to the bar. No game? Fuck it – not my problem. Short of players? Fuck it – not my problem. Cash point not working? Fuck it – I’ll borrow from the Bank of Turner. No MAD Quiz? Fuck it – Warnie can do that. Bar shut and no beer? Now that is a problem….

You’d be forgiven for asking if Gary actually played any cricket on Tour, because it took him until Saturday to register a heartbeat – a couple more cheeky wickets accrued as he dismissed the returning KVCC opening batsmen – approximately 153 runs too late by the by. Outside the cricketing sphere, he applied himself magnificently to drinking, singing and doing largely fuck all. But everything achieved with a smile on his face.

Name: Russ Turner

Rating: Sizeable

Tour represents FOUR DAYS of Olympian eating for Mr R. P. Turner. FOUR DAYS away from the prying eyes of Madge as he feasts on everything the port town of Hythe & Dibden can cook at him. Hearty breakfast – tick. Hearty lunch – tick. Cheeky pasty or (large) bag of chips – tick. Post-match BBQ – multiple ticks. Evening curry and armada of side orders – tick. Crisps and/or cheeky kebab in the twilight hours – tick. You cook it, he’ll eat it.

Besides devouring most of Hampshire, Russ provided that steady hand Team MAD have come to rely on in recent years. Innings of approximately 20 with every knock, lots of amusing tumbling in the field and multiple phone calls to check up on the opposition. In fact, such is Russ’ team ethic; he even subscribed to rooming with the intoxicated Ainsworth and rolling him into the recovery position each night.

Name: Martin Westmoreland

Rating: Faultless

An utterly flawless Tour for Mooman. He kept pace with Turner in the restaurants and fast food retail outlets, was an able understudy for Lennie at Hythe & Dibden CC, experienced zero failures with the bat, zero failures with the ball and was completely blameless in the field for the litany of bungled catches. In fact, the only fly in the ointment was perhaps the fact that Martin didn’t actually play any cricket. A cruellest of hamstring pulls a week before put paid to his dreams and aspirations, but nonetheless he travelled down sarf on a wing and a crutch. He is awarded full marks for perseverance and putting Club before Man.