“Tits”
Match: 17
/ 441
Lost by
4 wkts
|
Team |
Total |
|
FFTMCC |
148 |
|
L. Ainsworth 54, C. Williams
24 |
|
|
|
|
|
Appleton CC |
151 - 6 |
|
J. Hoskins 4 - 33, C. Vermaak
2 - 17 |
|
|
Much has been written
about Appleton, so to avoid repetition and falling into cliché, I will write
instead about Eaton. The small leafy hamlet
of Eaton can be reached by a single track road as you head out of Appleton.
It is an extremely posh area of Oxford were driveways tumble into the
distance behind automated gates, and imposing fifty bedroom houses tower
above the manicured trees. There is a delectable pub in the centre called The
Eight Bells which is apparently haunted by a ghost called Libby, if you are
of a supernatural persuasion, of which I am not. It caters for an exclusive
clientele who arrive in open top sports cars, the wealthy aristocracy
accompanied by ladies in heels sporting freshly styled cuts and false tits.
It was here The MAD decamped after a crappy game of cricket to have a good
moan. Earlier in the day,
Captain Timms won the toss and elected to put a huge total on the board with
a stellar batting line-up afforded the luxury of an excellent pitch under warm
blue skies. There was absolutely nothing in the pitch for the bowler, other
than a degree of turn for a spinner who could spin a ball.
“Some amazing false tits at that pub down there.” Having accepted Turner’s
(0) catching practice in the slips, Appleton then watched Williams (24) and
Howarth accompany Ainsworth to a well-deserved half century which at drinks
had the scoreboard reading 96-2. This being a perfect springboard for total
in excess of 200 and one from which The MAD could dictate terms. The decision
to slake ones thirst on orange or watered down Vimto being superfluous to the
narrative, but included nonetheless. Having learnt absolutely
nothing from previous innings this season where the decision to “give it a
bit of a go” from about the 25th over has precipitated a collapse, The MAD
decided to “give it a bit of a go” from about the 25th over and precipitated
a collapse. Having avoided an LBW appeal due to some generous umpiring,
Ainsworth (54) survived Roger Gilkes’ bungled stumping attempt before
standing even more adjacent in front of his stumps (this time out). Noting
the departure of the half-centurion and taking ownership of being the
established top-order bat, Howarth (23) lectured Shorten on “getting their
heads down” before heaving across the line the very next over.
Reeves hits a round red thing. This sequence of batting
incompetence now continued at full mast with Shorten (5) the next to go,
appearing terrified he might actually hit the ball he simply poked it in the
air. Vermaak’s application for the exulted Golden Duck community was
approved, before Timms’ (2) recent unrevival continued apace by forgetting to
use his bat. Reeves (19) would whack
a few in frustration at all those preceding him, before Hoskins (0), Rundle
(6) and Roberts (0*) wouldn’t whack a lot. In fairness to Bob (no balls
faced), he simply walked out and walked back whilst considering why he
bothered carrying a lump of wood with him. All out 148 and not very good. Unbefitting a day of
grim underachievement, the teas were probably the best encountered all
season. It is therefore only righteous that the splendid efforts of Wayne
Geller’s wife should be noted for posterity. No imagery of the delightfully
impressive spread is forthcoming, so here is an image of something equally
impressive which is forthcoming….
Mike Ashley: a master at work. Back out on the field,
it quickly became apparent that there was absolutely bugger
all in the track for the seamers, as there had been all day to be honest.
Reeves (5-0-16-0) and Roberts (6-0-31-0) stuck manfully to their task, before
the introduction of non-spinning spinner Hoskins changed the course of the match. Enjoying a superlative
season since rupturing his knee ligaments, JMO (8-0-33-4) has enjoyed
freakish success with the ball in luring most opposition batsmen to his
bakery under the mistaken impression there is something to gorge. There often
isn’t. Here he separated the Bennett Bros by having Elliott (33) smartly caught
by keeper Williams, before scything through the Appleton middle order with a range
of flan only bettered by the Tatte in Boston (famous bakery for the
ill-informed). Alas, that 5-for escaped his clutches once again. One day,
James. One day.
Whisper it quietly, but Hotson and Howarth have
5-fors. At the other end nothing
really happened, or to put that into the right context, nothing happened in
the wickets column, however there was plenty of runs off J Bennett’s (74*) bat
and a drop in the deep by a dozing Shorten. Dave’s slumberous disposition
wasn’t isolated however, mirrored as it was by generally everyone else in a
listless field. A Tour hangover? Mr Vermaak (2.2-0-17-2)
would be thrown the ball during the game’s death throes, bagging our Kolpak
import at least a little cheer from the day, but otherwise there’s nothing
else to report. We lost. Packing up and yearning
after the power showers of Brasenose, we then journeyed to that posh little
hamlet where this story started. Did I tell you all the ladies have fake
tits? ‘Minehead Mourning’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Appleton
CC Played at Appleton, 13 August 2017 Far from the MCC won the toss and
elected to bat Appleton CC won by 4 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none |
17 / 441 40 over match |
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
R. P. Turner |
c Elliott b James |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
1-0 |
|
2 |
C. T. J. Williams † |
b Salmon |
24 |
(32) |
3 |
- |
2-55 |
|
3 |
L. G. Ainsworth |
lbw b Fox |
54 |
(89) |
7 |
- |
3-112 |
|
4 |
I. Howarth |
b Crowe |
23 |
(44) |
- |
1 |
4-118 |
|
5 |
D. Shorten |
c Malliner
b Fox |
5 |
(8) |
1 |
- |
7-121 |
|
6 |
C. J. Vermaak |
b Crowe |
0 |
(1) |
- |
- |
5-118 |
|
7 |
G. J. Timms * |
lbw b Fox |
2 |
(8) |
- |
- |
6-120 |
|
8 |
M. K. Reeves |
b J. Bennett |
19 |
(19) |
3 |
- |
10-148 |
|
9 |
J. D. Hoskins |
b E. Bennett |
0 |
(6) |
- |
- |
8-122 |
|
10 |
M. S. Rundle |
c Salmon b Aldsworth |
6 |
(24) |
1 |
- |
9-148 |
|
11 |
C. D. Roberts |
not out |
0 |
(0) |
- |
- |
- |
|
|
Extras |
NB4, W3, LB3, B5 |
15 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 39.2 overs) |
148 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
|
1 |
Marriott |
8 |
0 |
32 |
1 |
4.00 |
|
|
2 |
Salmon |
8 |
0 |
45 |
1 |
5.63 |
|
|
3 |
Fox |
8 |
0 |
22 |
3 |
2.75 |
|
|
4 |
Crowe |
8 |
3 |
15 |
2 |
1.88 |
|
|
5 |
E. Bennett |
3 |
2 |
1 |
1 |
0.33 |
|
|
6 |
Aldsworth |
3 |
0 |
25 |
1 |
8.33 |
|
|
7 |
J. Bennett |
0.2 |
0 |
0 |
1 |
0.00 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Appleton CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
E. Bennett * |
c Williams b Hoskins |
33 |
|
3 |
- |
1-66 |
|
2 |
J. Bennett |
not out |
74 |
|
10 |
- |
- |
|
3 |
M. Malliner |
c Ainsworth b Hoskins |
1 |
|
- |
- |
2-74 |
|
4 |
W. Gellher |
lbw b Hoskins |
0 |
|
- |
- |
3-74 |
|
5 |
G. Winchester |
b Hoskins |
10 |
|
2 |
- |
4-90 |
|
6 |
S. Fox |
b Vermaak |
10 |
|
2 |
- |
5-123 |
|
7 |
J. Marriott |
b Vermaak |
5 |
|
1 |
- |
6-132 |
|
8 |
R. Gilkes † |
not out |
5 |
|
1 |
- |
- |
|
9 |
T. Crowe |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
10 |
C. Salmon |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
R. Aldsworth |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
W10, LB2, B1 |
13 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 6 wickets, 32.2 overs) |
151 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
|
1 |
Reeves |
5 |
0 |
16 |
0 |
3.20 |
|
|
2 |
Roberts |
6 |
0 |
31 |
0 |
5.17 |
|
|
3 |
Hoskins |
8 |
0 |
33 |
4 |
4.13 |
|
|
4 |
Timms |
8 |
0 |
32 |
0 |
4.00 |
|
|
5 |
Rundle |
3 |
0 |
17 |
0 |
5.67 |
|
|
6 |
Vermaak |
2.2 |
0 |
17 |
2 |
7.29 |
|
|
MOTM: J. D. Hoskins Champagne Moment: I. Howarth’s
pre-meditated slog for six off Tom Crowe Buffet
Award: C. J. Vermaak’s South African
Koeksisters (extra syrup) MAD
Moment: R. P. Turner’s attempt to
head the ball after falling over |
Opposition:
V051 / 23 Ground: G042 / 15 Captain: C022 / 64 Match No: 40 / 133 |