“Me and Geoff (On Tour)”

Match: 17 / 436

Lost by 4 wkts

Team	Total
FFTMCC	95
L. Ainsworth 24, D. Shorten 20*
Stogumber CC	97 - 6
G. Timms 1 - 6

Me and Geoff like a good Tour, there’s nothing better than getting away and getting stuck in with your mates. None of this family bollocks or work malarkey. You get your arse down there, chuck your bags in your hotel room and sod off straight to the bar. No pissing around, just don’t go missing when it’s your fucking round.

The West Country is great. The people down in these parts get Tour, and they like a chuffin’ drink. Prices are kept to a premium and you don’t see all these bloody wine bars overflowing with wankers from the office. None of that down here. Unlike Oxford, they have SKY Sports in most of the pubs, pool tables and darts. They also do solid food, none of that gastro bollocks on fancy plates. These are proper British pubs for proper British people, not bloody restaurants.

Geoff setting his stall out on the right.

First things first when you’re all assembled, pint to hand, who’s playing and who’s putting the real legwork in for getting pissed. For the last few years we’ve used MAD Top Trump cards with a toss of a coin. It’s random as fuck, but most of the guys seem to like it. Right, who’s on board the beer bus then? Turner, Williams, Reevsie, me and… Geoff! Back of the net, sunshine. That’s a decent little team that is, sorted. Reevsie can put his corporate shit to one side and we’ll find out about this virgin, Williams. Pops they call him, brought his nickname with him from that OU Office lot, much like that other wanker Rundle. He seems spot on, but he better chuck a few down him, not fuck around on the sidelines.

Matt’s organised a train ride to the ground. It’s one of them steam ones they keep going in these parts, slow as fuck, proper old school with a buffet wagon on board. Well, that’s the first port of call once on deck, check out what they’re bashing out. Harry’s Cider is £3.50 a bottle, a local brew, we’ll get tucked into that then, lovely.

There’s a bit of a trek to the ground at Stogumber, so plenty of pissing in hedges on route then. I don’t mind a good walk, a bit of fresh air, exercise and all that, only Shorten forgot his cricket tackle, so I’m having to lug mine about for him to use later. That’s what happens when you retire, innit? Your faculties turn to mush and you can’t even do the fucking basics, like remember your own kit. It’s a cricket tour, Dave, so it being that, a c-r-i-c-k-e-t T-o-u-r-r-r-r-r-r… you need a bat, some pads and some ruddy gloves, don’t you? Jesus.

We came here a dozen years ago. Geoff wasn’t playing with us then, he was league and was probably still trying to sell his house. Nothing much has changed, it’s all lovely on top of a hill with views that stretch for miles. The pitch is weird though, slopes off left right and bloody centre, so if you get too twatted before the game, you’ll end up falling on your arse.

Darley’s skipper for the day and I’ve just seen his batting order, he must have had a few on the train, that’s all I can say. He’s got Bullock and Newman opening and then he’s number three. There’s more clout in a bottle of a Kaliber. Anyway, fuck all that, let’s see what the bar’s doing, I’ve heard they’ve got leftover scrumpy from a Wurzells’ gig. Sorted, £1 a pint, help yourself off barrel, don’t mind if we bloody do. I love these kinda clubs, they’ve always got some good old boy manning the bar, topping up your pint and dishing out the stories from eons ago, back to when Great Britain meant just that. Still, we will be great again, as soon as we stop fucking about and see this Article 50 through. There’ll be none of them Spanish fish and chips down by the seafront, no fucking chance, we’re a chuffin’ island for god’s sake, and we’ll fish our own waters as we see fit. Shove that in your trawler, Jean-Claude bloody fish-quota Juncker. Right, let’s see what’s going on outside.

Me and Geoff – the “right” side of the bar.

12 for 6? TWELVE FOR FUCKING SIX??? Is someone pulling my bell end or what? Reevsie, let’s have a look at that bloody scorebook will ya? Bullock 5, Hoskins 4, with Darley, Newman, Hoskins and Rundle all fuck all…. Jesus, if we were a national team then that, right there, would be a national disgrace. Time for a lap of the ground.

Last time we were here, Matt sat on this stile with his camera off to the right. From there he took some really cool photos with players cut in half due to the ground’s contours. I’ve brought my own camera today, so I’ll give it a go, see if I can replicate what he did. Saying that, it was postcard perfect weather in 2005, just look it now… cloudy, sunny, cloudy, sunny, cloudy, sunny… for fuck’s sake, make your bloody mind up! It’s an absolute bollock trying to set this fucker up when the light keeps changing.

Add Timms (3) to the list of the bleeding useless, but looks like our tail is wagging a bit. But it’s not really a tail though is it? It’s a reverse batting order engineered by the lonely brain cell belonging to Andy Darley. He’s an enigma that one. Still, at least he’s made it on Tour this time, about fucking time n’ all.

Pearson’s (17) annus horribilis continues, but at least he wasn’t caught. He probably wished we was though, give him something to carp on about. Maybe it’s PWT, pre-wedding tension, or maybe James really has forgotten what a bloody bat is for?

Oooohhh, good shot! Moo’s (12) just tonked one over our heads into the field behind, give it some umpty fella! If I remember rightly, he did that last time we were here, one-shot pony and all that. Okay, Geoff’s outta beer and Russ is getting well thirsty, so best we jog on back to the clubhouse. Nice to see Williams tucking in, not hanging around on the edges with a bottle of fucking Bud Light. It’s his first MAD Tour, so a day on the piss should sort him right out, get him in the mood for tomorrow.

Moo giving it some umpty.

Reevsie’s just shouted us, we’re all out apparently. We got 95. Crap really, but the last two put 42 on, so can’t complain. Lee got 24 and Shorten smacked 20* at number eleven, a club record. That’s fine, just hope he didn’t break my fucking bat doing it. Saying that, those runs were scored with my bat, so technically that record is mine. Sorted.

Geoff’s having a right good moan about his knees and elbow, breaking apart he is, grumpy ole fucker. I guess we’ll all be getting to his age soon, knackered bodies needing an RAC callout, skipping matches and all that. Just as well we’ve got a few new faces in the team. They’re okay, but it’s a bit like replacing silk with cotton, innit? Okay lads, let’s get out of here and see what’s going on in the big wide world, have a toke and few beers on Hoskins Hill.

Geoff puts Williams through his paces on Hoskins Hill.

Stogumber batsmen exposed to the vagaries of the Hoskins’ flan.

Stoggy haven’t started well here, they’re 42 for 4 after 9. Thing is, they’ve done what we did, fucked about with their batting order to make a game of it. The lads who are out don’t even come up to my bloody kneecaps. Still, bowling against shite gets your bowlers some econ fantasy points and I’ve played my Joker. Sorted.

Now where the fuck’s Geoff gone now? Looks like he’s headed off to get a refill, I might go and do some umping then, get a feel for it. Hotson’s (2-0-6-1) doing okay and bugger me he’s bowled someone! He took a five-for once, back in sepia toned days, then he went shit, got the yips or something, but you can’t take that five-for away from him. Looks like we’re into the Stoggy batsmen now, Rexworthy (33* off 16) has just ripped Captain Clueless another arsehole, tonked him back over his head for a big ‘un. Lovely job.

Geoff getting the fucking beers in.

Who’s on now? Newman? Exacting the last rights I’d say. He can’t do any worse than he did with his batting, oh… wide ball. Tonk, four! And that’s that, Stoggy win by 4 wickets and John’s stellar Tour debut comes to a cosmic end. It consisted of two balls in actuality, one with the bat and one legal one with the ball. Hahaha. Get on the piss, sunshine. Useless twat.

Been a good start to Tour this, a proper day on the lash with a proper local team, and one that likes a drink. Cheap booze n’ all, that’s gotta be the main consideration here.

Looks like the sun’s long since buggered off and Turner says we’re off to the pub now. Fucking right we are, mate. Sorted.

‘Me’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Stogumber CC Played at Stogumber, Minehead, 3 August 2017 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to bat Stogumber CC won by 4 wkts Far from the MCC debuts: none

17 / 436 20 over match

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. Bullock	st J. Jenkins b B. Rexworthy	5	(20)	-	-	4-11
2	J. Newman-Robson	b Webster	0	(1)	-	-	1-1
3	A. Darley *	b Webster	0	(2)	-	-	2-3
4	J. D. Hoskins	c b C. Jenkins	4	(7)	1	-	3-8
5	M. S. Rundle	c J. Jenkins b B. Rexworthy	0	(9)	-	-	6-12
6	J. C. W. Hotson	b B. Rexworthy	0	(3)	-	-	5-11
7	G. J. Timms	c b Lane	3	(8)	-	-	7-29
8	J. W. Pearson	b J. Rexworthy	17	(23)	2	1	8-33
9	L. G. Ainsworth	c b Liddle	24	(27)	3	-	10-95
10	M. T. Westmoreland	c and b Hayes	12	(9)	-	1	9-53
11	D. Shorten †	not out	20	(10)	3	1	-
	Extras	NB2, W6, B2	10
	TOTAL	(all out, 19.3 overs)	95

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Webster	2	1	2	1	1.00
2	Gilbert	2	1	2	0	1.00
3	Jenkins	2	1	6	1	3.00
4	B. Rexworth	2	0	6	3	3.00
5	Hogevold	2	0	12	0	6.00
6	Lane	2	0	7	1	3.50
7	J. Rexworthy	2	0	14	1	7.00
8	Hayes	2	0	9	1	4.50
9	Trunks	2	0	29	0	14.50
10	Liddle	1.3	0	12	1	8.00

Team	Stogumber CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	T. Gilbert	c Ainsworth b Pearson	7		1	-	1-11
2	B. Rexworthy	c Ainsworth b Timms	15		3	-	2-22
3	E. Trunks	st Shorten b Bullock	8		1	-	4-38
4	C. Jenkins	c Shorten b Hoskins	1		-	-	3-26
5	J. Jenkins †	b Hotson	5		1	-	5-51
6	S. Hogevold	not out	18		3	-	-
7	A. Webster	b Ainsworth	1		-	-	6-57
8	J. Rexworthy	not out	33		5	1	-
9	E. Hayes *
10	H. Liddle
11	N. Lane
	Extras	W5, B3	8
	TOTAL	(for 6 wickets, 17.1 overs)	96

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Westmoreland	2	1	11	0	5.50
2	Pearson	2	0	7	1	3.50
3	Timms	2	1	6	1	3.00
4	Hoskins	2	0	6	1	3.00
5	Bullock	2	0	10	1	5.00
6	Hotson	2	0	6	1	3.00
7	Rundle	2	0	12	0	6.00
8	Ainsworth	2	0	14	1	7.00
9	Darley	1	0	12	0	12.00
10	Newman-Robson	0.1	0	5	0	30.00

MOTM: L. G. Ainsworth Champagne Moment: L. G. Ainsworth’s running catch on the boundary Buffet Award: J. Newman-Robson’s raw kale tabbouleh with fried halloumi MAD Moment: n/a

Opposition: V031 / 04 Ground: G022 / 04 Captain: C027 / 01 Match No: 20 / 108