“Of Bin Bags and Blockers”

Match: 17 / 432

Lost by 15 runs

Team	Total
Appleton CC	114 - 8
L. Ainsworth 2 - 22, D. Shorten 2 - 23
FFTMCC	99 - 9
C. Williams 37*, C. Vermaak 18

By opening the Brasenose pavilion for the Far from the MCC, Groundsman Dan was welcoming a second bunch of dirty, smelly alcoholics, just days after a group of travellers were evicted. Kitted out in crumpled T-shirts, ripped jeans, off colour shorts and fuckered flip-flops, our dishevelled heroes quaffed back cheap tinnies whilst ruminating on the team sheet. “How come you’re here, JMO?” enquired the team. “Because Lego told me someone had dropped out, that’s why.” “Really? Well there are eleven of us here now and our skipper is yet to arrive?” replied the team. “Then maybe he’s dropped himself again?”

JMO … out the loop and out the team.

Arriving fashionably late to decode the confusion, Captain Shorten only added to the turmoil by borrowing someone’s fingers to add to twelve. “By golly, there are indeed a dozen of us! I must have mistaken the Matt Reading who couldn’t play and wasn’t down to play with the Matt Bullock who could play and was down to play. Well… Appleton are short, so JMO, you can bugger off and play for them. Problem sorted.”

Notwithstanding James’ 90 mile round trip for The MAD cause, he was bowled by his skipper (4-0-23-2) third ball following W Geller’s platinum. He spent the remainder of the Appleton innings hanging effigies of Shorten in the trees and complaining bitterly about not facing Howarth (3-2-9-1). Alas, we will never know the outcome of that particular duel, but one suspects the regret was mutual.

An innings of 114-8 was inspired by G Alder’s chancy slog of 37 and M Glover’s stylistically compiled 29*. Theirs’ were the spikes in an otherwise forgettable display with most The MAD bowlers getting something out the pitch, other than Reeves (2-0-20-1) who was fed to Alder. Pearson (2-0-6-0) was cheap in his economics, Ainsworth (3-0-22-2) caught his own bowling, whilst Timms (3-0-12-1) was nigh unplayable (especially if you watched him throwing pasty at Alder). It all left Williams (3-0-23-0) to come back at the death, get flogged about and watch his boundary fielders perform like drunken seals. Welcome to The MAD, Chris.

C. T. J. Williams – The MAD’s marquee summer signing.

The MAD run chase was fuelled by some rubbish from the aforementioned Alder (3-0-28-0), and despite Westmoreland’s (3) shaky demise, Williams was able to retire in the 6th over with the score on 45-1. A fine innings from a fine player fully justifying Howarth’s six year chase of his signature, and Mr Reeves’ thankless contractual negotiations with the Universities. More of the same please ‘Pops’.

Despite retiring from T20 cricket, Ainsworth (14) would then bat with his usual degree of urgency before things slowed a little, stuttered and then came to a grinding fucking halt against the bat of Mr Rundle. With the tabloids liking our menfolk to “champagne cricketers” and damning England’s failures against South Africa, Psycho (4 off 15 balls) decided the second half of The MAD innings was the perfect time to block a few full bungers, play back a maiden and show some of that steely resolve. The only highlight to an otherwise tortuous innings of unparalleled absurdity was a rare show of intent that smashed into the shins of Hoskins at mid on. Oh, the mirth and laughter!

In the background, someone finds something really fucking amusing…?

With the overs slipping by our heroes now began falling on their swords. Bullock (6) gave it the handle, Vermaak (18) hit one into Port Elizabeth, Reeves (4) was mesmeric viewing and Pearson (1) for once avoided being caught. He did however forget about the three wooden uprights minding their business behind those “fucking pads”.

How had it come to this? Shorten and Howarth at the crease and 22 runs required for victory off the final over. Let’s get with the action….

19.1 Fox drops it short to Shorten who moos it to deep square. FOUR.

19.2 Fox pitches one up and Shorten (5) miscues some horrible hoik to mid wicket. Howarth calls him through and sentences his captain to death. OUT.

G Timms strides purposely to the non-strikers end in the unaccustomed role of being Tall Bob (number 11). A redundant and utterly pointless conversation is had with Ian about the need to “fucking hit the thing”.

19.3 Fox serves up a juicy full toss that Howarth (1*) elects to pump down the ground, and therefore no pressure on Gary to hit the 17 required off the 3 legal deliveries remaining. SINGLE.

19.4 Fox flights one up that Bob Timms tries slog sweeping in the Thames. He doesn’t, but does bag a golden. OUT.

Howarth now conducts an interview out in the middle with the returning Williams, suggesting they play for their averages unless the ball is a no ball, which is isn’t.

19.5 Fox pitches one up and Williams plays it out with the equanimity one would associate with assured class and distinction. He is applauded by Agent Howarth and given a sagely nod of the head. DOT.

19.6 Fox drifts one to leg and Williams (37* off 24 balls) glides it to deep square. Howarth meanders pompously through to the other end. SINGLE.

An anticlimactic end to an unfascinating match where half the team got to choose their own batting positions thus rendering the job of skipper as obsolete. On a positive spin and with Hussain’s fingers aimed squarely at the player’s balcony, The MAD’s two latest recruits scored over half the team’s runs to thoroughly justify their inclusion and salary. It should also be pointed out that in his capacity of Club Beancounter and with two fingers aimed squarely at the BBC’s balcony, the untransparent and wholly dishonest Mr Reeves will not be releasing MAD wages to the public eye.

Finally, this author leaves you a photograph and memento from the match. Study it closely and you can definitely see one of the twelve original disciples of Jesus Christ…?

‘Avg Prot’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Appleton CC Played at Brasenose College, 19 July 2017 Appleton CC won the toss and elected to bat Appleton CC won by 15 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

17 / 432 20 over match

Team	Appleton CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	W. Gellher	b Shorten	0		-	-	1-0
2	S. Fox	c Rundle b Reeves	8		1	-	4-28
3	J. D. Hoskins	b Shorten	2		-	-	2-3
4	M. Bungay	b Howarth	9		2	-	3-19
5	G. Alder	b Timms	37		5	1	6-79
6	N. Lamgaade	c and b Ainsworth	3		-	-	5-57
7	M. Reed	c and b Ainsworth	12		1	1	7-84
8	M. Glover	not out	29		2	1	-
9	H. Blomerus *	run out (Shorten)	9		-	-	8-114
10	R. Gilkes †
11	T. Crowe
	Extras	NB2, W2, B1	5
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 20 overs)	114

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Shorten	4	0	23	2	5.75
2	Howarth	3	2	9	1	3.00
3	Pearson	2	0	6	0	3.00
4	Reeves	2	0	20	1	10.00
5	Williams	3	0	23	0	7.67
6	Ainsworth	3	0	22	2	7.33
7	Timms	3	0	12	1	4.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	M. T. Westmoreland	c Bungay b Reed	3	(12)	-	-	1-32
2	C. T. J. Williams	not out	37	(25)	6	-	-
3	L. G. Ainsworth	c Blomerus b Fox	14	(22)	2	-	2-60
4	M. Bullock †	b Lamgaade	6	(12)	1	-	3-65
5	M. S. Rundle	c and b Lamgaade	3	(15)	-	-	4-80
6	C. J. Vermaak	run out	18	(23)	1	1	5-86
7	M. K. Reeves	c and b Lamgaade	4	(3)	1	-	7-93
8	J. W. Pearson	b Crowe	1	(7)	-	-	6-92
9	D. Shorten *	run out	5	(4)	1	-	8-97
10	I. Howarth	not out	1	(1)	-	-	-
11	G. J. Timms	b Fox	0	(1)	-	-	9-98
	Extras	NB5, W2	7
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 10 overs)	99

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Reed	3	1	17	1	5.67
2	Alder	3	0	28	0	9.33
3	Crowe	4	0	16	1	4.00
4	Fox	4	0	13	2	3.25
5	Lamgaade	3	0	17	3	5.67
6	Bungay	3	1	8	0	2.67
Note: C. T. J. Williams retired at 45-1 (6.0 overs) and returned at 98-9 (19.4 overs)

MOTM: C. T. J. Williams Champagne Moment: M. S. Rundle’s catch at mid off whilst swearing inwardly Buffet Award: M. K. Reeves’ apricot mustard-glazed salmon with arugula MAD Moment: M. S. Rundle’s catch at mid off whilst swearing inwardly

Opposition: V079 / 04 Ground: G071 / 04 Captain: C021 / 08 Match No: 20 / 105