“Pre-Election Showdown”
Match: 17
/ 420
Lost
by 1 run
|
Team |
Total |
|
Isis CC |
100 - 6 |
|
T. Smith 2 - 20 |
|
|
|
|
|
FFTMCC |
99 |
|
G. Timms 32*, J. Hotson
26 |
|
|
The final day of the election
campaign, and Jeremy Cornedbeef, out and about in
Birmingham, a city with a large Muslim population and large number of
marginal seats, again faced a tough press grilling on whether he would speak
to or may have already spoken to terrorists: “Yes, I did talk to
certain members of the IRA. They were a very strong Hurling team. We won the
Good Friday Agreement in a closely contested final. And yes, I would be
prepared to talk to ISIS. After all, they are just an amateur cricket team,
and I’ve been growing googlies in my allotment. The only way forward is by
talking to – um, ‘sledding’ them.”
Howarth scores under cover of table. Meanwhile, at the Top
Pavilion, Raqqa, Ian Howard arrived with a key supplied by the council
assistant in the niqab with the beautiful eyes. It opened some of the doors,
including one changing room, but no cricket scoreboard or stumps could be
found. He returned to the council
office, established the woman was probably married, mentally removed the
niqab to reveal the most stunning face, and almost forgot to return with a
second key that opened the other changing room but yielded no further
sporting apparatus. Theresa Maybe had chosen
to visit the make-or-break Basildon constituency where she spoke to a packed
press tent: “Jeremy Cornedbeef is soft on
terrorists, but I am strong and stable. That’s why I’ve just come from an
emergency COBRA meeting; and because I have intelligence that ISIS are a
cricket team, I’ve ordered that all sports equipment be removed from all
council premises with immediate effect. MI5 have intelligence that my strong
and stable action could have just foiled a game in Oxford.”
Stimulating conditions in Raqqa. But in Raqqa, North
Oxfordshire, an illicit supply of stumps and bails had been obtained; and
though a whiteboard could have effected a
scoreboard, all pens had been seized by Border Control, rendering it more a
white elephant. But a scoreboard is a luxury and the skirmish began without. Having recently
travelled to Iran, J. Hoskins (4-0-14-0) was the obvious choice to open the
hand-grenade attack, and with guile and accuracy was unlucky not to pick up a
scalp to assert his position as favourite on Betfair to be the next Prime
Minister. At the other end, C. Roberts
(4-0-17-1), contemplating a trip to the Himalayas, was less accurate but more
economical than in his previous sortie on the open plain. Back in his home city of
Liverpool, Paul Nutjob was finishing a speech attempting to stem the
vanishing tide of support: “We need to put a stop to foreign cricketers
stealing places from English players in our English teams. And that’s why you
should vote for me, here in Liverpool.” “But you’re standing in
Skegness,” a reporter pointed out. “Erm, yeah, right, but
I’m standing everywhere, me, mate.
Because I am everywhere, mate. I’ve been everywhere and beyond. I’ve
been a victim in all those bombings, I’ve had friends and family killed. In
fact, I’m so omnipresent some people are calling me the new Messiah, and I
say ‘Yeah, okay.’ And because of that, I know exactly what we need to do: we
need to kick the living shits out of ISIS.”
Meanwhile in Raqqa,
first change saw T. Smith (4-0-20-2), fully kitted out in combats and
knuckle-dusters, and M. Reeves (4-0-16-1), sporting an LSE tie, maintain the
embargo militarily and financially. The final duo of M. Bullock (2-0-16-1),
with beer goggles, and I. Howarth (2-0-11-0), still goggle-eyed, were only
slightly more expensive as the batters realized they really needed more runs
on the non-existent scoreboard. Donald Trumpfart tweeted: “MAD giving ISIS 100 ALL OUT kinking
they deserve #covfefe” [sic]. First over the top for
Far from the Military Command Centre were R. Turner, armed with just a
baseball bat, and J. Hotson, in full 14th century chainmail. After Turner (9)
fell early, G. Timms, with a katana, joined the affray, and with Hotson put
on a swashbuckling sword display taking the unknown score to 54 after 9
overs. At the same time, Tim Fargone was in the new stag and hen capital of Taunton,
canvassing the pre-nuptial vote. “We need to be smoking the pipe of peace. On
the battlefields or at weddings, it brings people together. Some religions
ban alcohol, some ban cannabis. But it’s completely inconsits…
it’s wrong to say ‘you can have this drug but not the other.’ For a coherent cosehi…
for society’s sake we need to free the weed.” In Raqqa, Hotson (26)
trod on a land mine and Lieutenant Colonel J. Pearson (1)’s bulletproof vest
was equally useless against the same fate. However, Bullock was equipped with
blast-boots and able to continue the assault with Timms until a light drizzle
threatened to curtail the day’s proceedings. Caroline Lucozade was
campaigning in Bristol where her party hoped to pick up a second seat.
Quizzed about ISIS, she said: “We live in a global village. We need to listen
to their voices too – and they’ve got some wily old bowlers. But I will say
this: we’ve got a major cricket tournament taking place at the moment and
more than half the games have been rained off – in June! If that’s not clear evidence that global
warming is affecting our climate then I don’t know what is. Some of my
Australian friends have been phoning me asking when we’re going to do
something about it.” The emphasis in Raqqa,
as Timms retired for a refreshment break, was to advance upon the target as
quickly as possible before the weather turned. But, perhaps due to budget cuts, the
remaining men were ill-equipped, and lacked training in running with even
what little they had. Howarth (5), Bullock (10), Smith (0), Hoskins (4), Roberts
(0), Reeves (6) and G. Carter (0) all succumbed within a matter of minutes,
leaving Timms (32*), barely having finished his supper, stranded, a lone
soldier, unable to go it alone.
An hour later, Howard
was still puzzling over the scorebook. “I’ve added this up three times, and
every time we got 100, which means it was a tie.” The pips went. “BBC
Radio 4. The news at Ten O’clock. ISIS have taken Raqqa….” “Leg-byes, hon,” his
wife said reassuringly. “Yeah, you’re right;
I’ll just deduct a leg-bye. No-one will ever know.” Thirty hours later,
David Dumbledore’s now monthly seven-hour Election Night shift was drawing to
a close. “If you’re just joining us, you’ll have to forgive me, we’ve lost
our scoreboard. There’s been a power surge, I’m told. What I can tell you is
that, we’re predicting that, um, the Conservationists have… Oh, hang on, I’ve
missed a boundary. No, they’re short by, um, one seat, we think. Is that right?” * - With sympathies and condolences to all that have
suffered through wars, terrorist or otherwise, that humanity has stupidly
waged upon itself. ‘H-H-Hebbes’
|
*
Statto Scorecards
|
Far from the MCC versus Isis
CC Played at Cutteslowe Park, 7 June
2017 Far from the MCC won the toss and
elected to field Isis CC won by 1 run Far from the MCC debuts: none |
17 / 420 20 over match |
|
Team |
Isis CC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
D. Penhallurick |
retired |
31 |
|
3 |
- |
- |
|
2 |
R. Kella |
b Roberts |
11 |
|
1 |
- |
1-33 |
|
3 |
P. Wiblin |
b Reeves |
17 |
|
1 |
- |
4-72 |
|
4 |
A. Bevan |
b Smith |
1 |
|
- |
- |
2-60 |
|
5 |
E. Hyde |
lbw b Smith |
0 |
|
- |
- |
3-60 |
|
6 |
P. Jacobs † |
st Carter b Bullock |
14 |
|
1 |
- |
5-96 |
|
7 |
N. H. R. Wyatt * |
run out (Hoskins/Howarth) |
18 |
|
1 |
- |
6-97 |
|
8 |
J. Walter |
not out |
2 |
|
- |
- |
- |
|
9 |
A. East |
not out |
1 |
|
- |
- |
- |
|
10 |
M. Stanbury |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
11 |
K. H. Whiter |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Extras |
W4, LB1 |
5 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(for 6 wickets, 20 overs) |
100 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
|
1 |
Hoskins |
4 |
0 |
14 |
0 |
3.50 |
|
|
2 |
Roberts |
4 |
0 |
17 |
1 |
4.25 |
|
|
3 |
Smith |
4 |
0 |
20 |
2 |
5.00 |
|
|
4 |
Reeves |
4 |
0 |
16 |
1 |
4.00 |
|
|
5 |
Bullock |
2 |
0 |
16 |
1 |
8.00 |
|
|
6 |
Howarth |
2 |
0 |
11 |
0 |
5.50 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Team |
Far from the MCC |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Batsman |
How Out |
Total |
Balls |
4s |
6s |
FOW |
|
1 |
R. P. Turner |
c Wyatt b Stanbury |
9 |
(19) |
1 |
- |
1-19 |
|
2 |
J. C. W. Hotson |
c Stanbury b Walter |
26 |
(26) |
4 |
- |
2-56 |
|
3 |
G. J. Timms |
not out |
32 |
(29) |
3 |
- |
- |
|
4 |
J. W. Pearson * |
c and b East |
1 |
(3) |
- |
- |
3-60 |
|
5 |
M. Bullock |
run out |
10 |
(12) |
1 |
- |
5-86 |
|
6 |
I. Howarth |
st Jacobs b Wyatt |
5 |
(3) |
1 |
- |
4-86 |
|
7 |
T. P. W. Smith |
b Walter |
0 |
(3) |
- |
- |
6-86 |
|
8 |
M. K. Reeves |
run out |
6 |
(5) |
1 |
- |
9-98 |
|
9 |
J. D. Hoskins |
st Jacobs b Walter |
4 |
(1) |
1 |
- |
7-91 |
|
10 |
C. D. Roberts |
c Bevan b Wyatt |
0 |
(6) |
- |
- |
8-93 |
|
11 |
G. Carter † |
lbw b Wyatt |
0 |
(7) |
- |
- |
10-99 |
|
|
Extras |
NB1, W3, B2 |
6 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
TOTAL |
(all out, 18.5 overs) |
99 |
|
|
|
|
|
# |
Bowler |
Overs |
Maidens |
Runs |
Wkts |
Econ |
|
|
1 |
Whiter |
4 |
1 |
15 |
0 |
3.75 |
|
|
2 |
Stanbury |
4 |
0 |
27 |
1 |
6.75 |
|
|
3 |
East |
3 |
0 |
17 |
1 |
5.67 |
|
|
4 |
Walter |
4 |
0 |
24 |
3 |
6.00 |
|
|
5 |
Wyatt |
3.5 |
0 |
12 |
3 |
3.43 |
|
|
MOTM: J. C. W. Hotson Champagne Moment: J. C. W. Hotson square
drive for four Buffet
Award: M. Bullock’s whitebait and
dill mayo (salad side) MAD
Moment: n/a |
Opposition:
V009 / 27 Ground: G001 / 33 Captain: C021 / 06 Match No: 20 / 099 |