“Here I Sit Amongst Some Shit”

Match: 18 / 449

Lost by 14 runs

Team	Total
St Clements Strollers	122 - 8
J. Pearson 3 - 10, M. Rundle 2 - 17
FFTMCC	104 - 9
C. Williams 46*, C. Roberts 8

Sunningwell is a leafy civil parish about a stone’s throw south of Oxford and looked upon by the real estate of one David Shorten. David acquired his land at an auction some many years ago, outbidding a xenophobic pair of lawyers from Zimbabwe, who threatened to tear down his new house and feed his daughter to their pet wildebeest.

David is also the captain of the Far from the MCC’s midweek sloggers, a disparate bunch of middle aged men whose allegiance knows no bounds, particularly if they’re mailed in advance to inform them where they’re actually playing. Originally slated for Magdalen College, the venue shifted to no college in particular, then to Wootton & Boars Hill, then somewhere else and finally to this village some seven miles from the location where Chris Williams drove to.

Sunningwell CC before midnight.

An advantage of owning a vast acreage is the prestige of circumnavigating actually playing in favour of managing your own team. In circumstances such as these, you simply call on your lacky to step up to plate and do your bidding (in this instance Wing Commander James Pearson).

The ground of Sunningwell is nestled between some hills and surrounded by towering trees, and for an evening T20 it is paramount to start the game on time before the sun goes down. It is certainly not decorum to fanny about drinking cans of beer, hobnob with the locals and await the six-hour commute of Mr C. T. J. Williams as he trawls through Oxford’s woefully overcrowded transport network. Also, and way more paramount than Paramount Pictures, is winning the toss. James.

Opting to bat in the light, St Clements extended the duration of their innings by hitting Bob Roberts (3-0-33-0) into a multitude of hedgerows, allotments and floral displays. Their swashbuckling progress was checked firstly by the innocuous trundling of Rundle (4-1-17-2) and then by the shuffling rubbish of Howarth (4-0-19-1), Webster judging a fine catch on the boundary after awaking from his slumber on a park bench.

Carter wanders off looking for his care home.

Runs continued to flow as Timms (4-1-20-1) coughed up a record breaking caught and bowled (has four thus far already, but needs five), but then stalled as Brigadier Pearson (3-0-10-3) emulated Rundle in taking wickets bowling stuff that can’t ever be bracketed as ever being any good. And maybe that is the point, with the batsman befuddled into thinking this shite is actually worse than it actually is. Or something like that.

The Clems total of 122-8 was topped out with CAMRA executive M Bullock (2-0-20-0) not quite overshadowing the banquet of Roberts earlier in the day.

With the opportunity of pulling back some time with a quick changeround, both teams settled back into pleasant banter and the quaffing of further ale. Suitably murky and almost impossible to see the other end of the ground, the visitors now began their reply.

Showing no ill-effects following his commuting odyssey, Williams (46* off 30 balls) perfected the use of his night goggles by unfurling several punishing blows. His champagne six over the head of J Finch (4-1-16-3) being the standout, although nobody picked it up.

“I hit the fucker down there somewhere.”

At the other end a shower of shit was firstly orchestrated by Carter (7 off about 100 balls), Mellor (fuck all off not many), Hotson (5 including some magnificent drives straight to fielders) and a fourth consecutive first match duck of the season from Webster, whose beguiling innings without substance was elevated to the pantheon of truly horrendous by being golden in hue.

Photographing the shambles from afar, Howarth sneaked under trees and bushes as he circled the boundary, only stopping the once for a worm eye view, but choosing to squat in dog shit as opposed to dry blades of grass. Thankfully a store of detergent lay back at the pavilion.

With the stars now twinkling, the baton of ineptitude was now taken up by Bullock (4), Timms (6) and Roberts (8), with the latter’s innings memorable for a cover driven boundary which was instantly forgotten when it came to a post match vote.

Mellor looking the goods on his way to scoring nothing.

In the chastening gloom or perpetual darkness (depending on your particular bent), what better time to bring on your erratic quick. A breathtakingly assured decision from the School of Davey Warner. Step forth O Ward (3-0-21-2) whose delightful assortment of express yorkers, beamers and full tosses soon did for Trundle (first ball) and the stench of Howarth (4), though thankfully (or perhaps not), both left the field with their heads and teeth intact.

Given that streetlights and car headlamps were the only source of light by close of play, one can only guess who was out in the middle, so guessing it appeared like Pearson remaining unbeaten on 4 with a returning Williams doing something also (post retirement).

108 all out and that’s all she wrote, though since the author of this glowing endorsement of cricket unseen is male, that’s all he wrote. Other than the bit about The MAD losing by 14 runs.

‘Turd Dweller’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus St Clements Strollers Played at Sunningwell CC, 23 May 2018 St Clements Strollers won the toss and elected to bat St Clements Strollers won by 14 runs Far from the MCC debuts: none

18 / 449 20 over match

Team	St Clements Strollers
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	O. Ward	b Rundle	28		5	-	1-52
2	B. Andre	retired	40		8	-	-
3	G. D. Silva	b Rundle	1		-	-	2-58
4	D. Savin †	c Webster b Howarth	0		-	-	3-59
5	K. Nawaz	b Timms	2		-	-	4-75
6	J. Barriesi	not out	26		2	-	-
7	A. Rochester	c Mellor b Pearson	11		1	-	5-92
8	R. Finch	c Howarth b Pearson	1		-	-	6-94
9	J. Jenkins	b Pearson	2		-	-	7-113
10	P. Harte	run out (Howarth/Bullock)	2		-	-	8-119
11	N. J. Warry *	not out	0		-	-	-
	Extras	W5, LB4	9
	TOTAL	(for 8 wickets, 20 overs)	122

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Roberts	3	0	33	0	11.00
2	Rundle	4	1	17	2	4.25
3	Howarth	4	0	19	1	4.75
4	Timms	4	1	20	1	5.00
5	Pearson	3	0	10	3	3.33
6	Bullock	2	0	20	0	10.00

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	G. Carter	run out (Nawaz)	7	(17)	1	-	1-38
2	C. T. J. Williams	not out	46	(30)	7	1	-
3	P. A. S. Mellor	b Warry	0	(5)	-	-	2-42
4	J. C. W. Hotson †	b Finch	5	(18)	-	-	3-61
5	J. vdG. Webster	b Finch	0	(1)	-	-	4-61
6	M. Bullock	b Finch	4	(9)	1	-	5-69
7	G. J. Timms	c Silva b Barriesi	6	(17)	-	-	7-93
8	I. Howarth	b Ward	4	(10)	-	-	6-85
9	C. D. Roberts	b Jenkins	8	(8)	1	-	9-102
10	M. S. Rundle	b Ward	0	(1)	-	-	8-94
11	J. W. Pearson *	not out	4	(6)	1	-	-
	Extras	NB2, W15, LB1, B6	24
	TOTAL	(for 9 wickets, 20 overs)	108

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Jenkins	4	1	21	1	5.25
2	Nawaz	2	0	24	0	12.00
3	Warry	4	1	11	1	2.75
4	Finch	4	1	16	3	4.00
5	Barriesi	3	0	8	1	2.67
6	Ward	3	0	21	2	7.00
Note: C. T. J. Williams retired on 40-1 (11.2 overs) and returned at 19.2 overs

MOTM: C. T. J. Williams Champagne Moment: C. T. J. Williams straight six Buffet Award: C. D. Roberts’ overdone brisket with generous chips (veg sides) MAD Moment: P. A. S. Mellor taking J. W. Pearson out in the field (collision)

Opposition: V052 / 08 Ground: G091 / 01 Captain: C021 / 08 Match No: 20 / 112