“Dear Joe”

Match: 18 / 450

Lost by 3 runs

Team	Total
Isis CC	134 - 4
J. Hoskins 2 - 18
FFTMCC	131
C. Williams 61, J. Cartwright 26

Before the post mortem is carried out into what can only be described as a total Bank Holiday shambles, let me start by expressing a warm welcome to the club for Joseph Albert Cartwright (age and personal details unknown). Joe (nickname to be established) emanated an affable and jovial personality on Sunday, instantly ingratiating himself with his new team mates. These ticks to his name were further embellished by a patience, dedication and a fuller appreciation of the game. It is sad to relate that these credentials were sadly lacking from nine of the other ten participants (more on that later). I hope you enjoyed your day Mr Cartwright, because I think you experienced all the classic ingredients of a true MAD match. Starting out the day with a drink a laugh and a jolly good moan, there is hope and some success, then another drink, some more moaning, a collapse, disillusionment, an inquest, bickering, recriminations and then fines. Neatly bookended with a further drink and an excellent moan.

This would not be Mr Timms’ finest day.

Now onto the match, where if the weathermen were to be believed, we would all have been sporting angling boots whilst sheltering from apocalyptic thunderstorms and biblical downpours. As it was, the sun shone throughout a glorious afternoon as the organisers of the Common People festival (South Parks) counted the cost of scaremongering and pathetic ticket sales.

Winning the toss and perhaps curious of a pitch exposed to some rain in the previous week, an addled Mr Timms inserted Isis CC into bat and was instantly rewarded by Newman-Robson (7-2-17-1) snaring Penhallurick in the first over (caught behind). A true cricketing dismissal if ever there was one, the portents were good.

This wicket was followed up by some miserly wides from Shorten (7-0-18-0) and a first MAD wicket for Bodleian Superguest, S. G. Ackland (7-0-40-1), whose figures were ruined in his final over. Hoskins (7-0-18-2) was as ever wily and on the money, with his standout pie the one that lured J. Ponsford (4) into an injudicious hoik (bowled). Timms (7-0-36-0) also bowled some balls.

A final Isis total of 134-4 was indebted to O. Walters’ studious 63 not out and Howarth’s inability to hold on to a sitter so regulation that it defied logic to actually drop it. There were other spillages of course, Williams’ expletive riddled effort in the covers and Cartwright demonstrating he too can give his hands a good coating of butter if required (a requisite of club membership). The considered opinion was that the final total shouldn’t have been any more than 120, but the target was still well below par anyway, at least according to those aloof enough to vocalise their considered opinion at the interval (Howarth again).

This would not be Mr Howarth’s finest day either.

The tea interval allowed players to avail themselves of an open bar and then sit outside to absorb the sun’s rays whilst listening to the strains of James (band) originating from the ill-fated festival. Discussions centred on a lost club bat thought marooned at Sunningwell and why weathermen/women are allowed to publicise total bullshit at the slightest given opportunity. Michael Fish has much to answer for….

This “below par” target appeared exactly that during the early exchanges of the reply, with Mr Williams’ (61) finally recording his first MAD fifty ably supported by a concussion recovered Turner (14). At this point in the day all was well with the world and the team relaxed into some more beer and derisory putdowns concerning the “below strength” opposition.

So, what have we learnt over the years?

Well, given the next sixty minutes’ worth of cricket, one would have to conclude that it can’t amount to very fucking much. Let’s take debutant Joe Cartwright out of the equation here, for being unencumbered with MAD disasters of yore, he calmly batted his way through over fifty deliveries for 26 and did his utmost to hold an innings together despite the bedlam at the other end. Let’s instead concentrate on… the bedlam at the other end….

Product of the The MAD youth academy, J. A. Cartwright.

Last weekend Howarth and Shorten were lauded for “finally learning to only try and blast the bad balls into the stratosphere” in bringing “the team home”. This week they were both caught after blasting the ball into the stratosphere and compared to a pair of cocks. At least Dave (12) can say he had a few sighters, whereas Howarth (golden) elected in his infinite wisdom to try and deposit Whiter (7-0-36-3) in the Thames first ball.

With Emerson (3) scooping a dolly back to the aforementioned Whiter, now was the perfect time for Williams to showcase his maturity by dancing down the wicket and hitting Alan East into the Head of the River (pub). This he didn’t do and continued his dance back to the pavilion sans a smile.

Even at this particular stage of a particularly worrying implosion of particular comical proportions, The MAD still only needed a further 20 odd runs from a surfeit of overs to get over the line. Isis’ Mr Wyatt had noted earlier that The MAD “bat quite deep”, however this depth of batting could simply have been a measure of shit.

Timms (3) was next to go by attempting to slog sweep one on to the Abingdon Road, Hotson (7) followed with the kind of timing you get from a shagged sparkplug, Hoskins (duck) tried to get out without “feeling any pressure”, then did so, leaving Newman-Robson (2) centre stage to forego hitting the winning runs in favour of heaving across the line (bowled) to old Keith Ponsford.

Finally, our hero, Mr Newman-Robson….

This utterly ridiculous collapse encompassed everything this team stands for unfortunately, and at its conclusion, one couldn’t help but notice the distended jaws of Cartwright and Ackland (2 not out).

Welcome to The MAD, boys. Our four hundred and fiftieth game having learnt absolutely nothing.

‘Isis 1-0 Idiots’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Isis CC Played at Queens College, 27 May 2018 Far from the MCC won the toss and elected to field Isis CC won by 3 runs Far from the MCC debuts: Joseph Albert Cartwright (146)

18 / 450 35 over match

Team	Isis CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	O. Walter	not out	63		2	-	-
2	D. Penhallurick	c Hotson b Newman-Robson	0		-	-	1-0
3	R. Kella	b Ackland	9		-	-	2-26
4	P. Jacobs †	lbw b Hoskins	12		-	-	3-56
5	J. Ponsford	b Hoskins	4		-	-	4-62
6	D. Valsan	not out	38		6	-	-
7	N. H. R. Wyatt *
8	K. H. Whiter
9	A. East
10	K. Malcolm
11	K. Ponsford
	Extras	W5, LB2, B1	8
	TOTAL	(for 4 wickets, 35 overs)	134

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Newman-Robson	7	2	17	1	2.43
2	Shorten	7	0	28	0	4.00
3	Ackland	7	0	40	1	5.71
4	Hoskins	7	0	18	2	2.57
5	Timms	7	0	36	0	5.14

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. P. Turner	c Kella b Wyatt	14	(30)	1	-	1-45
2	C. T. J. Williams	st Jacobs b East	61	(56)	7	-	4-89
3	D. Emerson	c and b Whiter	3	(12)	-	-	2-52
4	I. Howarth	c Walter b Whiter	0	(1)	-	-	3-52
5	J. A. Cartwright	c Jacobs b J. Ponsford	26	(61)	3	-	7-123
6	D. Shorten	c Valsan b Wyatt	12	(8)	2	-	5-107
7	G. J. Timms *	c Jacobs b Malcolm	3	(6)	-	-	6-114
8	J. C. W. Hotson †	b Whiter	7	(18)	-	-	9-129
9	J. D. Hoskins	c Jacobs b J. Ponsford	0	(3)	-	-	8-123
10	J. Newman-Robson	b K. Ponsford	2	(9)	-	-	10-131
11	S. G. Ackland	not out	2	(1)	-	-	-
	Extras	W1	1
	TOTAL	(all out, 34.1 overs)	131

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	J. Ponsford	7	4	15	2	2.14
2	K. Ponsford	5.1	0	21	1	4.06
3	Whiter	7	0	36	3	5.14
4	Wyatt	7	0	24	2	3.43
5	East	4	1	17	1	4.25
6	Malcolm	4	0	19	1	4.75

MOTM: C. T. J. Williams Champagne Moment: J. Newman-Robson’s wicket caught behind Buffet Award: S. G. Ackland’s one-pan egg and veg brunch MAD Moment: n/a

Opposition: V009 / 31 Ground: G008 / 15 Captain: C022 / 69 Match No: 35 / 158