“The Longest Tea-Break”

Match: 19 / 507

Lost by 29 runs

Team	Total
Astons CC	191 - 3
D. Shorten 1 - 25
FFTMCC	162
C. Williams 83, J. Pearson 30

August 25, 2019 will long be remembered as the day that Ben Stokes rescued the Ashes and in doing so produced one of the finest displays of batting heroism this side of Brendon Barrie McCullum’s 54 ball test century. It certainly won’t be remembered for the efforts of nine, nay ten of the eleven batsmen who played for the FFTMCC on this date.

It was a gloriously hot summer’s day, the type you associate with your youth when every day was bright and sunny, and rain or snow never existed. Those were the days, the good old days. One remembers being useful in those days, striding to the wicket at Pembroke and smashing the ball everywhere without a want or care in the world. The sky was the limit. Now trying to get off the mark is the limit.

One also remembers our formative skipper, Mr Westmoreland hidden under his floppy blue sunhat, wandering out to the middle to flick a coin. He always came back smiling and always gestured to us all that we were batting first. Those were the days, settling back to chin a beer or seven and watching the lads batter up 200 plus.

The good (and bad) ole days.

Nowadays we never win a toss, and our incumbent skipper Mr Timms is undergoing psychological counselling in dealing with the backlash from his exasperated teammates. Today was 32 degrees and way way too hot to be entertaining running about and bowling, but that we did, with two separate drinks breaks, as the match slowed down as the overs ebbed by, to a point where nothing happened. Everyone just stood there, slack-jawed, then dropped to the ground – all remaining energies exhausted, funerals arranged.

Nobody would leave the field with any great credit, with Shorten’s leg side fuselage (4-0-25-1) the pick of a knackered attack that saw Astons help themselves to 191-3 (R Smith 65, A Cumming 53). The standout champagne memory was Jon Newman stepping a yard backwards to cling on to an absolute sitter, only slightly bettering the routine dobber Howarth snaffled where he didn’t actually move.

Ahh, the blessed tea interval, where everyone can rest their weary limbs and sit on the steps blocking any easy access to and from the pavilion. As players ate and drank, a radio jabbered in the background, or did until its battery died, its job now superseded by mobiles to keep up with events in the third Ashes Test from Headingley. England were going well at one point, but then a predictable slump left Stokes needing 70-odd for victory in the final innings with only last man Jack Leach for company. Now we knew Jack could hold an end up, fending off bouncers behind his pair of spectacles and body armour, but asking the ginger enforcer to batter all the runs on his tod was a little too much… surely?

The moment of the winning boundary hit by Stokes!

It was a true rollercoaster of emotions, as the target dwindled and the bat of a proven street fighter peppered sixes into a sun-baked crowd. There was a drop, a botched run out and even a plumb LBW turned down, reviews all gone… and then… with one last crunch of the bat on ball, England had won! WOW!!! Somehow, they had won by 1 wicket against all the odds and how the Yorkshire faithful loved it. Utter redemption for the tattooed psycho and acceptance back into England’s privileged and dismissive society. Our mate, Ben – who cares about punching the shit out of some idiot. Sir Ben, arise!

So, after all the fervour and finger biting, it was back to the resumption of this bloody game of cricket at Brasenose…. Why do we bother?

After Turner (0) walked out and walked back again to finish off the flapjacks and cream scones, Williams (83) and Pearson (30) underlined their status as The MAD’s premier batsman. It was easy, so bloody easy it was quite unimaginable that James would smack a ball all the way to long on where Rob Eaglestone would drop it. But Rob didn’t drop it. He inexplicably held on to a great catch that would open the flood gates of underachievement and gross incompetence to come. That Jon Newman-Robson should lay claim to ending up with fifth top score with 2 not out says everything.

Don’t always believe the camera. Williams wasn’t bowled in this shot, as the stumps apparitions.

Howarth has had a quite miserable season with the bat, and his tortuous duck on this day sans any aggressive shot was pitiful. You can wear the mask of a clown and have a great laugh, but it can really wear you down. Just hit the fucking thing, Ian – stop overthinking this ridiculous sport.

Shorten (14) biffed a few, but not enough, and POTS nominee Mr Reeves fluffed his lines for 11. Thereon, the slide from 144-3 to 162 became terminal. As the corpses of Timms (1), Rundle (0) and Darley (1) were gently lowered into the ground, Hotson’s miscalculation at eleven added some more gold to his collection of ducks. Woeful.

Back to the good. A year is a long time in life, as Mr Stokes intimated when his troubles came up in his press conference later in the day. You move on or at least you try. It is a credit to both teams that after last year’s sullen and disquiet affair, with all that was swirling around in the background, that this day proved heartening despite the intense heat. Credit to both sets of players, and the symbolism of having Mr Ainsworth and young Blake in attendance wasn’t lost to the majority.

A final toast then – Benjamin Andrew Stokes, the greatest cricketing Kiwi all rounder since Richard John Hadlee. In the public mind we now see a celebratory bat, and that ominous security camera footage in Bristol seems ever more blurred.

Third Test update: Day Four, Headingley – England 67 & 362-9, Australia 179 & 246. England win by 1 wkt.

‘C. L. Cairns’

*

Statto Scorecards

Far from the MCC versus Astons CC Played at Brasenose College, 25 August 2019 Astons CC won the toss and elected to bat Astons CC won by 29 runs Far from the MCC debuts: n/a

19 / 507 35 over match

Team	Astons CC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R.A. Smith *	c Newman-Robson b Rundle	65		11	-	2-135
2	A. Cummins	c and b Shorten	53		7	-	1-124
3	R. Harris	not out	33		4	-	-
4	R. Eaglestone	c Howarth b Reeves	14		3	-	3-182
5	D. White	not out	5		-	-	-
6	N. Chapman
7	G. Smith †
8	O. Wigg
9	M. Wigg
10	D. Kilcoyne
11	S. Smith
	Extras	NB1, W17, LB2, B1	21
	TOTAL	(for 3 wickets, 35 overs)	191

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Howarth	2	0	13	0	6.50
2	Darley	5	1	19	0	3.80
3	Newman-Robson	5	0	24	0	4.80
4	Timms	5	0	27	0	5.40
5	Pearson	4	0	18	0	4.50
6	Reeves	6	0	32	1	5.33
7	Shorten	4	0	25	1	6.25
8	Rundle	3	0	32	1	10.67

Team	Far from the MCC
#	Batsman	How Out	Total	Balls	4s	6s	FOW
1	R. P. Turner	b Kilcoyne	0	(2)	-	-	1-0
2	C. T. J. Williams	b R.A. Smith	83	(83)	10	-	5-146
3	J. W. Pearson	c Eaglestone b S. Smith	30	(52)	4	-	2-87
4	I. Howarth	b S. Smith	0	(12)	-	-	3-100
5	D. Shorten	c Chapman b Kilcoyne	14	(22)	2	-	4-144
6	M. K. Reeves	b Cummins	11	(9)	2	-	8-159
7	G. J. Timms *	b Kilcoyne	1	(3)	-	-	6-149
8	M. S. Rundle	c Kilcoyne b R.A. Smith	0	(7)	-	-	7-150
9	A. Darley	b Cummins	1	(3)	-	-	9-160
10	J. Newman-Robson	not out	2	(3)	-	-	-
11	J. C. W. Hotson †	b Eaglestone	0	(1)	-	-	10-162
	Extras	NB2, W6, LB7, B5	20
	TOTAL	(all out, 32.3 overs)	162

#	Bowler	Overs	Maidens	Runs	Wkts	Econ
1	Kilcoyne	7	0	35	3	5.00
2	Wigg	4	0	25	0	6.25
3	S. Smith	7	1	20	2	2.86
4	White	7	2	18	0	2.57
5	Chapman	2	0	25	0	12.50
6	R. A. Smith	4	0	20	2	5.00
7	Cummins	1	0	6	2	6.00
8	Eaglestone	0.3	0	2	1	4.00

MOTM: C. T. J. Williams Champagne Moment: J. Newman-Robson’s piss easy catch Buffet Award: M. S. Rundle’s flapjack and cream scones (extra dollop) MAD Moment: J. W. Pearson’s whinging about his shoes (can’t bowl)

Opposition: V046 / 20 Ground: G040 / 80 Captain: C022 / 88 Match No: 35 / 180